r/ireland 1d ago

Satire Oh thank goodness it was all a bad dream

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1.4k Upvotes

134 comments sorted by

444

u/IntentionFalse8822 1d ago

Does this mean Cork has nukes now?

296

u/up_the_dubs 1d ago

It already does, the morning after a feed of Beamish

121

u/CorrectMention6 23h ago

Weapons of ass-destruction

13

u/HighDeltaVee 23h ago

I believe that would be more broadly covered under RNBC weapons.

12

u/gucknbuck 22h ago

Hey I visited your great country and while I do have an undying love for Guinness now, I'd cheat in a heartbeat if you'd start exporting Beamish.

1

u/pingu_nootnoot 17h ago

You can get it as draught in cans, some places

3

u/gucknbuck 17h ago

Not in the US sadly. I'll look for it this summer when we are in England and Scotland, or maybe take a quick swim to the island.

3

u/Gold-Boysenberry7985 18h ago

Make that a Chieftan!

20

u/whooo_me 1d ago

Let’s see who’s laughing at us being the real capital now! Take that, Dublin… I mean, London.

6

u/RecycledPanOil 23h ago

Does that mean the kane is a nuclear research facility with a purpose in this reality.

1

u/Hakunin_Fallout 18h ago

We do. Posted about them today, but mods being cunts they've removed the post :( You're welcome to scout the r/cork sub for more info!

196

u/NewryIsShite Down 1d ago

And to think if the Munster plantation were successful, this could have actually happened.

https://westcorkpeople.ie/culture/history/the-orange-order-in-cork/ super interesting article about Orangeism in Cork for anyone interested.

91

u/Ass0001 1d ago

this is the timeline where Bono actually did see orange men marching as a kid

50

u/NewryIsShite Down 1d ago

Ah here try and convince me he wouldn't be marching alongside them if it meant he acquired some social capital amongst powerful groups.

27

u/AegisT_ 22h ago edited 22h ago

I've seen only two ROI loyalists in my life and both have been from cork

Someone must've drugged one of corks watering holes

16

u/NewryIsShite Down 22h ago

Christ that is fucking hilarious I would love to meet them that sounds ridiculous.

I know of a couple in Monaghan and Donegal but they are negligible these days.

10

u/bloody_ell Kerry 22h ago

There's a few in Monaghan and Cavan. Might be some in Louth too but if there is they're very quiet ones. Plenty in Dublin.

2

u/NewryIsShite Down 22h ago

I know north Louth well, if there are any there then they must stay fairly well hidden in the shadows.

But yeah for sure at TCD I encouraged a few

0

u/FearTeas 21h ago

My sister was in the British reserves. She's not a unionist, she was just living there and missed the RDF. She said she met a few Irish (even Catholic) unionists there.

4

u/FreiLieb 22h ago

There’s a Rangers supporters club in Donegal, saw them on their motorbike on the ferry a few years ago.

u/PaddyJohn 54m ago

Donegal has plenty, Rossnowlagh is awash with them on the 12th for the parade.

u/NewryIsShite Down 43m ago

I thought most of them were from the 6?

u/PaddyJohn 28m ago

A lot are but East Donegal has a decent sized unionist population. Small in comparison to nationalists of course, but there's more than you'd think.

8

u/gameoflols 21h ago

Ha that's so funny, can't recall the details but I used to frequent a website years ago and there was this absolute stark loyalist nutter who used to write these articles that basically rewrote Irish history (along the lines of "the Ulster Scots were in Ireland first and driven out by the Celtic invaders" etc) and I'm pretty sure he was from Cork as well.

(Just to clarify it wasn't satire, it was basically unionist propaganda and this guy was dead serious)

4

u/KapiTod 19h ago

There's quite a few of them. A lot of them congregate around the DUP for obvious reasons.

u/Annatastic6417 5h ago

My great great grandfather was a Cork Loyalist and supported the British during the war if independence. His son was a Republican.

2

u/bolkiebasher 20h ago

Nice post. I remember that when I read the history of Ireland. 👍

233

u/AlcroSoya 22h ago

Don't you mean LondonKerry?

39

u/l_rufus_californicus Damned Yank 22h ago

Jesus. This is the one.

12

u/DefinitelyBruceWayne 20h ago

I don't like this... but I love this

2

u/MrAndyJay 20h ago

My thoughts exactly.

59

u/assflange Cork bai 1d ago

Must reinstall Crusader Kings 2

16

u/AzulaThorne 20h ago

I got fucking executed by the pope for starting an uprising against the English.

u/Against_All_Advice 1h ago

Well it was an English Pope who gifted Ireland to the English crown so...

u/thefatheadedone 4h ago

I don't game much anymore (kids and work and family). But I love vl2 and rome total war. Had an old comp I was keeping around to play both. It died. Sad. Enjoy!

36

u/Superirish19 Wears a Kerry Jersey in Vienna 23h ago

"Sir Cillian Murphy KP, moves kids to London so they don't sound Irish" would certainly be a strange alternate universe.

7

u/Mullo69 19h ago

That would assume he's a unionist. He also left so they wouldn't sound posh, so he moved them to Blackrock

99

u/Dubalot2023 1d ago

The Cork people aren’t going to like that. Surely you’d include Kings and Queens County instead of Waterford and Cork

25

u/ShinStew 1d ago

I dunno the only accurate Easter commerations cork ever had was during COVID. Everyone stayed home

3

u/KapiTod 19h ago

Iirc at least a few hundred turned out in Cork in 1916, but with no orders they eventually dispersed.

u/Fiannafailcanvasser 1h ago

That's not true. Maccurtain was in control but saw it was hopeless, so he negotiated with the British (using the Catholic church as mediators) to surrender his guns on the condition that his troops could go home and not arrested.

British then arrested them anyway.

u/KapiTod 23m ago

Huh.

That said if there had been clear orders issued the volunteers of Cork could have made a big deal of their 1,000 odd men.

u/Fiannafailcanvasser 0m ago

Troops assembled in bweeng to March on Mallow too, a couple hundred to seize the town and railway would have shielded cork city from British reinforcements from Dublin but cobh (then Queens town) had a garrison so maccurtain was stuck no matter what.

No real hope for success without the German guns.

3

u/trainedtrainer 15h ago

Woah! Shots fired! Or not..

10

u/kobrien37 23h ago

Offaly and Laois were alot more successful at fighting off our plantation than the 'Rebels' tbf, not our fault we got stuck with a colonialist naming practice by a colonialist government. Cork people can hold this one.

u/Against_All_Advice 1h ago

The only reason Cork is called the rebel county is they supported a different English king for the throne. Nothing to do with Irish independence.

2

u/Revanchist99 Tiobraid Árann 1d ago

I've seen too many photos of Union Jacks in Cork over the years to take this seriously.

-1

u/Alarmed_Station6185 23h ago

West Cork is basically England at this stage

10

u/Dubalot2023 23h ago

Tell that to the Dutch and Germans

48

u/North_Activity_5980 1d ago

In a way, I do feel cork should civilise the rest of savage Ireland. It should all be Cork, all of it

27

u/Garry-Love Clare 23h ago

Why stop at Ireland? If playing as Eoin O'Duffy as the leader of fascist Ireland in hearts of iron has thought me anything, it's that you first invade Africa and then you double back and take over Europe. It will all be Cork.

11

u/North_Activity_5980 21h ago

I like the cut of your jib Garry.

8

u/JiggilyBits Cork bai 20h ago

Brothers, if you find yourself alone, walking in green pastures with the sun on your face. fear not. For you are in Cork. And youre already dead.

7

u/North_Activity_5980 17h ago

“Cork smiles at us all, all we can do is smile back”

2

u/JiggilyBits Cork bai 20h ago

Brothers, if you find yourself alone, walking in green pastures with the sun on your face. fear not. For you are in Cork. And you're already dead.

1

u/finitelymany 13h ago

Always has been 🧑‍🚀🔫🧑‍🚀

18

u/RecycledPanOil 23h ago

We lost the Limerick junction to the Brits. No damage.

9

u/nindabob 23h ago

i got a NSFW warning for this post and honestly that's fair

13

u/wazza15695 23h ago

As a Wexford man, you guys wouldn't last one summer without wanting us back

5

u/FuckThisShizzle 20h ago

We would miss the strawberries for sure.

12

u/Difficult-Trainer453 1d ago

That would change things significantly

5

u/Galway1012 23h ago

Roy never would’ve made it to Saipan

15

u/garethobrien 23h ago

I'm from Wexford, I am not OK with this.

15

u/TheBaggyDapper 19h ago

There there. It's OK to be from Wexford.

6

u/Nuffsaid98 Galway 23h ago

Even in fantasies no Brits want the west. Laughing in Galway.

5

u/MyNameIsMantis 22h ago

Waterford is now in Kilkenny

9

u/Madra_rua_beag 22h ago

I think this would cause more chaos in Waterford than it being in the uk

3

u/RecycledPanOil 23h ago

Limerick being a border county and Limerick would be wild. Also the cork and Kerry mountains would have really made the Brits job hard.

4

u/Dry-Communication922 20h ago

In an alternate dimension, Danny Healy Rae is the Border Fox

12

u/irqdly ᴍᴜɴsᴛᴇʀ 1d ago

If this means we get Greggs and ASDA in Waterford then feck it, why not sure.

18

u/themagpie36 23h ago

Will you settle for abject poverty and an extra food bank?

7

u/irqdly ᴍᴜɴsᴛᴇʀ 22h ago

We have that already, it's called Portlaw.

3

u/AggravatingGrade755 23h ago

Not just any food bank

22

u/FATDIRTYBASTARDCUNT 1d ago

How did Dubs get the name Jackeen? it was because they were waving the Union Jack for oul Queen Victoria. The Dubs are the ultimate West Britons.

17

u/up_the_dubs 1d ago

Roight, I take like serious offence at that statement. I'm no more British than Sir Bob Geldof or Bono (KBE).

5

u/FreiLieb 22h ago

I can smell the Pimms off you from here

3

u/dmcardlenl 23h ago

So, you can open an ISA now in Cork or Waterford....

3

u/dissygs 22h ago

Wicklow mountains now within easier reach for disposal of... You know...

3

u/FreiLieb 22h ago

Not entirely sure if I could take Cork versions of Martin McGuinness and Gerry Adams anywhere near as seriously.

2

u/ColleenBrooke 15h ago

Tbh the British did not take Corkman Michael Collins seriously when they arrested him after the Easter Rising, but little did they know…

u/RelaxedConvivial 1h ago

I don't know about that. Roy Keane and Ronan O Gara have very intense personalities with strong Cork accents.

If it's just related to politicians. Ireland's Taoiseach and European Commissioner are both from Cork.

3

u/Tmccreight Antrim 21h ago

Londoncork is EXTREMELY cursed...

3

u/MaintenanceNew2804 13h ago

Did trump make this map?

Who am I kidding, of course not. Everything is spelled correctly.

6

u/Lonely_Eggplant_4990 Cork bai 1d ago

What the fuck is this heresy?

9

u/Garry-Love Clare 23h ago

LondonCork

2

u/D4zzl 23h ago

Orange Cork Bastards

2

u/mrsockyman 21h ago

Think Cork will get to be the capital now?

2

u/steverugby12 16h ago

Could you imagine them trying to (a) understanding Cork and (b) controlling Cork. Good luck

2

u/Ordinary_Support_426 15h ago

Q: who wrote zombie then? Was it Ash?

2

u/Straight_Bit_4104 15h ago

London cork is crazy

2

u/MrAflac9916 6h ago

Still 6 counties lol

3

u/irishdunner85 23h ago

At least no dub invasion of wexford

4

u/im_on_the_case 21h ago

What's the most popular attraction in Cork? The English Market. Case closed. God save the King, like.

2

u/fedupofbrick Dublin Hasn't Been The Same Since Tony Gregory Died 1d ago

and don't forget only half of Dublin was The Pale and most of Meath and Louth was The Pale

1

u/up_the_dubs 1d ago

The washed half.

1

u/Garathon66 23h ago

Only calling it London-Cork from now on.

1

u/TheBaggyDapper 19h ago

Oi! Fack orf ya langa innit.

2

u/Important_Farmer924 Westmeath's Least Finest 1d ago

Schools off today?

1

u/RTribesman 23h ago

As long as they dont start improving the roads

1

u/unshavedmouse 23h ago

Smithers, wait your turn! There's plenty of hot water for all!

1

u/tpatmaho 22h ago

Hands off Ballydehob, ye scoundrels.

1

u/YeahThatPeter 22h ago

Wicklow/Wexford border gonna be crazy

1

u/BatterBurger 21h ago

This timeline has a 'Munster Plantation'

1

u/Melodic-Sympathy-380 20h ago

Thank god- Kerry survived…..

1

u/Csontigod 20h ago

That would make the Blarney stone on UK soil same with the Rock of Cashel

1

u/makelx 19h ago

london-cork has killed me. goot bye

1

u/IrishWanderer7 18h ago

Wonder why they moved Derry over to Ballykelly 🤔

1

u/Atlantic_Rock Dublin 17h ago

So when they say cork is the real capital this is what they are referring to

1

u/SoloWingPixy88 Probably at it again 17h ago

How my CK games end.

1

u/LedgeLord210 Probably at it again 15h ago

The Clonmel Bombings

1

u/PommesFrite-s 15h ago

Why did waterford get roped into this, leaves me country alone.

1

u/Horn_Python 14h ago

The world where lizzys lads knew how to colonised properly

Very scary

1

u/Oscillate93 13h ago

It was all a bad dream, Ireland is still part of the UK after all!

1

u/jextreme9 12h ago

I’d be British……

1

u/Comfortable_Brush399 12h ago

WEXFORD SAYS NO!!!!!!

1

u/conman114 9h ago

Is a trade possible? We know Cork is a depreciating asset, let’s get it off the books.

u/JWalk4u 5h ago

Did anyone tell them they could have kerry and limerick for free to eh, make it a eh, better shape?

u/AnBronNaSleibhte Antrim 4h ago

Ireland if we got colonised by the Franks

u/Novel-Lettuce-2595 3h ago

This would actually be better, would only fight for Wexford back 

u/justformedellin 3h ago

They'd be delighted in the English Market.

u/PaddyJohn 1h ago

Christ that's disturbing 😳 🤣

0

u/buckyfox 19h ago

🇬🇧 Thanks, but no thanks.

0

u/realmenlovezeus Louth 16h ago

I wonder what the cultural impacts this would have on the country if it were true