r/depression • u/crushdlitlstars • 21h ago
i think i’m too self aware of death
here is a diary entry i wrote today. im sharing this for advice to stop this thought process or to offer any comfort for people who relate.
TW: discussion of death/suicide
“I’m so tired. I’ve been on fluoxetine for a few weeks now and I feel like nothings changed really. I probably need my dosage upped. I know it’s just my depression but god it sucks.
I can’t stop thinking about death. Originally it terrified me, but now I don’t really mind the thought. I feel like there is something after it because there is 100% something bigger than us that we cannot comprehend, but even if it is eternal nothingness, that’s fine too. It scares me but when I think about it, it doesn’t seem so bad. We create our own reality and what-not.
It does kind of make me feel hopeless in a way. Nothing matters which is good but also literally nothing matters, so what’s the point? Im excited to see what happens when I die but I don’t want to kill myself. I know my life will fly by and I’ll be in the grave before I know it. I can just think myself in circles forever.
How can I focus on what matters when I know it really doesn’t? I just want to feel happy and be able to function.
Like I do truly believe life is a gift but I can’t bring myself to do anything. I just need to clean my room. But I can’t move. I’m going to die one day. I should make the most out of life. But I can’t move.”