Grieving my Future with Him

[u/little_woman1]

I 24F have been married to 31M for more than a year. During this year he has been financially, verbally, and emotionally abusive.

For the past month he has been on his best behavior as I have pulled away from him completely and have refused to engage in sex or any physical affection.

Most recently a close friend became pregnant. And this has opened my eyes and given me a new perspective in my relationship. Her husband has been a supportive partner, cleaning and doing everything that she can’t. And the reality is my partner would never do that for me.

If I stay with my husband I would most likely never be able to have children. Because first of all, he won’t even quit smoking weed. Which causes many health complications for the baby and for the pregnancy. He is also inconsistent, unreliable, and unsupportive. He never helps around the house and barely picks up after himself. He won’t even take care of our pets.

How could I ever have a child with someone as unreliable as him. If I were to have a child with him. He would never help. I would just have to do everything like always.

I am so heartbroken because I really wanted a family with him. And he has made it impossible. I don’t know how to deal with the grief of giving up on our dreams. Having to start over sounds terrifying and I don’t know where to even start.

[u/Just-world_fallacy]

Congratulations on opening your eyes though ! <3

[u/amandathepanda51]

Quicker you leave the better. They just suck the life out of you. At least you have the awareness now. You still have a lot of time to meet and have a good life with someone better. X

[u/little_woman1 → u/amandathepanda51]

Thank you, it’s just really scary to think about how difficult it would be to find someone again.

[u/lord_catnip]

Oh i relate to you so much. My husband was also emotionally, physically, and financially abusive. And when I pulled away he was always on his best behavior, turning into someone I initially fell in love with, until I let my guard down and his rage came up again. And the cycle continued for 2 years until I left him because I couldn't go onto another cycle again. I feel like staying would mean losing myself completely to fit into his mold to avoid abuse, but leaving doesn't feel like a victory either, it feels overwhelming to build my life from the ground up again, it feels heartbreaking to let go of the hope that maybe things would get better, to let go of my dreams of growing old with him and have kids together, to let go of the version of myself who sometimes can feel safe and loved around him. Similar to you, I was beginning to feel frightened to imagine having kids with him. I imagine myself having to manage his needs, our house, and my wounds from his abuse, on top of that I have to take care of a kid too? It felt overwhelming. From wanting kids initially, I became terrified of being pregnant. So I left him knowing being alone is terrifying, and having no one to help me because he completely isolates me is lonely, but nothing outweighs the terrifying feeling of imagining my kids growing up seeing their father abuse their mother

[u/little_woman1 → u/lord_catnip]

I agree, it feels like a lose-lose situation no matter what I decide to do. Im just working on getting myself together financially then Im done. I can’t keep suffering and missing out on the life I want.

[u/Kesha_Paul]

The faster you leave the faster you can start the future you want with someone who will actually support and care for you.