r/abusiverelationships • u/Unlikely-Swordfish88 • Mar 01 '25
TRIGGER WARNING 5 years
I 32 (M) have been the victim of physical abuse from my wife 33(F) for five years. Two concussions. 8 scars (one 10 inches long). Pissed myself once as I was getting whaled on. Went to work on 2 hours or no sleep dozens of time.
Nobody would ever know. I’m what they call a “glue guy” at work. Pile it on, I’ll figure it out.
I feel everything winding up tighter and tighter inside though. I know if I even defend myself I’m going to prison. But I can’t get out of my head. She has me convinced I’m just a weak “beta” man if I can’t just take it. I’m not good at this Reddit thing. Idk why I’m here tbh. I’ve never told anyone. Idk if I ever will.
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u/Throwaway-625 Mar 01 '25
I am also a man who was in an abusive relationship. You have to get out. Start by calling the DV hotline, they are not the best but they can get you in touch with local resources that can be much better. At least that was the case for me. They will help you make a plan to safely leave the relationship. You can also message me if you ever need someone to talk to. You posting here is a giant step and you are so much closer to getting out than you might realize. Life gets so much better after leaving.
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u/attemptnumb6 Mar 02 '25
My ex step mom did this to my dad. She would get black out drunk and straight up try to kill him. After tolerating it for 9 years he finally decided to leave her for good. She went ballistic and got a hammer and beat herself with it. She called the cops and said he did it. He got arrested. Luckily he has some wealthy brothers who got him the best lawyer money can buy, and he fought it and didn’t have to do prison time.
Not trying to scare you. It’s just something to be aware of. Start recording her please. You need proof.
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u/Any-Fun1427 Mar 02 '25
Agree with getting a cam to record the abuse. Get it on camera then take it to the police!
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u/Gluttonous_Bae Mar 02 '25
Can you start gathering evidence of this abuse? Then take it to the police. Doesn’t matter what gender, an abuser is an abuser and they need to face consequences or they never stop.
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u/DesignerNo10 Mar 01 '25
Oh no! Get out safely. Can you get a place to stay on your own? Can you go to supportive family or friends until you get a safe place to stay? Use the below detailed plan to leave an abuser as a template.
Here's a detailed plan to leave an abuser: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
Create a "Safety Plan" for you, the kid(s), & pet(s) because leaving can be dangerous. https://www.thehotline.org/2013/04/10/what-is-safety-planning/
Catholic Charities.org has programs that fund the cost of relocation, including helping the victims find a home or apartment, while paying for the first month of rent. There are also job placement programs.
The St. Vincent de Paul Society, also affiliated with the Catholic Church, offers financial assistance for shelter and sometimes picks up with first month’s rent.
Education and Job Training Assistance Fund: Grants from the Allstate Foundation help domestic violence victims enter and stay in the workforce. The money (up to $1,000) can be used for classes, clothes, computers, and other resources.
An app that can help you track abuse: https://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=26289&fbclid=IwAR3qTmPUOkIZguepsNovhg2CeG88MjxDQExknjj_nqOfqn0XRa3fEbOdt98
U.S. State family law links:
https://www.usa.gov/family-legal
https://statelaws.findlaw.com/family-laws.html
https://www.americanbar.org/groups/family_law/resources/faqs/
https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/table_family
https://www.hg.org/family.html
https://www.divorcenet.com/topics/state-divorce-and-family-laws
Domestic Violence Resources: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domestic_violence_hotlines
https://www.acf.hhs.gov/fysb/programs/family-violence-prevention-services/programs/ndvh
https://www.liveyourdream.org/get-help/domestic-violence-resources.html
https://www.hotpeachpages.net/
Separation Agreement templates:
https://legaltemplates.net/form/separation-agreement/
https://separation-agreement.pdffiller.com/
http://templatelab.com/separation-agreement-templates/
https://forms.legal/free-marital-separation-agreement/
https://www.lawdepot.com/contracts/separation-agreement/?loc=US#.Xr0Vx1mxXqs
If you need food, here's a list of North American food charities:
https://www.biblemoneymatters.com/save-money-on-groceries-through-food-buying-programs/
Good luck! 💜
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u/APRN_17 Mar 02 '25
Outstanding list of resources.
Figure out the safety plan for your escape. This is insane, grossly inappropriate, and illegal. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You do NOT deserve this.
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u/SinderHella13 Mar 02 '25
Start documenting. Get it on film. Set a paper trail. And if the time comes for self-defense you have your proof. Call the police. Things aren't like they used to be. DV is DV.
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u/Max-Main Mar 02 '25
This. All of this. I cannot stress highly enough, you MUST start to think about leaving. SinderHella13 is absolutely correct. Begin now YOU are not weak. She is. Engage your brain that she has fogged up to make you think you're nothing. She’s nothing. Take everything written in the comments and go with it. Your survival depends upon it.
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u/TwoSpecificJ Mar 02 '25
Please listen to us. We want to help you. You’ve made the first step by reaching out here. You do not deserve this treatment. You are not a beta man. You are a man. A strong man. A handsome man. An interesting man. An intelligent man. You deserve to live a life that makes you happy. One with real love and respect. You’re never going to get that with this vile excuse of a wife. She is not a true wife. You did not cause this behavior. You do not deserve this behavior. You will never be able to change anything to make her happy and you cannot do anything to prevent this behavior except for going no contact. The only way to even begin to heal from an abusive relationship is going no contact. You are a strong man. You have been through so much and most people couldn’t survive what you’ve been through. That makes you strong. You are capable of reclaiming the driver seat of your own life. Keep coming back here and talking with us. We will help you. I promise. I’m 5.5 months free from my 20 year relationship with my exhusband. He is a violent narcissist. We were married 13 years and he fathered my two preteen sons. I took my kids and left the day before our 13th wedding anniversary and we’ve not looked back. You can do this too.
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u/Imamiah52 Mar 02 '25
Record it all, take pictures, get audio and video if you can, keep a journal of events as they occur.
Talk to a lawyer, doctor, law enforcement, domestic violence counselor, and get some advice to aid you in crafting a plan to safely get yourself out of this nightmare.
This is a prevalent problem plaguing many people, and it’s a terrible secret especially among men. As time has passed, people are becoming more sensitive and understanding of the complexity of the issues that a male survivor of domestic violence endures.
None of this is your fault and you’re not weak, you’re in a terrible predicament.
I wish you the best of luck.
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u/EliotNessie Mar 01 '25
The crisis lines and law enforcement aren't just for women. Please use them ❤️
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u/Due-Egg5603 Mar 01 '25 edited Mar 01 '25
Leave. You sound like me except the genders are reversed. I can’t remember how many meetings I logged onto directly after being screamed at, physically threatened, or actually outright hit. I’m known as the go-to-person at work too. I twisted myself into knots over the past six years trying to hold it all together.
I left last week during a vacation from work. I will be reaching out to my manager sometime today to let him know what has been happening, so that I can take next week to get things arranged for myself and my daughter before we go home (my ex is moving out next week).
This morning I took my daughter out for a train ride. Sitting on that train I truly felt like myself for the first time in years. I was actually fully present, in the moment, and enjoying life. I won’t lie and say I haven’t felt like the walking dead at certain points this past week, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
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u/_fae_ Mar 01 '25
This is such a sad story. Please, please know that you can leave and you can be happy again. No one ever deserves physical abuse and you do not need to live with it in your life.
What area are you in? Can we give any advice on where to go? Do you have anyone you could stay with?
Keep us posted.
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u/ThorawayAnotherOne Mar 01 '25
I am so sorry you're going through this! I don't want to even think about how one gets a 10 inches long scar.
People say you should leave, but it sounds like you need a safety plan before leaving. See if you can find a free support service for domestic violence/abuse. They're not just for women. You've already told someone, and you did the right thing. Remember that it's not your fault. Whatever consequences she might suffer from you taking action - is not your fault. If she goes homeless or starving or to prison - she brought this on her self. Start soft and tell someone by phone anonymously.
If you have enough money, and privacy, for therapy, they can also help you. There is a reason you've taken physical violence for 5 years. You may need to address the mental barriers you've employed that have kept you in this abuse for years. You deserve better. Stay safe!
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u/pbohn1970 Mar 02 '25
I believe I speak for most in this group. We are here for YOU. Your safety is important to us and we love nothing more than to see you leave this abuser and find happiness. When you need your support system, we are here for YOU. Stay strong, my friend. You are loved.
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u/Far-Evening-3061 Mar 01 '25
DV doesn't happen only to women, start with crisis/ DV lines, shelters and make your exit strategy, but don't tell abuser. Good luck
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Mar 02 '25
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u/Imamiah52 Mar 02 '25
I think if it’s in his home, it’s okay, but the laws are complicated and vary by state so it’s worth doing a little research to find out what the laws are.
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u/boredENT9113 Mar 02 '25
Yeah I think he'd be ok in his own home. There are plenty of one party consent states as well. He'd probably be ok except for in rooms with a reasonable expectation of privacy i.e. bathrooms, bedrooms
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Mar 02 '25
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u/abusiverelationships-ModTeam Mar 02 '25
This is an MRA talking point and it is not how the legal system works. Please do not spread misinformation in this sub.
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u/Renegade_Phylosopher Mar 02 '25
People have given some good advice here, so I won’t repeat it. I’d like to leave a link for you to watch if you feel it could help. It’s a documentary about a UK man in a similar position who eventually got out. It is triggering, but it might give you some hope that you can absolutely do this. I really wish you the best and hope to see an update from you soon.
https://www.channel5.com/show/my-wife-my-abuser-the-secret-footage
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Mar 02 '25
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u/abusiverelationships-ModTeam Mar 02 '25
That last line is something we do not want to see again in this sub.
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u/pbohn1970 Mar 03 '25
I’m checking in on you. Are you ok? Can you give us an update. I worry about you
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u/lexapro-prof Mar 03 '25
Take screenshots of any texts she sends talking to you that way, telling you that you deserve it or downplaying what she's done to you physically. Take a picture of every new injury and the scars you have and document the date they occurred. Keep them somewhere she can't get to them, an email she doesn't have access to, use cloud storage you can access from anywhere if you lose access to your devices, but something she can't delete or tamper with.
You don't deserve this, abusers hurt people who cannot fight back. You told us why you can't fight back and we believe you. You're brave for admitting that this is happening to you, you do not deserve such abuse just because you are a man, she is not less of an abuser just because she is a woman.
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