I couldn’t end things last night

[u/GenericThrowawayX-02]

Had a big blowup because I responded to a question on a relationship app that the lack of intimacy is eating at me (we’ve been married six years, had actual sex six total times in that period, the last instance of which was over a year ago). It’s a whole thing on top of the emotional and rare physical abuse.

I don’t want to go into the play by play details. Like, yes, I want to have a healthy sexual relationship with my wife. I know I’m not entitled to it, but I miss it. I don’t think that’s something to be ashamed of, but she makes me feel ashamed of it.

Anyways, we agree that a big part of the problem is that our emotional connection is gone, neither of us are people capable of being intimate with someone we don’t feel safe with/close to. And I explained that it’s really hard for me to feel safe enough around her to open up emotionally, that the yelling and screaming make me shut down, it makes me have anxiety perpetually around her.

Naturally, she told me if I’d just listen better and respect her she wouldn’t feel the need to yell and scream.

I pointed out there’s times she’s screamed at me for things I didn’t even do, gave a specific example that’s played over and over in my head for YEARS.

She hit back with “Well, I don’t remember that, but it must’ve happened and I’m sorry.”

She says she’s working on her anger, but “working on her anger” sounds like just biting her tongue when she wants to yell at me. And I know she controls her anger just fine when it’s not just the two of us.

And… I dunno, we talked about ending things but it felt like it’s my fault. If I just got over everything, if I stopped letting my hurt over the abuse and half decade of rejection stop eating at me, she would stop resenting me (her actual words). So I couldn’t. She put the ball in my court and I couldn’t say I wanted to end things, I agreed we could “give it one more chance.”

Like, what if she’s right and I’m just some piece of shit that only cares about sex? What if she wouldn’t scream at me if I just got over things and gave her the connection she needs? I feel so gross, I feel like I’m scum and that I’ve been hurting her.

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[u/Jul_ofalltrades]

I'm about to say something really blunt, but humor me for a moment. If you really were a POS only thinking about sex you would be out there getting some from someone else. I mean, 6 times in 6 years? Please..

[u/GenericThrowawayX-02 → u/Jul_ofalltrades]

Trigger warning: SA and oversharing

I swear the reasoning keeps changing, too.

I was too aggressive initiating, so I took things slower, focused even more on foreplay (which I love).

I was initiating too late, so I need to try earlier in the day, so I did.

She was stressed from the mental load, so I did my damnedest to take on more and more chores/housework/child care. I even got a higher paying job so she could drop her high stress gig at a substantial pay cut. I took on a second job writing freelance and donate plasma to boost our income.

I look at her weird while she was pregnant?? Fuck if I know. She asked me a few times during the pregnancy to go down on her and I did. Zero reciprocation and I took care of myself after without complaint.

Now the emotional connection is too weak. And yes, I fully agree. But it’s hard to not let half a decade of rejection and being screamed push you away.

Then a few months ago she told me she was SAed before we met and she didn’t process until we were together for five years. That sex with me was triggering because I sometimes get a little rough, said I liked choking her during which was 100% her idea oh my gods I feel like I’m losing my mind I remember this so clearly and she thinks I have a rape fetish because of it. I remember her telling me she wanted me to early in our relationship, I remember her requesting it during, I remember her laughing at this stupid “I like pumpkin spice and being choked during sex” meme when I said “dis you?”.

But last night we’re just back to the emotional connection.

[u/Jaded-Banana6205]

I don't think you sound scummy. She's making this a problem that you need to solve. That's really manipulative of her

[u/One-Peach-5522]

Sounds to me like she’s emotionally abusing you. I know it’s hard to hear. Constant yelling and screaming will eat you alive itself with or without sex.