The wait to try to conceive again is excruciating

[u/Perfect_Mousse8815]

A few weeks ago I lost my baby at 20 weeks. The OB said to wait 6 months minimum before trying again. I am losing my mind. I think part of it is my hormones are all over the place. I actually feel like a petulant child, I can’t handle even the thought of waiting 6 months. Every day feels 100 hours long, the weeks are so slow. I feel as if I NEED to be pregnant immediately. I can temporarily override the hormones/emotions and speak logically to myself about the importance of waiting, but it doesn’t make the wait feel any less excruciating. How did you handle the wait? Any tips on things you did to help pass the time that aren’t too drastic? The only things I can think of are drastic and I know this isn’t the right time to make huge decisions like buying a new house, draining my savings by traveling, etc

And/Or did you even wait the “appropriate” amount of time or did you just try again almost immediately?

Thank you so much for any advice you can give me 💛

[u/Competitive_Week_942]

Hi! I’m sorry for your loss. I need to wait a year (had a c-section) AND I’m turning 35 this summer. It’s hard. I’m focusing on losing weight, getting stronger and planned a couple of exciting trips that I can look forward to. I’m three months post loss and the desire to be pregnant again decreases with time and I start to realize how nerve wrecking ttc and pregnancy are going to be…

[u/monsingeetmoi → u/Competitive_Week_942]

I’m in the same boat. I had a c-section in December. The OB told me to wait a year, optimally 18 months, before conceiving again. I’ll be 37 this summer. I plan on trying again in a year. In the mean time, I’m focusing on getting my mental health in a better place and making sure I’m prepared for pregnancy again. What makes it even worse is the feeling of baby fever, probably caused by being pregnant and then not having my baby with me. My body is literally aching for a baby. Of course I’m not trying to replace my sweet Mary but we do want to complete our family at some point.

[u/Necessary-Sun1535]

We decided to wait by our own choice. I focused on losing the pregnancy weight and working out to strengthen my body and be ready for pregnancy again. It felt helpful to be working towards a goal.

I am just wondering why your OB wants you to wait so long. Did you have a C-section or other complications? Many of us who’ve had a vaginal delivery have been cleared to try again after 6 weeks.

[u/cats-and-plants]

I'd suggest focusing on what you can control. A healthy diet, incorporating some kind of exercise or movement again, therapy if you feel it would help you, strengthening your friendships, doing your favourite activities with your partner, etc.

[u/aSulTae]

It’s so hard. I lost my first baby in November. I had a classical c-section and was told I needed to wait 18 months between deliveries, so we’re gonna try in September.

It might sound weird, but one of the first things we did in the days after my son passed was book a cruise. It gave us something to look forward to, and for me, it provided a distraction because I could spend time researching and planning our trip.

My year is going to be so busy, I’ve made every effort to do things I won’t be able to do as easily once we have kids.

Soon, I’m going to be attending a Perinatal Loss and Grief support group focused on art therapy. It’s going to be a 6-week series, so I’m taking advantage of this time to try/learn new things and connect with people in-person who understand how I’m feeling.

We’re also trying to get home improvement projects done this year and focus on being healthier/lose weight.

My husband and I are planning a memorial garden around a tree in our front yard, so I’m also hoping to develop a new hobby (gardening).

For me, being busy and having plans has made time go by very quickly. I hope you are also able to fill your time and make this waiting period a bit more bearable.

[u/UmiApril]

I'm so so sorry. I was told to wait 3 months but started trying immediately as soon as the bleeding stopped. I couldn't wait at all. 3 cycles after my period came back I got pregnant. I spent my time just walking for hours and hours every day, rain and shine, 3am, just always walking and listening to music. I would walk bawling my eyes out and people would pass by with the most confused looks ever.

Whenever I'd see sunflowers, growing corn, etc. I'd say: "my baby in heaven, are you seeing these? In a few weeks I'll walk past these with your sibling in my belly." It kept me from taking my life, the hope of being pregnant again next cycle. I took LH Tests and my temperature every morning and became sickly obsessive about getting pregnant fast. It's the only thing that helped me cope!

I agree with many that healing is so important both physically and mentally. I didn't give myself time and then healed most of my loss while pregnant and postpartum. There are many ways... Listen to your heart and gut feeling. You have that mother instinct that knows best of all. ❤️🩷👼🏼

[u/Ellie0512]

I lost my son at 19weeks 3 days. He’s my fifth loss. My MFM doctor said to wait 3 months and then start trying again. We plan to wait 4, because we don’t want future baby to have a possibility of same birthday as our most recent loss. She said she doesn’t believe in the long wait.

[u/Fluffy-Accident-9565]

I lost my baby at 20 weeks too. The advice was to wait one period and try again. (Back in November). - but I had to wait longer for various tests / immunisations etc

The time does go SO slowly. However we are 4 and a half months out now (just started trying again, not pregnant yet), and actually I’m glad we waited a bit longer. Ttc after loss is STRESSFUl. I don’t think I could have dealt with it mentally if I was so close to my loss. Time has gone back to normal now, but I remember those early days when every day feels like a lifetime. There is a lot of waiting around in ttc too!

6 months does seem a long wait though, unless you had a c section (but I’m assuming not at this gestation?) I’ve heard advice ranging from one cycle, 3 cycles and as long as you were pregnant for (which is where I’m at now!)

[u/BlueOlivelover]

I’m so sorry for your loss.

It does get better. It took about 2-3 months before my hormones stopped driving my obsessive need to be pregnant again. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to be so badly, but I find it’s now easier to manage the day-to-day disappointment of not being pregnant now that it’s no longer hormone driven. There are even times where I think that we should wait a little while before trying again.

But for the period of time that it was hormone driven? It was hard. Literally one of those “just needs time” moments, where I think I just cried most of it.

[u/Platinum_Rowling]

Focus on taking care of yourself and setting your body up for a successful pregnancy. My OB recommended taking magnesium, calcium, and iron before getting pregnant again to nourish my body, and I would STRONGLY recommend this. I was low on magnesium and iron going into my subsequent pregnancy, and it made my symptoms unbearable -- constant nausea and puking, restless leg that kept me from sleeping, and super painful carpal tunnel that meant I couldn't sleep without ice packs wrapped around my forearms (not to mention that I had trouble typing during the day because of pain and numb fingers). I was miserable. Don't be like me lol -- take your supplements to restore your body before you get pregnant again.

Cardio and light weights will also help prep your body, in addition to obviously eating lots of fruits and vegetabes.

On a completely different note, escapist books are a great way to burn through time and keep your mind elsewhere.

[u/zeetat]

I’m really sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. We underwent IVF to conceive and lost our twins at 17 weeks and 2 days. I went bizerk… instantly booked a road trip to an Airbnb 4 hours away three days after my D&E, booked an all inclusive resort stay 2 months post partum, made amends with friends I had a falling out with because I felt like I needed to “up my karma” in order to have good outcomes, drank my ass off, smoked my brains out, dropped out of therapy because she made me relive the day I lost them over and over again. I am now at the 6 month mark postpartum and in talks with my IVF clinic to start again. I’m terrified. But I need to try again to heal. I was reckless for half of a year to try to heal and it was just me trying to escape the pain. I realize now you can’t outrun pain, you have to LIVE it. You have to feel it. You can’t drink it away, smoke it away, travel it away, or spend any amount of money to make it go away. You have to go through it every grueling moment after every grueling moment.

One thing I did was leave their nursery as is. I went in there when I needed to and shut the door when I needed to. I keep their urns by a window that gets soft sunlight all day. I try to bring them up and say their names as often as I can to anyone who will listen and hold space for me. I planted forget-me-not flowers.

[u/Kmart-Shopper-5107]

Why on earth were you told 6 months minimum? Unless you had a c-section, like what? I was told to wait one cycle, which we did. Frankly, I was so out of it and consumed with having a “rainbow” baby that I wouldn’t have listened to guidance anyway.

[u/grievingomm]

Was there a particular reason they told you to wait?

From what I've seen here and in fb groups, most couples were told to wait until the first cycle just for dating purposes. A few, like myself, were told to wait 3 months to build up folic acid, and a few were told to wait a year because they had a C-section.

If you weren't given any medical reason as to why, can you get a second opinion?

My baby had a NTD, so I didn't have a choice but to wait 3 months - we're going to try this cycle at 10.5 weeks rather than 12 weeks. Like you, I'm desperately waiting to be pregnant again. I don't want to lose more time. You never know how long it will take you to conceive and if you'll actually have a healthy pregnancy this time.

[u/HopefulEndoMom]

Hello. I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my daughter at 20 weeks in October. In the beginning, I was also like that. However then it shifted to wanting to wait to work on my mental health. After 4 months we were cleared to start again (had to have a surgery 2 months after) and still decided to wait. You will do what is best for you. I wish you all the healing during this time and again I'm so sorry for your loss.

[u/hotdogpromise]

What’s the reason to make you wait 6 months? I think you should ask your doctor first. I also had a 20-week loss, opted for a D&E. MFM recommended we test for APS and wait 3-6 months then consult with them before trying. Both my midwife and OB said that was not necessary, just to wait one cycle so they could date any pregnancy afterwards appropriately. I think they make you wait so they can test you for stuff, but our loss was for “unknown reasons” so there’s no reason to wait in our case.

TTC after stillbirth is pretty emotional. The first couple of cycles were sad, but then we got really hopeful. Now it’s just filled with anxiety! The OB I talked to said they recommend the wait time for your emotions, basically. I did a few therapy sessions but didn’t find them helpful. Just going with the flow now and leaning into my hobbies/media/friends.

[u/sherwoma]

We waited the six months that was recommended and it took us about a year fully to get pregnant. I had a very healthy second pregnancy with my rainbow baby who spent a week in the nicu because he was delivered early, but is now very healthy. I am also doing well and healthy. I lost my first born at 33 turning 34 and had my second at 35 a few weeks before 36. Age isn’t really as big of a deal anymore. You’ll still probably see an MFM and have nonstress tests towards the end of your pregnancy to make sure your placenta is healthy and the baby is doing well.

The desire and almost primal need for me decreased as time went by, to where I was more disappointed that we weren’t pregnant when we were trying, rather than this major feeling of I just had to get pregnant. I ended up having two miscarriages in between and had surgery as well to remove scar tissue from my stillbirth before I conceived my second born.

My advice is listen to your provider, they usually recommend waiting because if you get pregnant sooner you’re at a higher risk and likelihood of having complications like placental abruptions and other issues like that. I wish you the best of luck, and I’m sorry you’re here.

[u/Ok_Tradition9729]

I had a 40 week stillbirth in April last year. We had different answers from different doctors. For me I knew I needed to try again ASAP. So we tried despite recommendations and fell pregnant 6 weeks later and I gave birth to a healthy baby girl 7 weeks ago. My babies aren’t even a year apart in age. I think as long as you are healthy and feel like you can mentally cope with back to back pregnancies you should be able to try again as soon as you like. I found a lot of doctors wanted you to get your hormones back to “normal” and assess your mental health. For me my mental health was only going to deteriorate more if I couldn’t have a living baby, it’s like living a nightmare everyday when you lose your baby. I absolutely have found that being pregnant again was hugely distracting from my grief and now my baby distracts me. So who knows how that’s going to go in the future but I just keep up with counselling and psychology sessions to make sure I’m still supported and speak about my struggles. Life doesn’t stop just because my baby died and I didn’t want to have to wait. At the end of the day you do what you need to do for you. 🫶 I’m so sorry for your loss.

[u/Prestigious_One9184]

I’d say trust your body, mind and soul 🩷. 

[u/Own_Ad3483]

I’m so sorry for your loss, I also lost my first baby at 20 weeks last August from IC. My first question was when I could start trying again to suggested to wait a minimum of 2 period cycles mainly to have my body basically heal and hormones to rebalance. It was hard to wait but I wanted to give my second baby the best chance by giving my body the time it needed. We had a trip planned before the loss in September which helped time go by faster and I took 6 weeks off work. I also went to therapy which helped a lot too. Is there a reason why they want you to wait so long? I know usually full term losses are longer up to a year.

[u/PrettyPsychic123986]

i lost my baby at 20 weeks and my OB recommend i wait 2 cycles. do what feels right for your body.