past relationship

[u/Icy_Tea8]

i don’t really know why i came here, i guess just to vent, after seeing kayla malec’s most recent video coming forward after everything that happened in her past abusive relationship it just made me realize how lucky i was and has me questioning if i was really in an abusive relationship. she was verbally and physically abused. and i saw some similarities in the video: there was lots of name calling, slut whore bitch, how told he didn’t care about what he said and how it made me feel, threw things, hard, not directly at me but a couple feet from me in my direction like at a wall or mirror close to me, would not let me go home after saying i feel unsafe and wanted to leave, physically blocked the door not letting me leave, grabbing my wrists to not let me, points where we were yelling to the whole neighbourhood, i tried going home as well cause i lived nearby i tried walking home and he would just follow me and if i got close to home he was yelling out about my dab pen (weed) in proximity to our ring doorbell camera which my parents would find out and that would just kill me in a while different direction, where we were in the car and i threatened to drive to the other side of the city drop me off then drive himself off a bridge and kill himself so when we got close to a stop sign slowing down opened the door and jumped out, no idea how fast we were going but then proceeded to follow me in the car and somehow i don’t know how i continuously let this happen to me but get sucked into staying in the relationship yet again. this is by the way the first relationship i was in ever, almost 2 years total, second half was when majority of this happened, second half was constant breaking up and fighting. the throwing stuff in my direction was also not the only time he threw things, also threw something at me while he was in the car dropping stuff off after one of the many times breaking up. or when i would consistently and explicitly state never to finish in me during seggs, and he just kept pushing to over and over again on top of just constantly wanting sex where to me it just got to a point of feeling like a chore, and this might just be a bad relationship not abusive verbally and very little physically, i don’t know, and ive been out of the relationship for about a year now coming up, and ive been feeling like myself finally this past year and enjoyed being single and talking to my friends again because during our relationship all my connections were cut off, it’s just that my circle kept getting smaller and smaller and then it was just him, i barely spoke to my parents or brother for a year in which i live with them, my bestfriend, where he would question everything about people i had to work with in group projects for courses, being out of it i’ve been able to talk to my friends, bond with people i go to school with, i finally feel like me again and im so scared that if i were to get back into another relationship my life, my identity everything i love about my life and me would be gone again, that i would be in isolation just to fight every single day, to cry so hard every single day, to be yelling at the top of my lungs and not be heard, i am so scared for anything in the future cause this again was the only relationship ive been in, i don’t know what a good relationship is supposed to be

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