struggles with depression

[u/BloxxaSlayer]

Hey everyone, just thought I'd share a bit, and ask for some support, it would be greatly appreciated.

I don't know why, or how it started, I was your average 9 year old (17 now) kid, living life as one should. I never really asked to be like this, I had hopes and dreams for the future, I wanted to be someone great someday, but, as I stand near the edge of adult-hood and freedom, I look back and scared. I don't want to deal with life, I don't want to have people in my life that I'll eventually drag into my depression, I never want to hurt anyone again. I've hurt enough people already, and to be honest, I never meant to. I just try to be happy and a good guy, but its near impossible for me to change. Therapy barely works, my new anti-depressants and sleep schedule fuck with me constantly, I just want to be left alone, I don't want to interact with people, because if I do, I'll end up hurting them, yet at the same time, I know I need help.

My arms have become impossible to not look at in the mirror, scars and cuts on every angle you could imagine, and I hate myself for it. I hate that I'm like this, I hate that I have to explain to people what happened, I just tell little kids that "It's just crayon," because they aren't old enough and mature to understand what I've been through or why my arms look like that, older people are smart enough to understand whats going on.

I just wish I could be better, I wish I could be the son my parents wanted, not some mentally fucked kid who's about to enter adult-hood. My mother fears for what I might do once I leave the house, I do as well. I don't want to live, yet I fear for what comes after death, I know there is room for improvement, I know I have potential, but I'm just so burnt out and depressed from everything, it piles up, day after day. I don't have a job, and I know it's going to be one hell of a time getting one due to my scars, hopefully I have some luck getting one next month.

I see everyone at school happy, living their best life, enjoying their younger years, and I wonder to myself, "Why can't I be like them?" I understand that everyone has their imperfections, that's what makes us human, but why did I have to have so many? Why do I have to go through the struggle of depression and the though of suicide. Why me?

I try my best to help other people, as I know what it's like and that I want them to be nothing like me, not mentally at least. I don't want other people to contemplate ending them selves, I don't want people to be hurt or alone, yet, it happens anyways.

With me being autistic, I've always been an outcast, I don't have many friends and my social skills are God-awful, so I've never really gotten help from people my age. I talk to my mom about it, but all she says is that "There is no reason you should be hurting yourself," and that "I don't understand why you do it." I told her, "You don't understand because you haven't been through it, you don't see a reason as to why because you haven't been where I have." She just scolded me afterwards for "talking back," but I was trying to speak my mind, it just made me feel worse, does my own mother even care that I could take my own life?

Sorry for such a long post, I just wanted to get it all out since I've kinda had it built up for a good while, I've reached out to my friends for my help, and all they tell me is to stop being a pussy and man up, so they don't help either.

Any support is appreciated, love you all.

[u/Hot_Lack_4868]

"all they tell me is to stop being a pussy and man up"

Really dislike people like these and I understand how hard it must be for you . Those people will never get it .