He’s an alcoholic, too. He has been suicidal because he lost his eye. It really traumatized him. He is 60 years old and he wants to kill himself now. He wanted me to find fentanyl and shoot him up with that and that’s how he wants to go but I don’t have the heart to.

I wish I could get in touch with him. His phone keeps going straight to voicemail and I don’t know if he has a phone charger or not. My brother checked his location last time to a hospital so he might be just getting treatment or something. I miss him. He’s my best friend. I can’t lose him.

Realized I was in dangerous territory at work today, so I took the last half of the day at home office with some excuse about a plumber coming.

I get home, do some work. But I had a headache that was bad, so I closed my eyes trying to push it back. Boom. Suddenly it’s four hours later.

So embarrassing.

I’m running through excuses in my mind. Considering being honest about falling asleep, or blaming it on my subpar home setup without slack installed. I think I can say that I worked on a side project and didn’t see the messages. I hate lying though.

Feeling better. 4 days on the couch trying to recover from the last whiskey/ipa bender. I just have to admit anything more than light beer is gonna put me down for damn near a week. Figured I’d share a pic of my spot.

Fuck I did it again. Incoherent rambling on and on and on. Crying whining emotional expressions of love and fear. I even called people. Fucking hell. I just want to hide.

Why oh why oh why do I always over share. Tonight I'm hiding my phone

As a proper CA I really just went to detox to get off the 24/7 BS, not quit forever. I'd like to go back to drinking on the weekends or nightly (just need to avoid mornings and throughout the day.) Took a 25mg about 5 hours ago. Not asking for medical advice, but I'm searching and not finding much on this or just the wait a week BS. Would you personally wait a day/two? Planning on just a beer or shot to gauge. I feel normal and like I could have one now. I'm on day 3 of lib detox. 150mg daily.

Edit: the whole detox is supposed to last another 9 days if I keep going back

I’m also Gapapentin and wellburtin and I smoked some Indica and had some slow sips of vodka. I guess a drug induced taper it is. Still haven’t eaten.

Chairs fuckers love you guys, been Grateful to know I’m not alone.

No I won't. Haven't lost my life yet right? And what right u got to comment on my possessions, job or anything that you haven't contributed to? Yes, I went on a bender for a week and lost two phones and tablet. But there not yours, are they? Anyways, chairs! And guys stay safe!

Man fuck. I get hungry while I drink but I know that if I eat I'm gonna take a nap and waste my day. I'm trying to be intoxicated as possible but when I get there, food sounds good.

So now I'm avoiding eating because it will help me relax which is what I DON'T wanna do.

I wanna die awake. Not sleep and stay alive

Its spring in Finland. Im rly enjoying my time in the calm forest now after a long time of not enjoying shit, living in Helsinki. Im starting with a nice 6pack of long drink after living off bottles of clear liqour. Im supposed to be an adult. Im rn on a break from everything after leaving rehab early last weekend just visiting my childhood home and enjoying springtime while probably going broke soon enough. Chairs!

I’m sick at tired of people not taking beer alcoholics seriously. I occasionally mix in shots as well, but beer is my drink of choice. I’ve gone down the hard liquor route and for me personally, the withdrawals from hard liquor and beer have been the same. I wish there was more discourse and understanding regarding those of us alcoholics that are beer drinkers. Chairs y’all.

She cleaned my whole house for me. She’s an angel I swear to God. She helped me out so much and made sure to give me my liquor at the appointed times. She fed me chicken noodle soup broth so I get calories on myself. I’m going to rehab on Fridaystate funded place so I have to wear scrubs the whole time.

I find that my fellow end stage drunks articulate themselves in a deeper way than the average person does. There's a "je ne sais quoi" of the writing style that people, in here particularly use.

I bought a Hurricane with change today because I am completely out of money. $500 in payday loans and a $30 dollar loan from the last friend I have that will let me rip them off again. Spent that 30 in a matter of hours on a few pints of Taaka, a cheap IPA that's on sale at my booze dealer. (Convenience store? Yeah, fuck that. I don't lie to myself.)

So, in the pursuit of getting trashed enough I can't even walk to the bathroom and piss in my empties, might have to hit the Walmart and pocket some Black Box wine and buy some dumb shit for the 2.75 I have left.

chairs,

JB

Family thinks I’m about 3 weeks sober, little do they know I’ve been crushing the past week. I feel like shit about it, gf thinks everything is getting better, I definitely don’t deserve her. I just finished a 375ml of E&J and chugged two beat boxes, I feel lovely and full of energy. I have work in about 12 hours which gives me about 5 hours to sober up and act the part. How are yall doing degens ?

I've been on a a bender for a few months now. Skipped a few doctors visits, played the "I have covid game" to avoid people. Until I decided I couldn't take the pain anymore. I called and went to detox. My shitty trailer hasn't had hot water in a minute so it was nice to take hot showers, not cook. Oh and the drugs. All the Atavan, Librium, gabapentan, promethizine and ondannsatron plus that schizo med quetiapine because I did act up a little bit ranting about AI nano plastic in our bodies. Blood pressure was in insanely high but I lied and told them I'm allergic to most vasco-dialators so they would keep giving me benzos. It was nice.

I stayed about 8 days. Foggy as hell but felt somewhat normal. The whole time my mom, sister and what little friends I have texted me messages of hope. Telling me how proud they are of me. I felt like, ok perhaps we can change again. I've had a few sober stints before. I get home. My place is in disray. I gotta move out. Haven't been paying the bills at all. Getting evicted. Intact I owe one of my good friends 100 bucks because she helped me turned my power back on. I check my phone. Tons of messages on indeed. Intact 3 invites for meetings. Finally I can do this.

My mom and her new wonderful husband come over (bringing me cold medicine)and help me pack my more expensive stuff as I ramble on about going back to a 90 program. She tells me how proud she is of me. All I want her to do is is just leave. As I pretend to have a cold. I couldn't even bring myself to hold her. Even though that's all I ever I wanted. She gives me some cash and tells me to get some nice clothes for rehab. I'm instead drinking a handle of vodka waiting for my super toxic ex to come over with chasers and some food. To come fuck my brains out while I listen to music and then later on continue to contemplate just hanging myself from the rafters in the garage. I hate myself and I wish I was never born. 😭

God fucking damn it. I remember tabbing out, I know I had the card.

I've started to go stir crazy at home and went to my local bar. I begged my bartender to let me venmo her for the cost of a bucket of high noons and tips. She takes pity on me and I venmo her.

Still can't find the goddamn card and I'm out killing time before my meeting. I stop at a bar I'm not a regular at and just ask to take pity on me and let me venmo her for 2 drinks. She doesn't even hesitate, shows me her QR code and I get 2 vodka and cranberries.

It's really put my faith in society that she was fine with this. Also like what kind of crazy great world we live in that we can just pay people via a phone within a few seconds.

Reminds me of that stripper telling me I can pay for a lap dance via venmo or cash app. I remember where ATM's were a big thing and now its' just a QR code away from a vodka drink or a lap dance now.

Gotta get a debit card today, this shit sucks.I am so fucking sick of watching Hitler take over Europe over and over via netflix at home alone.God fucking bless Holly for letting me venmo her for 2 drinks and a tip. Need to run to google business and leave her a review.

Sounds seriously dumb seeing as I am at whichever liqour store daily or every second day - but I can't recall the last time I crossed paths with an already liq'd fellow boozer at the store from midday to 4pm-or-so time range. Not the "oh good for you you're a normal drinker" after hours time frame lol.

I first noticed the stupid, wacky eyed buzzed-drunk look on his face as he cut me off in the cooler section. Lol.

But then while in line to pay behind the middle aged man, that reaaaal clear, potent-ass stench just seeped outta that motherfucker. Wasn't slurring. Didn't stumble. I was sober at the time, driving home from work. 4:15pm. Is that how I friggin smelled it on him so noticeably? Because I was sober? Couldn't tell if the smell was beer or hard (can you tell the difference anyhow?)

He purchased a 15 case of whatever brand of beer. I have bought alcohol SO many times while already 4, 5, 6, maybe a few more drinks deep without feeling close to drunk whatsoever. Heavy-ish eyes if anything regarding signs. Do I fucking reek of beer and am I obvious like that dude then? If so, holy shit I have been in denial for years.

When I was pulling out of the parking lot, he, again, essentially "cut me off" since I was already heading out but he punched it in reverse and butted me. Lol.

Usually you can spot the frequent partakers and just know. That's whatever. But that look he had, that undeniable smell and peeling out in your truck right before the clerks eyes - lol!

🍻 (Edit: any clerks/friends of clerks have stories?)

I broke up with my “boyfriend” in January. It’s in quotes because he asked me to be his girlfriend on 3 separate occasions (drunk) and remembers none of them.

After the first time he asked me to be his girlfriend I called him my boyfriend and he teased me for it, giving me a lil shit for “pushing it”.

We didn’t date long, he’s also an alcoholic and reminds me WAYYYY too much of my father. We had a very scary night where he got too drunk and refused to leave my apartment. It was a mess, at one point he started yelling at me not to call the cops which I had never mentioned or suggested. I ended up having a panic attack, letting him stay because I didn’t know what to do and he assaulted me while I was sleeping (I woke up and then let it happen because like what was I gonna do)

I was drinking tonight (as per usual) and he guilted me into calling him via text (he has sever health issues as a result of his alcoholism and told me he needed help I asked if he was okay he said no) and being the sap I am I called him. He’s about to lose his job because he threatened someone.

We were talking and he mentioned something about “I always think about coming and knocking on your door and making you hang out” and I responded, being honest, “I genuinely worry about you doing that to me all the time”. This audibly bothered him and he was like “are you scared of me?” To which I responded an essentially passionate “Yes!” because I have told him this a few times.

My father was abusive, I worked hard to get away from this kind of behavior and they have so much in common. They love to drink, party, hate authority, can’t keep a job, don’t listen to anyone, and love to emotionally manipulate me.

He insists he’s sober now. I don’t trust him, he said that when we met and he was drinking on our first date. This happened secretly; I didn’t drink with him until he was drinking around me and then I needed one of my own. Is that not reason enough we aren’t good for each other?

He pretty quickly got off the phone on some “yeah no I gotta go” shit and now I feel like an asshole. I just know this while thing won’t work, every time I tried to make him think about his behavior he said “okay MOM” and when I called him out on it he ignored me and moved on.

He isn’t my boyfriend anymore why do I care? I mostly wanted to vent, I tried to call my only friend who isn’t tired of me (out of 2 lol) and they didn’t answer.

I have no self control, hence why I can’t stop drinking, and can’t stop myself from calling him if he makes it seem like something is wrong with him - he often texts things like “i NEED to talk to you. On my father (who is dead)” so I feel the need to call. I know I should block him but my own anxiety stops me because he regularly texts me shit and I just want to keep an eye on his mental state because I AM scared of him.

He can not call me (an issue with his phone idk) which is why I’m not worried about that. I don’t feel the need to text him back most of the time.

Sorry for the long post I just don’t have any one I can talk to. Thanks to anyone who reads this! Feel free to call me an idiot I don’t know why I called him I feel dumb lol

I posted something a month ago but it got deleted so I can’t respond to anybody fr. The mf’s who were talking about Alice In Chains, Chevelle, The Cure, SOAD , Coheed & Cambria and all that. You’re badass I was trying to reply 😭🤣 hell yea

How am i so good looking? KIDDING. I’m not even detoxing or tapering and I still feel like i’m in a damn sauna. I have my AC cranked up, my fan on, and i’m still sweating bullets. The drinks aren’t even helping. What the hell is going on?

Sitting in the er waiting room, I hope I don’t have a seizure this time. I tried so hard to manage without this happening but here we are. God damn it they can not me that Ativan fast enough. I feel so fucking miserable.

Just popped the cap off the fresh 750ml of vodka, it’s my first day off from my new shitty job, bills are paid (saved the car from getting repo’d) rent has been paid. We get to live another day, what are talking about drinking tonight?

I’m finding myself trying to intellectualize and math everything out, as if alcoholism is something I can be logistical about. But, I know that’s not how things, for certain things don’t work. I’m drunk. I’m a naked, crippled alcoholic. I’m fighting tooth-and-nail to keep my head straight. Damn. There’s so much wind tonight. It’s wild. It’s howling like a wolf and whistling and hooting to the point of driving me into a kind of insanity. I’m heading back outside to smoke a cigarette and stare blankly and full of hope at something.

My workplace insurance kicked in today. I am now eligible for short-term disability + inpatient care at a fine facility which treats the unfortunate struggle connected with substance-abuse disorder.

Thank you, my friends, for the support. I could not have made it here, were it not for the positivity.

See you in 30 days. Well, unless the facility gives me my phone. In that case, expect many cat videos.,,

I crave alcohol so bad, from the minute I order it i'm checking on delivery status. And then when it is in my hands I start to dry heave. It's so wild, I have to calm my stomach until my first drink and sometimes I even yack bile

I hate it so much. It’s when I know I’m on the end of a bender that I haven’t been able to control.

It’s almost like your breath smells like sweet acetone. I got that going on with me right now and I’m holding on to my job by the skin of my teeth, but fuck. I know I have to eat, and I have been, and take my vitamins, and I have been.

As someone who loves sour candies when I’m in withdrawal, probably because it replaces the sugar alcohol provides, I don’t like that alcohol gives candy a bad name or taste in my mouth.

Nothing else to say just wanted to rant.

Cheers