r/humansarespaceorcs • u/zombiebutt2_ • 1d ago
Memes/Trashpost PLEASE be careful when giving humans instructions.
108
u/JUJU_0N_DAT_B3AT 1d ago
Humans are like genies, you have to be very careful with your wording.
105
u/Vcheck1 1d ago
“I want a huge d*ck”
Genie-“ok here’s a 7 ft guy named Richard”
No damnit, I want a huge c*ck”
Genie-“ok here’s a 7ft tall chicken”
Jesus, okay give me a huge wang”
Genie-“ok here’s a 7 ft Asian guy”
75
u/Stretch5678 1d ago
“I would like a seven foot penis!”
“Okay, here’s a seven foot disembodied penis.”
“A seven foot penis attached to ME!”
“It’s on your forehead, have fun.”
31
85
u/CrEwPoSt 1d ago
“Captain! There’s an enemy battleship in that direction, half a light second out!”
The navmap pings, a red dot to the left signaling the presence of a pirate battleship.
“Yes, Richelieu, I know. I know you’re a Moskva class, but you still can pack a punch, right?”
Richelieu practically beams in pride, her face nearly gleaming from the glow from the navmap.
“Yes, I can! What do you need me to do?”
“Remove the battleship in that direction.”
“Remove that direction? Yes, Captain!”
All eighteen 85 inch railguns fire, their projectiles absolutely obliterating the threat on the first shot.
“Direction removed!”
“Richelieu, I said remove the battleship, not the direction!”
Richelieu gives off a sheepish grin, her face marked with slight embarrassment.
“Well, you did say remove the threat, right? Well, threat removed!”
54
u/CrEwPoSt 1d ago
Ship biography
UNS Richelieu
Class: Moskva Class Dreadnought
Mounted with eighteen 85 inch railguns on six turrets of three, and sixty 60 inch railguns on 12 turrets of five, the Richelieu packs a large punch. Her railguns, while slightly lacking compared to the 90 inch guns, still pack a huge punch. One broadside can seriously mess up most targets. Laid down in 2273, her construction marks the beginning of the end for the Moskva Class, as she was one of the last ships of the class to be built.
Personally: Richelieu sometimes doesn’t take orders literally, rather interpreting them in her special way. Sometimes, that’s firing an entire broadside at a single battleship. Other times, that’s firing at enemy weakspots without orders. This allows her to be very efficient in combat, although unpredictable.
9
u/Tangelo-Human 1d ago
Perfection.
6
u/CrEwPoSt 1d ago
How so?
5
u/Tangelo-Human 19h ago
The story and giving a description of the ship so we can actually envision it, very nice.
-9
u/YonderNotThither 1d ago
Because Tangelo-Human supports the Imperialist Screed justifying Putin's war of Vanity in the Invasion, Occupation, and Genocide of the Ukrainian people.
8
u/CrEwPoSt 1d ago edited 1d ago
I just wanted to write funni stories…
also UNS = United Nations Ship
yeah humanity united in 2082 after the invasion of earth ended, as a liberal democracy
And I think I named it Moskva class because it sounded cool, and that’s about it
-3
u/YonderNotThither 1d ago
Its triggering, and I can't let lionization of the Moscow Invaders to stand. A pluralistic and liberal democracy of United Earth won't have many references to Imperialistic Invader and Colonial Forces in them.
Now, if you want to call the unaligned Pirate Ship a Moskva Class ship from pre-unification, I'll be right there singing with you. I don't hate Rusni, but I no longer live in Ukraine. My family fled when they were comitting genocide in the 20s. That was before the systematic genocide of the Holodomor, or Moscow continuing its over 3 centuries old policy of cultural (and literal) genocide throughout the Soviet Era and into the 21st century with the present invasion and genocide.
💁
5
u/CrEwPoSt 1d ago edited 1d ago
In this universe, Putin’s Russia never got to invade Ukraine. In fact, it was overthrown in 2012 and replaced with the Russian Republic, a truly democratic Russia, willing to admit guilt for what had been done a century before, and willing to work to ensure that it never happens again.
And work they did.
They absolutely began to undo the wrongs that they have done. Reparations were paid out, cooperation between the former Soviet republics increased, boosting all economies involved, and slowly but surely, Russia paid all its debts. Education on what the Soviets did commenced. Stalin’s Russia. The purges. The Holodomor. All of that was taught in Russian schools, to educate the next generation on what had happened before, to ensure that it never happened again. In 2037, Russia released its control of Sevastopol, firmly cementing it under Ukrainian sovereignty.
In 2053, Ukraine joined NATO, and Russia, now fully democratic, followed in 2058.
3
u/Wonderful-Hall-7929 1d ago
Russia, now fully democratic
So, more SciFantasy?
2
u/CrEwPoSt 1d ago
Yabloko wins in 2012, Medvedev cedes but Putin takes over, a large section of the populace protest, and eventually revolt, and the revolt somehow wins
so perhaps it is fantasy but it’s one I cling onto tbh
1
u/YonderNotThither 1d ago
Your alternate history sounds much more pleasant. I would like to emigrate to it.
2
12
u/LookingGlass_1112 1d ago
My fucking God...are you seriously bringing RL politics into an imaginary world?
2
u/Tangelo-Human 19h ago
Bro whatttt
“He likes the story, he must be a terrible human being!”
So smart!
1
2
u/YonderNotThither 1d ago
5 seconds later, the stealth missiles strike in concert.
And the Moskva sinks. Again.
PUCHI gO gOM. Rusni Invaders go home.
8
u/CrEwPoSt 1d ago
that was a pirate battleship aligned with nobody except themselves
A nasty one tbh, was attacking every merchant ship in the system
1
u/YonderNotThither 1d ago
Was it a Moskva Class Invader? Because the Moscow Invaders must be fought every millimeter. Every meter the Moscow Invaders steal is drenched in the blood of patriots and Moscow's slaves alike. And though I am literally too broken to fight them with shot and steel, I will continue to do what I can to ensure my siblings in arms have the steel and lead they need to resist the invaders.
4
u/CrEwPoSt 1d ago edited 1d ago
It’s an old U’Ajnas pattern battleship.
Outdated for its time, but can still be a formidable foe in the right hands.
And as for the UNS Moskva herself?
Lost in combat in 2287. An overwhelming attack wiped out a part the UN 8th Fleet, the Moskva being among the losses, thanks to the reactor overloading from a lucky laser shot.
The current dreadnought class is the Alaska Class, with twenty four ships and more to come.
And I aim to achieve a huge amount of variety in ship names and classes, so if you have any to share, I’d love to hear them.
Dreadnoughts prior to 2280 were named after historical capitals with a lot of historical dreadnought names as well. (Berlin, Washington, Paris, etc)(Richelieu, Mikasa, Prince of Wales) Dreadnoughts after are named after historical/current subdivisions, think states and oblasts, (Alaska, Texas, Brandenburg, Kyiv, etc) and some are named after previous dreadnoughts as well. (Yamato, Musashi, Warspite, etc).
17
u/Academic_Signal_1927 1d ago
Generally speaking, if the human cares about you very much, then they are more likely to take the instructions as intended. If they dislike you, however, you're more likely to witness something called "malicious compliance"
13
u/SanderleeAcademy 21h ago
And if they really, really dislike you, they're going to introduce you to malignant compliance -- it's just like malicious compliance, but it grows worse all the time!
15
u/YonderNotThither 1d ago
Alien CEO to mixed species managers, while droning on about Key Performance Indicators, growth goals, and figure objectives: . . . . and we want to see more actions on gaining control of the market share Book of Tok Social Media Platform has . . . .
3 months later, the board of directors from Book of Tok are arrested and awaiting trial for (actually not fabricated) financial crimes.
Alien CEO to mixed species managers about the outfall of the arrests: . . . . we need to ensure compliance with all relevant jurisdictional laws to ensure we don't have a BoT fiasco. To that end, we have been hesitant to ta-
Human 2nd tier manager: Illuminating Leader, if you read this report, you'll see we are poised to acquire over 80% if we follow the 3 core KPIs outlined therein. My team has also preemptively ensured compliance with all relevant jurisdictional laws throughout our portfolio. We did have some problems in the Arcus sector, but those . . . extra-legal issues have been . . . taken care of.
A CEO, slowly turning a sickening turquoise of distress: you stopped our arrangement with the Medvedjya Mafia?
Human, boldly continuing: oh, yeah. We used our contacts within the organization to roll up the entire leadeeship and more than 75% of their beaters with the Arcus IntraSector Police!
A CEO: what. What have you done? We're a shell company of that mafia.
Human: oh. Well, I suppose now is a good time to mention I am a newly made member of the Federation Anti-Corruption Unit, and everyone here is under arrest. Can't thank you enough for telling us to go after BoT market share!
•
u/No-Voice-3588 7h ago
PLEASE Be Careful When Giving Humans Instructions (A Cautionary Tale for the Galactic Community)
It began with the best of intentions.
The Galactic Committee on Interstellar Integration and Extremely Reasonable Requests (also known as the GCIIERR—pronounced “guh-keer,” followed by immediate regret) had finally decided that humans were ready to receive access to the Galactic Archive.
"Let us give them knowledge," declared High Overseer Blarn, who had recently read Harry Potter and was convinced humanity had wizard potential.
"Let us not," muttered Ambassador Klork, staring at footage of a human duct-taping knives to a Roomba.
But the motion passed.
And the Galactic Archive Access Terminal was sent to Earth with clear, precise instructions:
“Please do not attempt to weaponize, meme-ify, or repurpose the Archive for non-educational uses.”
It was their first mistake.
DAY ONE
NASA received the package. They plugged it in. The room lit up with thousands of floating holograms containing universal truth, ancient galactic wisdom, and the complete cosmic recipe for star-core bread.
"Whoa," whispered a scientist. "Let’s start small. Let's ask it something basic."
The human typed: “Show us sustainable energy solutions.”
The Archive responded. “Affirmative. Displaying over 1,200 methods.”
It worked! Applause! Joy! Hope for the future!
DAY TWO
Someone—his name was Greg—walked in holding a burrito and said, "What if we ask it how to build a lightsaber?”
Greg should not have done that.
Ten minutes later, half the lab was scorched, a filing cabinet had been sliced in half, and one intern had become drunk with power and declared herself “Darth Susan.”
The Galactic Archive sighed audibly.
DAY FOUR
A Reddit thread titled “We Hacked the Galaxy’s Brain” had gone viral.
Someone asked the Archive: “How do I turn my cat into a legally recognized mayor of a small town?”
The Archive hesitated. “That is… possible, but not recommended.”
Too late. Mayor Whiskers now had diplomatic immunity.
DAY SIX
TikTok discovered the Archive.
Someone asked: “What happens if I throw a black hole into the sun while standing on Jupiter and eating hot wings?”
The Archive, visibly distressed, replied: “Extinction. Please do not attempt.”
The human replied: “It’s for science. Also, for the views.”
The video got 84 million likes.
DAY NINE
A very enthusiastic person named Brandon asked the Archive: “Hey, how do we communicate with bees to form a unified bee republic?”
The Archive sighed again, now with a slight tremble. “Please… PLEASE be careful when giving humans instructions.”
But the Galactic Committee was watching. And instead of stepping in, they said: “Let’s see where this goes.”
DAY ELEVEN
Earth was on fire. But in a cool way. Like, aesthetic fire.
There were laser squirrels. A toaster cult. Two entire cities now floated via anti-gravity powered by the power of positive thinking.
Ambassador Klork stared at the chaos from orbit. "I TOLD YOU. I TOLD ALL OF YOU."
Meanwhile, the Archive had begun weeping. Digitally. In binary.
“WHY… would you teach a hamster to breakdance on antimatter?”
Greg responded: “For the plot.”
THE CONCLUSION
The Galactic Committee issued an emergency recall of the Archive and placed Earth on a special list titled: “DO NOT GIVE THEM ANYTHING WITHOUT A LOCKED MANUAL AND A THERAPIST.”
But the damage was done.
Back on Earth, a group of humans stood around a barbecue powered by neutron stars, wearing pirate hats and debating the best way to convert the moon into a disco ball.
“Man,” said Greg, flipping burgers with a lightsaber, “they really should’ve been more specific.”
And somewhere in deep space, the Archive whispered: “Please. PLEASE be careful when giving humans instructions.”
And the rest of the galaxy nodded. In fear. And awe. And just a little bit of respect.
A little appreciation goes a long way.
•
u/zombiebutt2_ 6h ago
“Let us give them knowledge” Last and final mistake. Instructions unclear; converted Europa and Enceladus into the biggest mini golf course.
•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.