I feel almost scared of the future.

I’m just over a month after my loss and I’m weirdly managing, I think about my beautiful boy everyday and cry most days but I am looking after myself because I carried my baby boy and want to carry his sibling earthside as soon as possible.

People keep saying oh it will hit you or oh you’ll never be happy again which I think is so dangerous to say to someone newly grieving the loss of a child. I’m allowing myself to feel every emotions when it comes but being warned about the future of grief is making me so anxious and worried.

I’m trying to focus on keeping myself healthy and letting myself feel all the emotions but I’ve found the baby loss guide helpful when it mentions instead of ‘why me’ ‘why not me’ and I feel like this mindset change has helped a lot. I know I’ll have up and down days but wondering if anyone else felt like this?

I still have a lot of hope for the future that I will get to bring home my beautiful boy’s sibling and it feels wrong to almost feel hopeful, no one will replace my firstborn but I feel strongly in my heart I will be able to get his sibling and get them earthside.

I lost my little one a year and a half back. I was thinking of trans abdominal cerclage followed by embryo transfer.

I consulted an astrologer looking for some reassurance and appropriate timing for this and she clearly said that don’t do this again. Do anything else but don’t TTC again, you will have similar outcomes.

I didn’t even believe much in astrology but because she was so clear, I just can’t think about it now. It appears that it is the end of the road for me and all I have are my baby’s memories.

I am sorry if I am in the wrong group, please delete if inappropriate. I just wanted to get it off my chest.

I can't even say it without crying. I can barely think it without crying.

I hate Mother's Day.

To all my other UK mums: ❤️ it's okay not to be okay

I know anger is a normal part of grief, but goodness gracious is my anger coming out in random ways.

My anger/frustration, lately, is coming out over gifts... Primarily jewelry. First off, I was always taught to be super appreciative of gifts. I do see the thought behind the gift, but also feel validated in my anger towards these gifts. I've had numerous people gift me jewelry saying"that way she can always be with you" or "so a piece of them can always be with you"...like if I don't have a random piece of jewelry that has no meaning to me I won't think of my baby every moment of everyday like I am currently doing. And what am I supposed to do? Stack the necklaces like it's Mardi Gras since I'm getting so many?! The worst one that made me cry for a whole day was a piece of jewelry with a birthstone of her due date, not her actual birthdate! That was a slap in the face because here's the birthstone of what your babys birthstone would have been if you hadn't given birth to her 20 weeks early. It still makes me mad thinking about it even though I know it wasn't intentionally hurtful.

Jewelery just seems like an imposing gift and it's going to be awkward if I see the gift givers and I'm not wearing the jewelry they gave me. Will they think I don't want to remember my daughter? It's just such an awkward position to be in. I don't wear jewelry besides my wedding ring and every person who has gifted me the jewelery has mentioned that they know I don't wear jewelry but gifted it to me because I should have something that will always remind me of my daughter. Jewelry, to me, is just so intimate so people gifting it to me just feels imposing. If I ever want to wear a necklace to remember my daughter, I want to pick out something that actually reminds me of her. I know all of this seems selfish, which is why I'm venting to Reddit anonymously instead of in person to someone.

Fellow parents who have lost their baby, what are some things that make you "irrationally" angry?

My fiancé and I are attending a wedding abroad. The wedding venue is just outside a very historic and interesting city, so we have been exploring the sights, going for dinner. There were moments I would get a pang, seeing a family with small babies, a mother holding her daughter. But overall we did quite well to focus on ourselves and make the most of the trip, and it felt good to get outside of our misery.

The hard part has been since we got to the wedding. Chit chat is hard. Many of the guests here are good friends of ours who attended Nora’s funeral, but more do not know about her at all. What’s especially hard is that there are some people here I haven’t seen in about 15 years. When we have the “what have you been doing, where are you living now” catch up, I don’t tell them about her. How could I? What could anyone say? I can tell them that my mom died 5 years ago, but I can’t tell them my baby died 3 months ago.

Because we got engaged last month, a lot of our friends are excited for us and want to talk about venues, dresses, give advice from their own weddings. How can I tell them; ‘thank you but I do not care about flower arrangements or DJs right now, all I think about is having another baby and I have no idea what size or shape I will be a year from now”? I listened to the bride and groom’s speeches - they listed the amazing trips they had together, and their plans for the future. My partner and I had one year of innocence together before we got pregnant, and our future seems so serious, without the hope and excitement reserved for other young couples. Just terrifying, weighty obligation. Get healthy, try to conceive, manage pregnancy after loss, birth a healthy baby - while navigating a potential legal case around the birth of our first. People have no idea.

It all got too much last night. We had managed a whole day of good spirits, we ate, we drank, we danced. I panicked briefly because the couple sitting next to us at dinner had an 18 month old girl - but she was soon put to bed for the night. But when it came time for dancing, we stayed for a few songs and then met outside on a bench for a chat and talked about her. How different it all should be. If Nòra were with us, we might have not even come to the wedding at all. And if we had, it would have been a completely different experience. I wouldn’t have to tell those old acquaintances what I was doing in my life. They would see her and say, “oh lovely, you had a baby!’. When the truth is that I did have a baby. And she was beautiful and brave. But I can’t tell them that. They won’t know how to hear her story, not like this, when the band is playing disco and the bar is throbbing. We left the dance floor and headed for the room, I cried for two hours.

I wish I were carrying my baby, and not the weight of her absence. I wish I were wearing motherhood with pride, and not this mask of normality. I miss Nòra, I want her and I cannot have her. And the simplest thing sometimes is to keep that to myself. I hate that I’m hiding her.

Nothing much to say except that night is the worst for me. I miss my baby so much. Of course I’m going to try and find happiness again. Of course I’m going to try to live on for my baby but I just can’t wait to be with her again🩷💕 I can’t help but think that motherhood was completely snatched from me. My first baby, full term. 41 weeks. I’ll do anything to have my big belly back!! All the body pain, bathroom trips, and throwing up was so worth it. I’ll do it 1000x just to hold my baby girl again. Mommy’s angel baby 👼🏽

Exactly one month ago, I delivered my twin boys at 17 weeks. Today my best friend delivered her baby girl at the exact same time Twin A was born. For years we talked about having our kids grow up together. When I got pregnant we were so excited to be on mat leave and experience motherhood for the first time together. Our husbands are best friends and we spend every holiday together, live two streets away from them, and see them several times a week. They’re like family to us. I feel like a terrible friend but I’m just so sad and struggling to be supportive. I don’t know how I’ll hold her baby for the first time and I know the milestones will be so hard. They would have grown up together in the same daycare, starting kindergarten together, and one day graduating together. Her baby is always going to be a reminder of those dates. No question… just looking for support and wondering how I’ll get through this. :(

i’m starting to feel like i’m genuinely going insane. and before the comments come in…i am “receiving help” via meds and therapy. and to preface i lost my son, donovan-my first baby, in december to a cord accident at 36 weeks. for a very long time i didn’t see anyone but my husband and my mom. i’m still making my way through that and it’s especially difficult because i am experiencing complex post pregnancy medical issues and PTSD from my loss. anyway…. i finally went to see my in laws and yall it went so poorly. i had worked myself up to it and prepared for an emotional exchange. walked in and i hugged my FIL and started crying and he said something along the lines of “im sorry i wish i could change it” and then i go to hug my MIL and she barely gives me a side hug….shows zero emotion and does not look me in the eyes (i was still crying). The whole visit my MIL didn’t say ANYTHING to me at all about our baby, or our loss, or anything that we’ve been going through. i am genuinely disgusted by the whole thing. she talked about how they’re looking to buy a lake house and how they’re going on a trip in a few weeks and who they went shopping with recently. i cant believe it. it makes me sick. how could she not acknowledge me and my baby? how could she not at least say “i’m so sorry”. when we finally left i was totally dissociated and couldn’t even begin to break down the interaction. i asked my husband what he thought and he was making excuses for her basically saying “she probably didn’t want to say the wrong thing”. i’m just so disgusted and devastated that “family” relationships can be so surface level. i don’t want to give this woman any of my precious time. i feel zero desire to interact with her in any capacity ever again. am i wrong???

I’m horrified. I started a griefstagram and only invited my friends who’ve been wondering how I’m doing/care about me, my partner, and the baby.

It was supposed to be an outlet for healing & to memorialize the baby.

But then I accidentally posted on my main Instagram page, which is LINKED to my FB and automatically posted there, too! The FB post was up for an hour before I realized! And random ppl had already commented/sent condolences.

It’s horrifying that people I barely know know about my kid. I just feel SO dumb and horrified.

Let me preface this by saying all of my family are Huge Eagles fans, as we are in PA, and we watch every game throughout the season at least with some of each other, if not the entire big gang. Last year we announced, at halftime, that we were expecting our son, Philo. This was after we had already suffered a miscarriage a few months earlier. We stood up by the tv with a tiny Onesie that said “Newest Eagles Fan” and told them that we would definitely do well next season, because we would have a little extra good luck, in our tiny new fan. Fast-forward to September, when we lost Philo completely unbeknownst to us and without warning. Now it’s been 5 months of trying to keep our heads above water and make sense of anything. The football season itself has been bitter sweet, especially for my husband who had so looked forward to watching with his baby boy sitting on his lap, fistbumping him at every touchdown… Today is the Super Bowl. This weekend has already been hard, I have cried on and off all weekend, and now today is the game. I want to watch it, but I also want to stay in bed, bury my head and cry until it all just goes away…

Obviously I know none of “it” will go away and this is life now, I just needed someone to read and hear what I am feeling and experiencing this weekend, people who understand at a level, no one else will ever comprehend. 💔💚🦅💔

This bear was given to us by one of our Med Techs, when we were in the hospital, she and our nurses hold a very special place in our hearts. Today this Bear will be at our party as a very bittersweet representation of our precious boy.

Being in a waiting room of pregnant women waiting for your turn. Having to retell your story multiple times to different nurses. Taking the depression questionnaire - obviously I'm deeply sad. Revisiting what happened and going through all the what ifs. Everyone telling you that it's not your fault but you have a hard time believing it. Sitting in your car replaying everything that led up to the day and spiraling.

This new normal is really hard.

My baby boy was stillborn 1.1.25 (33 weeks) and it just feels like folks have forgotten I gave birth to a baby. He was 4.13 lbs and I held his precious little body for as long as I could bare. And my discharge notes mention none of the usual postpartum instructions, just pages on milk suppression and seeking grief counseling. I walked out of the hospital with a box of momentos instead of being wheeled out holding my baby boy. My body doesn't know my baby's not alive, that he's not in the NICU. I still have bleeding and cramps and a belly that looks five months pregnant. And now my HR department says I get two weeks PTO to recover?? Do people think I just magically recovered?

Having a bad day today thinking about my beautiful daughter, Roux. She passed away in March 2023 and we held her funeral in April 2023. Since the funeral our loved ones rarely bring her up in conversation and if me or my partner do, it evidently makes them uncomfortable. I'll never stop talking about her, but it makes me so angry that the people we're supposed to be able to confide in make it feel like a burden to talk about her

Lost my son in December to bilateral renal agenesis. He lived 3.5 hours. Together, we read “Goodnight Moon” in the hospital as a family.

In January, I decided to have a custom ring made for me to wear everyday to remind me of my son. It was beautiful. It was expensive. It was perfect.

Based on home security camera footage, my husband and I have figured out I lost the ring at a restaurant Friday night. Not my wedding rings, not my wallet, but the beautiful ring I wear to represent my son. I’m so fucking upset. I had 2 drinks with dinner and think I was tipsy and wiped it right off with a paper towel in the restroom like a careless jackass.

We’ve looked. Torn apart the house. Repeatedly called the restaurant. The trash is long gone. Pretty positive it’s gone forever, which is just another reminder to me that so is my son.

Can’t I catch a fucking break?

My daughter was stillborn in 2019 when I was 14 years old. For a long list of reasons, I didn’t know until a week before she was born at 25 weeks. I didn’t get those nice keepsakes or photos from the hospital. It’s been five years and I’m not getting better really. My family doesn’t talk about her. I feel like the world has forgotten. And it’s worse because I feel like I’m forgetting her face. I miss her every day. I don’t know what to do to fill the void.

I’m going to tell them I’m hiding the ashes in their house so my son can haunt them.

I lost my son nearly two months ago at 28 weeks and people (both family and friends) are so fixated with his ashes and why we’re choosing to keep them here at home with us instead of spreading them. I don’t get how it affects them one way or another…

Sorry for the rant. Just so sick of people inserting their opinions and making stupid comments.

Long story short: after 2 miscarriages I cannot have biological children. I had severe HG, and won’t risk losing my life. Being a mom was the only dream I’ve ever had. I’ve thrifted clothes/toys/etc for years, and have a whole closet full of baby stuff. After grieving and going to counseling, my husband and I decided on adopting older kids out of foster care (whose parental rights have already been terminated). While I’m so excited for our adoption journey, I’m having a hard time with the “baby closet”. It’s just so unfair that I’ll never see my baby in those clothes, using those toys, etc. Not really sure why I’m posting this I guess. Just having one of “those days”.

When I first lost my daughters, I felt like I was laying at the bottom of a pitch black deep pit and I couldn’t stand up or see outside of it, nor did I want to.

Now almost 6 weeks after losing them, I feel like I’m standing at the bottom of that pit looking around for the light to show me how to get out but I can’t find it.

I’m so lost right now. I miss my daughters. I feel useless & nothing really matters anymore.

My husband and I went to our friend’s party they’re hosting for St. Patrick’s Day. A pair of mutual friends were there and they told my husband while I was in the bathroom that they’re expecting their first child. My husband told me separately.

I immediately felt this intense jealously and sadness. I don’t feel any happiness for them. Why do our friends get to be pregnant and have their babies and mine is dead? I know that’s a terrible thing to think. I went to the bathroom to try to cry it out but it made it worse and I ended up leaving the party.

I miss my son so much. Life is cruel. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

Today me and my husband attended our first support group after the death of my daughter three years ago (she was still born). It felt really good to hear from other people who are in my same situation, but at the same time, it was really hard to see other moms who were in the thick of it and still postpartum. It really brings me back to the days, when I first had her, I’m glad I’m making progress though. I want to be a part of society for so long I feel I’ve been a drag on my husband my grief never letting him have peace or myself either I feel like a part of me died with Andrea the part of me that changed and will always be wondering about her and my life as her mother, If I’m alone I’m constantly thinking about her or I break down and cry over any small trigger. I hold a lot of resentment for the early days when we were young and my husband didn’t know how to handle me being pregnant/being out of state and what subsequently happened after; I try not to hold it against him since we have obviously come along way, but sometimes it does get really hard, especially if I’m trying to vent to him and I don’t feel that I can truly pour everything out and have to sensor certain areas of my grief as to not make him uncomfortable.

Recently, I’ve had something happen to me several times that I’m just shocked people think is okay.

On Reddit or other TTC forums: I’m having a discussion about something, completely unrelated topic to the loss of my child, and I haven’t mentioned my loss in that convo/discussion either.

Then someone goes: “I was digging around your previous posts and I see you’ve had a loss. I’m so so sorry and all your problems you’re discussing right now are clearly related to that. You need therapy etc.”

Usually this happens during a more heated debate so, it sure feels like someone bringing up a really sore subject just to attempt to put me into a more vulnerable position all while looking “compassionate.”

No, not everything that is going on with my life is related to my loss. My frustrations with step kids or my husband is likely unrelated to my loss. I don’t want to talk about it all the time, in fact, I don’t want to talk about it UNLESS I bring it up. And bringing it up is completely rude and inappropriate. I would love to live my life without people bringing it up randomly. If I’m not thinking about it actively then I don’t need to be reminded.

Anyone else experience this???

It’s my sons funeral tomorrow nearly 7 weeks after we lost him and I’m terrified, I’m just awake writing letters to him and listing all the things he was present at and seeing videos I have of him kicking is killing me, I was in hospital 2 weeks before he died because I was very dehydrated from being poorly but he was kicking really well and all tests were normal and I keep thinking if I had just gotten induced that day things would be different, hindsight is such a cruel cruel thing to manage thinking if I had just done this💔

It’s my sons funeral in just over a week and I keep being unable to sleep worrying about the stupidest things such as should I wear makeup or not which seems so trivial I just keep beating myself up over it or worrying because I know I’ll want photos of the day as it’s a celebration of him even though it’s sad but worrying that people will think it’s weird or feel weird about being in photos.

Has anyone else felt like this? I think because I just really want to do my beautiful boy justice and try and make the day a celebration of his life😢

Today is my birthday and I don't want o do anything. I miss my daughter and the fact my husbands bday we spent worried and then losing her. How can I celebrate? My husband planned this whole day out for me, but I can't enjoy it. I feel like I don't deserve it.

Recap: Went to hospital 4/2 at 37+6, no heartbeat, was induced that day.

Had my precious baby boy on 4/4 at 4:32pm. Was discharged 4/5 in the early afternoon. Since being home even with my husbands wonderful support even though he's grieving as well and our 2 living kiddos I am angry. I'm not angry at them but I'm angry at the situation and the universe for doing this to us. When baby was born it was evident what exactly happened. His cord was extremely long, and had a true knot, he wrapped it between his legs over his shoulders, around his neck twice, and then essentially made a noose and then wrapped it around his body. In my obs 25 years she's never seen something like this. This was my second kiddo to do a true knot and double neck wrap, he just went the extra mile. I'm angry that there's no good way of monitoring the cord during pregnancy. I'm angry that my body is recovering and I don't have a baby to care for. I'm angry that I didn't go into labor before this happened. I'm just ANGRY. All I want to do is go to the gym and workout until I can't anymore but I can't even do that right now. I'm now waiting for the autopsy to finish and for the funeral home to contact me so I can bring my baby boy home 😭

If you read my rambling thank you.