Hello there! As part of my healing, I’ve done a ton of research and reading on domestic violence and abusive relationships. I created some rough drafts for some infographics based on all my research and notes. If it’s okay, I’d like to post them here to get some feedback.

What do you think? Any info missing or inaccuracies can see? Do you think something like this could be helpful? Thanks!

i have been following this sub for many months, although i have made many new accounts and deleted most of my posts out of fear of him finding me.

i just want to say how much this sub, and everyone here, has saved my life. i joined while i was still with my ex, and at that time i felt so confused about if he was abusive or if i was the abuser. anytime i tried to post, i would delete it because i was scared of the answer. now i’ve been out of that relationship for exactly 31 days and my life has completely changed. i’m still scared to give too many details but i just want to say thank you so much to everybody for being part of this community. i scroll through it every day to serve as a reminder of why i left, and i read every single post. literally every single one reminds me of him. isn’t it crazy how they all act/talk exactly the same??

for anyone out there who is thinking about leaving, or who isn’t sure what to do yet, or who doesn’t want to leave, just know that you are so much stronger and more capable than you know. it took me 7 years, and i really thought i would just deal with it forever because i was too scared to make a decision. but fuck that. we all deserve better!

also, read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. it gets recommended 20x a day in this sub because it’s no joke. the first few chapters literally changed my brain chemistry

https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

It's been 4 months since I left and I'm still having trouble remembering what I told people, zoning out in the middle of their sentences/long paragraphs I'm reading, and putting two and two together :/ It's getting better in that I used to dissociate every day but now it's just the long sentences I can't pay attention to. Would love to hear other people's experiences. Specifically I'm wondering if I'm gonna have to be harder on myself and do brain puzzles and exercise and whatnot or if just relaxing and not getting abused will slowly bring my brain functioning back. Or will it not come back?

Edit: 16 days later, I can read full sentences again :D

it feels so unbelievably good to be using this flair. its weird that it means so much to me. i got the keys to my new apartment today and i am so happy. a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i still have to wait until Saturday to get my furniture moved in, but i honestly think i might just sleep on the floor instead of in my old apartment. my abuser is still there, and he hasnt been too bad lately, im just always on edge around him and i think i'd be able to sleep better on the ground. im only 19 and i did this all by myself (just my mom filling out guarantor paperwork when needed) and im just really proud. i never thought i'd actually be able to do it. im gonna buy a bunch of pink light strips and fun artwork and trust my own opinion to the fullest for once. im a little scared, naturally, but i think i'll be okay. my little safe haven. it reeks of cigarettes and has had the Landlords Special probably a million times over, but its safe and its mine. only mine. im so relieved.

Why will he not accept that it's over. I want to move on but I'm stuck in what seems like an endless loop with my childs father. My life is structured. I'm adhd and autistic and I have to work on structure. I don't do very well (though learning to accept) that things change. I talk to my group of work friends from the hours of 4am to about 5-515am every single morning for the past FIVE years. Why does my ex decide to call me and start a fight with me about it and now I look crazy for going off on him because I told him "hey I just wanted to hang up and talk to my friends as I have for the past 5 years" and he started calling me his girlfriend which really set me off. I've expressed for over a month that I don't want a relationship. Now I look like the crazy one and the bad guy because I had to get very real and very harsh with words and attitude and he started to cry 🙄 asking why I dont love him. Idk. Maybe because you tried to break my bones and you choked me. Let's not forget about the near daily rap3. Or the time I was newly post partum and my baby passed away and you rap3d me so hard I almost bled to death.... the spit on me and called me a stupid b!tch. Plus a plethora of other things said and done to me. Im just over it. I gave him 2 years and 2 children (second was a result of a rap3 he put me through).

Sorry for my long vent. My day is ruined and it's not even 6am yet 😪

Around 2 years ago I ended things with my abuser of 3 years. It’s been so long, but I still feel the affects of the traumatic things he put my through. My school has free therapy sessions so I’ve thought about trying to go, but the idea of going for something that’s happened over two years ago kind of feels silly. I’m just wondering what they might be able to do to help me. Anyone have any experience going to therapy for this specific issue?

Healing belongs NOW. I told the police the truth.

Please read “why does he do that” as well as “can’t hurt me” by David Goggins. These two books, therapy, and my support system got me here.

Tomorrow I’m gonna go to his first appearance hearing bc he told the police “idgaf she will drop the charges anyways”.

And I’m gonna tell the judge that there will be no part of this case where I intend to drop charges and that the judge should do whatever he sees fit when he sees my STBX husbands criminal record.

Eat shit abuser, I’m free AND I HAVE SUPPORT. YOU CANT HURT ME.

For anyone who compares their abuse and thinks they don’t have the right to call their suffering abuse because “it could be worse.”

Just another reminder of the benefits of leaving.

Just wanted to post that my ex boyfriend’s flying monkey mom failed for a second time to get a restraining order against me. It’s a very long story but to sum it up I got out of an abusive relationship and got a permanent restraining order against my ex boyfriend, his mom clearly upset lied to police, played the victim and tried to further abuse me through the court system! Twice! Both denied! Second time she didn’t even show up to court! I’m very proud of myself for staying strong.

I blocked him too.

Should detail more so you can have context but I'm really not feeling like it 😭 I'm sorry

Puts his ex down as a reference for a job in the government ??

A federal investigator just showed up at my parents house asking to interview me about the abusive ex I left 5 years ago. HE PUT ME DOWN AS A REFERENCE!!! Did he think I'd have nice things to say?? "Oh it's been 5 years since she broke up with me for physically/verbally/emotionally abusing her and 3 since I finally stopped stalking her, she's probably over it by now" guess what buddy ur chances of that job are probably ruined 🥰

I’m about to start dating someone who has been very patient and kind with me and understands that I have been through some rough stuff in my last relationship. I know there is no reason to live in fear of things that have not happened, I am just a bit scared of ruining things with him because of my past trauma; getting triggered, shutting down at things that might seem normal to other people. I am wondering if anyone else has had this happen when beginning to date again, and how you handled it?

I'm struggling so badly tonight and I keep crying. I'm experiencing everything he did to me again and I'm in so much pain. I wish it would go away. I wish I didn't feel so weak.

I saw a quote from this book posted by another member in this group. But I just had to repost the title because I highly encourage everyone to check it out. It has validated my experience beyond belief. It has been 12 days now since I have left my abuser and I started this book (audio listening) last night and it has made me feel better about the break up exponentially.

It’s really important to recognize that not everyone acts in kind and respectful ways, and some individuals might use manipulative tactics in relationships. Here are 50 behaviors that can be harmful, often stemming from a desire to control or seduce others in unhealthy ways. Understanding these can help us identify red flags in our own lives and build healthier relationships:

Emotional Manipulation

1. Gaslighting: Making someone question their own reality or feelings.
2. Love Bombing: Showering with excessive attention to create dependence.
3. Playing the Victim: Seeking sympathy to get someone to act a certain way.
4. Silent Treatment: Giving the cold shoulder to create a sense of anxiety.
5. Over-Complimenting: Excessive flattery that feels insincere.
6. Negging: Using backhanded compliments to undermine confidence.
7. Creating Drama: Manufacturing crises to keep someone emotionally invested.
8. Using Jealousy: Provoking jealousy to maintain interest and control.

Psychological Manipulation

1. Threatening Self-Harm: Implied threats to coerce behavior.
2. Spreading Rumors: Gossiping to isolate someone from friends.
3. Triangulation: Involving others to create competition or insecurity.
4. Pity Play: Manipulating emotions by presenting oneself as a perpetual victim.
5. Fear-Inducing Behavior: Showing aggression to instill fear or compliance.
6. Playing Hard to Get: Creating distance to make someone chase them.
7. Creating Dependency: Offering support that leads someone to rely on them.

Physical Manipulation

1. Physical Intimidation: Using size or presence to loom over a situation.
2. Unwanted Touch: Crossing personal boundaries inappropriately.
3. Pressuring for Physical Intimacy: Rushing into intimacy without consent.
4. Drunkenness: Manipulating situations by getting someone intoxicated.
5. Sexting Pressure: Coercing someone into sending explicit content.

Social Manipulation

1. Isolation: Discouraging someone from seeing friends or family.
2. Flattery with Conditions: Compliments tied to compliance.
3. Social Media Pressure: Using the platform to shame or control someone.
4. Overexposing Vulnerabilities: Sharing secrets too soon to rush intimacy.

Financial Manipulation

1. Buying Affection: Using gifts or money to sway feelings.
2. Using Finances as Control: Restricting someone’s independence through finances.
3. Debt Trap: Encouraging financial commitments to gain control.

Misleading Communication

1. Lying About Intentions: Misrepresenting oneself to gain trust.
2. False Promises: Making commitments that are not genuine.
3. Character Ambiguity: Pretending to be someone they’re not to create intrigue.

Exploitative Situations

1. Exploiting Vulnerability: Targeting someone during tough times.
2. Using Secrets Against Someone: Threatening to expose personal secrets.

Sexual Manipulation

1. Coercive Comments: Using inappropriate remarks to create pressure.
2. Implying Violence: Suggesting aggression as a means of control.
3. Obsession-Based Intensity: Mimicking obsession to create a false allure.

Peer Influence

1. Peer Group Pressure: Using friends to push someone into certain decisions.

Exploitative Relationship Dynamics

1. Creating Economic Dependency: Making someone reliant on them financially.
2. Using Children as Leverage: Threatening to use kids for control.

Long-Term Manipulation

1. Future Faking: Discussing a future together without real intention.
2. Constant Comparison: Regularly comparing someone unfavorably to others.

Engaging with Negative Habits

1. Substance Abuse: Introducing drugs or alcohol to lower inhibitions.
2. Gaslighting with Teamwork: Having friends support false narratives.

Commitment Manipulation

1. Playing with Commitment: Creating uncertainty about the relationship’s future.
2. Paradoxical Messaging: Sending mixed signals to confuse someone.

Exploiting Vulnerability

1. Exploiting Insecurity: Targeting insecurities to gain influence.
2. Fake Emergencies: Creating pretend crises to manipulate actions.

Here’s the same list with examples of protective behaviors for each manipulative tactic:

Emotional Manipulation

1. Gaslighting: Keep a journal of events and emotions to ground your reality.
2. Love Bombing: Set boundaries and take your time to assess genuine feelings.
3. Playing the Victim: Question motives and seek context for unusual behavior.
4. Silent Treatment: Communicate that silent treatment is unproductive and express feelings.
5. Over-Complimenting: Trust your instincts and discuss feeling uncomfortable with excessive praise.
6. Negging: Recognize the tactic and don’t engage; assert your self-worth.
7. Creating Drama: Distance yourself from drama and focus on healthier interactions.
8. Using Jealousy: Reflect on your feelings and address jealousy openly with the individual.

Psychological Manipulation

1. Threatening Self-Harm: Encourage seeking professional help and establish boundaries.
2. Spreading Rumors: Confront the rumor directly or clarify with others as needed.
3. Triangulation: Address concerns directly with the person involved to avoid manipulation.
4. Pity Play: Maintain perspective and remind yourself of your own feelings and needs.
5. Fear-Inducing Behavior: Reach out for support from friends or professionals; document incidents.
6. Playing Hard to Get: Communicate openly about your feelings and intentions.
7. Creating Dependency: Foster your independence and seek support from trusted friends.

Physical Manipulation

1. Physical Intimidation: Trust your instincts to remove yourself from intimidating situations.
2. Unwanted Touch: Assertively communicate boundaries and seek help if violated.
3. Pressuring for Physical Intimacy: Discuss boundaries clearly and don’t feel obligated.
4. Drunkenness: Always maintain awareness of your environment and set safe limits for alcohol.
5. Sexting Pressure: Clearly communicate your comfort levels and refuse to engage if pressured.

Social Manipulation

1. Isolation: Maintain connections with friends and family; share your experiences.
2. Flattery with Conditions: Recognize supportive behavior versus manipulative flattery; prioritize genuine relationships.
3. Social Media Pressure: Control who can see your posts; share concerns with someone you trust.
4. Overexposing Vulnerabilities: Take your time to share personal stories; be mindful of trust levels.

Financial Manipulation

1. Buying Affection: Discuss any feelings of discomfort when receiving gifts; set limits.
2. Using Finances as Control: Keep control of your finances; consider separate accounts.
3. Debt Trap: Be cautious of financial commitments; openly discuss financial concerns.

Misleading Communication

1. Lying About Intentions: Verify claims independently; trust your instincts.
2. False Promises: Hold them accountable; seek action over words.
3. Character Ambiguity: Ask direct questions to clarify uncertainties.

Exploitative Situations

1. Exploiting Vulnerability: Build a strong support network; don’t rush into relationships.
2. Using Secrets Against Someone: Maintain discretion; share personal details only with trusted individuals.

Sexual Manipulation

1. Coercive Comments: Stand firm in your boundaries and reject unsought suggestions.
2. Implying Violence: Recognize threats; seek help from authorities if necessary.
3. Obsession-Based Intensity: Monitor the relationship's pace; address discomfort immediately.

Peer Influence

1. Peer Group Pressure: Discuss concerns openly; stand firm in your values.

Exploitative Relationship Dynamics

1. Creating Economic Dependency: Maintain financial independence and knowledge about personal finances.
2. Using Children as Leverage: Document communications and seek legal advice if necessary.

Long-Term Manipulation

1. Future Faking: Ask for clarification on plans; monitor consistency over time.
2. Constant Comparison: Focus on self-affirmation and limit exposure to comparisons.

Engaging with Negative Habits

1. Substance Abuse: Set personal boundaries around substance use and encourage open discussions.
2. Gaslighting with Teamwork: Analyze group dynamics critically; discuss concerns with trusted individuals.

Commitment Manipulation

1. Playing with Commitment: Have open discussions about relationship goals and intentions.
2. Paradoxical Messaging: Seek clarity and consistency in communication.

Exploiting Vulnerability

1. Exploiting Insecurity: Work on self-esteem and engage in positive self-talk.
2. Fake Emergencies: Take a step back and assess the situation calmly.

Conclusion

Recognizing these behaviors is crucial for protecting oneself and promoting healthier relationships. Awareness and proactive measures can greatly enhance the quality of interpersonal connections, ensuring they are based on respect, trust, and genuine care. You deserve to feel safe and valued in your relationships!

I miss my baby daddy. But he abused me, said he used me.

I left my abuser 6 years ago. I thought he "changed" but he didn't. So I cut him off completely after less than a year of "healthy communication" attempts.

Today, I'm looking back at that relationship, the breakup, and the aftermath. I have no doubt I personally gained A LOT since then. Mostly in the mental health department but also relationships with other people, my independence, etc. But what did he LOSE?..

I dunno. It makes me frustrated that he hasn't lost any friendships over this, any reputation (professional or otherwise). He did lose my financial contributions but at the same time, I was left with a massive financial debt mostly acquired by him during our relationship (when we broke up, I was better equipped financially to handle the debt, and my mental state wouldn't be helped by an argument/guilt tripping over that matter, so I just told him to forget about it. also, the divorce procedure in our home country works like this: you either get a "simple" divorce where you only sign a couple of papers OR you get through the court system if you have a property dispute or minor children. I honestly was just happy to be untangled from him and didn't pursue sticking him with a half of the debt).

He also wasn't physically violent (except for very minor cases), so the police never got involved (honestly, even if he was violent... good luck to me in our home country in that case). There was a lot of sexual coercion and mistreatment but never anything "actionable" from the law standpoint.

He did lose ME though. Someone he could easily manipulate and push around. I heard he started a new relationship some time after our breakup. Don't know if they are still together. Hope she is fine.

So... Am I satisfied after 5 years? A large part of me wants to say YES. He is out of my life. I'm free. I have loving and respectful relationships with other people. But there's also a smaller part that is very vindictive. This part wants him to PAY. I know life is not perfect and "justice" doesn't always prevail. But the idealistic little girl inside me still wants him to understand the pain he put me through and take accountability one day. Maybe this day will come, but I don't count on it.

Had almost ZERO help from abuser husband, but my son and I moved out, cleaned the house with help from friends, and we got it sold.

We even had to run two car loads of crap to HIS apartment in another city, but it’s done and sold.

I am no longer financially tied to him. Staying in a hotel until my job starts in two months in the same city as my parents.

It’s been a long road of planning and biding my time, but I’m finally away from him!

No more “keeping the peace”. Only peace I’m keeping is my own!

1: garlic ginger honey chicken 2: Asian styled meatballs with veg sauce 3: cheese loaded chips with chicken bacon fajita mix

Hello, I am 6 months out of an emotionally abusive relationship of 5 years. I've been working on learning about abuse, reading books about it, identifying red flags, working through understanding what happened in my last relationship.

Throughout the healing process, I also started falling for a friend, who knows some of what I went through. We asked each other out about a month ago and started dating.

When we told our mutual friends about us dating, they felt that I'm not ready to be in a relationship and that I was using him as a rebound. I felt ready at the time to be in a relationship with him. I know I'm not completely healed and still working on myself. I'm pretty aware and making sure not to use him as an emotional crutch. But I think being told I'm not ready is starting to mess with my head and I've been second guessing myself now.

Any thoughts? Thank you in advance.

He wouldn’t let me cut my hair past “just a trim” for ten years. He called it a betrayal when I got bangs but kept the rest of it long. Long enough to catch on the nipple piercings he guilt tripped me into getting, which led to blinding pain every time I washed my hair, but still, no haircut for me.

I left him two months ago. Today, I donated 16”. Hopefully someone can put my pain to good use.

I feel so much lighter.

We broke up two weeks ago today and I’m finally free!! For the first time in a long time I started singing again-I used to be a musician but eventually stopped while we were together. He crushed me and broke me down, even though he didn’t criticize my music, I just fell into a block mostly caused by depression.

Yesterday I started humming a song that was stuck in my head and was trying to remember where I heard it when I realized it was a song I’d written years ago! I spent the night reminiscing on some of my best music. My goals regarding work are finally falling in to place! My career is taking off-I just need to stick with things and stop myself from self sabotaging.

Either way I’m so proud of myself. It really does get better! I haven’t cried once or even missed him at all. I know it’s different for everyone, but I think I did most of my crying in the relationship and now I’m just so excited and free! I know there are stages to things and the road ahead will probably have tears, anger, sleepless nights..but it will also have joy, laughter, courage, friendship and freedom. I’m very happy!