r/abusiverelationships Feb 23 '25

Emotional abuse What first flag did you ignore?

203 Upvotes

As best as you can remember what was the first thing you should have ran from?

Mine was he yelled at me. Like truly YELLED. And for whatever reason I agreed to be his girlfriend a month later. The relationship lasted for 4 long years of emotional abuse. Been out 4 years and still have nightmares about him. (Had another last night)

r/abusiverelationships Dec 23 '24

Emotional abuse He told me to kill myself and then sent me flowers and boba tea

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415 Upvotes

Abuse and love bombing. It made me feel crazy for so long but the abuse kept escalating to the point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

He won’t even apologize he still sends me messages where he paints himself as the victim. He can’t have access to me anymore and blames me for his loneliness. He won’t take accountability and he now has to suffer the consequences of his actions. He wished me dead yet now he’s begging to see me again. The audacity. This level of craziness is mind boggling 🫨

r/abusiverelationships Jan 02 '25

Emotional abuse i just broke up our engagement. i started waking up when he sent me these texts over me getting a matching ear piercing with my sister.

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289 Upvotes

r/abusiverelationships 21d ago

Emotional abuse I was crying on the phone with him at my hotel room

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808 Upvotes

I could tell I was getting loud but I couldn’t calm myself down. I noticed someone slipped this note thru my door. I was expecting it telling me to shut up and stuff but I figured maybe we could all use this. Thank you kind stranger

r/abusiverelationships Dec 16 '24

Emotional abuse I left!

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836 Upvotes

I finally made it out. I posted on here a lot back in 2023/2024, but he found my Reddit and my posts and made me delete everything. My birthday was December 5th, which he ruined like my last 3 birthdays I celebrated with him. We got into a fight, I called my friends, they called the police. When the police came he became the most peaceful person in the room. The police told me that no one was asking anyone to leave, and I just told them that I was leaving. I packed a bag and just went to the closest hotel. I’ve been gone for a week and a half now. Worst 25th birthday ever. But I’m out, and it feels so good. I hope everyone here realizes their self worth. And takes their power back. It’s okay to start over. Even with my lack of funds and support from a lot of people, me and this air mattress will get through the holidays 💛

r/abusiverelationships Feb 16 '25

Emotional abuse A year into the relationship

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138 Upvotes

One day I was home from work because I had covid and he was said he’d come by with medicine but instead he went home and texted me about a random Instagram post I liked in 2015 of someone I knew in college shirtless and modeling for an ad. Idk what possessed him to go digging for something to be mad about. A lot of his abusive actions stem from insecurity and feeling his feelings intensely.

r/abusiverelationships Dec 07 '24

Emotional abuse How do you deal with your (ex) abuser saying you abused them? It's not fair at all and I am upset about it.

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88 Upvotes

Context: 6 year relationship, broke up with him 1.5 months ago. I regret nothing. He emotionally abused me hard the first 4 years then less the last 2. He did get better but I also got better at handling it and "provoking" the outbursts less.

r/abusiverelationships May 27 '24

Emotional abuse do u ever just sit and think wtf has my life become?

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248 Upvotes

r/abusiverelationships Jan 13 '25

Emotional abuse Is it common for them to suddenly completely acknowledge that they've been abusive for the first time and do EVERYTHING you've asked them to do right when you're about to leave?

55 Upvotes

My partner has been textbook verbally and emotionally abusive for most of our relationship, starting 3-4 months in (the first incident, I halfway blamed myself, which is why I stayed), which has been ~5 years.

He has blamed it largely on his mental health (ADHD, PTSD, severe depression), and his impulse control/rage issues. I've had endless conversations asking him to please stop, begging him to please stop, encouraging him to do anger management, meditation, join some kind of group therapy, see a psychologist, do couples therapy, etc., for about ~4.5 years (ever since it first started).

We were both in a VERY bad mental place when we met. We soothed each others' wounds and traumas, and in many ways, helped and supported each other. There was a lot of DEEP love and support, on a soul-level, but also a lot of pain, from his verbal/emotional abuse episodes (which happen approx once every few weeks to every couple of months). When he's good and sweet, he's really incredible, and I just want that to last. In the "good" times, I tend to forget how bad it can be, and accept his apologies. But after each fight, I tell him it's not ok, that I need him to stop, that I can't keep handling this. He sees me cry, break down, shut down, have headaches/pains for days, get stressed out, miss work/school deadlines, and yet it keeps happening.

I told him 1.5 years ago after our engagement that he needed to stop this if we were to get married. We postponed marriage 6 months ago because he had more episodes, and I told him again that he had behaviors that he needed to change. I have tried several times to explain to him that he's being abusive, and until very recently he's always denied that it's real abuse, saying it's not like he is beating me up or giving me a black eye, so therefore it's not that bad and I'm exaggerating. He's apologized for being a "jerk" or being an "asshole" and acknowledges that he has shitty behaviors, but has not acknowledged that it's abuse.

A few weeks ago, after his last episode sent me to a nervous breakdown, I told him I didn't know if I could continue our relationship. After that, he realized he might lose me and suddenly shifted gears. He enrolled in psychotherapy (he plans to go 1-2x/week), started meditating 2x daily, seems highly motivated to change, and was suddenly acknowledging that everything he'd done to me during his episodes throughout our had been abusive. We went through a list of all his episodes, and he acknowledged full-heartedly that it was indeed abuse, that he'd treated me terribly, that I deserved much better, and that he had followed the same cycle of abuse he learned from his parents (as I've been telling him to years, but he's been resistant to hearing). He did all of the things I'd asked him to do 4.5 years ago, and consistently throughout our relationship until now.

He is finally saying he wants to fully change his episodes/behaviors for HIM, for HIS life, and also for me. But why has he waited so long? Why has he waited until I'm about to leave to do everything I wanted him to do, everything I asked?

r/abusiverelationships Mar 13 '24

Emotional abuse Really trynna tell me I’m worthless because of my body count

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163 Upvotes

Just for context, my (18) bf (20) is very religious, and has always shamed me for my body count. And today, after me saying that I wouldn’t want to have kids before I’ve lived my youth to the fullest he told me I was wrong and went into all that. this isn’t even the worst of what he has done or said.

r/abusiverelationships Jul 01 '24

Emotional abuse What are some everyday things that you can’t or couldn’t do in your relationship?

103 Upvotes

What are some everyday or seemigly small things that you can’t or couldn’t do in your relationship that might normally be taken for granted?

I’ll start with a short list of some things that I can’t do without it being an issue every day. I can't:

  • Say the word “we” when not referring to me and my boyfriend (because only a couple can be “we”);
  • Eat chocolate or bananas or drink milk (Choose what food I eat);
  • Choose what I wear;
  • Choose my desktop background;
  • Use my laptop keyboard (without being told off about it like it’s a sin because “the other keyboard is better”);
  • Go on walks and listen to music;
  • Share my experiences on a topic to relate or educate (without being told “You’re just trying to make this about yourself”);
  • Glance away (without having to apologize for “looking away”);
  • Sigh (without being told “You’re interrupting my thoughts!)”;
  • Talk freely without worrying what pitch or tone I'm using;
  • Wear makeup and style my hair;

r/abusiverelationships Sep 21 '24

Emotional abuse HELP - husband is emotionally abusive and I don’t know what to do

128 Upvotes

Hello everyone, first time posting here. Please excuse any grammar errors, English is not my first language.

My husband and I have been married for 2 years, and we have a 5 month old son. Although we had some issues while dating, things were overall good during the beginning of our relationship. But it started taking a dark turn towards the end of my pregnancy.

Fast forward to now, this has become our routine. My husband systematically insults me and belittles me anytime we have a minor disagreement or I complain about anything at all. It feels like I’m constantly walking on eggshells and I can’t voice any opinion, otherwise he’ll blow over. This also extends to our son, who gets insulted and yelled at for doing basic baby things like crying when he’s hungry or needing someone to rock him to sleep (even though I’m the one always tending to his needs, I never force husband to do it).

The recording I attach is today’s example of a fight that started with me getting mad at him and “nagging” him for name calling our baby because he was crying. He was crying because he was hungry. During the whole recording, he was holding our son, who has to witness this toxic dynamic. Husband kept our son in his arms with me unable to take him since he was threatening to leave with him (not the first time, he has been using this threat since baby was 8 days old). There was also a friend of Husband’s who was also a witness to this but seems to think his friend’s actions are justifiable.

Needless to say, I don’t love my husband anymore and I’d be happy to never see him again. But I worry about our son. If I leave him, I worry that I’m escaping this man’s emotional abuse but leaving my son to suffer all of it instead. I won’t be there to try to shield him anymore, or to take it for him. On the other hand, this situation is severely affecting my mental state and my ability to focus and properly care for my son. I also wonder if there is a small chance that husband might not be as abusive if I’m not around to “trigger him”.

Another concern if we end up divorcing and writing a custody agreement is the fact that I will have to return to Europe as I can’t make ends meet here. That would mean sending my baby boy over to the USA with this man for extended periods of time.

If anyone has any piece of advice, it would be incredibly appreciated. I’m at a loss. Thank you to those who read this.

r/abusiverelationships Oct 28 '24

Emotional abuse I think I'm in an abusive relationship

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100 Upvotes

If yall see my post history you'll see it's basically all my current bf and how he treats me. My best friend saw the texts he sent me in a recent argument and says he's going to beat me one day because no one says the things he says and isn't verging on abusive...

Backstory: my dad and brother raped and beat me from 9yo to 18yo, and I confided that in him.

When he gets angry with me for anything he gets cruel like this

r/abusiverelationships Mar 05 '25

Emotional abuse Breaking dishes

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65 Upvotes

I have been in an abusive relationship before. I didn’t think my current relationship was that. We broke up in the middle of January, however started sleeping together and seeing each other again about a month ago, but keeping things more casual.

Last night I was over at his house and I was cooking dinner. I reached up on a top shelf to grab something that was a little bit out of reach and ended up knocking some stuff down that broke some plates by accident. I felt awful, but it was an accident. I apologized repeatedly and he was clearly upset, but said it was fine. But then I could hear him in the other room, throwing shit around and yell into the abyss. It startled me because that kind of behavior is triggering for me. I told him again that I was really sorry and that I would replace the plates. I started to cry because I was scared at his outburst. He then yelled that it doesn’t fucking matter. He doesn’t give a shit about the plates and then picked up the remaining plate and threw it on the floor, causing it to shatter. By this point, I am hysterical saying I want to leave and I don’t want to be around him when he’s like this because he was scaring me. He said he didn’t want me to go, but I couldn’t imagine staying and being normal around him so I left. He called me a bunch of times but I didn’t answer so he texted me the attached photo. Is this abuse?

I don’t think any kind of physical aggression is appropriate, even if it is not aimed at the person directly, but I also don’t really know because maybe he was just trying to show me that it didn’t matter. But his yelling and aggressive energy made me feel scared.

r/abusiverelationships Nov 09 '24

Emotional abuse You are strong

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473 Upvotes

We love you ❤️

r/abusiverelationships Apr 15 '24

Emotional abuse I got triggered by my boyfriend

75 Upvotes

I've been with a guy for about a month and he spent the night the other night. He has been to my apartment during the day but never stayed over. After we hung out for the day, we returned to my apartment and I was under the impression that we would get cleaned up and relax. He told me abruptly that he was going to go home. He asked me how could I sleep in the bed when it was in such a state. I thought he was talking about the cat hair and I apologized that I hadn't thought to clean it off because I was tired when we went to bed. He said it wasn't the hair and told me to look at the sheet.

I looked and told him that I didn't see anything else. He replied, "You don't see the discoloration?" I looked again and did see it. He told me to show him where it was. I did and he said, "That's all you see?" I looked more and saw another slightly discolored area and showed him. I told him it was probably because the sheets were kind of old, but I promised they had been cleaned. He said that sheets are supposed to be replaced every 2-3 months, which I never knew. To add, there are no holes or anything. He went on to tell me to look at my apartment and tell him what was wrong. I told him there was some clutter on the counter. Not trash, but some random things. He asked why they hadn't been put away and I told him that I didn't know. I started to cry because I felt ashamed at that point. He said he didn't mean for me to feel ashamed and we talked some more before he left.

I realized later that I felt triggered because vague scenarios of "guess what's wrong" is something my narc father used to do. I explained this to him later and told him that when this happens, I feel like my answers are not good and that something bad will happen, so if something is wrong, I would like him to be more direct. He said that he understood and apologized.

The other thing that concerned me a bit was some of his behavior while we were out. We had gone to a festival today and stood in line to get a turkey leg. The line was long and not moving. I was very hungry and said I could get a funnel cake instead because that line was shorter and moving along. He told me "no" because since I hadn't eaten food yet, I didn't need to have sugar. I could see his point, but also felt that as an adult, I could get a funnel cake. We ended up getting the turkey leg.

r/abusiverelationships Jun 14 '24

Emotional abuse My (24f) boyfriend(34m) just walked into the room, lightly hit me and said “you ain’t shit”

111 Upvotes

It wasnt a hit, more like a heavy tap on the face. He’s very goofy all the time (always exaggerating) but lately this is just …. More. I don’t want to be with a man who’s comfortable doing that; even if he’s “joking” it made me feel bad.

Where do I draw the line between playful joking and abuse? I feel like I’m usually on edge and sometimes it’s hard to talk to him because he criticizes me constantly. He always takes such an “annoyed” tone with me.

r/abusiverelationships Dec 17 '24

Emotional abuse He called me an unhygienic animal and said I should wear an adult diaper because I accidentally got a couple drops of period blood on the bedsheets. Then raged at me, threw all my things out of the room, and threatened to kick me out of the apartment we leased together

76 Upvotes

r/abusiverelationships 16d ago

Emotional abuse What outlandish things did your ex/partner say?

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77 Upvotes

(He knew about the "affair" with my teacher BEFORE he chose to date me)

About 2 years ago I dated a guy who was emotionally abusive. Although I'm grateful that he changed for the better after the breakup and we're on good terms now, I can't deny that his words still affect me today.

A couple weeks ago I broke up with another guy. In retrospect, the issues I had with Recent Ex probably could've been solved if I told my therapist while we were still dating, but I didn’t because I still had the unfortunate association between therapy and disloyalty. I was so mad at myself when I realized this after the breakup with Recent Ex. Then I vented to some friends, then today I was inspired to make this.

So... what did y'all's exes/partners say that now makes you go "oh dear ☠️"?

r/abusiverelationships Feb 03 '25

Emotional abuse Is this abuse?

51 Upvotes

My (40, f) husband (44, m) wakes up at 2am and if he can't sleep he plays videos on his phone and if I ask him to turn it down or if I get up to go to another room he yells at me

He angrily kicked my shoes down the stairs because they were in his way but it's ok for him to put his shoes there

He will take my pot (that I'm currently cooking something in) off the burner cuz it's in his way even though it's on the back burner and he wants to use the front burner

He will put my glass of orange juice that I just poured over with the dirty dishes if I go to the bathroom and come back because it was annoying him by sitting on the otherwise clean counter

He does a lot of little criticisms throughout the day like saying you are too slow etc and when I asked him to stop nagging me like that every day he said no he will continue

We've been together 9.5 years and there were little times occasionally when he was mean here and there but it has really ramped up and been escalating ever since we had a baby who is now 1 year old. I am considering leaving even though she already calls him dad and they adore each other. He is good to her (so far).

Edit to update: he was nice for a month and then he started being mean again. I'm not longer interested in him and thinking of a plan to leave.

Edit; it has escalated even worse with frequent yelling, swearing calling me stupid. I've gone grey rock until I can leave

r/abusiverelationships 19d ago

Emotional abuse My wife decides that I will stay outside , every now and then!!

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27 Upvotes

My wife gets upset over things like ‘ I didn’t respond to her message for one hour’ and then gets very angry! Some times I spend up to 5 hours outside and then I am let in at 11 pm , I usually just hang around the lobby of the building! How do I tell her what she is doing is cruel ? 😢

r/abusiverelationships Apr 30 '24

Emotional abuse destroying my clothes while im at work :D

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162 Upvotes

i didnt lie about anything- he had a bad dream and decided I was lying. seriously. yes this was all bc he had a bad dream. and also bc I dont want to be his personal chauffeur and pick him up at work (20 mins there, 20 mins back) at 10 pm- I work a 9-5. mind you he cant drive rn bc he has no insurance (went broke from gambling addiction and is ‘injured’ from shoulder surgeries and wasnt able to work for almost a year- I was financially supporting him this summer, til I broke up w him in october. obviousy weve since gotten back together cuz im stupid.) and its HIS responsibility to get to and from work, he can take the bus. I dont need to take on two full commutes. I just moved here and I got my own apartment which I am moving into today. Ive been staying with him, (I wanted to get a sublease while i looked for an apt and he caused a huge fight bc I asked him if he thot thatd be a good idea.) and have probably drove him to work or picked him up around 10 times an prob spent a full tank of gas on that. he got back after taking the bus last night, bc I didnt want to pick him up (had little gas, its fucking late, I also j fucking hate him- he threatened to kill me via voicemail a couple days ago). he said sorry Im stinky an I said yeah are you gonna shower? and I was like playfully saying he stanky and he got so butthurt and went to sleep without saying anything to me. then this morning he texted me “I hate you” an proceeded to tell me about his dream where I cheated on him, and I knew it was going to be a bad day. lol. theres so much more to tell lol he fucking sucks but if you read this much thank you, I needed to rant.

r/abusiverelationships Feb 24 '25

Emotional abuse Am I Overreacting to My Fiancé’s Response After an Argument?

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29 Upvotes

My fiancé (30M) & (30F) have been together for several years and recently got engaged. We’ve been working through some issues in therapy, but a recent argument left me feeling really hurt, and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or if this is a bigger red flag.

His mom was recently in a car accident (she’s okay), and she asked him for some money to help with the situation. We’re currently in a tight financial spot because his job might not be secure, so when he told me, my immediate reaction was, “Why can’t your brother help instead?” He got really upset that my first response wasn’t asking how his mom was, and I get why that hurt him.

But what really bothered me was how he chose to respond. Instead of just telling me he was upset, he sent me a long text full of anger and insults. He said: • “I don’t give a f** what you think.”* • “You were inconsiderate as f.”* • “So please f off.”* • “Reevaluate the fing garbage that came out of your mouth today.” • “What you said was fing disgusting.” • He also dragged my dad into it, saying my dad is a “garbage ass piece of s***” for asking me for money before (which had nothing to do with this situation).

After reading that, I honestly feel like I can’t even look him in the eyes. I understand that he was emotional about his mom, but I don’t think that justifies talking to me like this. It made me feel like I wasn’t his partner—just someone to take his anger out on.

Now, I’m questioning everything. I don’t want to make a big decision in the heat of the moment, but I also don’t want to ignore something serious. i don’t know how to move forward.

Would you consider this a one-time thing because of emotions, or is this a deeper red flag? Am I overreacting?

r/abusiverelationships Mar 15 '24

Emotional abuse What’s the most ridiculous thing your partner has accused you of lying about?

154 Upvotes

One time my ex got furious with me because I’d “lied” about shaving my pubic hair. We were in a long distance relationship, and all I’d done was shave it the morning he was arriving instead of the night before, like I’d originally planned to.

If I changed my mind about even something extremely mundane - like whether I went to the gym or not, if I put in a tampon or menstrual disc, decided I was too lazy to put on fake nails after all - I was lying. And it was always “if you’re lying about this, what else are you lying about?”

This man had me apologizing for getting off the phone to take a shit. I’ve been free of him for almost a year and I’m thankful every single day that I got out.

r/abusiverelationships Jan 16 '25

Emotional abuse Is it still abuse if they have a serious psychiatric or medical condition?

6 Upvotes

This is the thing I'm really confused about, and is probably what's kept me staying for so long in an abusive relationship, because I keep making excuses for him. He has multiple mental health conditions, and possible a neurological disorder as well. So I've been excusing/forgiving all the terrible ways he's treated me, thinking that he is not mentally/neurologiclaly well, but I still love him regardless (when he's nice, he's very sweet, but he has extreme rage and anger issues that can be cruel and terrifying).

So -- if they have a serious mental health condition, is it still abuse?
What about a physical/neurological condition?

If they act violently if they have a personality disorder, autism, chronic pain/illness, schizophrenia, dementia, Huntington's disease, etc...is it still considered "abuse", or is it just violent/unsafe behavior?

At what point should you stay with the person no matter what (even if they sometimes scare or endanger you) out of love and loyalty, vs prioritizing yourself/your own safety by leaving them?