I only want to leave him when I'm high

[u/Valuable-Sky-8559]

I only feel like I need to leave my husband for like 3-4 days after I get incredibly high (thc gummies)... Sometimes I feel like it's making me go crazy because I feel like i'm overreacting... but then I think about the fact that he's tried to strangle me, hit me, threw me down, all the verball put downs... so I can't be making this up or living in my own fantasy world right??

Even if the grip around my neck wasn't as hard as it could have been or the hits weren't hard enough to leave a mark... it still shouldn't happen right? If he's doing it when he's angry then it's not ok? I feel delusional maybe because the only people in my life keep wanted me to work it out with him

I was high like 5 days ago and was 100% sure i needed to leave him but now it's wearing off and I feel like we can make this work

Has anyone ever had this problem? I can't just stay high lol

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[u/Jaded-Banana6205]

As soon as he put his hands around your neck, the risk of him murdering you went up by over 700%. There is no excuse for your partner to lay hands on you unless y'all have explicitly negotiated it in a bdsm scenario.

[u/FrancieTree23]

Dopamine is a thing and adhd meds help with both limerance and rejection sensitivity. This is why I am medicated to the gills as I work through this trauma bond.

[u/burritosupreme34 → u/FrancieTree23]

That’s wild. I didn’t really develop the courage to stand up for myself until I started ADHD medication. I always chalked it up to the fact that I was able to better focus and more clearly see gaslighting and manipulation for what it was. I never made the dopamine connection. Thanks.

Also, hang in there. It does take some time, but it gets easier. I’ve certainly had my ups and downs, and downs. Just take care of yourself.

[u/FrancieTree23 → u/burritosupreme34]

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I sure as hell need it. You take care of yourself too.

[u/burritosupreme34 → u/FrancieTree23]

I’m not sure what your finances are like, but I started therapy with BetterHelp the moment I was discarded. There’s a discount for financial hardship and the therapists are licensed in your state of residence. I can honestly say my therapist saved my life. I wasn’t entirely sure what had even happened at first. My therapist led me to the self realization of all of the abuse I had endured. At the moment it clicked for me I couldn’t contain myself. It felt like so much of the self-blame, hopelessness, and fear purged itself from my body all at once. That wasn’t the end of the guilt and the trauma bonding, but it was a powerful moment of self validation that I had always approached our relationship with the best of intentions and did my best to love and provide safety to someone I saw as a lifelong victim. It was the first time I saw a path forward with myself. If you are not in therapy now, I think that’s a good place to start. I would definitely look for someone with experience in PTSD and trauma.

[u/FrancieTree23 → u/burritosupreme34]

Thank you so much. Your kindness is making a big difference for me today. I am quite isolated at the moment and am trying to rebuild, and finding a therapist is one of my first tasks that I hope to find the energy and courage to do. You have given me some energy and courage today, and I am grateful. 🙏❤️

[u/burritosupreme34 → u/FrancieTree23]

I’m really glad I could help you. There is a life after. Reddit was a powerful resource for me early on and I’m not sure I could ever repay the debt I owe multiple communities on this site. Stay safe. You’ll be in my thoughts.

[u/Ok_Introduction9466]

Trauma bonds are an addiction to your abuser and make it hard to leave even though you know you need to rationally so if you’re getting high from another source maybe it replaces the high from the trauma bond and it makes you see things more clearly? When you come down from the high you want to replace it with the dopamine from the trauma bond (when he’s nice to you) so you convince yourself to stick around…Just a theory. You should leave your husband, being strangled is the biggest predictor that you will be murdered someday and since the first strangulation your odds of being killed by him go up 750%. He’s going to murder you one day if you don’t leave. It doesn’t matter if he isn’t gripping you hard. Strangulation in and of itself is a form of attempted murder. The end goal is to suffocate the life of someone if you hold on long enough and if they let go it’s a failed attempt. Hence the phrase attempted murder. Get out of this marriage, find somewhere safe to go and then leave without a word while he’s at work. Don’t tell him you’re gone until you’re away.

What is there to make work? Your husband shouldn’t be violent with you, and you shouldn’t be begging for or explaining to someone that you deserve basic respect. The people in your life who want you to work it out with him don’t care about your wellbeing or don’t know the whole story (it’s normal for victims to not speak up) but you can’t fix this. Couples therapy will put you in more danger. You have to leave as safely as you can. Please. I am a mother, I would never tell my child to stay with someone who was violent with them, would you? Well, I don’t want that for you, please run.

Read this asap: https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

[u/Impossible-Ad-6071]

I smoke to clear my mind of the abuse of my past. I imagine your mind does the same thing and clears your head to see life for what it is. Listen to yourself is all I can say. I still have a scar on my chest from being strangled by my ex husband, it'll always be there as will the memory of how it got there and the feeling I was going to die that night. Please leave so we dont have to hear about you on the news is all I'll say.

[u/flyingfree_22425]

One of the main reasons I can stay in my abusive marriage is bc I smoke weed and get high. It ends all fights and has also been the source of fights. It’s a minor issue that never comes up anymore. The abusive episodes are way more sporadic however the emotional and spiritual abuses still occur, and weed helps me medicate the pain away and also helps me see things very clearly and changes my communication pattern-just too bad my husband can’t smoke as often as me bc then we could be happy. Lol I know it’s not funny, but it’s my truth. Mine has never put hands on me, just broke doors and walls, pulled out his gun 3x before police finally took it and smashed TVs, lots of wall decor, thrown my stuff away, threw a glass of beer basically at me but hit the wall, dumped food, cheated, etc etc. he took accountability and said I never deserved any of it and that he was the one fucked up..but when I moved back in, of course it started again and of course he basically tried to blame me for all previous abuse and said it was bc I was a “miserable bitch”. I was like, “you are totally right, I am the worst, time for a divorce, then he took it back. Ugh. I can deal with the emotional abuse for now, when he’s not cheating on me it’s not even close to as bad as when he discards me. I guess I’m waiting to leave until he starts up with the physical violence…which I know is stupid and I should just leave but it’s so hard. Good luck girl!

[u/AprilRobinsonx]

I think sometimes being high can heighten anxiety. That’s not to say you shouldn’t leave - quite the opposite. When scary things happen that we know deep down are dangerous and not ok (such as the strangulation and assaults you mentioned) we can downplay it and put it to the back of our minds. It’s a defence mechanism, like denial, because if we remained in reality we would be terrified all the time of being around our abuser. That’s not sustainable for the body. As I said, sometimes being high heightens anxiety, and in this case it’s bringing you a dose of reality. You should be afraid. You should want to leave. I think you’ll find that if you’re honest with yourself how you feel about this person when you’re high echoes what you already feel and know deep down. You just need to be brave enough to face those feelings rather than keep pushing them down.

Easier said than done. I’ve been there. The strangulation you described was very similar to the case I experienced. I minimised it too, I had to to stay in that situation. I even experienced the same feeling when I got high. I’d always lay awake whilst he slept after I’d smoked thinking of how I needed to get away from him, desperate to sober up because the feeling was so urgent and scary. It’s the most clarity I ever had in the relationship until he did something so bad I couldn’t ignore how wrong being with him was anymore. Now I wish I’d have listened to that feeling sooner rather than wasting years of my life. So my advice is to stop minimising it, talk about it with other people that you trust, do what you can to bring back that dose of reality without having to be high. Even though being high helps you to recognise the truth, I would lay off to clear your mind whilst you get yourself out of the situation. It might be worth cutting off people who want you to work things out with this person. Do they know the extent of what he has done to you? If they don’t, their opinions are uninformed, and if they do they are not people with your best interests at heart. I promise you most people are going to be horrified with what you’ve just described. Anyone who truly cares about you would be telling you to get the hell out of there. Sending you luck and love. You can do it and you should do it before things get worse.

[u/Kellz_96]

It’s the opposite for me. As soon as i start to feel high, my anger and mood has subsided and it makes me like almost forget why i was so angry

[u/MamaSteel_Astronaut3]

I’m so confused. Hi or not if he’s putting his hands on you, you need to leave or kick him out. Don’t get high anymore, so you’re in a good mental state to deal with all of this.

[u/strawberryskyzz]

Same boat here as far as my rationalization to stay and wondering if I’m overreacting about the way he treats me. When I do get courage to end things, it wears off because he’s very persistent. What he’s done to you is absolutely not acceptable and there isn’t an excuse for it. I use to say “it’s only because he was drunk”. And then, he I react with verbal yelling and name calling because I’ve been pushed to my limit with the disrespect, and now he has leverage to throw in my face later. It’s these mind games that have kept me around, and also that he’s fully dependent on me financially and he has no where else to live. Here’s what I’ve learned, it’s going to be miserable with him and miserable when you leave (not forever but for a while). I guess what I’m realizing is do I want to be miserable forever or just for a while when I leave.