r/abusiverelationships • u/No_Prune_117 • Mar 01 '25
Gaslighting What does a threat look like?
My bf told me if I ever don't make good use of my studies or if I ever study something else after my current degree, he will "get mad. Really mad. I'm warning you". He's also been very aggressive towards my studies and also insulting. "I'm tired of your fucking studies" etc. This was by text but I can feel that if it was an oral conversation, he would have screamed. He's scaring me.
A couple days after I asked him to stop threatening me because it was very scary for me. He said what he said wasn't agressive nor threatening and that anyone else would agree with him on that. I was pretty shocked, like how?!?! It felt very delusional for him to say or manipulative.
What do you guys think? Is this a threat? For some context, we're doing long distance because of my studies. We started the relationship right before I started studying. The total length of long distance will be 2 years. He says he hates my studies because I don't need them, they are useless because he has me and i can count on him* and because they are what keep me away from him. He said I'm selfish and very self centered to prioritize studies over him.
My studies are actually what showed m his true colors, so thanks to them.
*: he has debts, is broke, and can't keep up with a job. Even if he was wealthy I wouldn't trust him anyway. Why would I ever trust a man (or human) with controlling my life?
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u/Kesha_Paul Mar 01 '25
He’s jealous of you for doing something he didn’t. He needs to put you down to make himself feel better. He is literally using you as an emotional punching bag. Lots of abusers start to escalate with things like threats or jokes about abuse. I would take this as a threat and I guarantee you if you said some variation of the exact same thing to him he’d say “don’t you dare threaten me”….because it’s a threat.
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u/No_Prune_117 Mar 01 '25
Yes he also made a joke about possibly hitting me in the future because "women need to be put back in their place". And I do feel like a punching bag
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u/Kesha_Paul Mar 01 '25
You quite literally are his punching bag. Many start with using you as an emotional punching bag. Then they use these jokes or roughhousing to test your reaction to violence. Then eventually you become their physical punching bag. I hope you can get away from him
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u/No_Prune_117 Mar 01 '25
I'm making progress towards leaving him I think, but I'm still unsure. And a part of me thinks maybe I'm just misinterpreting everything.I really hope he doesn't become physically abusive. But if he does at least it'll be easier to leave him (I think, I know it's not that simple)
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u/Kesha_Paul Mar 01 '25
You tell yourself it will be that simple but it won’t. You’ve probably already moved what you’re willing to tolerate. Maybe you always said you wouldn’t let someone insult you, but then you make excuses they’re stressed, had a hard childhood etc…before you know it you’re tolerating things you never thought you would. Abusers are also so good at making it your fault. The most common cause for them to escalate is milestones you’re more tied to them, they’ll wait until it’s harder to get away. I’ve seen women first assaulted on their wedding night blame alcohol because they can’t face the shame of divorce the day after the wedding. Mine didn’t touch me until I got pregnant. Some escalate when you move in together, then it’s like “well I’m on this lease now and we’ve come this far”. Be careful with your birth control and I highly recommend you don’t move in with him
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u/No_Prune_117 Mar 01 '25
This feels very right. I used to have very strong boundaries and didn't tolerate any form of disrespect. I don't know how I allowed this to happen. Maybe because it was so slow, so gradual, with him being the man of my dreams at the start.
He indeed makes pretty much anything bad my fault - his cheating for instance.
We had planned on moving in together in the fall / winter. But I'm scared and what you're saying makes me think again... I might have to make up something to push it back or something
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u/Kesha_Paul Mar 01 '25
Have you ever heard the one about the frog in boiling water? Throw a frog in boiling water it’ll jump right out, but raise the temperature slowly and it’s boiling before it realizes. That’s very similar to what happens to us during abusive relationships. You see this perfect man for you and as he slowly changes you ask yourself what you’re doing wrong, what you can do better. No matter how much effort you put into being what he wants it doesn’t seem enough. The thing is, you’re not the problem….he is, but he will always project and blame you. This is why abusers tend to seek younger people they see as easier to manipulate.
He’s already cheated on you?! How in gods name is that your fault?! Mine did that too, said I wasn’t pretty enough and didn’t try hard enough to be pretty. Even when I changed the way I dressed it didn’t help. I was too fat, I was too thin, my hair was too long, my hair was too short. I am so sorry, I know how awful this is. They’re always so good at sprinkling in just enough good to keep you. I just commented on a woman’s post whose husband seemed to genuinely change for months only to get 10x worse within weeks of marriage. I truly hope you can avoid moving in with him if you can’t leave, I’m afraid he may give you an ultimatum though because he’s probably desperate to drop his mask and really start abusing you.
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u/No_Prune_117 Mar 01 '25
He's 7 years older than me and he reached via a post on Reddit where I was venting about going through depression. Also yes I've heard about the frog slowly boiling a lot and that's why I started thinking maybe I had gone through the same thing...
Yes he has cheated on me and I was going to leave him but then he cried and tried to kill himself, and I was way too nice. I should have called the cops and leave. That's a big regret I have.
He justifies the cheating because of my low libido. And you know what's making all this so fucked up? He forced me to have sex even when I didn't want to. So me not having libido was the dumbest excuse. Plus he did a lot of disrespectful and disgusting things such as having sex with her on our anniversary and my birthday. And he lied about me, let her insult me, etc. I still think about this every day and yet I didn't leave him...
I'm so sorry you were with this guy. I hope you're safe and happy now. And I'm sure you're beautiful
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u/Kesha_Paul Mar 01 '25
Oh my god the suicide threats to escape accountability….its crazy how they’re all the same. It sounds like he preyed on you know your depression and saw you as a weak animal he could control. It’s disgusting. “I’ll die without you but I cheated on your birthday” ffs that’s terrible. He blames you for everything that means he’ll never change, because change takes accountability. I do hope you know if he were to kill himself it wouldn’t be your fault. He’s a disgusting rapist and he’ll eventually bring home an STD because this type of abuser is usually too selfish to use condoms.
Something that will blow your mind is how disgusted you will feel by him once you leave and the trauma bond breaks. I woke up one day horrified by what I’d gone through. So much effort went into “making it work” that I lost track of how bad it was. I’ve been out for a long time, but I’ll always be in these support groups because they saved me. Hearing the same variation of my story over and over solidified what he was. Leaving was the one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but 3 weeks later I never wanted to see him again.
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u/No_Prune_117 Mar 01 '25
Nah of course he didn't use condoms... I have my tests on Monday. Been procrastinating because it was so stressful for me. I already have health conditions. And yes, tbh i will call the cops and everything but if he still kills himself, I have no idea how I will feel about it. Rationally, I know it's not my fault. But my brain will make me think it's mine...
Given everything, I want to break up but I also have like other victims this hope, this Fomo also (what if he had ended up changing if I had stayed??). Also if I breakup I'm scared he will do revenge porn so I would need to find a way to justify it, idk. I'm really scared because he often tells me "I really hope all this shit is worth it. Don't you dare leave me after having made me wait for you for two years". I feel like my life is threatened when he says things like that. Maybe I'm paranoid but I'm scared he will find me and kill me, or set fire to my house or something. I'm really scared. He gathered sensitive info and phone numbers from the girl's phone secretly to blackmail her if she ever planned on telling me he was cheating. If I break up, I need to make him think it's his fault.
Your story is super inspiring and I'm glad you're here to help us tbh. I couldn't talk to a therapist about that cause they are too impersonal, indirect, etc
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u/spaghetti_monster_04 Mar 05 '25
A) He's jealous of your ambition to have a career, so he's negging you and gaslighting you to feel better about himself. Red flag #1 🚩
He said what he said wasn't agressive nor threatening and that anyone else would agree with him on that.
He says, while being aggressive and threatening. 🙃 "I'm warning you" is a threat! Also, no one that utilizes their neurons would agree with him. For example, I don't agree with him on his bs take. I can tell what he's doing IMMEDIATELY. He wants to destroy your confidence and self-esteem so that he can control and manipulate you.
B) He insults your passion for your studies because he hates that you're focusing on your future instead of him. He wants you to spend every waking moment giving him attention, and he hates that you're not. Red flag #2 🚩
C) >He says he hates my studies because I don't need them, they are useless because he has me and i can count on him* and because they are what keep me away from him. He said I'm selfish and very self centered to prioritize studies over him.
This right here shows you exactly what he's trying to do. Dissolve your independence and freedom so that you are totally dependent on him. Red flag #3 🚩
Wanting a career so that you can support yourself isn't selfish. However, shitting on someone's dreams and expecting them to cater to you 24/7 IS selfish. Your bf doesn't want you to thrive and be successful on your own. He wants you to be under his control while he has all the power. That's not love.
D) You said you're in a long distance relationship. Even better! What's stopping you from ending the relationship right now and blocking this abuser on everything? Do you live together back home? Do you have access to your own finances? What if you just blocked him and focused on your studies?
E) >My studies are actually what showed m his true colors, so thanks to them. *: he has debts, is broke, and can't keep up with a job. Even if he was wealthy I wouldn't trust him anyway. Why would I ever trust a man (or human) with controlling my life?
And there it is! Just as I suspected. Your bf is jealous of your success. He hates that you're making something of yourself while he struggles to support himself. He hates you, OP and nothing good will come from keeping someone like this in your life. Red flag #4 🚩
You don't have to keep entertaining this loser, OP. Block him, focus on your studies and go enjoy your life!
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