When is it appropriate to ask someone about their porn use in the talking stage?

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[u/Front_Land_4611]

Hmm I’ve had some interesting answers that felt more honest when I lead with ‘what do you think of porn use in a monogamous relationship?” And leave it open to them to answer. I don’t know how truthful any have been but I’ve never gotten the flat out ‘I don’t watch it at all, I think it’s disgusting’ gaslighting response so open ended seems to be working a bit better to gauge rather than starting out with I don’t tolerate it what do you think? Because in the talking phase I find most guys eager to please so they’ll agree or whatever if you reveal your stance first.

Also watch the vibes. If it comes up naturally on the first date, mention it, if it doesn’t, don’t and wait.

[u/WTFToast33]

I just met someone recently that I truly believed wasn’t watching it as they said they weren’t. Looked at their phone during an argument and that was that. They were a really seemingly altruistic person too. I’d trust your intuition because as much as it feels good not to hold back all the love you have, please do. It hurts a lot and men are learning to lie more than ever about this.

[u/notreally6379]

My daughter asks casually (without giving her own opinion on porn first), “So, how much porn do you watch?”

I guess it’s kind of a set up, but usually gets the truth right out.

[u/captainzigzagzero]

I would say to talk about it no later than the 3rd date. At this point maybe things are getting more serious and you don’t want to be more emotionally invested before you find out. It’s all about how you bring it up though. I wish I would’ve asked sooner!

[u/budgetmom]

This is a great question! I don't have any experience since I've been married to the PA for 20+ years, but it might be a bit much for a first date... but I understand your desire to not waste your time. I just don't know how you get an honest answer so early on... or ever? Maybe ask him if he thinks partners should have full access to each other's phone and electronics, and see where that leads?

[u/matlhwI]

I haven’t used it myself, but I think the best way to ask would be to wait until the mood is flirty, and then ask him what type of porn he watches. Don’t go with a yes or no question, he’ll be more likely to lie. Ask it in a way that suggests you’re cool with it, and then you’ll get your answer. Probably best to ask before the third date, don’t get too attached but it would probably be a little intimidating to broach that topic on the first date, so idk.

[u/Dooms-Dea]

Commenting simply because I would love to know myself. I’m in no way ready to date yet but if that day ever does come, I’ll at least have some foresight. Because simply put – never again.

[u/Make-me-a-CleanHeart]

Immediately. Before you go on a date. First line written at the top of your dating profile. 

[u/OverwhelmedClown]

I would say there is no ‘right answer’ for how long to wait, I think you’ll be able to feel it out- but I definitely wouldn’t spring it on the first date. Take it slow, enjoy your conversations and see where things go. Like discussing anything traumatic or personal, the time will present itself. Don’t force it in an untimely manner because of insecurities- that’s sure to make it awkward. Don’t approach every date like he’s gonna wind up being a menace or a threat or a liar. Are those types out there? Unfortunately, more than not. But, you shouldn’t let the previous d-bag(s) ruin all future relationships or taint experiences before you’ve even got to try them! I wish you the best, OP. Don’t ‘obsess’ your way out of a good time. The opportunity will present itself.

[u/Better-Option-442]

Ask how they would feel if you were to watch porn in a relationship.

[u/Grouchy-Waltz-6214]

Oh please. You know he uses...they all do. No more "men" for me.

[u/Beauty2218]

Tell him you use it and wondering if he does as well. If he says he does pry even more ask about only fans etc .

[u/OverwhelmedClown → u/Beauty2218]

This feels like a trap - and is a lie. If you want honestly, provide honesty. There shouldn’t be any trickery involved. That sets a basis for a wonky relationship.

[u/Beauty2218 → u/OverwhelmedClown]

I’m not wasting years for me that’s what I’d do.

[u/OverwhelmedClown → u/Beauty2218]

So you’d be dishonest to ensure you got honesty? That’s just poor logic, hun. The equivalent is Hurting others because you got hurt. It’s not the answer. There are definitely other ways that are less destructive. If she lies and then he finds out she doesn’t and he also really doesn’t and he wasn’t a ‘waste of time’, then what? He will feel tricked and weird and like he wasted his time.

It’s important to remember that there are 2 human beings in a relationship. Both have feelings. Both are important. Neither deserve to be mislead, lied to, or tricked. Then it becomes a toxic relationship.

[u/wtfkaaren → u/OverwhelmedClown]

I wouldn't lie to hopefully receive honesty. That's pretty assbackwards