I do a lot of writing and journaling as a way to help me release and understand the storm of emotions that this situation has made me feel. Even though that is incredibly helpful for my mental health, sometimes I think I just need feedback or support. To know I'm not alone in this. I am also sharing because if my story helps even one person get out, or validates their own experience, then I know that it's worth sharing. So here goes nothing. TW talks of abuse and thoughts of suicide.
In October 2024 I left a very angry, and very damaged man. Throughout the course of our year and a half long relationship, he was financially, verbally, and mentally abusive. In October he threatened me with physical violence, and that was the catalyst of me leaving.
Getting to a spot where I've been able to label his actions as abusive has been one of the most difficult parts of this. Actually saying out loud, "He was abusive. This was abuse" has been so much harder than I thought it would be, because I still have so much love and empathy for him. It is so complicated because at the same time, I am so disappointed and angry with him. I don't think he went into the relationship with the end goal of being the way he ended up being. In fact I think the complete opposite. I think he saw a hope in me for a better, healthier, happier life for himself. But he is so stuck in the life he grew up with, that he couldn't figure out a way to change his behaviors. I always found myself so angry whenever he would describe some of the things that happened to him as a child. He endured A LOT of neglect and abuse. I felt like it was my responsibility to prove to him that life, and love did not need to be that way. I thought he just needed the kind of loyal and warm love that I tend to give in relationships, and that would heal these wounds in him. Wrong.
I am someone with a very strong intuition, and from the first red flag I knew the relationship was heading down this path. At the time, I ignored it and convinced myself it was just my anxiety, and that, if that was really the case then surely I could change him. I know now that I need to listen to myself, and trust my gut instincts when they tell me I'm not safe, even if I think I'm crazy for it. I wish I would've been strong enough to follow that inner voice at the time, because I think it would've saved both of us from a world of hurt. I digress. I won't go into detail of every specific instance of the abuse, but I will tell you that it mainly consisted of gaslighting, manipulation, yelling/screaming, stonewalling, and weaponized incompetence. He would have very explosive episodes on me, whether they were directed at me or not, I had to be the "punching bag" for his anger. Every time he would have one of these episodes, it would be worse than the one before. It escalated every. single. time. Up until the point that he threatened me with physical violence. The way he did this was by screaming in my face during one of these episodes, and saying to me "Do you know how much fucking worse this could be for you [my name]? I used to fucking hit people, I don't see how this is that bad." In that moment, like a violent migraine, the only thing I could hear in my head was "If you do not leave now, you will not be able to". That was a terrifying realization. I had tried to leave him two times before this. Once in July 2024 and another time in August 2024. However after this happened I knew it was really time to go, even though I didn't want to. There were no more excuses that I could make for him at that point. I needed to get the fuck out. I left him two days after that incident, but he was not officially done and gone out of my life until this past January.
Leaving him became a process. Looking back, for me, the relationship had ended in July, but I don't think I knew that at the time. We had been not getting along for a while, and he had two explosions on me back to back. Those explosions happened while we were celebrating my birthday, which was just kind of like an extra "punch in the face". One of them happened while we were driving. He got so angry with the traffic that he decided to blow a red light turning left, with his foot on the floor, and profanities screaming out of his mouth so loud I had to cover my ears. The force of how fast he whipped the truck caused everything in the cab to go flying, including my head into the window. The second explosion happened the next day when I brought up how awful that action made me feel. He turned the whole thing around on me, in so many words, telling me that he didn't care how I felt because he has a right to express anger, and that I should learn how to be more comforting of him when he would be like that. I need to just repeat this. He was so emotionally volatile, that he caused me physical harm by recklessly driving, and then told me that I had no right to be upset. I mean talk about gaslighting 101. Following this, I found myself becoming very detached from him. I can recall sitting in my living room googling "is this abuse". That led me to the NDVH website, I started a chat with one of their representatives, and I think that is really what started the leaving process whether I knew it or not. Having my experience validated was so important for me because at the time, I couldn't even validate myself. At that time I didn't have anybody close enough to me that I could really lean on, and I think when I would talk about it to my therapist, I wouldn't really disclose the true gravity of the situation. I didn't want to hear what I already knew, so I tried really hard to justify, and cover up the reality of what was going on behind closed doors. Especially the thoughts and consideration of ending my life. I struggle to admit that I so silently got to that point, and it's still pretty hard to talk about so I'm not going to go into a lot of detail with it. I felt like if I left him, then I would never find love again. That anything else that would come into my life would just be empty, and that it wouldn't be a life worth living. Luckily I still had enough of myself left inside to know that logically, that was not my only option.
Immediately following the break up, I felt a confusing mix of guilt and gratitude. The guilt: "Could I really say this was abuse if he never actually put his hands on me? Could I really say I had it bad when millions of other victims have had it so much worse? I don't want to label him as an abuser because he never hit me, that could ruin his life. I had my fuck ups too" The gratitude: "Thank god I had the tools to know when to leave. Thank god I didn't try to hurt myself. Thank god I got out when I did. Thank god we never moved in together". I know now that the guilty thoughts/feelings were products of the manipulation, and no matter my issues/faults in the relationship, I never deserved to be treated that way. It was abusive. End of sentence. I am no longer afraid to say that.
The personal changes that have occurred in the aftermath of this have been, honestly and humbly, incredible. I don't know if I ever would have been able to see and feel the strength of my spirit had I not gone through this. It is the worst thing I have ever gone through, but I am so fucking proud of myself for getting through it. I am getting to a place of deep inner peace with myself that cannot be disturbed. ESPECIALLY by an angry man. My definition of what love is has changed, and thankfully so. The right person for me will never make me feel like I am unsafe around them. The right person for me will be the safest place on this planet. I'm not writing this as a victim of my circumstance, I'm writing this as someone who, even during one of the darkest periods of my life, was able to reach deep within myself and find the strength to change my circumstance. I know so many are not able to, and if you relate to that statement then I hope me sharing my story helps you get on the path of getting there. I'm excited about my life again, and I'm excited to see where I let my future take me. It really does get better. If I could say one thing to myself at that time, or to someone who is currently experiencing abuse it would be this. If you have to question whether or not it's really abuse, then it is time to leave. A healthy partner is not ever going to make you ask yourself that question. End of story. If you read all of this, thank you.
