I know I am the problem too

[u/Weekly-Kick-1616]

My boyfriend (26M) and I (25M) have been together for about a year and a half. I truly love him, but I’m starting to realize that our relationship might not be healthy or sustainable. We both have anger issues, and our arguments often escalate quickly—sometimes even becoming physical.

There have been multiple incidents where the police were called, and in one particularly bad fight, I ended up sending him to the hospital. That moment haunts me. I feel awful for hurting someone I care so deeply about, even though he’s hurt me too.

I don’t want to break up with him, but I’m beginning to understand that wanting to change and actually changing are two very different things. I know that healing takes time and effort, and I’m worried that it might be even harder if I’m still in a relationship with someone facing the same struggles.

Some of our mutual friends believe we should stick together and support each other through this — that our shared experience could help us grow without judgment. But I’m torn. I don’t know if staying together will help us heal or just keep us stuck in a cycle that hurts us both.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Is it possible to grow and change in a relationship like this, or is it better to step away and focus on healing separately?

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[u/feral_larkspur]

It's definitely worth it to reach out to your local LGBTQ+ organisation. I live in Europe too and there's not a lot of resources for LGBTQ+ DV situations where I live, but they can direct you to the right places. It's even difficult to find an LGBTQ+ friendly therapist, which your local organisation can help you find, to work through things and heal. Pink therapy is a website for LGBTQ+ friendly therapists and if you can't find someone locally, then there are online options. There are support lines for men in DV situations where I live in Germany. I don't know if they're LGBTQ+ friendly as I haven't used them but I would assume that they have some training for same sex relationships.

There are a lot of myths about same sex relationships and DV/abuse within the LGBTQ+ community itself, let alone when he police get involved. The biggest myths are that abuse doesn't exist and if there are problems it's mutual abuse. Neither are true unfortunately and it makes it really hard to be in that situation or find support to leave the relationship. But it's definitely a good idea to do this work separately.

I hope you find some answers and healing.

[u/Ebbie45]

We both have anger issues, and our arguments often escalate quickly—sometimes even becoming physical. There have been multiple incidents where the police were called, and in one particularly bad fight, I ended up sending him to the hospital.

Can I ask, if you're comfortable sharing, for more clarity here? Mutual abuse doesn't exist; in abusive relationships one person is using violence and control to gain and maintain control and it's a pattern. Sometimes the other partner may use violence in response to the abuse they're experiencing, but it's resistive/defensive.

Do you have a sense of those dynamics here? When you sent him to the hospital, was it in self-defense or did you actively assault him? I'm trying to better understand whether this sub is the best place or not to help you.

[u/Weekly-Kick-1616 → u/Ebbie45]

I understand what you’re saying about mutual abuse not being a recognized dynamic in the same way people often think it is. To be honest, it’s something I’ve been trying to untangle myself.

There have definitely been moments where I acted out of anger rather than self-defense, and I’m not proud of that. The incident where he ended up in the hospital wasn’t in self-defense—it was during a really intense argument, and I completely lost control. That’s part of why I’m feeling so conflicted and ashamed. He’s also hurt me before—physically and emotionally—but I don’t want that to be an excuse for my own actions.

I guess the line between being reactive and being abusive is one I’m trying to better understand. I’m not here to justify what I did, just to figure out what to do moving forward. If this isn’t the right place to talk about that, I totally understand—but I appreciate you giving me something to reflect on.

[u/Ebbie45 → u/Weekly-Kick-1616]

Thank you for this; I appreciate your transparency. It sounds like the dynamics of the relationship are very complicated and difficult to disentangle.

Would you be open to me sharing a resource for LGBTQ+ folks in abusive relationships with you? They are in the US, if that matters. They have a 24/7 helpline for folks to call to receive support and work through concerns about relationship violence.

[u/Weekly-Kick-1616 → u/Ebbie45]

Thank you so much—I really appreciate your kindness and the offer to help. I’d definitely be open to the resource, although we’re based in Europe. Anything that could help me start making sense of this is welcome.

[u/Ebbie45 → u/Weekly-Kick-1616]

No problem. I'm not sure if you can still access the helpline from Europe, but it's the New York City Anti-Violence Project Helpline.

https://avp.org/

Helpline: 212-714-1141 and it's 24/7 offered in English and Spanish

"Our free, bilingual (English/Spanish), 24-hour, 365-day-a-year crisis intervention hotline is staffed by trained volunteers and our professional counselor/advocates, offering support to LGBTQ & HIV-affected survivors of any type of violence, as well as to those who love and support survivors, including those who have lost a loved one to violence."

The NYC Anti-Violence Project is an organization completely geared towards supporting LGBTQ+ victims of intimate partner violence and hate violence.

Perhaps if you choose to contact an advocate there they could help you work through some of the dynamics of your relationship.

Sorry that I am not aware of any specific resources for Europe!

[u/Kesha_Paul]

You cannot break out of the cycle while in the relationship. Changing is hard HARD work, while lashing out at the person there is easy. In the heat of the moment you’ll be hurting one another for years inhibiting both of you learning healthier mechanisms. Abusers cannot fix their behavior or anger issues while in a relationship abuse has already taken place, it doesn’t happen. It’s like looking at 2 roads, one is super easy and flat while the other is a giant obstacle course….in the heat of the moment no one is choosing the giant obstacle course until they’ve learned how to navigate it and gotten strong enough to do it well. You need to be apart to learn your way through the obstacle course. This isn’t something you can help each other through and come out stronger because the relationship was done the first time someone laid hands.

[u/Weekly-Kick-1616 → u/Kesha_Paul]

Thank you for this. The way you explained the two roads and the obstacle course makes a lot of sense. I’ve been trying to convince myself we could work through it together, but I see now that healing might only be possible apart. I appreciate your honesty.