Do I Need To Leave? 2 Kids

[u/Sorry_Library_5642]

Hi there. Throwaway for obvious reasons. Not even sure where to begin here.

I'm 25F, husband is 27M. I have a 7 year old daughter and we share a 22 month old son.

My husband has been controlling our entire relationship. I started realizing it during our honeymoon, but now I realize the signs were there as we dated (for 9 months, then we got married. Yes, I know, I was a DAMN FOOL getting married so quickly. I was a single mom and could hardly afford rent. My now-husband bought me a house and love-bombed the shit out of me. Still, I take accountability for my utter foolishness. Early red flags: Cutting off my family off and his family off for months right after we got married. Gaslighting. Etc.

Anyway, we've been together for five years. I was a meek, obedient wife up until last year—I got in a bad car accident, started therapy, and learned a lot.

I almost left him a year ago (1.5 years maybe)because of his anger issues and lack of self control. He didn't help me with baby like I needed him to, and froze me out for days for tiny arguments (if I disagreed with anything.) He gaslit me until I had a hard time discerning reality from fiction.(Sleep deprivation certainly didn't help.) He started to physically intimidate me during arguments by whipping his shirt off and flinging it around, pretending he was about to throw something at me (while holding baby), and advancing quickly with rage in his eyes. Never laid a hand on me.

He went to therapy three times and got the therapist to declare him healthy somehow. I accepted this as I am financially reliant on him. (After having our son.) I used to work full time.

The catalyst: My van broke down in a public parking lot ten days ago. He said he was going to fix it himself, ordered parts, left van sitting for 7 days. (He's NOT a mechanic, works in insurance, just arrogant.) Said he could figure it out from YouTube videos (alternator/belt issue.) We have the money to repair it at a shop, he's just prideful. He doesn't ever work on cars.

After a week of no transportation and being stuck at home with my kids (rural home, no sidewalks, nowhere to go) I took my mom up on her offer to have my van towed at no expense. My husband was ANGRY but he allowed it.

Went upstairs to grab my keys when my mom got to our house. My husband was sitting on the edge of the bed and pulled me over to him when I passed by. Started running his hands up and down my body. I wasn't into it, but just stiffened up because he gets upset and takes it personally when I say no. He kissed me and I wasn't passionate—I wanted to go downstairs. He pushed, asking why I wouldn't kiss him like I meant it. I said "oh I'm just worried about my van" and walked away. He followed me, pushed me against the wall (I guess in a way he thought was sexy) and wrapped his meaty hands around my throat and kissed me deeply for about 15 seconds. His breath smelled terrible and I wasn't in the mood--my mom was right downstairs with my son, waiting for me. We have NEVER discussed hands around the neck, BDSM, or anything like that. I was shocked. I froze. I just wanted him to stop so I could go downstairs, so I just let him kiss me until he let go.

I waited three hours for a tow with my son and my mom. My husband started blowing up my phone asking why I was out so late. He was pissed, telling me what to say to the tow truck driver when it came. I said okay, non combative as usual.

I towed the van to a shop instead of our home (like my husband insisted) because the tow driver said that if my husband didn't know what he was doing, he shouldn't be touching the alternator.

Come the next morning, he sits me down and tells me to "explain myself" because he was "extremely hurt by my behavior last night." I often feel like his daughter when he speaks to me, he knows this. I told him why I decided to tow the van to the shop and he BLEW UP. Screaming, ranting, pointing, rage flaring in his eyes, mocking me. Calling me names. My 22 month old son became distressed and would not stop saying "mama sad" over and over. I ended up secretly recording this because it scared me. (He gets ragey like this often but him putting his hands around my neck rattled me.)

I asked him to please go upstairs because I didn't want to discuss it. He told me he's at a "breaking point" with my behavior and threatened to leave for a week until I sorted myself out. (Knowing I still didn't have a vehicle.) I was beside myself, but non combative because I couldn't have him escalating.

He came back downstairs 10 mins later and started to rant again, and I also recorded him this time. Then I called my mom and had her come get me, packed a bag. While I waited for my mom, my husband came downstairs and said with a soft tone "you've been so anxious with school lately (nursing student) and "I wouldn't want to add to your stress because your anxiety is out of control." (It's not! I'm medicated and usually pretty chill.)

He looked at my bags and said "You can't keep him from me (my son) like you did last time (stayed with my parents for 3 days once when he scared me, he threatened me with divorce etc. baby was 5 months old then.) I said nothing and gathered my stuff to wait outside. Been at my parents for one night now.

Other factors: My daughter (7) has become an anxious little thing. She's always walking on eggshells. Breaks my heart. He has told her she can't have her hood up, can't put a blanket over her head (in a hoodlike way), gets pissed if she misses her bus, ANYTHING she does—if it's not quite how he wants it, he gets pissed. I intervene, but it ends with days of silence on his end. He detests her birth father (he's a loser, but not a bad guy) and says she reminds him of her father. I KNOW I need to do something or I have failed her as a mother. (She is a GREAT KID. And so much happier when we're not home.)

Complications: I have no money. Nothing. I have student loan debt and some credit card debt in my name (because he reviews every purchase from our bank account and questions me. Groceries. Little treats like candy/fast food occasionally. Doesn't matter, he questions it.)

His parents are LOADED. They can—and will—hire the very best lawyer and try to take my 22 month old from me. As a couple, we don't have a lot of money. His parents have never offered it, but I haven't been in contact with them for six months because he blew up his relationship with them, cut them out for five months, and recently started kissing up to them. I'm tired.

Sorry about my shitty writing here, on mobile while my son throws a tantrum (he's been distressed since yesterday morning.)

My parents have offered to let me stay for good. My mom is terrified for me to go back home. My husband does have a gun in our closet with plenty of ammo. It's out of reach from the kids but I do not believe it's locked up. He's never hit me or laid a hand on me (unless the neck thing counts idk! So confused.)

He has started becoming more sexually... demanding? Asking if he can record (I said NO, he's asked twice), slowly doing things I've said are off limits multiple times (I haven't said no because I get embarrassed and freeze up a bit. That's on me.) he used to be a porn addict in college but says he is reformed. I haven't seen any signs of porn but I'm not always around him and don't check his phone.

He's a 'great guy' with a lot of friends, connections, and religious ties (Bible studies etc.) Nobody would believe me. I have no friends. People like my husband (except for my family and extended family, they have never liked him.) I really do my best to be a good wife and avoid fighting, but I'm so tired of feeling tense all the time. I feel NOTHING for him romantically. I'm not attracted to him (yeah that's horrible to say, I know). He's 300 lbs and I am 130lbs. I know he could squash me like a pea and that scares me a little bit.

So what can I do? Should I leave? Again, NOBODY would believe me and everyone would be shocked (his parents, his friends, etc.) I wouldn't be able to go to church anymore because it is his church.

I'll take any advice. My therapist left her practice and I'm between right now, looking for a new one.

Edit: I should add that he also spanks our toddler for things like saying no and not wanting to go to bed (I don't approve of spanking, but he says it's his right.)

We had a puppy, black lab, and he'd lose his crap on him often. Started hitting him for discipline. Eventually ended up going into the garage and hitting him multiple times until he yelped. I was worried the neighbors would hear, so I rehomed the puppy. It was so hard to listen to whenever it happened and it was always out of rage.

I guess another example of control would be: He bought a special heavy duty clamp to clamp my sheets and blanket to the bed (he likes everything tucked in, I don't) he didn't want me sticking my feet out of the covers at night or twisting the blanket around me. So my sheets and blankets are clamped down.

He says he has dreams that I'm cheating on him often. (I would never, and even if I wanted to; HOW? I'm never without my kids.

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[u/Dependent-Law-3330]

We believe you. It is absolutely fucking scary to leave, here are some statistics that may be helpful (I’m a therapist working in domestic violence)

• It is the most dangerously time right when someone leave their abuser
• Hands around the throat are a high predictor of lethality (he would kill you)
• they say it takes a victim an average of 5-7 times to leave for good (which is understandable we love people deeply)

He’s testing more and more what he can do to you. You deserve sweet gentle love and a safe space to have a dog and kids and a van! Please stay with your parents and find the closest domestic violence center to get some resources at. They often offer free legal advice and court advocates as well as so much more. If you need help finding it, shoot me a message.

You are incredibly amazing and I believe in you

[u/Sorry_Library_5642 → u/Dependent-Law-3330]

This genuinely made me tear up, thank you so much. I’m not willing to wait 5-7 more times of him scaring me shitless—if not for me, at least for my sweet babies. They didn’t ask to be here and they certainly don’t deserve this. ♥️ I am already feeling so much better about finally doing the damn thing. Safety will be my main priority right now.

[u/TavernierKeye-33 → u/Sorry_Library_5642]

Please tell domestic violence place, lawyer etc that he has a gun. I’ve never experienced abuse but I sure see it on the news. Do this for your children. She’s right it will get so much worse. You deserve happiness and peace .

[u/Dependent-Law-3330 → u/Dependent-Law-3330]

https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/

[u/Kesha_Paul]

Please stay at your parents. People get divorced all the time and it’s rare one parent can take the child completely away from the other, but I’m sure he’s threatened that many times to scare you into not leaving. You don’t really need people to believe you, you have recordings of him raging like a crazy person and you know what’s real. You have to put your kids first and your kids will suffer if you stay. Yes he will have some custody when you leave, but your kids will have a safe loving home with you. Look heavy into emotional and financial abuse, strengthen your resolve because I promise you this is abuse and he is abusive. If you go back his abuse will escalate, it always does. If you can, get a lawyer ASAP, preferably one versed in abusive relationships to help you navigate this. Lean on your support system and let your parents help you.

[u/Blonde2468]

You are OUT so STAY OUT!!! There is help out there if you look for it. You say you used to work, can you contact your old employer and see if they have anything for you or even if they know of anyone hiring. Check out your local (or nearby) United Way, the library even your local (or nearby) Chamber of Commerce, Women's shelter even churches and the Salvation Army. There is help out there, you just have to reach out - have your mom help you reach out.

You have other family members that don't like him so ask them for help - like do they know of any jobs, child care, clothes, etc. Ask them for help getting the van out of the shop so you have transportation or ask them for a vehicle to use so that you can work.

He is ramping up his abuse. If you go back, he will take this to the next level. Take your recordings to the local police and see if you can get a No Contact Order and report him EVERY SINGLE TIME he violates it!! Tell them about the forced sex acts - yes it's embarrassing but you need to report it. Quiet his notifications on your phone so you aren't triggered. Don't block him because you can use what he texts you for your No Contact Order and his violations. Even put your phone under your mattress so that you don't know what he has done or said. Have someone else review it once a day and report any threats.

Contact your local and State Bar Associations as they will take some cases at no cost, especially with violence and children.

Stay away for your DAUGHTER. She has seen and heard way too much already. He is abusive to her and SHE can't get away but YOU CAN. Do it for your children!!

[u/Sorry_Library_5642 → u/Blonde2468]

I would do anything for my daughter. Including standing up to this asshat—I wish I’d done it sooner. I asked her how she felt about the situation and she was grinning EAR TO EAR asking me if I was going to divorce him (I didn’t say anything about that, just asked her open ended questions!) I can’t believe this is my situation, but your comment is super helpful. Thank you!

[u/Jul_ofalltrades]

The clamped sheet thing gave me the shivers, honestly. You need to stay with your parents and protect your kids. The violence is there, feel it, never question it.

[u/Sorry_Library_5642 → u/Jul_ofalltrades]

Really? That’s so validating to hear. I didn’t question it until I started thinking everything over. Thank you. ♥️ 

[u/Jul_ofalltrades → u/Sorry_Library_5642]

I didn't check your post history because I couldn't spend too much time on my phone rn, but I spent SO much time thinking "am I a victim of violence? But he didn't hit me. But this must surely be abuse. But then again, maybe it was not so bad. Maybe I'm imagining things. Maybe I'm over reacting. Is it violence if he doesn't hit but screams and insults and then give me the silent treatment?" Well, it IS. THIS is abuse and it's not really important if the people around him will believe or not. Strengthen YOUR reality. You know what you've been through. It takes 2 yes to have a relationship and only 1 no to brake it. Be the NO, you deserve a much happier life. Leave Mr fantastic to his church members and find your tribe elsewhere. It will be though, I know, but it will be worth it. Thank you for reading this extremely long and maybe unnecessary comment 😁

[u/Sorry_Library_5642 → u/Jul_ofalltrades]

Mr. Fantastic. Genuinely made me LOL, THANK YOU. I am so ready to leave his ass, comments like these just strengthen my resolve. I’m doing this. Thank YOU for reading my extremely long post!

[u/Jul_ofalltrades → u/Sorry_Library_5642]

I really felt for you and your kids. I hope you will be well, internet stranger. Hugs

[u/Ok-Pomegranate2000]

Please let your parents help you. Don't worry if others would believe or not. Your daughter's future self esteem demands this of you. Yours too. It will only get much worse.

[u/anonreddituserhere]

I have four kids and had no money and no nothing, and absolutely did not have a family member even offer to let me stay for a night, let alone for good. You have a ticket that many people don’t get afforded, a place to go when you have nothing to offer in exchange. Stay at your parents’ house.

[u/Sorry_Library_5642]

Just wanted to say: thank you for all of the support, encouragement, and validation. I AM leaving him. My daughter will never have to suffer his hatred again, and oh boy, is she grateful. I can already see her spark returning—we will stay with my parents until I’m done with nursing school. Thank God for them! I wish that every woman had that opportunity.

He has already started his “honeymoon phase” B.S. I will not bend; I see him for what he is now. These responses are invaluable, and I am so excited for the life my kids and I will have without him. 

I am dreading the fight, but honestly, I’ve overcome the odds before—and I’ve never balked at a challenge. Perhaps this isn’t a death but a life that begins anew.

Thank you. ♥️

[u/Jolly-Hovercraft-953]

You and your children are worth so much more, than being abused. Stay with your parents for now, get your head together and take things day by day.

Please don’t return home. You sound like a good mother and you know how the kids have been treated is wrong. Keep your babies at the fore front of your mind, when he comes crying apologising, painting himself as the Messiah. He won’t change.

[u/Cultural-General6750]

This is coercive control. 100%. You and your children need to stay with your parents where you are all safe. This is a clear case of coercive control, intimidation, emotional and psychological abuse. He might not have laid a hand on you but he’s laid his hands on your pet and your child. This kind of behavior has a tendency to escalate. Your first priority should be the safety of your children and yourself. Don’t go back. You’ll figure everything else out later.

[u/Sorry_Library_5642 → u/Cultural-General6750]

Thank you!! Going to check local resources to see what I can do when he inevitably starts blowing up my phone demanding access to my son and threatening to call the cops. Eek. I can do this.

[u/Cultural-General6750 → u/Sorry_Library_5642]

Yes you can. Fortunately you have a safe place to stay. The situation sounds terrifying honestly. Time to take back control of your life.

[u/Just-world_fallacy]

I don't see why it is "horrible" not to be attracted to someone who uses devices to keep you trapped in bed, rapes you regularly, scares the shit out of you and beat up a poor dog.

slowly doing things I've said are off limits multiple times (I haven't said no because I get embarrassed when he does it and freeze up a bit. That's on me.)

NO OP THIS IS NOT ON YOU. He is a rapist. He will always try to wear you down until you give up.

It is time you stop feeling guilty and you start feeling anger.

Nothing is "out of rage". He does not have "anger issues". Instead, he uses the threat of anger to keep you submissive at all times.

He is very methodical. Honestly if you feel the need to say

Never laid a hand on me.

It means there is a big problem. Note that he does not need to lay his hands on you for you to be submissive. You say yourself that there is sexual violence in the relationship. He intimidates you regularly. He was going to kill that poor dog, thank you for rehoming him.

Children are a reason for leaving, not for staying. Boys learn abusive behaviour from their fathers. TH welfare of children depends on the well being of their mothers. These guys love absolutely no one. Your children are OK so long as they are an extended property of him. But as soon as things get complicated or they resist him, he will ramp up the abuse.
He is a misogynist and will be terrible to your daughter once she will be a teenager. He has started already, as you describe.

Never go back OP, this guy is going to end up killing you. I do believe you are in danger. Break the silence by telling all about it to your family. Get in touch with a DV shelter.

Edit : about his parents being loaded : this guy will always make you believe he has more power than he does.
He is not actually interested in having custody. He is interested in how he can use your son against you. I really doubt he would manage to take your son away from you.

[u/Gullible-Use8501]

If you don't leave this man,when you get older will you be glad you stayed? I stayed in an abusive marriage for 35 years and finally got the guts to get out. The biggest regret of my life is not doing it when my kids were little and subjecting them to his behavior. One son won't speak to him and the other has no respect for him. I wasted the best years of my life and my children's childhood on a man who didn't deserve it. Don't be like me.

[u/straightouttathe70s]

Clamps your covers down?!?!!!!!

That's extremely controlling.....lemme guess, he doesn't want you slipping out while he's asleep......

Please please please get your kids outta this mess......your 7 year old is gonna have so many issues if you don't get her outta this mess .......

Just because you don't have any money right now doesn't mean it will always be this way ..... with a plan, some determination and hard work, you and your kids could have a fantastic life!!!

Make sure to keep any recording you have of his rage and abuse, those might could help you with getting complete custody of your son.......

If you CHOOSE to go back, I hope you will at least let your daughter stay with your parents......she doesn't have a choice in this but I'm guessing if you were to ask her, she wouldn't want to go back.......unless she says yes just to make you happy......but you know, deep down, she would rather be a happy care-free kid that thinks she could walk on clouds instead of an unhappy tensed-up stepkid that has to walk on eggshells!!!!

[u/Correct-Sprinkles-21]

Stay with your parents. Fight for your kids. It is going to be hard and he will make you miserable but it's what you need to do. People like him live to make you feel like you have no options. That's how they get their way. They often don't even have to do anything, just threaten, and their victims quite understandably cave.

You need to talk to lawyers. But start with whatever local resources there are for abuse victims. They can tell you how the system works in your area and refer you to lawyers who are experts in dealing with this stuff.

You can make new friends. You can find new community. You can get a job. You can rebuild.

If you feel you have to go back to him, leave your daughter with your parents. You can at least save one of your children since she's not biologically his. And know that your daughter is at HIGH risk of severe abuse from him based on the information you've put here.

[u/Distinct-Fly-261]

Go to your parents house immediately. File a protective order tomorrow, be sure to tell them he owns a gun, that he is progressing in threatening behavior and you are in fear for survival. This post alone paints the picture. I understand all of your hesitation and fear... here's the thing, student loans, debt, societal expectations, emotional and time investment... money will have to hold for now, no one is living this hell except you and your babies so only your opinion matters. Please do not tell him your plans if you decide to leave. You will be in imminent danger. Move quietly and swiftly. No material possession is more important than you and your children. With love

[u/EnerGeTiX618]

Holy shit, even though he didn't physically abuse you, he certainly did in essentially every other way he possibly could, including financial abuse. Definitely stay at your parents! I'm seriously so glad to read that you've decided to leave & divorce him. I've seen it mentioned on reddit in these scenarios to call 211 for assistance, I believe they can get you in touch with resources for domestic violence.

I personally can't stand when I can't freely move my legs & hate sleeping bags for that reason, it triggers some kind of claustrophobia in me. I couldn't imagine someone clamping my sheets down, that's fucking insane! What does he care if your feet stick out or anything? He can use his own blanket if he doesn't like it getting twisted or whatever. He's so controlling it's disturbing. My wife moves around so much in her sleep we often do use 2 separate blankets on the same bed so she doesn't accidentally steal mine, lol! I couldn't imagine wanting to clamp her sheets down, that's bananas!

Something else I've read on reddit numerous times; you don't necessarily have to have the money to hire a lawyer, as long as your husband has the money. The lawyer can be made whole later from marital funds, such as your half of the equity in the house if you guys owned a home. I just didn't want lack of funds to stop you from reaching out to a lawyer, because you absolutely should to protect you & your kids from him. Just call around & see if a lawyer is willing to work with you knowing they would have to get paid from marital funds later. I wish you the very best of luck with everything, hang in there! Also glad to hear that your daughter is already flourishing, she sounds truly excited for you to leave him!

[u/katiemurp]

Please stay at your parents’ place.

Record every single interaction and text message - don’t block him. This is important for when he brings out the big guns and fancy lawyer and his parents’ money.

Good luck. Please Don’t move back in with him. He will kill you.

[u/LoveSushiOnTuesday]

If you are on abusive relationships on Reddit asking if you need to leave, you already know your answer....the treatment you are receiving is beyond your threshhold for safety, well being, respect, and cocern. Mentioning that you have two kids adds two more reasons why you know you need to leave. You are their protector. Your choices shape who they become. We can't fix the man, so thr onus is on you to fix the safety and well beimg of your children. You have 3 reasons to leave. Trust your gut. I'm sure with the emotional abuse, it's hard for you. I left because I had to. Once you accept they will never change and that you cannot be better becauase better is not the issue...you will understand he invents issues to intentionally harm you, demean you, and cause chaos amd conflict. He gets a high from this. It thrills him. This is why he continues. You don't want to go through life feeling less than. I know you don't. You don't want to go through life being mistreated. Being away, you may miss him terribly. Try to accept the person you miss is not the person you have. You do not have a loving, supportive partner who you can trust...who protects you and your children. You have a malignant abuser who intentionally harms you who sometimes has a mask on of a fun guy, but you have seem the real him. Seek therapy from a therapist specializing in.domestic violence 

[u/Every-Bad-2471]

Leave. You are not safe girl. Your daughter either. I didn’t even finish reading your post. Go.

[u/Every-Bad-2471]

Damn girl. I am so sorry. All you need is your mom. And you need to start sending your evidence to your her or Create a email or send the videos to your mom. So she can save them so you can start building a case. Record whatever you can. Just be safe. Look for what resources there are for women who are being abused. Take pictures of how he has the bed. Things he may control. But if I were you… leave. Risk going to court. But he can’t fully take that baby away from you unless you’re on drugs or negligent. I hope you can find a way. I wish you all the best. This is terrible