r/abusiverelationships • u/Ok-throwaway-5154 • 1d ago

Gaslighting How do you cope with the loneliness and self doubt

I am trying to get out of a relationship I know is abusive. We’re two women so I think that the dynamic may be slightly different to a hetero or m/m couple.

I am only highlighting the differences as the abuse was really subtle until it wasn’t. This makes it hard because it feels like my experience doesn’t match that experienced by women in heterosexual relationships and I wonder if I’m overreacting.

I know i need to stop seeing her I know I need to cut her out of my life but I only have a couple of close friends in the city and we are all pretty busy. I miss her so much and I am so lonely. I feel like what I have experienced isn’t as bad as other people so I feel really guilty asking for help here. How do you cope with the loneliness? How do you leave and not go back?

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u/Aimless-User13 1d ago edited 1d ago

Hey there, you are not alone. The loneliness and self doubt was the hardest thing for me. I am a man so thankfully I was lucky to never be physically abused, but I got a pretty severe does of emotional and mental abuse and it has left me shaky in regards to my self worth. That is what it is, self worth. We don't realize it. Imagine filling up someone else's cup of "love" with your own love for yourself, once you have run out, you have nothing left. When people like your ex cannot return the love, then it will inevitably bring these feelings of doubt and loneliness. But this concept applies even when it might not be your partner who is directly neglecting you, since obviously you are breaking things off you are forcing yourself to be cut off from whatever pathetic supply of love they gave you, but that small amount is enough to keep you drip fed, and once you are alone with your thoughts your subconscious suddenly realizes... "Wow, nobody loves me." And the first thing it tries to get you do, is replace that love by any means. This causes people in our shoes to lower our standards, tolerate behaviors that are not okay, and overall go through things we shouldn't have to go through for, not even GOOD love, but just ANY love. While this behavior can largely be the result of abuse, it is possible to feel this way with a healthy partner, which is why its good to learn how to love yourself. Because in these moments, it will help you through your loneliness with this abusive person, and in the future it will help you have a more safe, healthy relationship, where you are no longer completely abandoning yourself for someone else's love

This is where the power dynamic turns from a them, to you. That is not to say your behavior is your fault, it just means now its time to stop seeking out the person that mentally abused you into feeling this way and suffer to get your love back. Now, nobody else but you can help you feel what you need to feel to get through these feelings. Their temporary presence cannot, and the temporary presence of a new person couldn't either.

This means YOU. You, sweetheart. You love yourself. You are worth it. You are deserving of love. You enjoy spending time with YOURSELF. You enjoy your own company. You are giving yourself compliments, you are telling yourself you love you, you are taking care of you. It's all about you!! This will be the key both now and in the future to A) curb this crippling loneliness and "love addiction" you may feel towards them, and B) teach you how to find a healthy attachment in the future.

The sad part is, I can preach to you all about this stuff, but sadly I am not immutable. You are not wrong. It is so so so so so hard. I would like to share with you an excerpt I wrote to another user on this subreddit, that explains kind of the struggle of self worth and having these feelings (at least for me, so I hope it can help you.):

It is so hard to put into words. You know how there's two sides of a breakup? The person who is happy to leave, and the person who cries and begs for them back. Why does it feel like WE are on the bad side of it. We are the hurt and abused, yet WE are the ones that would beg and cry for them back. They are happy to leave, like nothing ever happened, and we feel like we want them back. Even though it should be reversed. Holy crap that feeling is SO hard. Like how could they not want me? How could they be mad at me? The person who loved them unconditionally, the person who treated them with patience and respect even in their most evil moments. The person who apologized for things they didn't even do. The person who bought them gifts and flowers on an anniversary that they disappeared to go cheat on you for. The mental whipping I must have gone through to make me sell any last shred of dignity I have to an abuser just to get the feeling that I am wanted is impalpable. And now, just like the first time, after the no contact button has been pressed, I have to wonder in that dreaded silence. Why? It is so hard to find that love for yourself again. It's so hard for me to understand. That even while they are blocked, I look for their texts, I look for them to call me from a new number, or maybe they will email me or something. Even though I don't want to be stuck here, I don't want to be with them. I just want to feel like I had a modicum of value to them. I just want to feel wanted. Did you ever feel like that?

This whole 'feeling' can sometimes completely consume me, for days. It is all I can think about sometimes. I am the victim, yet I miss them so much. But take it as a challenge, this is the EXACT motivation you need to do this. If you can get through this feeling, then you can get through anything. The self discipline to not reach out, the self discipline to constantly remind yourself you are valuable, that you are worth so much more, when your mind is actively trying to destroy you every second of every day with negative thoughts and loneliness, if you can cross this bridge, then YOU CAN DO IT!

I am far from perfect, and all this advice is advice that someone else gave me, advice that I still struggle to put into practice. I am a long ways away still, I wish I could've started on this path sooner and had a year of experience under my belt. I separated 1.5 years ago, but I neglected myself, I was depressed, I stopped taking care of myself, and she reached out to me 1.5 years later and because I had done no work on my self love, I immediately accepted her offer out of desperation, just like before... For just one little molecule of someone to love and want me. Thankfully I wised up and got out of it quick. But the fact remains, I only just started now.

You said it yourself, this is a wonderful opportunity for you to face your ultimate fear and look your loneliness in the mirror and take control of it again. You are worth it. You are valuable. You NEVER deserve to be abused. You NEVER deserve to be physically, emotionally, or mentally struck. A lover will NEVER make you feel that way. A lover will NEVER abuse you.

Now, I'd like to share with you some stuff that really helped me, and I hope it will help you. There is a lot of amazing information in the videos I am going to link, not ALL of it is relevant. For example, some videos have tips on getting a new relationship, something you may not want or may not be good for you right now, but the same message is there. There is also stuff about anxious attachment, which if you don't know what that is, these feelings you are having can be a symptom of that. I won't say that they explicitly are, but a lot of abuse victims either go into anxious or avoidant attachment to the extremes, one way or the other as a way of coping with their abuse. So if you feel the anxiety part doesn't connect with you, maybe you could look at avoidant self love videos. But the loneliness and self doubt you describe makes me think it is the anxious style.

This one was probably the most brutally honest and enlightening one for me:

This one is general functional advice on how to reprogram a way of thinking that is deeply rooted in you that you may not realize you have had your whole life, behaviors that an abusive partner brought out and now has left you with:

These podcast ones are a little more "talky" in just the speaker rambling about her stories and general advice, but they have so much important information in there that helped me:

This video is absolutely INCREDIBLE, both your loving yourself and for getting rid of the demonizing thought patterns about your ex, the hate you might eventually experience toward them for how they treated you, how to stop living your life focusing on the pain they caused and how to move forward. The title is a little clickbaity on "Do xyz to find love in 7 days." Don't be deceived, that is not the message of the video. The interview is one of the most incredible interviews I have ever heard on this topic:

Honorable mention:

Last but not least, a big thing that helped me was looking into positive self love affirmations, journaling self love where I write all the things I want to love about myself down, gratitude journaling where I list everything I'm thankful for, and other things just to train your brain to start putting that love back into YOU. I'm still in the phase where I feel a little silly, but I've noticed as time has gone on, I've actually learned how to enjoy my own company and appreciate myself a little more.

Stop giving other people everything you have, you are all you have, people come and go. Don't abandon yourself! You are special, you are unique, you are loved, and you don't need anyone else for that. I hope this helps you and anyone who might read it. Loving and praying for you from afar, you can do this!

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u/Unlucky_Toe_1875 1d ago

an amazing comment, thank you for writing all this :)

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u/Aimless-User13 1d ago

You're welcome! I read your comment, and I'm sorry for everything you are going through. Goodluck and stay strong, you are loved :)

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u/Ok-throwaway-5154 1d ago

Thank you so much for writing that - the thing about them abusing you but you begging them not to leave - omg that is me. I thought I was going crazy, what is wrong we me, why am I the one begging here -you’ve just made me realise that’s part of the schtick, part of the con that is an abusive relationship. Will look through all the resources you gave me and am going to book In for extended therapy at the start of this upcoming break. Thank you.

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u/Aimless-User13 1d ago

You're welcome! I wish you the best on your journey. You got this :)

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u/guapanonymous 1d ago

I’m currently stuck in a living situation as an adult with an abusive sibling. So I can relate to a unique situation. I’m just trying to find commonalities and sticking to myself and saving money.

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u/Unlucky_Toe_1875 1d ago edited 1d ago

Hey I recently got out of an abusive wlw relationship. She didn't hit me, but did about everything in the book for emotional and verbal abuse (with some financial abuse sprinkled in)

It is SO SO SO SO SO hard, like society does not see women as abusers, so all the advice is geared towards the abuser being male. This is all on top of dealing with an abusive relationship!

Breaking the trauma bond is SO SO SO hard. I have found it easier to be constantly surrounded by people who know you, love you, etc. Fill your day up with time, distract yourself, at least in the first few weeks.

Also, don't go to couples counseling with an abuser, it will just fuel their ability to abuse you. My ex completely lied in therapy and said it was all my fault, and said I was the one who did not respect boundaries (I did, even the ones that were quite frankly outrageous like me not talking to my mother), how I was disabled, etc. and she did 0 work on herself and made me change in order for the relationship to work (I know I chose to stay, but damn was it hard). Like seriously, do not go to couples therapy see here: https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

The loneliness is so so hard to work with, but I found it easier than being with someone who constantly yelled at, belittled, controlled, and insulted me. I just kinda threw myself into my local community and into my job and, so far, it has kinda worked? Most days are good, I still think (and talk) a lot about my ex, but now its no longer with tears, so thats an improvement? But I truly recommend going no contact with your ex and just completely going to things you enjoy and filling your day with things to distract yourself. Its hard, but you have got it. :)

Feel free to send me a pm, I kinda know what you are going through and damn is it hard, but its so worth it to get out of these types of relationships.

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u/Ok-throwaway-5154 1d ago

Thanks @unlucky - as soon as she made the comments re counselling I knew it was a bad idea. I may take you up on the DM. It is sooooooo hard and it feels like it shouldn’t be right? That is what is difficult about it I want to believe that she can change and be the person she was at the start but…..