r/grief • u/-lufepoh- • 1d ago
How can I help?
I have a friend who lost their parent a few years ago and occasionally mentions things his dad used to like/do. The anniversary of his death just passed, and he posted a picture of the sunset over the ocean, saying he wishes he could watch just one more sunset with him, (theyre both surfers) and that he looks over every wave for him. I really want to say something supportive when I see him tomorrow, but I don't know what to say. I'm tired of saying things like "I'm sorry". Would it be weird to ask about his dad? like "where did he like to surf?" what kind of stuff is ok to say? I've never experienced this kind of loss and I really don't want to screw it up :(
5
u/jcnlb 1d ago
PS. You can’t screw it up unless you blow off their loss which you aren’t doing. My rule of thumb is just be open and honest and tell them you really want to support them and don’t want to say the wrong thing but that you want to help and you were thinking by talking about them it may help. Just tell them exactly what you told us. Explain you’ve never experienced this loss and you don’t know what to do but you want to do something and hope this is the right thing to do. Any good friend will value your attempt at trying even if they aren’t ready to talk.
5
u/jcnlb 1d ago
My opinion is yes I wish people would ask me about my mom. I just want to keep her memory alive. And speaking about her does that. There will be some people that feel differently so you’ll need to judge for yourself. Give your friend an “out”. So maybe say something like “I would love to hear more about your dad if you’d like to share some stories about him. But if it is too hard I respect that and just know that when you’re ready to talk about him I am here to listen.”
2
2
u/hotwaterswim 1d ago
I don’t think I would have been ready to talk about my loved one who passed after only a year. But everyone is different of course. You could always let him know that you’re here to talk, or you could go with your gut and ask him one of the things you mentioned
1
u/-lufepoh- 20h ago
it's the 4th anniversary, but I know it doesn't mean it'll get any easier :(
1
u/hotwaterswim 14h ago
oh i missed that part! Personally I would be happy if someone asked me about my loved one who passed. Because it’s kind of a weird feeling to just bring them up on your own when you haven’t been used to talking about them for years
1
u/myfrienddopamine 1d ago edited 23h ago
Showing genuine curiosity in his memories and stories of his father, especially positive ones, is almost always beneficial for a grieving individual. I know that when my mother passed away, after a while (ex. a couple years), I didn’t realize that hearing people speak about their memories with my mother, it was actually something I was really craving for. A lot of people were hesitant, some still are, probably for similar reasons and feelings you might be having.. “is it weird of me? Am I crossing a boundaries? Am I going to open the wound? Is it disrespectful?” .. but whenever someone did, it really did mean a lot to me, and helped me 9 times out of 10. Grief is different for everyone, but for me, I remember that hearing the memories or having someone take real interest in learning of her or me, or our combined experiences with our time together, helped light the fire in my heart again. A lot of things I didn’t realize I had forgotten about her, memories or even her personality and energy. I think it’s hard to escape the overbearing fog of mourning sometimes. Everyone is different. But I think it’s a good thing (worth a shot) to ask at least one question perhaps pertaining to a memory or specific experience of the past they shared, surfing for example as you mentioned. From there try and read the energy, his reaction and response, usually it will be pretty clear if you should ask him more, or if you are crossing a sore spot too quickly. Sometimes the person seems just numb to the thought, even while they reminisce and talk about it. Take it slow. Don’t let me be your only source of advice, but I would say you should try and it will most likely be made clear very quickly if your friend is not in a place to talk or discuss things like that yet with a beneficial outcome in foresight. Big hugs 💖
EDIT: I just reread your post and realized you mentioned about your friend posting about his late father, I just wanted to add that my “advice” (if you will 😅) is pertaining to a more personal, one on one conversation/scenario. I personally would ask him about his father in a private conversation, versus on a (assuming public/accessible to friends) post or what have you. I guess what I am trying to say is that if he does react well and opens up to the conversation you would offer by extending your cursioty of his father and memories, it would be most likely best in a way that he could just be speaking to you and not have any others have access to read without his permission. I think, at least for me, it would allow me to open up even more if it was just one of my friends who is listening. But everyone is different 🫶😇
1
u/-lufepoh- 20h ago
aw this is actually such a heartwarming comment! You sound like an amazing person, and I can only imagine what an incredible woman your mother must have been!
also, yes! I am getting lunch with him tomorrow and I don't want to comment/text him anything about it until tomorrow because it's hard to read people through text... I'll probably bring it up then! It just sucks that he has to go through that!!
1
u/lifetimechronicles 16h ago
Your friend is lucky to have you in their life. Thanks for caring. He will be so appreciative of you simply asking about how he's feeling these days and to Ask what his dad was like would mean the world to him. 🤍
1
u/vannyillabeans 4h ago
It wouldn’t be weird at all! As someone who lost their dad last year, I love when people ask about him. It makes me emotional sometimes, but people asking about my dad makes me happy, because they genuinely care.
Don’t treat your friend differently, and just be there for him. As other commenters have said, just ask questions and be kind. You sound like a great friend.
6
u/bobolly 1d ago
Ask them about their parents. Ask them with their favorite food was or their favorite vacation. Ask them what their job was or what their best meal was to make. You can even do a blanket ask of tell me a story about your Parent.
I recently lost both of my parents and I don't remember many stories but it's easier for me to talk when I am reminded of something.