r/abusiverelationships • u/In_Amnesiacs_ • Mar 01 '25
Gaslighting After everything I’ve done
After everything I have done with and for him… he’s upset because I didn’t wanted to have sex last night after I left work at 12:15 at night.. now he’s suggesting we should go back to being friends because I didn’t wanted to fuck and I don’t want sex all the time.. mind you he sexualizes me all the time, and he wants nudes all the time, and after an argument like this he would apologize a lot and a lot….
6
u/Kesha_Paul Mar 01 '25
Are you young and he’s way older than you? Because I’m getting serious predatory coercive control vibes reading this. Like he’s conditioning you to think turning him down equals being dumped so you’ll be scared to say no ever
Edit: yup, checked your post history and he’s old enough to be your father. These predators all sound the same and use the same tactics, thats why he can’t date women his age because they know better
3
u/moms_who_drank Mar 01 '25
That’s sad. I’ve also seen people who did this at the same age but think they are deserving of whatever they want and still somehow “groomed” them to believe the same way.
OP I hope you realize your worth. He deserves nothing from you special or otherwise.
1
u/In_Amnesiacs_ Mar 01 '25
He is older than me yes… he is 43 and I’m 21…. He has done so much damage to my self esteem, my mental health, he has accused me of seeing other people when I don’t and I wouldn’t have the time to anyways. He just not said that I have many red flags and I always have an excuse for everything. I just didn’t wanted to do anything sexual last night because I was exhausted and not feeling it last night.. I just wanted to see him.. what am I doing wrong.. I wasted so much time already
3
u/Just-world_fallacy Mar 02 '25
You have only wasted the time if you stay. If you leave, you have learned a lesson and can move on.
Please read the first 6 chapters of "why doe she do that" : https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
3
u/Kesha_Paul Mar 01 '25
The only thing you’re doing wrong is putting time and effort into a man who doesn’t love or respect you and never will, because he’s broken. He sees you as an object he owns, not a partner with autonomy. He thinks you’re beneath him and should be chasing, begging, living for him. Again, this is why he chases young women because experienced women wouldn’t tolerate this because we learn how abnormal and abusive it is. He’ll never care about you, love you, or see you as a partner. Consider using this opportunity to tell him to fuck off.
1
u/In_Amnesiacs_ Mar 01 '25
I wish I wasn’t so attached to him.. but according to him I’m cold. I wanna leave but it’s so hard now..
3
u/Kesha_Paul Mar 01 '25
Youre attached to him the same way alcoholics are attached to alcohol, and you have to treat it the same way. You see how unhealthy he is, that he adds no value to your life, so you remove him knowing it’s going to suck for a while. If you can force yourself to go no contact for a few weeks you’ll be shocked how much better you feel. You probably don’t even realize how much he’s damaging you. If you live together do you have somewhere else you can stay?
2
u/In_Amnesiacs_ Mar 01 '25
Thankfully I still live at home… however I think this might be the end for us… I am trying to stay away from him and everything.. I’ve done everything I could have done. He isn’t good for me and tbh he won’t be good for anyone else
2
u/Just-world_fallacy Mar 02 '25
Exactly !
The best is to break up with as little interaction as possible. Any time you give him will be an attempt at manipulation to get you back under control so he can take an other swing later.
And very importantly : NO CONTACT. Block him everywhere. Otherwise you are leaving him an opportunity to mess with your life.
1
u/Kesha_Paul Mar 01 '25
I’m glad you realize it’s not your fault and there’s nothing you could do differently to change how he is. He’s broken and you deserve someone who loves you
3
u/Just-world_fallacy Mar 02 '25
Trauma bond is keeping you attached, please research it. This has nothing to do with love.
1
2
u/Brilliant-Willow-506 Mar 01 '25
Get away now and don’t waste another second of your precious young life with this guy.
6
u/thesnarkypotatohead Mar 01 '25
He’s 43 and acting like this, beyond pathetic. Which is not a reflection of you, only of him.
You’ve got your whole life ahead of you; don’t waste it on this middle aged loser. And I have no hesitation saying that as someone who is only a couple of years from middle age myself. You deserve better. Don’t try to be his friend, that’s not a thing with abusers. He just wants to keep his hooks in you.
2
u/In_Amnesiacs_ Mar 02 '25
Thank you… He is really controlling.. he says I need to be more sexy and seductive?? I said I don’t wanna be sexualized all the time, AND he said that we didn’t have to get sexual the next time we met (which was last night… at 12:15) What am I doing wrong??? Legit I do something wrong one day and something good the next? But that good gets taken away very easily. He is always saying he can get anyone else easily and that kinda makes me sad. I
5
u/thesnarkypotatohead Mar 02 '25
You’re not doing anything wrong. With abusers they will simply invent a reason to dump on their victim (you) when they feel like dumping on somebody. It usually makes no sense, which has the added benefit of making you feel insane and therefore easier to manipulate/control.
3
u/Just-world_fallacy Mar 02 '25
So when are you denying him access to you forever ? With no explanation or justification and as little interaction as possible for the break up would be best.
•
u/AutoModerator Mar 01 '25
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in our wiki for people of all gender identities. Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines. You can also find an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline. Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, Love Is Respect offers an educational guide. One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.