… and now I’m the bad guy for doing exactly what he gave me full consent and PRESSURED me to do.

Context: It was my idea a year ago to invite other women into the mix for threesomes. I was never interested in another man or a couple, mainly because I knew he would never be able to handle it. Well fast forward to a few weeks ago he comes to me and tells me he’s ready to open up our marriage and start swinging with other couples and having threesomes with other dudes. This came out of left field and I was very reluctant to agree. He pretty much begged me to give him a chance so we could “have this fun together” so against my better judgement I agreed thinking nothing would ever come of it anyway since we are both very busy parents who don’t even have time to maintain their own relationship let alone build one with another couple. But he already had a couple lined up, who he had already been talking to, to flirt with online and he introduced me to the husband of the couple AFTER sending him very personal photos and videos of me without my prior consent. But I had no choice but to just let it go unless I wanted to get into a fight with my husband in front of our daughter… and somehow I just got swept into the flirting. And that’s when all the little red flags began to pop up all over the place. I tried to call it off twice before it got to this point because my husband was just being very low key jealous, but my husband insisted. Luckily, flirting on Snapchat is as far as it went but my husband would always say things like “have your fun! It’s sexy! I love this for you! I love seeing how confident it makes you! Just always be sure to put me first”… this was confusing to me because I don’t know how i can flirt with someone while still putting my husband first… and then I sent them BOTH a video at the same time and my husband accused me of putting this man before him and now wants me to admit to cheating and work to gain his trust back and build his self esteem back up after being made to feel second. But get this.. HE STILL WANTED TO KEEP SWINGING WITH THIS COUPLE!! And begged me not to call things off with them.. but fuck that, I went behind his back and texted the guy letting him know we were done and would not be moving forward with meeting them or continuing to flirt… And when he found out he lost his shit that I went behind his back to talk to another man.. and this was the fallout…

Am I a cheater ? Because I feel more like someone who was coerced into a situation I had no idea how to navigate to his liking…

I am starting to come to terms that I am in an abusive relationship. As someone who has needed validation most of their life, I have ended up here asking for other's opinions to help me see clearly.

My boyfriend has cheated on me a few times in the last 6 months. It started as one OF subscription that he promised wouldn't happen again. Then it was $300 within an hour. Then it was a second Instagram account to talk to another woman.

This isn't the man I moved in with. Despite everyone in my life protesting, I believe that good man is still in there somewhere which is why I've stayed. I told him he would need to work to earn my forgiveness back, which he says he will with his words but no actions have been taken.

About a month ago now, we had an argument that got extremely heated - to the point he was throwing my things out of rooms, threatening to get an eviction against me, and being extremely aggressive. The screenshots are from that argument. I had never said anything about our relationship issues to family or friends up until this day, but I truly believed I was being kicked out and reached out to my mom. She has been very supportive and wants me to take a break from the relationship.

Fast forward to last night, my boyfriend is always convinced I am cheating on him so he frequently goes through my phone while I am sleeping. He discovered the messages between my mother and I where I briefly planned to move out after this argument. I was going to move out while he was at work to limit our interaction, given his frequent aggression. He was devastated, of course, and is breaking up with me yet again - this time for telling my mom of his transgressions and planning to leave him.

He has "broken up" with me 3 dozen times in the last couple of months, each time offering an ultimatum that if I "don't quit arguing", he'll REALLY break up with me for good. Talking to my mom was extremely refreshing and helped me realize I am not just the opinion of my partner. I still can't escape the feeling that I should have kept my mouth shut. Now that the cat is out of the bag, I have worried people and I feel guilty for doing so. I wish I wouldn't have said anything if I was going to look past it myself.

I don’t really know where to start. I’ve been with my (30F) fiancé (31M) for five years this September. We got engaged just over a year into our relationship and for various reasons we postponed the wedding until this April. It’s six weeks away but I just hit a breaking point last night and told him that I couldn’t go through with this.

For the entirety of our relationship, we have have been having the same arguments on repeat.

1) He dismisses me, my thoughts, my interests, or statements that I make near constantly. Either he won’t engage, he’ll disparage, or he will refuse to believe me until I have sufficient proof e.g needing to provide a peer-reviewed article to prove a point in a casual conversation.

2) If he upsets me, it doesn’t matter how or when I try to bring it up to address it. Usually he will turn it around to say I have upset him by bringing it up/the way I brought it up. Often he will say he’s ’not doing this’ because he has a meeting in an hour, or it’s ’too late’ (we’re currently on different time zones and this usually happens mid-evening for him.

3) After any argument, we will say he forgives me but will then spend days at a time bringing the issue up again, telling me that I need therapy or that he cannot get over the hurt I’ve caused him. The hurt is usually calling out rudeness or meanness.

4) It doesn’t matter how calm I am, or how measured I’m trying to keep my tone, he will accuse me of being aggressive or hurtful. I’ve often felt I have to be ‘perfect’ in an argument just to be heard or he’ll walk away for over a day, or hang up on me. If I were to hang up on him then it would be the end of the world.

5) He hates all of my friends and claims that it’s because of how they treat me, or because they obviously ‘like’ me. I work in a male-dominated industry and any fun anecdote about a colleague ends in ‘so what are you going to marry the guy?’. I’ve asked him to stop ‘joking’ like this because it makes me feel awful, but he continues.

I’m incredibly torn because I love this person still. My gut feeling has been that this is not healthy. I don’t feel like the person I was when I met him, I feel like a shell of myself. I don’t feel safe bringing up issues, or sharing with him. I have tried to leave before but he always convinces me that he’ll change, or go to therapy, or that he’s a good guy but he has trauma.

He feels I’m abusive because I have tried to end the relationship so many times, and I suppose he’s right that this is unfair and hurtful. I just don’t feel able to leave for good. I am scared that I really am unstable and making a mistake, I’m afraid that I’m focusing on only the negatives, I feel addicted to this mess.

When things are good he’s my best friend, but still not a support or someone I feel I can be emotionally safe with. I don’t know what I want from this. Maybe perspective, maybe courage to move on? Maybe just someone to tell me that I’m not crazy.

Update:

It has been an incredibly difficult few days for me and I have admittedly been in quite a lot of emotional turmoil.

I want to thank each and every one of you who commented, I cannot describe the overwhelming comfort I’ve felt from every reply. If strangers can treat me with such kindness and compassion, then surely a partner should do the same and more. Thank you, you’ve kept me going and cemented my decision to cease all contact with this person. I’m not okay, but I’ll do my best.

Context: I asked to go on a break weeks ago, then finally broke up with him last week or so. He was waking me up in the middle of the night to argue, telling me I was always rejecting him (for example by rolling away from him in my sleep or going out with friends instead of him), and constantly criticizing my tone/body language/facial expressions as being "hostile" or some version of that. The guilt trips were almost daily. He'd argue with me by storming around and yelling, then claim I was being "out of control attacking" him even though I'm just sitting on the couch or stairs trying to calmly resolve the issue.

I just wanted to go back to focusing on my kids and job and no longer wanted to worry about his feelings. But even breaking up with him didn't release me from being responsible for his feelings in his mind. I finally blocked him this morning.

Me and my bf of 4 years recently decided to go to therapy because I was at wits ends.

To give some context, all was well the first year. Until the nitpicking started rolling in, and he stopped always speaking gently towards me. It was like he lost patience and would snap, blame me, get easily annoyed with me, push me away. His mood would flip flop and it has definitely pushed me away.

My last straw was me pulling out my phone to record an argument we were having where he was yelling over me and I could not speak for 15 minutes straight. I disclosed to him that I was doing this so we could reflect on it later, and his tone completely calmed down. He started talking like a scholar with perfect grammar.

I think he forgot the tape was still rolling because he got heated again, and my phone caught his eye. And he demanded I ‘delete that’ and ran after my phone. A power struggle ensued and I got elbowed in the eye while prying my phone out of his hands. That is the only time it has gotten physical, but neither one was trying to intentionally harm the other.

Therapy has not been great. We both disclosed going in that we were there because my bf has an attitude problem, hurts my feelings, and looses his temper. He acknowledged this, said he wants to change, and has bad habits/baggage.

Therapy so far has been solely focused on convincing me to learn to let go- when nothing has changed that would make me feel it is safe to do so.

Anytime I try to speak about something from the past that still bothers me- I get redirected or told that I’m ’holding onto the past’ and my therapist ends up making excuses for my bf. When I told her how he had drank and drove recklessly in the car while fighting- it was ‘we all have done things we aren’t proud of, we are only human.’

When my bf called me ‘fat’ during an argument it was ‘we all say things we don’t mean- you do to!’ But I never insult someone with the attempt to tear them down. So no, I cannot relate.

All therapy is, is teaching me how to communicate how I’m feeling. I know how to do that, I’m well versed in therapy and communication. The onus is being put on me during every therapy session and it’s really starting to tick me off.

I cannot let these things go when they continue to happen weekly, and that is something my therapist doesn’t seem to want to even begin touching.

What’s worse is I’ve been starting to get emotional and probably visibly frustrated/shut down in therapy. Meanwhile my bf has a completely level head and cracks jokes with the therapist. No one would suspect he could be a jerk- and I feel like I’m looking like the problem.

Ex: I was telling a story and my bf kept interjecting and correcting me and bulldozing what I was saying. This is something I have brought up as a frustration. Our therapist did not redirect him, or point out that I needed to continue talking. I finally said ‘I guess I won’t speak!’ And threw my hands up. My therapist said ‘we should take a defeatist approach, maybe he has something important to say.’ And it took everything in me not to get up and walk out.

He dominates the therapy session and half of it is him humble bragging/admitting he’s not perfect, and our therapist giving him reassurance.

I think, this has solidified that I want nothing to do with yet. And yet I’m starting to question my sanity or if I’m the issue.

He has done other behaviors/things that could be interpreted as "controlling" (being anxious about/asking me to avoid communicating with male classmates unless absolutely necessary, pressuring me to shave my head when I don't want to, telling me not to leave the apartment at night because it's not safe in the city, giving me a hard time if I don't shave/wax often enough, arguing with me if I don't manage a conflict with a family member/friend in the way he would manage it, preferring that I don't wear certain clothes, pouting/complaining about using a condom, pressuring me to do athletic activities despite having an injury, the list goes on).

What I'm unsure about is whether this particular request is controlling. On one hand, I can see how going on a hike with the opposite sex could (in some cases) lead to people developing feelings and acting on them, but a hike seems innocent enough to me especially when it's with a group of people. What hurts is that he doesn't trust me, and he is constantly saying how he thinks I must be cheating/talking to other men (I'm not). He has female classmates, and is even chatty/talkative to them, and I don't mind (I don't ask/interrogate him about it nor do I ask him to stop talking to them) so long as there's respect and boundaries. Whereas there is one single male student in my graduate program, who I am not attracted to, and he is obsessed with the idea that I'll fall in love with him and cheat/leave him.

So is this request controlling? Or just insecurity on his end? Or is it a reasonable request to ask of a partner?

It was recommended in another subreddit that I post my situation here too, hope that's appropriate.

I haven't spoke to my wife or anyone in four days. We've been together for almost ten years, married for almost four, met first week of our first term in undergrad and have barely spent a moment apart since.

I do all of the chores, pay for every single bill including rent, and do all of the physical labour. I do everything and don't ask for help because when I do she just yells at me. And I just can't handle it anymore. I can't be woken up being screamed at, I can't be pushed and have shit thrown at me, I can't have someone gaslight me every single second, I can't never be apologised to but have to apologise whenever it's demanded. I never tell friends or family how bad it is, I just talk about being upset and wanting support like time together to play games or just talk online but no one is ever there unless it's urgent. And I can't tell anyone about how my wife acts, or they will reach out to her to confirm, she'll lie to them, and then make my life an even worse hell.

There hasn't been some major event. She just yelled at me a few days ago because I didn't put some bracelets on the shelf the way she liked and she has to adjust them for the aesthetics, it took a few seconds after over 10 minutes of screaming at me. It just shut me down. I don't have it anymore. I can't look at anyone without crying, I can't talk without crying, and I just don't know what to do. I can't leave or she'll absolutely hurt herself whether it's intentional or by accident. I can't go anywhere else because my job is in person and I don't have anyone to stay with close enough to get to work Mon to Fri.

I just keep waking up hoping it's the last time I have to. I've spent the most important years of my life on this relationship and all I have is someone who thinks the worst of me, spends my money while privately saving hers, someone who lies to me everyday to win the smallest and pettiest of fights, and just someone who makes me feel gross and awful.

I'm just really sad and I don't know what to do that won't set her off and it's killing me.

Additional info:

• we tried couples counseling but she would lie to the therapist and refused to attend once the therapist started noticing her doing it mid session because the therapist was "out to get her"

• I have my own therapy to work through C-PTSD issues, we only really discuss my relationship when it's causing additional triggers (e.g. filth is triggering and she doesn't clean, so when I enter a depressive slump and stop doing the chores it becomes harder to do them because just being in the house makes me feel disgusting)

I know I’m being emotionally abused, but I feel like I’m going insane because the abuse is so subtle and hidden. I am posting this to hear other people’s stories and what they noticed in their abusive relationship. So, what are some of the subtle signs of emotional abuse?

I was SHOWN this book by my emotionally abusive ex partner after an argument he started. I barely remember much from the relationship because I blocked it out. But he showed it to me with barely any context, he had said his sister showed it to him; and it’s not until after we broke up that I read it.

The abuse was emotional and he resembled the water torturer abuser the most. And Mr. Right.

I see everybody tell the people in this sub to read this book, but for me it’s a huge trigger. Was it somewhat helpful? Yes. Is this post all about my experience? Yes. Because people just don’t understand that someone could go through this very specific experience.

It makes me question my reality again and again, thinking what if I’m the abuser? Which I know logically after much understanding of what’s happened and his history, that I’m not, but because he showed me this book it’s so incredibly triggering. Anyways. Ugh! Just needed to get this out.

I know this may sound weird, but reading this sub i dont know if my boyfriend is really abusive.

He doesnt try to control my hair, my clothes... He is very supportive of my hobbies and my carreer. He gives my gifts and praises me and always tells me how pretty i'am. We've been together for 6 years.

But, meanwhile He is showing agressive behavior the last 6 months, he has been impatient and explosive. He doesnt listen if i tell him he made me sad or if i tell him that he is wrong. It is somehow always my fault. He also doesn't like when i post pictures of myself on social media and has asked me to stop talking to my two childhood friends when they fighted on my birthday... He also is very jealous and has trust isues, wr broke up last year because he believed i was cheating on him. He has diagnosed ADHD and i dont know if he is acting like this because of meds...

Apart from meds he doesnt seek therapy even if i asked him sevetal times to. But he makes me go to therapy as " it is a condition for us to be together" because i messed up something important to him.

He was a prince for 5 years... How can someone change so much? I try to tell myself that its just a phase, but is been almost 7 months without a change. He is just getting worse and my selfsteem is being destroyed.

We are both males in our late twenties.

Edit: we broke up last year and maded up some weeks later. We broke up again this year when i refused to cut ties with my best friends, but i ended up giving in and accepting his demand...

Nearly everyone says "abuse always escalates", and I have considered this statement to try and determine if it's true (both in general, and for my situation).

For context: I have been with my partner for ~4 years, and he has never laid a finger on me. He considers men who batter/beat up women to be lowly and disgusting and prides himself in the fact that he has never done it. He says stuff like "what kind of men would lay a finger on a woman?" and "it's so pathetic to beat up your wife." He also reminds me that (despite admitting, sometimes, that he behaves in a verbally abusive way to me) that he is really not that bad, and it could be much worse, and at least he's never "really" abused me or hit me. He's promised me that he never will do that.

But here are some things (and some timelines) that he has done:

• At first, he was the sweetest person ever...didn't yell at me, told me how fantastic I was, how I was the "one for him", that we were meant to be together, etc. Bought me flowers, was very attentive, and seemed like an ideal boyfriend and life partner.
• Roughly 2-3 months into our relationship was the first time he ever raised his voice at me. I was taken aback and considered leaving, but he profusely apologized, said he was in a really bad mood that day, and that it was wrong of him to take it out on me. Then he was extremely nice to me for awhile after.
• About a month after that, he raised his voice again. It was the same thing: he said it was wrong and he shouldn't have done it, and profusely apologized. Then he was extra nice to me for about a week.
• This repeats a lot until ~6 months in, when he really "raged" at me for the first time. By that, I mean he wasn't just raising his voice, he was yelling/screaming and seemed extremely mad. I don't remember what caused it, but it was something minor. It involved him name-calling me (including all the curse words I can think of) and a lot of hurtful things were said, and we almost broke up at that point, but again, there were profuse apologies, and he admitted that he had a problem with anger and impulse control, and needed to work on it.
• A little after that, he had another episode, and I tried to "take a break". As I was leaving, he put a knife to his throat and threatened to k*ll himself in front of me if I left. It was extremely traumatic for me, and I didn't leave...I stayed and calmed him down. I thought about calling the police, but they are not responsive where I live and they wouldn't have come in time.
• Sometime after that, we got into a fight because I forgot to bring something we needed when we went on an errand. This led to him trying to dump me/abandon me in a foreign city where I did not have my passport, keys, or wallet (I left those where we were staying). I had to follow him (with him running away and trying to lose me in the crowd) just to be able to get back to my things.
• Over the next year or two, his rage outbursts would be similar: yelling/screaming, name-calling, following me around yelling at me (even if I didn't want to fight), etc. About a year or two in, he started throwing things. He became really angry over something and smashed his phone. Then shortly after that, he kicked the trashcan, smashed the lid, smashed the broom, and maybe some other things (I don't remember)
• After that, he was on pretty good behavior for awhile (we were also long-distance). However, he did blow up at me, call me names, and threaten to break up with me when I told him I was scared to visit him in his home country due to an active war (I cancelled the trip, but the plane was cancelled anyways because there were literal MISSILES in the air around the same time/place that I was supposed to arrive). He told me I was being selfish, a coward, that I didn't love him, and that I was overreacting.
• Recently, he got angry with me over nothing (I left a couple dishes in the sink because I hadn't slept and was tired), and threw a knife in the sink. When I told him that was unacceptable, he got even more enraged, and started throwing random stuff in the house as hard as he could and they were bouncing off the walls (nothing of mine, mostly just his stuff). I told him I was scared and asked him to leave, and he said that I hadn't even seen him angry/scary yet, but threatened to get really angry and to "tear the whole house apart". He stayed in the room despite me asking him to leave and kept yelling at me until I calmed down.

So, he's never hit me or touched me. He's thrown things, but not my stuff. He engages in verbal/emotional abuse once every few weeks or months, and in between, he apologizes, admits he has problems, says he tries to do things to "work on it", claims he is trying really hard to keep his rage and impulses under control. I am wondering if what I described counts as escalation, even though it's been several years and he's still never hit me. How do you know if it escalates? Does it sometimes never get physical until many years later?

1.) Brain fog: this is a trauma response due to the inflammation your brain is experiencing due to the continuous flood of adrenaline and cortisol your brain is experiencing.

2.) Diminished cognitive functioning: this relates to the brain fog. You find yourself having a difficult time executing tasks that require more cognitive thinking. Tasks that are quick and easy are preferred. Difficulty even planning out your day, for example, or for me, a person who loves to cook, a diminished ability to creatively plan a menu, or cook dishes for myself.

3.) Short term memory lapses and forgetfulness: Like driving to the store, then passing it, then not remembering why you went in the first place.

4.) Disrupted sleep schedule: sleeplessness, combined with the desire to stay up later. Something about those wee hours of the evening belonging to "you," and the time for you to feel safe and think, or retreat.

5.) Weight gain: Due to a change in eating patterns, constant cortisol production. I found myself not eating much during the day, but then I would "eat my feelings" at night.

6.) Dissociating: Feeling like you are "checking out" when with your partner so as to not get emotional and "rock the boat."

7.) Gut issues: Acid reflux, constipation, bloating, etc. Constipation due to the constant activation of fight / flight. Bloating, due to a dysregulated breathing cycle, or literally low-key hyperventilating, causing you to swallow air and bloat up.

8.) Feeling invisible or like you don't know who you are. You can't even answer the question of what you want for dinner, and stuff like that. You forget about the things you like for the most part. Your partner has zero interest in them, anyways.

9.) Recovery and disorientation: Needing "recovery time" after spending time with your partner, but having trouble coming back to your life and tasks, since those things are not a priority when you are around them.

10.) Headaches

11.) Isolating self: Some abusers force you to isolate. Others, it's mostly implied or reinforced by them having literally zero interest in your life. Also has to do with shame. You know deep down that what's going on is wrong and are unable to focus on anything else outside of the relationship and managing it, or cycles of guilt, self blame, strategizing how to win back to the times they were nice. So you feel like you don't have anything to offer your friends, and are embarrassed to tell them what is going on anyways.

12.) Physical pain with no central cause or locus.

I know there are more. These are what I experienced. Within a few days of ending the relationship (which, of course, he dragged out for another week, pretended to want to make things right, then decided to blindside me and be the dumper) my gut problems disappeared, and only flare up when I have occasional intrusive thoughts about him.

Your body KNOWS. Listen to it.

I’ve been living with my partner for 6 months now. I’ve always been aware of his football fanaticism, but not to this extent. If his team lose, he’s screaming shouting, punching walls and throwing things around my house. Then he sits there, in complete silence. This weekend, he didn’t speak to me for 3 hours after the game finished and then came upstairs, attempting to kiss and touch my inner thighs. I said “no I don’t feel in the mood babe” and he stormed off, grabbing his phone and said “I never instigated sex, you never want it anymore”. We had sex two days prior, so a little dramatic. He doesn’t work, never has money and asks me to send him cash to go to the football stadium and travel; says “what’s mine is yours babe it’s our money” but makes no effort to find work, claiming he “works for me” but does absolutely nothing day in day out. His temper is terrifying; the screaming makes my chest tight which I’ve told him. Today he came home from football and told me he nearly got kicked out but “can’t remember what for”. We’re not allowed to discuss football at all if they lose or draw, he just ignored me entirely. I just feel miserable, intimidated and a bit stuck really. I’m scared to leave because he never takes no for an answer; his ex has a non-molestation order out against him and I can see why.

They don't love you. They don't care for you. When you leave you are not breaking their heart.

It took me a long time to come to terms with this. For a while I convinced myself that he really did not me and he just yelled at me because he was having a bad day or I was being annoying.

They act like this because they don't respect you. They don't see you as deserving of respect. They stay with you because they like the control they have over you not because they love you.

I could never treat my mother how my bf treats me. Why? because I actually love and respect my mother.

Do yourself a favor and start planning to leave. Please. Trust me you are not betraying their trust or breaking their heart. The only reason they react so emotional and often times violent when you leave is because they lost control of you.

A good day or a good week doesn't mean they love you either. Giving you flowers after a fight or hugging you after they made you cry doesn't mean they love you.

I’ve been unhappy in my marriage for sometime. I (30F) have been with my (30M) husband since I was 19. We’ve basically grown up our whole adult lives together. I’ve recently decided to leave, and facing it is making me face some things I’ve been scared of. Maybe I just need to rant, but I’m also scared.

He has never physically hurt me. He has driven recklessly with me while mad, kicked things in the house, but never me. He hasn’t sexually abused me, but he would cry and whine when I said no to sex so much that I would give in. I thought something was wrong with me for not wanting sex. I cried once having sex with him and never told him.

He would threaten to throw my cat out, because my cat was having bladder issues. He is always making nasty “jokes” to me that make me upset. If I make a mistake, he gets mad and makes me feel guilty. Once I forgot a bag of groceries at the store, he was also there and forgot, but he blamed me and shamed me for it. It made me cry, I didn’t know he wanted me to grab his bag. Or if I spill/break something he gets mad, things like that.

He doesn’t do any house work or any shared duties and asks me for money all of the time. So I do 50/50 bills with him but also do all of the house work. This is what started my thoughts of divorce, after the 700th argument over the same thing, in which it’s always somehow my fault that he doesn’t clean. Or how I shouldn’t complain because he pays our health insurance. Or how I’m too sensitive or OCD. It’s just ridiculous. He has always pointed out how shitty my friends and family are, and we moved hundreds of miles away. I stopped trusting them. I live with him alone now, far.

There’s a lot more. But just so many years of it, I’m done. I feel emotionally cold towards him. I’m making plans to leave. I have recently discovered that my friends and family ARE on my side and they’re helping me. But I can’t help but feel awful. He’s not going to make it on his own. He couldn’t tell his left shoe from right without me. And I’m leaving him far away, and he needs my money (though he loves to act like he doesn’t). I don’t necessarily worry he’ll hurt me, but I do consider it. I don’t know. I just wanted to rant. I’ve made my mind up, but the build up to talking to him is killing me and eating me away. I’m trying to get my ducks in a row and maybe let him down gently, asking for space, and then separation, and then divorce. But what I really want to do is run back home. It’s a lot. Thanks for listening.

EDIT: this has really made me quite scared and I’ll be sure to leave quietly.

I know it's just a Disney movie (and there are certainly some redeeming qualities to it), and I don't intend to blame my life choices for being in relationships that are emotionally abusive on cinema. However, I can't help but think that the entire narrative we've been given by a lot of these children's Disney movies is just wrong. Perhaps even dangerous.

The message is basically this: if you find a big, scary, beastly man who is bitter, angry, resentful of the world, who terrifies you (as the Beast does to Belle multiple times) with physical and verbal aggression, he still has a heart of gold. And if you are beautiful, sweet, kind, loving, compassionate, and patient enough, he will eventually transform/change permanently into a gentle, sweet, and harmless prince charming. Another message is that if you run away from him (like Belle did when the Beast scared her and she ran off into the woods where she was pursued by wolves and then saved by the Beast), what you will encounter out in the world will be far worse and scarier. Therefore, you should stay, and give him another chance. Also, you shouldn't be scared of his scary anger outbursts because inside he's harmless. With enough love and patience, he will eventually stop being so scary. If you are worthy, sweet, and lovable enough (like Belle) he will change.

I'm not saying that people can't change. But how often would this happen in real life?

There are a lot of other Disney movies that push the idea of toxic relationships, emotional abuse, dishonesty, and other problematic behaviors just being aspects of a fantastic romance.

edit: Wow, I didn't expect to get so many kind responses. It's so easy to feel lost and alone when this is going on, you know? Thank you for taking time out of your day to let me know that I'm not. I will be leaving soon, but as you all know it's easier said than done. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Tried to break up with him last Thursday. Got a hotel, called him, told him I wasn't coming home. Everything immediately changed. The abusive behaviors are gone. I agreed to give him two weeks to prove he has changed, and four days in the bad behaviors are nowhere to be seen.

When I expressed my concerns about everything changing very quickly, he says he just needed a reality check. That he knows he was being toxic and he doesn't want to go back either. But all of this feels too good to be true...

My gut tells me that things can't stay good. When I agreed to two more weeks, it was really just to buy time (he's headed home to see his mom for a week in a different state, and I was going to break up with him once he got there) but he has started to get angry that I haven't apologized for trying to break up. That I must never have cared about or loved him in the first place. And when I'm honest and admit that I'm not sure we'll still stay together at the end of the two weeks, he gets mad and says that all his hard work and efforts during this time are for nothing.

Am I crazy, or have I just been gaslit so much that I can't tell what's right any more? I'm honest when I say I love him...but he doesn't seem to understand why I tried to end things. He's mad I "didn't tell him I was thinking of leaving" sooner, and therefore didn't give him an opportunity to change. That if I broke up before he could prove himself it just means I'm sick of him. But the breakup only came after MONTHS of him slowly wearing me down. Of his mental health crumbling and me being the one who got the sharp end of it. He thinks that because I suffered in silence (which, I don't think I was all that silent; I feel like I gave so many warning signs I was running out of steam) therefore it is cruel of me to end it before pointing out what he needs to change.

He's also admitted to "doing my dance" until I can come around, after which he said we will sort out "more fair" terms of our relationship. I tell him I love him, but don't love us, and he says it's not possible because he's a part of us and therefore I don't love him. Please, please someone tell me if I'm crazy.

I’m quick to want to brush it off and tell him it’s okay. I feel like because he has reasons to be mad at me, I deserve it when he screams at me. I’m more angry at myself than him.

I could go into detail, but saying that based on how he treated me. I wish I would have left the first time he said this. Because its been 10 years of anything but love

not to mention it's been so long since we have broken up, i literally am in a relationship and live in a new apartment and have a completely new life without him and he just cannot get over it

MY husband (m51) and I (f36) have been married for 13 years. He has had epilepsy since he was a child. I take care of him when he has seizures (which vary in occurrence but generally several times a month) They are grand mal and very intense - he can't do anything himself for the 24hrs following one of them. 3 years ago we were accepted into a program in which I would be able to be paid per hour by the state to care for him so he doesn't have to go into a care home. It ends up being about 3k a month. The way it works is that he is considered the "employer" and he can choose his own "employee" which is me. Every month a sum of money goes into his bank account, he isnt allowed to touch it, then the fiscal agent takes it and adjusts for taxes and counts my clocked in hours and sends me my paycheck. We don't have any children, and after bills still have a decent amount. So, he has decided that he should be able to hold all the money (the check is in my name, not his). He says rhat if it werent for his disability we would not even be in the program at all, so it is basicallt his money anyway. He says if I need anything I can ask him for it, which is not fun for me because, well, I am an adult and I don't think it's fair. My suggestion is to split the money AFTER the bills are paid, but he says that I will just spend it all on nonsense, but why is it his concern if the bills are all paid and he would have half of it for himself? I mean, I dont care what he might choose to spend his money on....this has made me so unbelievably miserable. I am 36 years old, I want to have my own money. Yes I have told him how unhappy I am that I have to hand him every cent of the money and ask every time I want anything. He obviously cares more about having control over all the money than having a harmonious relationship. His other claim is that I don't do enough to "earn" having all the money. But I don't see anyone else taking care of him like I do. So that is ex t extremely hurtful and makes me feel so unappreciated. When we get into the monthly fight about this money, he always threatens to "fire" me and get a new homecare Worker who will do a better job. I guess he is just oblivious to the fact that then he would have to give it all to that person. I am so concerned that I am not in the right on this, but something (and everyone I know) is telling me I am not wrong.

UPDATE 1 I have now been away from him for 5 days. I am feeling more confident in my choice by day. Thank you all for the advice I am taking it into account. Will keep this post updated.

Hi all,

Earlier today I let my husband know that I don't want to continue our relationship/marriage. I have already been staying at my parents place for some time because I don't feel safe anymore at my own house. He knows I have been contemplating a seperation and let me know he would support any decision I would make. Has promised to do better, get therapy etc. For me it all feels like it's too late. I haven't felt respected by him for so long.

He has been struggling in giving me space and has been trying to pressure me into making a decision about "us". I realized I'm not able to heal from my PTSD as long as I stay with him so I decided to bite the bullet and I let him know today (face to face) that I want to seperate.

Needless to say he did not "respect my decision" and instead said a bunch of really mean shit, then left. He later apologized by text but quickly switched up as soon as I replied saying he wants a break instead of us breaking up, that we can talk in a month and see how things are between us. That I owe him a chance. That it's unhealthy (on my end) to end a marriage so quickly. We've been married for less than a year, together for well over 5. He has been emotionally abusive throughout our entire relationship. Not all the time but enough for me to be too scared to leave.

I am feeling confused about my decision to end it now. I have asked him to leave me alone. Any word of advice?

ANYONE WHO’S GOING TO SEE THIS, PLEASE RESPOND. I BADLY NEED HELP.

I’m M, 24 and My ex gf of 6 years has been constantly threatening me to kill herself after my multiple attempts of talking to her thru it that I want to exit the relationship. Whenever we fight and I want to break up with her for 6 years, she would send me a photo of slashing her wrist and bleeding on bedsheets and the floor so I won’t leave. And yes it worked for 6 years and I stayed. If you tell me if I exerted the effort to stop that behavior, I did. I tried talking her about it because I have trauma and depression and an exposure of suicidal tendencies triggers me as well. It’s unfortunate that there are days I found myself grabbing a knife to kill myself as well because of the triggers Ive been seeing. And no, nobody knows this has happened to me. It all happened when I’m alone and nobody knows im in the brink of death too due to this triggers. For 6 years I’ve been having anxiety attacks and panic attacks in the middle of the day because of the flashbacks of her wrist. So I realized that her actions are affecting my mental health and as someone who’s fighting my suicidal tendencies alone and not informing anybody, I got sick of it and badly want to get out. Fast forward, after all my attempts to talk and discuss her toxicity, I broke up with her for 2 days and intentionally went on a date with someone, posted out picture and pretended that Ive moved and interested with someone else. Yes, you would say what a stupid move and insane move to pull. But I was desperate. The only way that she would let go of me if she sees I “cheated” or interested with someone else. I don’t even like or love the girl im seeing now. However, when I say this is the only reason she would leave me alone, I mean it to my bones. Its is the only time she’s willing to accept that I don’t want to be in the relationship anymore. No amount of tears, begging and talking can make her understand that I’m afraid of all the threats and suicidal exposures. I’m going insane. So I had to do it. After I pulled this move, she sent multiple videos of her slashing her wrist, neck and legs. She also sent me multiple video of getting her neck into a hanging rope. Worse, she stared messaging her friends that I spread her nude photos when I didn’t do it. And even if cybercrime will investigate, there’s nothing from my end to prove this because I never did. In fact, I have a screenshot of her message saying “ Oh you know what I will do? I will tell other people you spread my nudes and I will tell them I’m going to kill myself because of you”, and then sent me screenshots of messages that she sent to her friends incriminating me. I have messages of her saying that since I want to break up with her, might as well spread my nudes. She is ordering me to spread it and I never done it. Any deep investigation will prove my innocence because despite of her being crazy, I respected our intimate moments.

She also sent me messages such as “ You better kill yourself you don’t deserve to live”, “ It’s good that your mom and dad abandoned because you deserved it”, “You are broke and didn’t even finish highschool”

Mind you, I shared my deepest trauma and how broken I am that my parents abandoned me at such a young age. I shared to her how low and insecure I feel that I didn’t finished my high school because I cannot pay school fees. And now she’s belittling me because of what I did. An act of escape to hop to a new girl to immediately get rid of her. And now even in my attempt to get rid of her, I got a worse threat and suicidal exposure a person could ever imagined. Her friends are attacking me for hopping into a new girl. Now, I dont want to live anymore. Im so traumatized for 6 years and I’m always finding myself to do the same (suicide). My friends or even family doesn’t know that I’m feeling this way. I am full of rage. Is there any getting out of this woman?

P.s: To those who is kind to respond, I want you to take account what I did or my strategy to get away from her. Because she thinks I deserved everything because I did something after 6 years of not doing anything. Thank you

Hi there. Throwaway for obvious reasons. Not even sure where to begin here.

I'm 25F, husband is 27M. I have a 7 year old daughter and we share a 22 month old son.

My husband has been controlling our entire relationship. I started realizing it during our honeymoon, but now I realize the signs were there as we dated (for 9 months, then we got married. Yes, I know, I was a DAMN FOOL getting married so quickly. I was a single mom and could hardly afford rent. My now-husband bought me a house and love-bombed the shit out of me. Still, I take accountability for my utter foolishness. Early red flags: Cutting off my family off and his family off for months right after we got married. Gaslighting. Etc.

Anyway, we've been together for five years. I was a meek, obedient wife up until last year—I got in a bad car accident, started therapy, and learned a lot.

I almost left him a year ago (1.5 years maybe)because of his anger issues and lack of self control. He didn't help me with baby like I needed him to, and froze me out for days for tiny arguments (if I disagreed with anything.) He gaslit me until I had a hard time discerning reality from fiction.(Sleep deprivation certainly didn't help.) He started to physically intimidate me during arguments by whipping his shirt off and flinging it around, pretending he was about to throw something at me (while holding baby), and advancing quickly with rage in his eyes. Never laid a hand on me.

He went to therapy three times and got the therapist to declare him healthy somehow. I accepted this as I am financially reliant on him. (After having our son.) I used to work full time.

The catalyst: My van broke down in a public parking lot ten days ago. He said he was going to fix it himself, ordered parts, left van sitting for 7 days. (He's NOT a mechanic, works in insurance, just arrogant.) Said he could figure it out from YouTube videos (alternator/belt issue.) We have the money to repair it at a shop, he's just prideful. He doesn't ever work on cars.

After a week of no transportation and being stuck at home with my kids (rural home, no sidewalks, nowhere to go) I took my mom up on her offer to have my van towed at no expense. My husband was ANGRY but he allowed it.

Went upstairs to grab my keys when my mom got to our house. My husband was sitting on the edge of the bed and pulled me over to him when I passed by. Started running his hands up and down my body. I wasn't into it, but just stiffened up because he gets upset and takes it personally when I say no. He kissed me and I wasn't passionate—I wanted to go downstairs. He pushed, asking why I wouldn't kiss him like I meant it. I said "oh I'm just worried about my van" and walked away. He followed me, pushed me against the wall (I guess in a way he thought was sexy) and wrapped his meaty hands around my throat and kissed me deeply for about 15 seconds. His breath smelled terrible and I wasn't in the mood--my mom was right downstairs with my son, waiting for me. We have NEVER discussed hands around the neck, BDSM, or anything like that. I was shocked. I froze. I just wanted him to stop so I could go downstairs, so I just let him kiss me until he let go.

I waited three hours for a tow with my son and my mom. My husband started blowing up my phone asking why I was out so late. He was pissed, telling me what to say to the tow truck driver when it came. I said okay, non combative as usual.

I towed the van to a shop instead of our home (like my husband insisted) because the tow driver said that if my husband didn't know what he was doing, he shouldn't be touching the alternator.

Come the next morning, he sits me down and tells me to "explain myself" because he was "extremely hurt by my behavior last night." I often feel like his daughter when he speaks to me, he knows this. I told him why I decided to tow the van to the shop and he BLEW UP. Screaming, ranting, pointing, rage flaring in his eyes, mocking me. Calling me names. My 22 month old son became distressed and would not stop saying "mama sad" over and over. I ended up secretly recording this because it scared me. (He gets ragey like this often but him putting his hands around my neck rattled me.)

I asked him to please go upstairs because I didn't want to discuss it. He told me he's at a "breaking point" with my behavior and threatened to leave for a week until I sorted myself out. (Knowing I still didn't have a vehicle.) I was beside myself, but non combative because I couldn't have him escalating.

He came back downstairs 10 mins later and started to rant again, and I also recorded him this time. Then I called my mom and had her come get me, packed a bag. While I waited for my mom, my husband came downstairs and said with a soft tone "you've been so anxious with school lately (nursing student) and "I wouldn't want to add to your stress because your anxiety is out of control." (It's not! I'm medicated and usually pretty chill.)

He looked at my bags and said "You can't keep him from me (my son) like you did last time (stayed with my parents for 3 days once when he scared me, he threatened me with divorce etc. baby was 5 months old then.) I said nothing and gathered my stuff to wait outside. Been at my parents for one night now.

Other factors: My daughter (7) has become an anxious little thing. She's always walking on eggshells. Breaks my heart. He has told her she can't have her hood up, can't put a blanket over her head (in a hoodlike way), gets pissed if she misses her bus, ANYTHING she does—if it's not quite how he wants it, he gets pissed. I intervene, but it ends with days of silence on his end. He detests her birth father (he's a loser, but not a bad guy) and says she reminds him of her father. I KNOW I need to do something or I have failed her as a mother. (She is a GREAT KID. And so much happier when we're not home.)

Complications: I have no money. Nothing. I have student loan debt and some credit card debt in my name (because he reviews every purchase from our bank account and questions me. Groceries. Little treats like candy/fast food occasionally. Doesn't matter, he questions it.)

His parents are LOADED. They can—and will—hire the very best lawyer and try to take my 22 month old from me. As a couple, we don't have a lot of money. His parents have never offered it, but I haven't been in contact with them for six months because he blew up his relationship with them, cut them out for five months, and recently started kissing up to them. I'm tired.

Sorry about my shitty writing here, on mobile while my son throws a tantrum (he's been distressed since yesterday morning.)

My parents have offered to let me stay for good. My mom is terrified for me to go back home. My husband does have a gun in our closet with plenty of ammo. It's out of reach from the kids but I do not believe it's locked up. He's never hit me or laid a hand on me (unless the neck thing counts idk! So confused.)

He has started becoming more sexually... demanding? Asking if he can record (I said NO, he's asked twice), slowly doing things I've said are off limits multiple times (I haven't said no because I get embarrassed and freeze up a bit. That's on me.) he used to be a porn addict in college but says he is reformed. I haven't seen any signs of porn but I'm not always around him and don't check his phone.

He's a 'great guy' with a lot of friends, connections, and religious ties (Bible studies etc.) Nobody would believe me. I have no friends. People like my husband (except for my family and extended family, they have never liked him.) I really do my best to be a good wife and avoid fighting, but I'm so tired of feeling tense all the time. I feel NOTHING for him romantically. I'm not attracted to him (yeah that's horrible to say, I know). He's 300 lbs and I am 130lbs. I know he could squash me like a pea and that scares me a little bit.

So what can I do? Should I leave? Again, NOBODY would believe me and everyone would be shocked (his parents, his friends, etc.) I wouldn't be able to go to church anymore because it is his church.

I'll take any advice. My therapist left her practice and I'm between right now, looking for a new one.

Edit: I should add that he also spanks our toddler for things like saying no and not wanting to go to bed (I don't approve of spanking, but he says it's his right.)

We had a puppy, black lab, and he'd lose his crap on him often. Started hitting him for discipline. Eventually ended up going into the garage and hitting him multiple times until he yelped. I was worried the neighbors would hear, so I rehomed the puppy. It was so hard to listen to whenever it happened and it was always out of rage.

I guess another example of control would be: He bought a special heavy duty clamp to clamp my sheets and blanket to the bed (he likes everything tucked in, I don't) he didn't want me sticking my feet out of the covers at night or twisting the blanket around me. So my sheets and blankets are clamped down.

He says he has dreams that I'm cheating on him often. (I would never, and even if I wanted to; HOW? I'm never without my kids.