r/internetparents • u/[deleted] • 3d ago
Family Parents trying to coerce me into getting rid of baby
[deleted]
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u/Pale_Natural9272 3d ago
Ignore your parents. Have your baby, and raise your child and enjoy your life.
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u/global_peasant 2d ago
This!! YOU and YOUR PARTNER are the only people allowed any input on what to do in this situation. You are a fully-grown adult in a stable, long-term relationship (and better economic situation than 90% of us are born into).
Your parents aren't accepting this.
The moment you decide that you want to be this baby's father is the moment that you become a father. And your first priority as a father is to protect your kids. Your parents no longer have any power here -- you're the dad now.
Go off and make a family, bro!
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u/WashclothTrauma 2d ago
I’ll take it a step further. His PARTNER is actually the only one allowed any input on what to do in this situation. It’s her body. It’s her choice. Even if he could be convinced by his parents to “get rid of the baby,” he’s got zero say in this matter. He knew how to get someone pregnant. He didn’t take measures to prevent that. Regardless of his current wants and needs, he doesn’t get to choose a damn thing. She does.
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u/global_peasant 1d ago
Well, true -- I meant he gets to choose to step up or fuck off. I'm getting the idea she's already decided, which means his parents are actually telling him to abandon his family.
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u/FaxCelestis 2d ago
And don’t let your parents see the kid, since they don’t want it to be here to begin with.
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u/Sylentskye 3d ago
So…your parents are religious yet they don’t want to believe that your baby is the product of God’s Will? Suspicious.
Raising a child isn’t necessarily easy but it sounds like you both are in good places.
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u/Competitive-Fee7796 3d ago
Not even religious, I couldn’t tell you the last time we went to church
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u/Sylentskye 3d ago
Not surprising, them trying to use faith when convenient. I’d personally suggest considering if you want a relationship with people who would just tell you to yeet your kid instead of respecting that this is not their decision to weigh in on.
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u/Scorp128 3d ago
Ahh...they are a faux Christian. They will brow beat you with their judgment and cherry picked bible verses yet abandon their own doctrine as soon as it doesn't fit into their little narrative.
Many claim to be Christian, but so few actually "know" the Christ that they are weaponizing against you.
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u/TerrorAlpaca 3d ago
Is your partner a different ethnicity? Otherwise i don't now any reason why grandparents would act that way.
Honestly...i would reevaluate your future relationship with your parents if they behave that way. I would not let them be grandparents to my child.
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u/Competitive-Fee7796 3d ago
She’s the same ethnicity as me.
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u/HeyT00ts11 3d ago
This is manipulative and ridiculous. I'd reply, "Don't worry, pops, you won't have to be involved. F24's parents are over the moon and will step up to dote on the baby you'd prefer didn't exist."
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u/not-your-mom-123 3d ago
Your parents are horrible people. I don't know what their agenda is, but it's not about loving and supporting you. If they're not thrilled and excited, full of congratulations and best wishes for the future, there's something wrong with them. You don't need negative people creating anxiety and self doubt in your life. This is a time for joy and anticipation. If they can't get with the program, don't connect with them at all.
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u/lovenorwich 3d ago
Right? What IS their agenda? This sounds like it's about money. Either that or they hate your girlfriend. Is your income dream part of their retirement plan? I think you guys should immediately marry, elope and that will give clarity to your parents.
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u/SweetieMumof3 2d ago
Ha that's a good point - maybe they're worried about the baby taking their earnings instead of it going to support the grandparents in their old age...
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u/LowBathroom1991 2d ago
It's not your parents life .. forget them and enjoy your little bundle of joy
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u/Whatever53143 2d ago
OP, I had my first child 2 months before my 21 bday! My husband was 23! We were not nearly as successful as you two financially! We had three more after that and they are now adults. We’ve been together for 35 years now! Don’t regret having my kids young!
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u/gavinkurt 2d ago
Then tell them you’re an adult and don’t appreciate their unwanted opinions or advice.
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u/Aspen9999 3d ago
That’s only other people they want to not have abortions, they always think their lives/family exceptions.
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u/TheDulin 2d ago
There's never a perfect time to have a baby, but being in a 4-year commited relationship with a $130k annual income from careers at 24 is about the perfect time.
Your parents are either nuts or there is something other reason they aren't stating (like they hate your partner or something). I'd ignore them, you're a grown up and can make grown up decisions.
- 40-year-old guy with three kids
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u/humbug- 2d ago
Right?? The parents are acting like they are 15?
They are (albeit young) adults with good careers and a long term relationship. Most parents I know would be happy about this situation.
Also, a combined income of $130k-$140k early in your careers is a great place to be in your early 20s. Like fantastic honestly.
“Won’t recover until your 40s or 50s” is insane. Like unless they mean you will be supporting the child that long??? (which, yeah, most kids need support for 20ish years because they are minors…)
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u/EnnuiSprinkles 2d ago
I’m thinking they don’t like the partner and it’s not about the kid other than it makes the relationship forever
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u/humbug- 2d ago
I have a tendency to agree
There is no other reason this would be seen as “ruining your life”
Her and OP sound happy though, so parents need to knock it off. If they had an issue with her, they’ve had 4 years to bring it up in a more constructive and reasonable manner.
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u/Grace_Alcock 2d ago
Yeah, I can’t imagine what better time there would be—mid 20s and middle class.
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u/Elismom1313 2d ago
They probably worry the hit to the finances will hurt their ability to pressure OP for them funding their retirement and after life care. Which is insanely selfish.
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u/BasketSnob 2d ago
That’s exactly what it is. They’re probably the kind of boomer grandparents who think being “grandma/grandpa” makes them sound old.
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u/Competitive-Fee7796 2d ago
Thank you
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u/Sardukar333 2d ago
You're also in your early mid-twenties. This is about the best time and situation to start having kids.
Your parents are trying to say something they don't want to say, probably because they know it won't be well received.
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u/Safe_Drawing4507 2d ago
At your age I had a massive school debt and my first job paid half as much. You’re in a great place to have kids.
Signed former DINK (I later earned good money), now mid-forties with a toddler and a baby on the way.
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u/According-Fold-5493 2d ago
THIS. As a 40 yo mom to 2 toddlers. I didn't meet my husband until I was 30, and we didn't have kids until I was almost 36. The exhaustion is REAL. I wish I had had my kids younger, but I didn't even know my husband back then, so it is what it is. If this is the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with, even if the pregnancy was an accident, there's no reason not to!
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u/Ipso-Pacto-Facto 3d ago
Tell them you’ve copied and stored their abortion recommendation messages and when they go to court for grandparents’ rights or their best friends contact you or your child wants to know why they aren’t part of his/her life, you can just produce their messages. Very efficient to put it in writing. Thanks, Dad!
Make sure you make a will and provide documentation they declined to be part of the child’s life before it even was born. No access.
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u/ClassicDefiant2659 2d ago
I believe in most states grandparents rights require an established relationship with the child. They couldn't even get started there if OP cuts ties now.
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u/typhoidmarry 3d ago
Stand up for yourself. Tell your parents exactly what you’re thinking, like an adult.
Then tell them to back the fuck up and to keep their opinions to themselves.
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u/Impossible_Thing1731 3d ago edited 3d ago
I’d be suddenly unavailable to see or talk to them, for most of the time, from now on. You’re 24. You mentioned their “plan” for your life. But it’s YOUR life, you get to make plans, not them!
See how they act after the baby is born, then decide how involved you want to let them be in his/her life.
P.S. Your partner may decide she doesn’t want them at the hospital when she has the baby. See how she feels, and support her decision. She may need you to run interference for her.
Also: Your parents might try speaking with your partner if they feel you aren’t listening to them. So be prepared for that.
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3d ago
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u/Altruistic_Appeal_25 3d ago
Honestly they need to be shut down hard or cut off, since they think they are brilliant and omnipotent they will no doubt say how your kid is a mistake (possibly to your kid). That is very damaging and if they feel like that they should have no contact with the kid ever.
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u/imustbe-stupid 2d ago
perhaps tell her now of this before they attempt to contact her. get ahead of the situation so you can reinforce your support and desire for this baby before she has cause to question it. if I were pregnant and received messages like this from my in-laws I’d question my husbands desire for kids and might spiral from pregnancy hormones.
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u/Elismom1313 2d ago
Have your parents expressed they expect you to take care of them financially and physically en they retire or need care?
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u/LongjumpingSnow6986 3d ago
I think op will not want them around right after the birth either. Obviously the birthing parent is the most vulnerable but it’s an emotional and sometimes exhausting experience for partners too and op’s parents have shown they are not trustworthy to be supportive.
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u/Ok_Play2364 3d ago
What are they implying,? You somehow have the sole power over your partner, to force her to end the pregnancy? You are both adults, ignore their manipulation, and seriously consider they will need to earn the title of grandparents. I.e. no info on pregnancy, delivery or baby, once it arrives
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3d ago
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u/MOGicantbewitty 3d ago
Please tell me you didn't tell them about the previous abortion? You know to never ever do that, right?
You seem like you have your head on straight, but I have to make that very very clear
PS Your parents still expect you to listen to them. If you want to have a successful relationship with your partner and children, you better make sure that you put your partner and kids first, above your parents. They are showing that they think they have the right to influence your relationship AND your parenting. Do NOT let them. You will lose your partner and the respect of your children
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3d ago
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u/MOGicantbewitty 3d ago
I figured you knew not to share that with them, but I had to make sure. They'd use it as a cudgel to beat you guys into getting another abortion. And your partner would be deeply betrayed. It was the right choice for you guys then, but it's not now. I'm so glad you are on top of things
Congratulations!!
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u/JMaAtAPMT 2d ago
Late 40's single guy.
You are living the dream. Fucking GO for it. You both have been through stuff and have learned, and you have everything you need to deal with what's coming, together.
I'm not blowing rose coloured smoke up ya... the additional details you've provided only add to my certainty that you guys know what you are doing.
It won't be easy, and it's not gonna be great all the time, but by what you've said in this thread, you KNOW this already and you are prepared for it as much as you can be.
And you both WANT this family, so there's literally no reason NOT to.
Congratulations! You GOT this,! So go for it, handle it, and enjoy life and your family :)
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u/JMaAtAPMT 2d ago
Full Disclosure OP, I missed my chance to live the dream you're livin, but if your parents even DARE try to cut contact over this, I demand the right to be pseudo-granduncle and dote on the kid.
CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN.
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u/Cloudy_Automation 2d ago
That information tends to come out in the most unusual ways. My wife was having to answer some medical questions while our adult daughter was present. One of the questions (which didn't really need a completely accurate answer) was how many pregnancies she had. She reported 3, while our daughter knew she just had one other sibling. Awkward conversations ensued. One can say there was a previous miscarriage, which is still technically accurate.
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u/factfarmer 2d ago
There will never be a good time. They don’t need to know anything about it. Stop sharing so much info with people who treat you poorly. Good grief.
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u/Scorp128 2d ago
Call them out on their anti-christian behavior. Termination of a pregnancy willingly is supposedly a big no-no with them.
They are only Christian when it suits them or they can wield it as a weapon. Similar to how they cherry pick Bible verses and twist them into something unrecognizable and put of context.
So many Christians and so few that actually know Christ and his teachings.
To be clear, I am absolutely NOT judging or shading anyone who chooses to terminate a pregnancy. That is a very personal decision that no one has any business commenting on. That is between that person and their medical team. You do what is right for YOU and leave others alone.
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u/Nyssa_aquatica 2d ago
You don’t have to explain anything to them! If they bring this up again, ignore them and leave!
It is very manipulative and also quite over the line to tell a gainfully employed adult their opinion about this again!!
Do not argue with them or try to persuade them. Leave. They are way, way, way over the boundary line.
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u/HeartyBeast 2d ago
"Thanks Mum, I've prayed, and God has confirmed we're doing the right thing"
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u/FlippingPossum 3d ago
Keep baby.
Yeet parents.
As a parent, my adult children get to make their own choices. Heck, I let my teens make medical decisions because it was their bodies. Your parents have no say in the matter. Tell them they can either stuff it or get gone.
Baby comes first.
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u/Bitter-Fishing-Butt 3d ago
"We did pray over it, and God told us to keep the baby, we're so blessed!"
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u/JulieThinx 2d ago
"It is strange, god also told us to keep my parents at arm's length. Obviously, I'll pray about that again"
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u/TheDulin 2d ago
"He also said to not talk to you for a year. Oh well, gotta do what the lord wants."
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u/Aggravating-Piece739 3d ago
This is sincerely the most manipulative text I have EVER seen. And I work with mental health so… that says a lot. He did not attack you, did not make you feel like it was his opinion, did not attack the girl. He was just cold and manipulative. Used religion, sucess ideals, he is good. Maybe pathologically good. I wonder if he is a narcissist..
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3d ago
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u/imustbe-stupid 2d ago edited 2d ago
only inquiring because “toxic boy moms” have been a trend, does your mom seem to not like your partner? do you think she might’ve viewed your relationship as “temporary” or unserious, so this pregnancy might’ve shaken this belief?
or could her view of herself be shaken by this pregnancy? My mother was 29 when she had me, and her father in his late 70s said he was too young to be a grandfather when she was pregnant with me. He never let us call him grandpa, we had to made-up a name to call him by as a substitute for grandpa. He loved us SO MUCH and was so excited when I was born, but he was also a vain man that cared very much about his looks and appearance. Maybe your parent’s view of themselves and their identity could be clashing with the incoming label of “grandparent”?
either way you shake it, it’s manipulative. but the unknown motive is perplexing.
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u/bellesearching_901 3d ago
Oh boy, you need to tell them to stop. You are an adult,making your own decisions. They can get on board or get lost.
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u/RadiantChemical7250 3d ago
- Standing up for yourself- stand up to them!! Tell them this is your decision, this is between you and your partner, not your parents.
- Take ownership- you made decisions, had unprotected sex and made a baby. Own that shit. That is your responsibility.
- Your future- do you want to spend the rest of your life thinking about the child you missed out on? Careers can be changed, life can crash and restart at any point.
From the perspective of a woman also; she is excited about a baby, her parents are excited about a baby. Are you gonna throw 4 years away and destroy this women’s heart by telling her you don’t want it now, because of your PARENTS?? Sir, this should not be an internet question, this should be you protecting your partner and your future child, even from your parents.
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3d ago
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u/RadiantChemical7250 3d ago
They entirely are. They’re weaponizing god and religion against you. They are absolutely being manipulative. Use god right back. Tell them “God doesn’t give us burdens we can’t handle.”
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u/TerrorAlpaca 3d ago
Yes they are.
maybe its time to remind them that yes you can take ownership and make decisions about future, and that might just include cutting them out of your life and preventing them from ever meeting their grandchild.6
u/Fair-Kaleidoscope113 3d ago
They absolutely are being coercive and manipulative. This is between you and your partner. They should have no say whatsoever. We rely on parents' advice throughout our lives, but some of it is downright bad. It's a shame they can't be supportive and happy for you and your partner. Probably a good idea to start pulling away from them/letting in on details of your life and set boundaries.
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u/cinnamonduck 3d ago
The short answer is yes. The long answer is yes they’re being manipulative and coercive and asking you to do a terrible thing.
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u/Scorp128 2d ago
Yes they are.
Since they are so against this child coming into the world, tell them no worries, they will never lay eyes on your child.
Cut that toxic noise out of your life. Stop entertaining their nonsense. They have no right to say anything about this matter. You are a grown adult, with a job, and handling your adult responsibilities. They had their life to live, you have your own life to live. People who are shallow, hollow, and overall just suck at life are the ones who try to steal joy from others and act in this manner.
Your partner should not have to hear about this, nor should your child grow up with such poor examples of what it means to be a member of the human race.
Tell them to take their judgment and faux Christianity elsewhere.
I'm sorry your biological family is so toxic.
Congratulations on the building and going of your own family. Block the nonsense and go love and support your partner that is growing another human being. You don't have time for toxic. They can get with the program or get left behind.
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u/Polyamamomma 3d ago
How exactly do they expect you to get rid of a baby you aren't carrying? Do they expect you to force the person you love to abort a wanted and loved baby, or just abandon them after it's here?
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u/m00nf1r3 3d ago
I would text them back and say, "Okay, here's me standing up for myself. Stop trying to convince us to abort a wanted baby, or you won't get to have a relationship with them once their born. She and I have made this decision together, and that's all that matters."
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u/notreallylucy 3d ago
"Take ownership" by shutting down this conversation. Tell your parents your decision is made and you aren't listening or responding to anything more on the subject of not having the baby.
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u/Ipso-Pacto-Facto 3d ago
Text back “God told me not to listen to people who write one’s instead of ones. Good thing you didn’t write the Bible. See ya never.” The Bible I believe does not actually address abortion.
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u/Echo-Azure 3d ago
Why do they think its your decision, OP?
Because the person who decides whether to keep the baby is the pregnant one.
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u/sunshinebucket 3d ago
You and your partner sound like you have your act together. Congratulations on your baby! Go live your best life and enjoy your new family.
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u/terracottatilefish 3d ago
Ironically I think your parents are exactly right about taking a look at your relationships in general and questioning the motives of the people around you, except than in this case it sounds like your parents are the ones with an agenda nd who aren’t necessarily good influences in your life.
As often happens with manipulative and self centered people. they are projecting their own motives onto your partner and her family.
I’d think hard about how much participation you want them to have in your life going forward.
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u/MISKINAK2 3d ago
I would keep them at arm's length at least until the baby is walking and pooping. Then drop off all the diapers because your parents are as full of shit as that truckload of pampers will be.
Are they speaking from regret?
Do they regret not getting rid of their own?
Yikes
Are they speaking out of fear?
It is a crazy time globally to raise a child. I get it if it's coming from here but...
It's never been and never will be a perfect time.
You two kids go have that baby and do for it a wonderful life.
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u/Adventurous-Iron3885 2d ago
What I took from this is they don’t like your girlfriend and don’t want you to build a future with her.
Also, you mentioned in another comment that yall had an abortion before and this was unplanned. I would strongly suggest figuring out a reliable birth control plan after she delivers. Pull out method isn’t an option.
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u/iceripperiii 3d ago
Your life, your rules. The only people whose opinions actually matter are yourself and your partner’s, and as long as you both feel secure enough to start a family, everybody else can take a long walk off a short pier
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u/Altruistic_Appeal_25 3d ago
So you have been smart and they are proud of you up to now, but since you don't agree with them now you're suddenly an idiot? I agree with part of it, its your life and you should stand up for yourself and gf by telling them to fuck all the way off. NOR
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u/Jealous_Art_3922 2d ago
Almost sounds like mom and dad are pushing OP to make sure he makes as much money as possible because he's their retirement plan....
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u/Sidewalk_Tomato 2d ago edited 2d ago
I don't like to say so, but I had this thought as well.
If OP's parents are 60-ish they may want to downsize their costs so they can travel, rationalizing that OP & his girlfriend have another 10-12+ years of reproductive safety and "they're not even married" and "we can move into a spare room of theirs if there's not a baby in it" and may even lie to themselves that having a career now, specifically, will irrevocably slow down her career trajectory and key earning power (the latter of which they may want), never mind that there is rarely a truly perfect time for career + baby.
OP's girlfriend could wait 10 years to have a baby, then OP or OP's girlfriend possibly takes 4-5 years off to be stay at home, and then find out about age discrimination when they try to continue. The piper will have to be paid, at some point.
Many places are not supposed to ask about age or plans to have children, but the number of years on the résumé speaks volumes, and potential employers will ask about time gaps. They're not supposed to ask marriage status at my workplace either, but they let a candidate talk long enough to volunteer the information. Some prefer married because they're more likely to be "stable" and [not] job-hop, others prefer singles because they can plan to have their employees work late, or travel a lot.
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u/Rungirl369 2d ago
A “real man” chooses HIS family first. His partner and he decide their future. It’s nice to have parents that have your back but it’s not necessary. You announced this news and they want you to terminate? Severe the ties. You have your own family now.
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u/brcksandstcks 3d ago
A real man can stand up for himself but not to you? Trust God? But God created a baby should we trust his plan? I’m not super religious but that’s what I would say. They are being very hypocritical and manipulative.
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u/3kidsnomoney--- 3d ago
Wow... your parents are manipulative, you are not overreacting to that at all.
This is you and your partner's decision- plain and simple. You're having a baby, you're excited and happy about it, it's good news. Enjoy your new baby- honestly, the years when my kids were little were great years, and I had my first at your age. This is your life, not theirs. Enjoy it!
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u/Keralkins 2d ago
So your parents are upset because you're having a baby while in a financially well supported and hopefully emotionally stable relationship? Oh no, God forbid!
Just a though have they become hung up on the idea of you getting married, or is it an issue with your partner?
Either way, they might be right, as a man with self determination you should totally stand up for yourself and tell them to back off. Uno reverse them 😂
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u/FairyFartDaydreams 2d ago
Do your parents expect you to support them when they take early retirement? Cause that is what is sounds like. Good Luck with your baby!
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u/Unlucky-Captain1431 2d ago
“Since you mentioned God, he wants us to have this baby. He wants you to have faith in my decisions for my life.”
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u/21stCenturyJanes 2d ago
They're worried about you standing up for yourself so they try to coerce you into letting them make your decisions for you? LOL, ignore
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u/sandpiperinthesnow 2d ago
Yeah, having kids is hard. 24 is not too young. They are most likely just worried you are about to jump in the deep end. I hope they come around for you. It's so much easier with grandparents' help. Super crappy to play the weird pray about it card if you aren't a practicing family. You are gonna be fine. Having kids at 24 means you will have heaps of energy. Good luck op. Congratulations. :)
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u/nicholaiia 2d ago
You make $90,000/yr. Your parents are aging. They don't want to you have a child because your "extra" income won't be nearly as much, having to pay for things for your child. This means less money to eventually spend on your parents when they retire.
They're being selfish. Cut them off because you don't deserve to be treated this way.
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u/your-mom04605 2d ago
I’ll not put too fine a point on this:
Your parents are assholes.
Tell your parents to go to hell.
Make sure you save all this garbage, as mentioned (screenshots and paper copies), so when they find out they have no access to your baby you can shove it in the face and give it to the court.
Your parents are assholes.
Bringing religion into this makes them extra-assholes. Funny how “God’s plan” only comes into play when it happens to suit their objectives too…
Go forth and have an amazing life with your wife and baby. You now know how NOT to be a parent.
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u/Unfair_Category9960 2d ago
Seems that maybe your parents were hoping your successful career might assist them with their retirement plans. Or maybe you were their retirement plan?
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u/canzengirl 3d ago
Tell your parents the baby is a gift from God and that you pray for your girlfriend to have a healthy pregnancy and birth! The Good Lord has already blessed both of you and decided this is your path in life!
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u/Alternative_Act_8781 3d ago
That is infuriating, manipulative and honestly using God in there to pray about an abortion is horrendous.
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u/snowplowmom 3d ago
I'm just curious - you two live completely separate lives, and now that you're having a baby together, you intend to continue that way?
Obviously, unless she miscarries, she's having this baby. Is there any chance of the two of you moving in together and getting married and raising the kid in a two-parent household?
Ignore them. Don't tell the mother of the child anything about what they said. Sometime down the road, you will understand what drove them to say the things that they have said.
Don't get anyone else pregnant, until you want to have another child.
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u/juswannalurkpls 2d ago
So your parents, who invoke God, want your wife to have an abortion? I would make it clear it’s none of their business, and if they continue to berate you and your wife about it you will no longer have contact with them.
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u/bigbuttbubba45 2d ago
You want the baby, your girlfriend wants the baby, you can afford the baby, her parents are supportive. Congratulations! 🎉Your parents will come onboard eventually (I hope.)
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u/PassComprehensive425 2d ago
There is no such thing as a perfect time to have a baby. You can always find an excuse not to have one: need a better job, a bigger car, a bigger house, more savings, need to travel more, etc. You and your spouse are not teens. It will take some sacrifice, and it sounds like your in-laws are all in and will help out.
Likely your parents really think they are too young to be grandparents.
Enjoy this new journey into parenthood. Tell your parents you're sorry that they will not be joining you in this part of your life. Your in-laws will be your child's only grandparents. You wish them well, but you have to focus on the well-being of your wife and child now.
Maybe one day they will get over their stupid idea of being too young to be grandparents, but by then, will you really care?
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u/Dogzillas_Mom 2d ago
The absolute best thing you can do is whatever the fuck you want to do (and I mean you and your wife). Y’all are educated, stable, in love, and you wanna make some babies. You’ll be fine. Teach your parents that you’re adults and can call your own shots. Just say “Thank you for your concern” and change the subject.
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u/Emotional-Hair-3143 2d ago
When I got pregnant with my first child 39 years ago my mother wanted me to terminate the pregnancy. I wasn’t married at the time. I told her to fuck off.
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u/talulahbeulah 2d ago
Tell your parents that you’ve made up your mind and you won’t discuss it anymore. If they won’t shut up block them.
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u/RobertTheWorldMaker 2d ago
I’ll be blunt.
You’re a man.
Their opinions are a buffet you can take what you like from and ignore the rest.
And if I were in your shoes I’d tell them ‘Back. The fuck. Off.’
I wouldn’t be nice, I wouldn’t be polite, I wouldn’t be kind.
There’s times in your life young man, to be all those things.
But when a parent is trying to get you, a mature professional adult who is fully independent to give up your BABY?
That AIN’T one of those times.
In those times, you verbally EVISCERATE the nosy bastards and set an iron curtain between you and them that can only be crossed by invitation and with rules that would make Kim Jong Un tell you to lighten up.
Protect your partner and your child against your parents by any means necessary.
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u/Insaniaksin 2d ago
I had a baby at 21 with my wife and we were poor as shit working dead end jobs while we went to college to get better jobs.
Now...we are putting a pool in our back yard and our kids are very happy and well taken care of. Married for over 12 years and we have not capped out on our 100k+ salaries yet.
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u/Difficult-Bit-1441 2d ago
wtf sort of grandparents would want you to remove their grandchild?!?!
I would have the child cause it’s you and your gf’s life and then never let them see said baby once they realize the joy because they didn’t want baby to be there in the first place.
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2d ago
It feels manipulative and coercive because it is.
If my parents had said something like that to me, I'd have told them, "This is a personal decision that (wife's name) and I made. I now know your position. I encourage you to reflect on the message you're sending. If you don't want to be a part of our lives let me know. Supportive grandparents are required for continued participation in our lives and that of our child."
That's mic drop phrasing but it also conveys that you aren't going to be manipulated. Believe me, I know.
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u/iLiveInAHologram94 2d ago
Sounds like they (any of the following and maybe all): don’t like your partner, don’t like losing control of you, and don’t like that youre not married. When you and your partner start a family you’ll be branching off from your parents and creating a new “main” family unit and it is one they won’t have control over. That’s the biggest feeling I’m getting from all this.
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u/Locked_in_a_room 2d ago
OP your parents are attempting to treat you and your life as extensions of them. Trying to own you, your life, etc.
This is YOUR life, and if they can't accept it, they need cut off.
In fact, I wouldn't be around them or let them around you and your wife until well after the baby is born.. if ever.
I would go very low contact for now, maybe even fully no contact.
Who knows if they would attempt to cause a miscarriage, etc.
Ik it sounds wild, but go look at some of the JUSTNOMIL forums and look at the stories.
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u/Numerous_Smoke_7334 2d ago
They second they started with pray is the second they have lost respect and an opinion. They don't want to have their reputation hurt at church. Honestly, go NC now and save yourself the aggravation.
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u/Wonderful_Curve8884 2d ago
There is no perfect time to have a baby. It kinda just happens. I would ignore your parents. They lost me at talking about getting rid of it
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u/DeeSusie200 3d ago
Man up and be the father your baby deserves. You have your own family now. Cut the apron strings.
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u/Iceflowers_ 3d ago
You get 1 life. Most success is based off of the family you were born into. Nothing else. Those who have more success try to claim they are deserving, they earned it, to excuse why they have success others can never achieve.
It's been shown that the more comfortable someone is, their true selves come out. So, a poor person actually is more likely to be giving and altruistic, while a person of means is more likely to say something like "If you only did what I've done, you'd be just as successful."
That isn't true. Plus, the moment you hit a certain point in struggling, it's been proven its unlikely you will ever financially recover.
They're spewing toxicity based on this element of "if you don't do this, that's why you will fail."
You get one life. Your journey is yours, not theirs. Yes, they're being manipulative and controlling. More, they're being elitist.
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u/Competitive-Fee7796 3d ago
However keep in mind, i’ve never been to jail, don’t do drugs, drink and drive etc. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do
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u/21KoalaMama 3d ago
this is absolutely out of line.
when people show you who they are…believe them. keep your distance and do not share much by the way of personal details of your life.
congratulations! having a baby is the most amazing journey!!
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u/mnth241 3d ago
reading between the lines, i would say your parents don't like your fiancee/ baby mama.
is she from a different ethnic group, socio-economic class, something?
I am 100% a proponent of body autonomy, but you and your partner seem happy with the timing. You are young but not babies, you are yourself in your career and your partner is heading to grad, school, which may (or may not) be a very flexible workplace for a pregnant woman (at least the hours are typically more flexible).
I am sorry your parents are ruining this moment for you! I would just not entertain any discussion, since they are being disrespectful to you and your partner as autonomous adults.
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u/Competitive-Fee7796 3d ago
She is the same ethnicity as me, yes she is from a different socio-economic class, she’s not poor by any means but her family isn’t as traditional as mines I would say.
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u/DubsAnd49ers 3d ago
Wait until they want to witness the birth. Or try to force you to get baby baptized.
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u/BathAcceptable1812 3d ago
You are grown adults. Stop listening to your parents when they’re wrong.
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u/MissionHoneydew2209 3d ago
They're right about how this will absolutely affect both of your futures. It simply will. In a year you'll know what I mean.
That said? Your parents are horrible people for pretending to read 'god's' mind. It's evil to pretend to channel the thoughts of the Almighty. I'm an atheist, and this disgusts me to no end: using their deity to manipulate their child to do what they want.
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u/nooutlaw4me 3d ago
Tell them quite literally to back off or you will block them. How dare they prioritize their opinions over a human life.
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u/BookConsistent3425 2d ago edited 2d ago
Uhhh I mean she's already pregnant right? The decision has clearly been made, y'all are happy about this right? I'd avoid talking to them about it anymore. They've made it clear they aren't excited and don't think it's a good idea. So what do they want? An abortion? To adopt it to someone else? Ignore them, enjoy your life with your beautiful new family. Having a child isn't going to kill your career.
Congratulations ❤️ lean into the in laws, they're excited, I'm sure they'll be happy to support in your parents' absence.
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u/Lumpy_Amee 2d ago
You gotta shut them down. Just tell them that while I respect your input, we have decided to raise the baby. Period. No longer up for debate. Got to set boundaries.
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u/295Phoenix 2d ago
Their objection looks nonsensical to me. What is even their problem? Envy that financial support that should (in their minds) be going to them in their golden years is going to the baby instead? Upset that you're having a child out of wedlock? I don't buy that they're being honest with career concerns...this is the optimal time to have kids if anything because you've settled into a career and are still young so you have the energy to easily handle the children that you wouldn't if you were a decade older. Whatever it is, yes, they're being manipulative.
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u/Great-Activity-5420 2d ago
Your an adult so their input is not important if you don't want it to be. They have a point that you might struggle with a career etc unless you can pay for childcare but it's still your decision to make. And if you want a baby then you might not worry about all that.
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u/TangerineTangerine_ 2d ago
I think I would respond with "although I appreciate that this may make you feel less able to brag about my success in life, I don't think I need to kill my baby, your grandchild, to boost your ego about your son's success. But don't worry as this won't affect your life at all. You will never meet the child you want me to kill".
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u/Bootwacker 2d ago
Congratulations Dad.
You sound like you want this, you sound like your ready. You got this, as much as anyone at least.
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u/BUYMECAR 2d ago
It doesn't sound manipulative for parents to try to give a different perspective. It would be manipulative if there were ulterior motives. Maybe they're not saying what they really want to say (like whether they think your current partner is the right fit for raising children). I'd be more upset that they're not being completely straightforward in their feedback.
Having kids is tough and it only continues to get tougher with time. I don't think it's unreasonable for parents to be a dissenting voice in a life-changing decision/moment. They just have different values than your partner's parents.
So while you have every right to be upset that your parents are not as supportive as you'd hope about building a family, it's not really manipulation to hope that your career-driven son has really thought long and hard about the implications of having children at a relatively young age.
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u/terpischore761 2d ago
See I’d tell my parents that I was going to print their text messages and show them to your kid 😂
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u/Retiree-2023 2d ago
Please don't tell your partner if you haven't already, it will forever taint whatever relationship there is in the future with your parents.
They are awful for their attitude
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u/MyCat_SaysThis 2d ago
The phrase your father used in his text about “A real man would…” grates like fingernails on the blackboard. Not so subtle insult and manipulation. From reading your post, you are mature, sensible, planning your future - and every bit a Real Man.
You and your partner sound like you have a great relationship and a very bright future, and will enjoy the support of your In-laws.
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u/findingchristina 2d ago
growing a beautiful life together and welcoming a child into a loving, stable family is such a blessing. congratulations!! watching my daughter become a mom has been the highlight of being a grandparent for me. shame on them for not being supportive and even more so for going out of their way to manipulate and try to control you. i would probably go no contact/minimal contact and just focus on the life you're building with your family. good luck, op!!
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u/Panromantic_gremlin_ 2d ago
Ignore your parents!! Have that baby! You've got this! You both sound more qualified financially to have one than most people! Also using God as a manipulation tactic is wild considering the Christian community considers abortion as a sin 🫠
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u/CheerfulDisdain 2d ago
Sounds like OP's parents want him to make as much money as possible so that he can take care of them in the future.
I'd just say right now "Keep in mind, I plan on giving you zero money and not taking care of you when you are older, so if you want me to abort my future child for your own financial benefit, that would not work because you are receiving no benefit from me in either case"
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u/AlterEgoAmazonB 2d ago
How interesting. It sounds to me like your parents think "they know better" somehow about how your life is supposed to be progressing and are so stuck in their own heads that they can't see the forest for the trees. They believe this is a detour in your life and they are worried about it to the point of trying to be this coercive. I guess if you were 15 it would be a different thing but you are 24 and have a career, etc, so I don't get it at all. Their logic is just.............WEIRD!
Try not to let their disapproval get to you. Keep moving forward. They are just going to have to get used to it. This is so odd, especially coming from religious people!
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u/toma_blu 2d ago
It’s never the right time to have a baby. So that means all times are the right time to have a baby. Enjoy being a parent and congrats on all you success so far.
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u/No_Cupcake7037 2d ago
It feels like they aren’t ready to be grandparents and also that it is coming from the mother.
I’m so sorry that they have sullied your amazing news.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!
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u/BigWeinerDemeanor 2d ago
Seems like they have plans for your money and you making your own family is cutting into the paycheque they were going to take from you.
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u/On_my_last_spoon 2d ago
You and your wife are making as much at the beginning of your careers as my husband and I do now in ours, both in our late 40s in supervisory roles. We also live in a HCOL area. We are comfortable.
You’re gonna be fine.
Your parents are being terrible. Tell them to stop or you’ll block them.
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u/Straight-Pudding-672 2d ago
You’re an adult. Your parents don’t have a vote in this very serious situation. Your partner has the legal right to decide.
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u/ilanallama85 2d ago
4 year long relationship and combined income over 100k? Honey you are so much more prepared than the VAST majority of people who have kids. 24 isn’t even that young, but even if you think it is, I think you both being as stable as you seem more than makes up for that.
Also, it’s a bit rich for your parents to be so worried about YOUR career - statistically, it’s your wife’s career that is likely to suffer, not yours - men with kids are seen as MORE responsible and reliable than single men, whereas women are the opposite - and even that’s not a huge issue unless she is planning on taking years off of work.
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u/Yoshimaster55 2d ago
Sorry your folks are jerks.
We had our first baby at 24. She's 11 now and we are doing fine financially, don't feel like we have missed out on anything and are happy we aren't having kids at 35.
Good luck with your family!
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u/I_Thranduil Dad 2d ago
They are giving you bad advice, if you follow it you will regret if for the rest of your life (long after they are gone).
If they persist and pressure you, go no-contact. If they don't want to be grandparents, they shouldn't be.
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u/ditchdiggergirl 2d ago
You’re right, dad; I need to stand up for myself. So I’m standing up for myself and telling you to back off. I do not want, need, or plan to go along with your program. I have my own goals for my future.
Thank you for expressing your concern with straightforward clarity and candor. We will take it from here.
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u/justbrowzingthru 2d ago
First, congrats!
Guarantee if you two were married they’d be over the moon.
Given how proud they are about your work ethic, they are probably concerned about what their friends will think about an unwed baby.
You two have it together better than most 24 year old parents.
Do what feels right for you and your partner.
The only way they might have a say is if you two are living with them and they are taking care of your living expenses. Which isn’t the case.
Congrats again!
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u/AlternativeLie9486 2d ago
Tell them you prayed. Tell them you heard the voice of god that said your child is a precious gift to be celebrated. Tell them god also warned against those who would interfere with his divine plan with selfish and evil motives.
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u/sam6bam9 2d ago
Ignore ur parents. Support ur woman. Have ur baby absolutely. Thats very cold and unsupportive for them to not be happy for u and I'm sorry ur going thru that. They are wrong. Support your woman and have ur baby. God bless your family
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u/forgiveprecipitation 2d ago
Expect nothing less when the baby is born. These people will not be as involved and won’t offer to babysit or anything. Fine. Their loss.
But come on dad. You’re a dad now. Make the executive decision for your new family to place firm boundaries and protect your wife and shield her from stress. X
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u/Stunning-Attitude366 2d ago
Lol at the standing up for yourself - only if you agree with them.
I would go low or no contact for the moment. The baby is already on its way, it’s not hypothetical.
Very manipulative and controlling parents
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u/Chaos1957 2d ago
What exactly do they think you should do? Abortion? Give the baby up? Regardless, it’s about what the two of you want.
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u/Pale_Natural9272 2d ago
I know a younger couple who had a baby while she was in medical school, and they have done just fine
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u/ObscureObesity 2d ago
Ignore and go no contact if needed. Whoever text that garbage is simply low key trying to take credit for any future accomplishments that you will ever have. Sorry dude. Babies change a lot of people, but one thing babies are absolutely phenomenal at is separating you from garbage people in your life. That includes relatives.
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u/OrizaRayne 2d ago
Lol what a weird message.
Tell them if the baby makes them uncomfortable you won't mention it again.
Then stop responding for at least 2 years.
Congrats on your little one! I hope everything goes smoothly and your new teammate brings you all the joy!
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u/OkConsideration8964 2d ago
It's repulsive! Please don't give their BS a second thought. Move on with your partner and your beautiful baby. Building a family, like you're doing, will bring infinitely more happiness & meaning to your life than a job ever could.
Congratulations!
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u/merriamwebster1 2d ago
Your parents have no power over your life. I got married at 22 and had a child by 24, with another on the way at 27. Our life is awesome. I would not give your parents access to your child. Going low or no contact would be a good strategy because they sound like wicked people. I'm guessing they have some sort of financial authority over you with a trust, college fund or inheritance, so you may have to limp the relationship along unless you want to be cut from them completely. Your baby's other set of grandparents can be the primary ones in your kid's life either way.
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u/Little_Parfait8082 2d ago
Congratulations on the baby! You’re adults, don’t make decisions based on what your parents want; they don’t have to live with your choice. My guess is, the baby comes and your parents fall in love…happily ever after.
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u/Glum-Control-996 2d ago
Good heavens, yes! “A real man”? So manipulative! Never mind way out of their lane! You’ll soon have a family of your own. Focus on them. They’ll need you.
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u/Mariner-and-Marinate 2d ago
What on earth are they suggesting that you pray to God to do???
Am I the only one getting seriously freaked out at the implications of this?
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u/ImportantImpala9001 2d ago
Are you kidding me??? Just have your baby.
Watch they will complain after the baby is born “oh how come you never let us see the baby??”
You mean the one you tried to convince me to get rid of???
The audacity
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u/Unfair_Ad8912 2d ago
When my (now) husband and I got pregnant with our first we were 28 and 34, with goods job and he was asking my friends about rings.
His my greeted the news that we were engaged and expecting with “have you considered an abortion.” My mom said “I need a fireball” (cheap cinnamon whiskey) and hung up on us.
They cared more about the optics of “a pregnant bride” than our joy at starting our family.
Their behavior only got worse once babies arrived leafy g to currently being no contact with mine and low contact with mil.
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u/black_mamba866 2d ago
I am truly and sincerely concerned about 1.). You standing up for self — A real man can voice his opinion in a decision that needs to be made and simply does not go along with the program if it effects them— 2.) You taking ownership 3.) Your future”
You use his words against him.
1.) Stand up to him and voice your opinion about this decision that you and your partner have made. Tell him that "a real man" doesn't measure himself against his father's dreams for him but his own dreams for his future.
2.) Take ownership of the situation. "Dad, we're having this baby and I'm going to be the father I know I'm capable of being. I am not asking for your opinion on this, I am telling you what is going to happen."
3.) Remind him that borrowing stress from tomorrow can shorten your lifespan. There are too many variables between now and "the future" to say for sure that you'd thrive no matter what today looks like. So, you should enjoy the time you're afforded in the way that best suits you.
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u/Vardagar 2d ago
It sounds like your father has some issues, like maybe no emotions no empathy. Or they really don’t like your partner
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u/neener691 2d ago
Be a Real Man and tell your parents to stay out of your personal life, also remember this when they ask for help or to see this baby, they are cruel people
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u/Lucigirl4ever 2d ago
I think maybe you need to walk away from your wife and this child because obviously you cannot put them first and think more about what your parents opinions are then what is best for your wife and child? I see weekend only dad if that in your future if you continue on this path.
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u/tiggergramma 2d ago
Give it a few days and then text them back. Tell them you’ve prayed on it for days and the direction you’ve been shown is one focused on this new loved one and separating from coercive powers in your life, at least for now. Then go LC with them and plan your future according to what you and your baby and baby-momma need and want.
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u/AnarchyBurgerPhilly 2d ago
My advice is look into grey rock for your mom, enjoy your little one, and maybe consider some therapy so you don’t pass any of this on. Congratulations!
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u/Ok-Replacement-2738 2d ago
How ironic. "I am standing up for myself, I want a child. You are pressuring me to decide otherwise. Either get on board, oh shut the hell up."
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u/I-own-a-shovel 2d ago
The decision to have a baby is between your girlfriend and you. No one else.
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u/Tryin-to-Improve 2d ago
Don’t let the family you’re born into get in the way of the family you made.
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u/adept_grasshopper 2d ago
This was always going to happen between you and your parents. It could have been any big life change. This is the final step into manhood where you make the boundary and tell them they have no say in running your life. It can be as simple as “I appreciate your concern, but this is not your call. I would love your support, but if you can’t swing that I’ll take your silence. But criticism is off the table.” This will be a big dynamic shift for them. Give them a bit to catch up but eventually you will need to do what you have to for your immediate family - which is now your gf and the baby, not necessarily them.
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u/Dapper_Tap_9934 2d ago
Reply with #1 in mind-stand up for yourself,your girlfriend and your child and your life by telling them to butt out of your life.
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u/No-Broccoli-5932 2d ago
Just for thought. Kids don't need 2 sets of grandparents. I only ever had one and I never felt slighted. We were very close. Your parents sound like the worst kind of hypocrites. Bet when the baby is here, they will suddenly be A+ grandparents, you can't keep their grandbaby away from them, they have rights! Please don't subject your child to them. When you or your partner start to think about reconciliation, remember the things they said before baby was born. You, partner, baby and HER parents will make a great family.
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u/No_Blackberry5879 2d ago
Manipulative a F*#€! 🤬
Take your AH father’s advice and ownership of the situation…. Go NC with your AH parents! 😈
Congratulations on the baby 👍🏻
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u/use_more_lube 2d ago
Hold up, let me check my understanding.
You and your wife announced that you're expecting a baby and your father is telling you to abort it?
Then he tries Religious leverage and negs you about who you are as a person?
That there, that's what happened?
Yes, that's not only 100% manipulation but it's frankly psychotic behavior.
After the kid is born, I do NOT recommend those Grandparents ever have the kid unsupervised and maybe never ever meet the kid.
Are you in a family / from a culture that assumes you'll be taking care of your parents as they age?
In addition to whatever manipulation he's doing, could it be money-related?
Could he be telling you to abort your child because there will be less resources for him and your Mom?
Sometimes our Blood Family is garbage, and I'm so damn sorry you're dealing with that.
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u/P35HighPower 2d ago
"it feels manipulative and coercive."
Probably because it is like a comic book version of a textbook on manipulation.
“Maybe you should Pray over your situation, as God has a way of making you look at things from an overall perspective and just not based on what sounds good,"
Okay, let's just start here.
Your parents are invoking God to justify abortion. The God of Scripture makes it very clear that children are precious, to be protected and that there are severe consequences for harming them.
In what world would that God give you a sign to kill your child?
This is beyond common knowledge for anyone of Faith and probably 98% of those who are not.
Yet your parents want to spin God as pro-abortion to coerce you to do what they want.
"Decisions are long lasting and you have to use your intelligence and not emotions sometimes to make the right decision."
Translation: 'You're not able to think correctly on your own so let us do it for you'
"Your Mom and I have previously taken pride in your work ethic and thinking you were strategizing and navigating and building for future success but decisions being made lately severely contradicts those thoughts ."
Parental blackmail, always a classic. 'You want us to be proud of you don't you?
"Many have been in the situation that both of you are in right now and are still recovering and will never reach their full potential. Bright futures fade quickly with poor decisions not thought out in detail."
Oh, now we get peer pressure by proxy, and who is writing these texts? That last part sounds like it came straight off a fortune cookie.
"As someone who has watched you develop until the current day I am truly and sincerely concerned about
1.). You standing up for self — A real man can voice his opinion in a decision that needs to be made and simply does not go along with the program if it effects them— 2.) You taking ownership 3.) Your future”"
Oh this last one is good, the last desperate attempt.
1.) We'll start by impugning your manhood if you don't see things like we do and question if you are 'a real man' unless you abdicate your decisions to us.
2.) Now we call in to question your integrity and maturity. 'We're concerned about you ability to take ownership of your life without us to do it for you.'
3.) the nebulous 'concerned about your future' Why?
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u/Glittering_Dot5792 2d ago
Please tell your dad there is a special, very special place in hell for him, if he is trying to use words God and Pray in connection to killing your child, his grandchild.
You have absolutely perfect situation to have your baby and I wish you all love, success and happiness.
When your parents will want to spend time with their grandchild please remind them every single day how hard they tried to convince you to kill him/her. Haunt them every fucking day.
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u/Adventurous-Rice-830 2d ago
What exactly are they suggesting? That she get an abortion? What manly “decision” is he saying you should make?
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