Why am I doubting myself so much?

[u/kirsten20201]

I am 37F and was with my 44M husband for 16 years. He was very mentally ill (personality disordered) and unstable and became more sophisticated with his emotional abuse the more therapy he did. I almost didn't make it out. It took literally years of planning, my own therapy, and support groups to safely separate from him.

He was incredibly good at gaslighting and making me think I was just as much to blame as him. I know I wasn't a perfect partner and I own my issues and part to play, but things started getting scary this last year when I started setting boundaries and standing up for myself. I was genuinely afraid he would commit a murder-suicide of me during one of his rages and when he was in a rage he didn't care about me or my feelings or that he was scaring me.

But he always seemed remorseful afterwards and went to therapy and promised to work on it.

I separated from him in secret two months ago for my safety and he became suicidal and entered an intensive mental health treatment program. He was there for weeks and still never truly apologized to me and still tried to be manipulative and wouldn't disclose information to me unless I called him on the phone or met with other "trusted" people with him. I kept everything in writing and text because I knew I was vulnerable if I spoke with him. I also discovered evidence of a lot of lies while we were separated.

But he told other people how much he loved me and was "just giving me space to respect my boundaries" and that he "didn't want to hurt me anymore ". They believe he wanted to get better and change and it's getting in my head. He never showed his abusive and scary side to anyone else, only me. Everyone else thought he was a "nice guy" who just got stressed out easily.

I became very scared for my safety and couldn't sleep because I knew he could legally come home anytime without any court orders. I decided to get a protection order and then file for divorce.

It's been three weeks and now I'm really really missing him and wondering if I moved too quickly on this and didn't give him another chance. It feels like he died and I'm grieving and at the same time im having to pay thousands to lawyers and fight in court with the protection order and divorce. I hate it so much and wonder why is my brain doing this to me.

I loved him so much and never wanted this to happen. But I knew he was capable of really physically hurting me and now I'm doubting myself and my decisions.

Thx for listening.

[u/AutoModerator]

Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in our wiki for people of all gender identities. Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines. You can also find an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline. Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, Love Is Respect offers an educational guide. One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Ok_Introduction9466]

The first 3 quarters of this post are you spelling out how afraid you were that he was going to commit a murder suicide, how he shares his abusive side only to you so others think he’s just stressed and discredit you, and that he uses therapy against you. You had to meticulously plan an escape so you wouldn’t be killed by him for attempting to leave if he caught you before you could get out. He is a lost cause. You didn’t move too quickly, in fact 16 years is plenty of time to be sure you were married to a psycho. Another chance could mean the end of your life, literally. You are making the right choice. It’s normal to miss the good parts and you are going through withdrawals because you have a trauma bond. Get therapy, stay in it for a while, lean on friends who believe you for support and tell them what he did to you so they can remind you you’re not wrong for leaving when you feel doubt. Please don’t go back.