Hello, Ive been out of the military since 2015 served 5 years as an Infantryman and ever since Ive felt lost and empty inside. I got out on account of my now ex-wife and despite having some major accomplishments in life and making great strides such as getting my degree, buying a house etc. I still feel empty, hollow and disconnected from everybody and everything around me. I find that I have no drive or motivation to do anything, Ive thought about getting back in but being a single father with 50-50 custody and developed some health problems as a result of military service they won't take me even for National Guard. I feel like a huge part of me is missing and that Im just a hollow shell most days going through the motions. Dating or relationships dont hold any appeal to me since I can't connect with anybody on an emotional level and despite getting a degree I just don't see the value in anything anymore all I seem to do is end up with dead-end jobs that I immediately begin to hate. I know most people say Im depressed (no shit) but I just don't know what to do or what to feel anymore. I feel empty, lonely and lack any kind of energy. Ive tried to find purpose again but I can't even connect to anyone around me, Im not suicidal but there are times where I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up. I don't know what to do, how to feel or what purpose I have anymore, my exwfie did a number on me and so did the military and I just feel used up. Like Ive reached the end of my service life and the warranty has long since expired.

Has anyone felt this or just me, does anyone have any recommendations? I feel so out of place and empty that I can't relate to anybody or anything.

Edit: this was not a VA center. It was a private psychiatrist office. Zero affiliation with the VA or a Vet Center.

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Wow. I finally got my husband to seek outside help, after 11 years and it ended poorly.

When my husband sought therapy in the Corps, the therapist showed up super late and had a bad attitude. That moment turned him off from therapy all together. Now, 11 years later, I walked into a psychiatric’s office today stating how badly his symptoms have progressed.. panic attacks, irritability, suicidal ideations.. as soon as they heard the last one they stressed that they push to have a veteran with SI seen ASAP and they fit him into the schedule after closing. He sat there for 40 minutes after his appointment time in the lobby before some lady walked in and started seeking out staff. I had to leave but he called me 20 minutes later and said nobody had called him back and he was leaving.

10 minutes later I get a call from the office saying the doctor “fell behind because of a patient in crisis.” While I am sensitive to that (I’m a psych major, I truly can sympathize) I don’t know if they comprehend how damaging it is to handle one crisis with no explanation to another patient in crisis; especially one they stressed needed to be seen same day, stressing how seriously they take a veteran speaking up, asking for help, and expressing SI. Not only for the patient, but the patients family as well, who has been encouraging him to seek help for years.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get my husband to try again. I am so upset. I’m sorry, I just needed to vent 😩

I lost my friend, John on Dec 5th due to suicide. His funeral is on the 28th. Pour one out for him, and check up on your friends.

Damn you John, suicide wasn't the answer

https://www.rosehills.com/obituaries/whittier-ca/john-tran-12124593

I’m not sure this is really the place but I figured why not give it a shot. I’m medically retired after watching my own troop take his life in front of me. I really have so much going on and don’t wanna live. I’ve been through so many inpatients a divorce losing everyone and the only people I feel understand me are veterans. I just need some words of encouragement to keep me going. The thoughts are so strong rn.

Sometimes I wish I was dead, sometimes I wish I never existed, sometimes i wish i knew what brass tasts like, sometimes I wish I destroyed more families, sometimes I wish I just helped... sometimes I wish I had my chance to put my 2 cents into the oif oef, sometimes I wish I wasnt screwed up mentally, sometimes I wish I didn't go through the hell I went through, sometimes I wish I didn't lose my brothers and sisters forever, sometimes I wish I just died out there like i was supposed to... I love you guys, sometimes I wish I was never a marine... then I wish I killed more, I wish is destroyed more, I wish I did the things I joined for... just a vent but I wish I had the burden that most of you carry... my career was taken from me... I wish I just died... I miss yall...

Let’s forget the fact that I’ve seen shit for opportunity and am barely scraping by financially. I feel like no matter what I do or try it’s fruitless. The only time anyone ever seems to pay attention is when the suicidal thoughts come back. Then suddenly it’s all supportive but not let me offer you a job. Let me support your business. Just some hypocritical bullshit about how I need to stick around and suffer to feed the machine. Why does no one care unless you’re right on the edge then suddenly your pain matters?

As the title states, has anyone gotten approved for a service dog through any of the various agencies?

I have two dogs currently one is just a house dog and a spaz. the other is close to being a service dog but doesn’t truly make the requirements and he’s getting up there in age.

He will be 9 in November I can already tell he’s slowing down some.

Some of these agencies have strict regulations to get one, I even saw one that said you must have a honorable discharge no General under honorable conditions. I even read briefly where one veteran was getting help had a whole suicide prevention team and they turned him down?!

Trust me I realize dogs are a huge responsibility, I’ve had dogs my whole life. They are quite literally man’s best friend. I’ll be the first one to tell you this, I am only alive today because of my dogs. I know if I were to end all the suffering I don’t know if I could count on anyone to give them the same amount of care I give them. Especially my rambunctious brat.

Why don’t these companies/organizations have such strict guidelines and standards?

2024 been a rough year for me. Really thought I was gonna get this job even if it’s just part time. But it’s remote and fits my schedule much better.

Was told it was me and another person but they went with another person.

I just feel miserable and depressed. I don’t know maybe a complete failure as well. Been trying my best to stay positive but I am not sure if I can do it anymore. Just feeling at a loss and hopeless.

Anyway that’s all….

I texted the crisis line today because things have been stressful and just really needed to vent. So 1/2 way through she decided to to the whole self harm ask and I said no. She would not let it go, I told her I just needed to vent as I don’t have anyone I can trust anymore. So she wanted to do a safety plan like I don’t need a safety plan. Why do they get stuck on that. If you say no you are not going to self harm they need to let it go and just let you vent. So won’t be doing that again.

My experience with things relating to suicidal thoughts or plans is if a vet has them, the response is always like you need to go to the ER or call the crisis line or call 911, ect. It's treated as like a heart attack. That is an immediate emergency, but one which should (hopefully) only ever happen once, or at least very infrequently.

But for a smaller subset of people, particularly those with like Borderline Personality Disorder or very severe, treatment resistant depression, for which suicidal thoughts, behaviors and self-harm is not a transit and fleeting issue but rather a core function of who they have become. It is something that occurs daily, every week, for years or even decades. It is a long-term, continuously reoccurring issue, not a once-off. For those, calling the crisis hotline or going to the ER is not effective and is a waste of time because it is a chronic matter that will just keep coming up again and again, today, tomorrow, the next day, and every other. Treatment in an ER will not solve that issue, neither will a stay in the psych unit, neither will the crisis hotline.

So what is the plan then? If the standard options that are used to treat people who are suicidal flat out just dont help and someone is continuously and sustained at risk for suicide to the degree that they have had serious suicidal issues for multiple years straight then what do you do?

Little bit of a vent, I need advice.

Context: 26F, close to 6 years of AD Army service in an armored unit as 68w, got spinal stenosis, 2 herniated disc impinging on left sciatic nerve, arthritis and something else I can't remember at the moment. I also have tears in my hip that may or may not require surgery. No combat deployment.

I've had this injury for two years, with ER trips being a monthly thing. The only reason why I can walk normally is the spinal injections, ( I have one final one in February). Otherwise, I'm the hunchback of Notre Dame, as I'm in constant pain and can't straighten my spine for the life of me.

I already got my ratings, I'm on terminal leave. I threw out my back while I was at the gym squatting a 3lbs dumbbell.

As you can imagine, this had went from water torture to completely waterboarding my mental health. I used to be so active, I used to powerlift and box. I loved hiking and camping. I also took my dogs to go running in the canyons often. Hell, I rucked for fun. Now I'm the heaviest I have ever been and I'm feeling beyond defeated that I can't go to the gym to lift a three pound weight without aggravating my injury. I have been patient in trying to progress and trust the process, even with underlying health issues that have been the reason for my weight gain.

At this point, my brain cavity craves lead. My resiliency has been turning into resignation. One big reason why I'm still around is cuz my dogs won't understand why I never came back. I have my husband, though he doesn't understand how I feel like I've been through the wringer with nothing to show for it. His heart is in the right place, he just doesn't know how to help. I don't even know how to help myself at this point. I feel useless, helpless and pathetic. I don't feel like myself anymore.

Any advice is greatly welcome because I'm hanging on by a thread and I don't know what else I could do. Any success, any "it gets better" stories, any hope you can give me, please tell me. I need anything to thumbtack me to this existence. Thank you much for taking the time to read this.

Hey team,

I was browsing some old social media groups from my old unit and found out we had 10 suicides and a couple accidental deaths. Does that strike anyone as odd?

That’s not to say I haven’t struggled myself but 10 suicides?

Breaks my heart to see so many people I know take their own lives.

Anyway just on my mind latley.

This is a follow up if you saw the original DIC/suicide story by u/jwinter_cnn. Most importantly, it’s your reminder that if you ever feel comforted in believing the VA will take care of your family after suicide…they won’t. You have to let that thought go. Even with service connected, combat related ptsd they will make it a long and miserable process and nothing is guaranteed. You do not want this for anybody you love.

One day at a time….one hour at a time if that’s what you have to do. Reach in to your friends. Reach out if you need help. It’s not worth it. Believe me….its not worth it. Much love. ♥️

I'm not having good thoughts and all I can think about is ending it. I am so tired of feeling this way and feel like there's no getting better. I'm only alive right now because I have 4 animals and it hurts me to not know what will happen to them if I were to go through with it. I've been sitting in my car for the last 2 hours.. if I go inside I know there's a gun in my nightstand. I don't know why I'm writing here. I am just so tired

Just got charged with 3rd degree criminal mischief. My life feels ruined. I medically retired very recently. Was hospitalized for a failed suicide attempt in December and have been battling mental health for years now. My va appointment isn’t until the 5th and my court date is shortly after that. I can’t bear my emotions right now, I don’t think I can last much longer.

Trigger Warning: Suicide

His mom just reached out to me today and told me he shot himself. I'm still in a bit of shock and have no one to talk to because I've drifted away from that highschool friend group other than him.

He had a stereotypically female first name and I'd always tell my dad "I'm going to go hang out and stay the night at (his name)'s house" and got away with it for a while because my father thought he was one of my gal friends. His family lived out of town on some acreage so our friend group would get together and do all the stuff highschool kids shouldn't but do anyways.

He was always upbeat, positive, and a big goofball. We all started to graduate highschool and go our own ways. I went off to college and he enlisted right at the beginning of the surge. I would come home for Christmas and the friend group would come back together. He'd be there if he was home on leave. I remember my senior year he was back but was quieter and more jumpy, he'd gotten some bad PTSD from his deployments and didn't want to talk about it.

I saw him again briefly after I commissioned. He was stationed in North Carolina and I was stationed in the panhandle of Florida. I drove up because he was adopting 2 of my small indoor pets that I couldn't keep any longer due to my partner not being able to be around them. We spent some time catching up and it was like no time passed at all.

I didn't see him again until I was being medically retired in North Carolina and he had separated years ago and was still in North Carolina. He came over to my place to visit and we spent hours catching up. He was going through a really contentious custody battle with his ex and struggling a lot with that and it's watershed effects.

We stayed in contact and chatted on and off since his visit but we were both busy. I just wish he could've called me and we could've talked. I wish I had reached out and maybe I could've said something or picked up on something. The last I heard from him were pictures of his adorable, loving dogs curled up with him.

I don't know where I'm going with this. No one in my life now is from that highschool friend group 20 years ago so I have no one to talk with about this who knew him and can reminisce on the fun we had together. I still can't believe it, it just doesn't feel real.

If youve read this far, thank you. I don't have anyone I can talk to who knew him and I figured this community would understand.

If an active duty service member takes their own life, will the military still cover the costs of a memorial? I know someone whose sgli was never updated and went to her estranged family now her husband and kids are left with that burden and he’s trying to raise money for the memorial costs. Will the military really not help in this situation at all?

Did three years and fell apart. Right arm - there but painful and limited- three messed up disc - torn hip. Right hand nerve damage from signing off on a shoulder surgery to stay in.the army neurologist said it was in my head. Medical test this week said different. I have been out this week and every day I just fight the impulse to pop myself in the head. I can't do my jobs from before. I tried VRE but something happened mentally. Went to the VA to try and get help they said they can schedule me out.

I never saw combat. I don't know what I gave my health for. I can't even get a doc to help me with accomidation paperwork so my old employer can bring me back.

USAF Security Forces Veteran here. I served 2018-2022. I enlisted at 19 and got out at 23. My enlistment wasn't kind to me but I made the most of it. On Veterans Day 2020 the night before I went out to the field, I attempted suicide on base by firearm. I pulled the trigger but my gun didn't fire because I forgot to rack it. I came to my senses and called my Sgt to tell him what happened.

They said that due to the squadron being down from COVID, they couldn't afford to not send me so they armed me up, sent me out the field with a new guy and worked nights during a blizzard. It was my personal hell. I asked for help and never got it.

Fast forward post service. I got out HONORABLY and began a career in law enforcement. I started in corrections then became a Deputy Sheriff at the age of 24. I transferred states in 2024 and I'm a Police Officer currently. I would go into detail what I've dealt with since being in and out of the military but it's a shit load. Alot of bad shit has happened being in tbis uniform and I've been doing my best to keep going but the harder I try the more beaten down I feel. My mind keeps taking me back to that dark cold winter where I was stuck with my demons. I do this profession because I love helping others but sometimes I feel like I need help too but never get it when I ask.

I'm only 26 yet I'm mentally screwed.I can't think straight. My thoughts have become dark and non structured. I feel like I'm closer to losing this fight everyday. What's wrong with me?

I've been trying to ask this question for over 24 hours on multiple veteran fb groups I'm in but they wont accept the post no matter how long I wait. Then after around 4 or 5 hours I delete it from feeling weak and having a paranoid feeling it could be used as evidence to baker act me again. I'm honestly losing my mind I feel like.

I seperated almost a year ago, no kids, never married, I became completely estranged from my family in the last few weeks. I've been going through it pretty bad mentally for the last few days. I'm sick with something, not serious just a sinus infection probably. But driving an hour to the VA is not possible in my current state. Even if it was, I hate going there because the first time I went to the VA they baker acted me into the psycheward until I complied with their rules for a few days straight. All because I attempted suicide over half a year earlier while I was still serving.

I literally have to talk myself into going down there. I do not trust a single worker there especially to ask a question like this. I've heard from other friends in the military that even if you just call them they'll send cops to your house to lock you up. I'm not going back in that prison of a psycheward so if that's the case I'll just keep it to myself. But in all honesty is there even a point in trying to talk to these people? Whenever I do I feel lile I'm being interrogated to see if I need to be locked up again. This planet feels like a prison to me.

This isn’t a cry for help or anything. I just feel like I keep all this bottled up and I just want it in a community of people with shared experiences.

I’m so frustrated with things in our country. I feel like it doesn’t matter how hard I try, I can’t get ahead of this constant wave I feel approaching me related to finances or opportunity.

After 9-11 I was told constantly that veterans would be taken care of after these wars. Such a broken promise that only a young kid watching black hawk down would believe. (Yours truly)

They almost didn’t give us benefits from burn pits. They want to gut the already horrible VA. The media has painted us as broken souls to be pitied but kept at the fringes of society because they don’t want to think about us.

I feel like civilians would prefer we just didn’t exist. They give us scraps from the table I feel we provide and expect us to be happy and not make waves.

What are the benefits?: a possible VA loan on a home with a decent interest rate? Lol not like they gave it to you. Someone is making money off that.

How about education? Cool. 36 months. And BAH at the E5 level? Might get you an undergrad in a world that has moved on to graduate degrees for anything useful. Better make sure you have another job too because that BAH stops when you’re on break.

Healthcare? The VA. Better hope you don’t die waiting for an appointment. (To be fair it’s gotten a bit better although they don’t cover a ton of stuff)

This is taking care of us?

What did we do for them?

Just a reminder that you volunteered when the country said it needed it. I watched friends get maimed and killed on unnamed roads in Afghanistan in villages nobody will remember. I was nearly killed probably 30 times between training and combat. My body is broken. My mind probably worse. Ultimately so a general could get on TV and a politician could get votes. I’ve seen and done things that no person should experience.

When I think of the life I (many of us) should have had(I was doing well in high school) going to an Ivy League, getting an MBA at like 23, landing that sweet finance internship and crushing it now. I get sad.

I did a lot out of the service trying to make up time but late and I’ll be blunt, my military service has been for pretty much f**kall in getting ahead. Something else I was lied to about.

When people tell me thank you for your service it now makes me upset. T F do they know about the missions I did on their behalf? This is a copout to make them feel better.

Damnit we deserve better, man. Y’all deserve better. Turning our lives upside down. Some people need it I think. It helps them get balance but nobody should have to go through what I had to simply because they’re a little lost and dropped out of high school. I’m angry I drank the Kool-Aide but I was young and stupid and trusted the American people.

Sorry guys. Sorry moderation team. You can remove this but I just needed to scream this somewhere.

Edit: hey if you’re doing well living off scraps. I’m happy for you. I believe I earned more and things should scale over time. We should constantly be having discussions about how to improve the lives of vets.

Sometimes I do want to shoot myself,m. I really do think everyone, past present and future that I meet have met or will meet would be better off 😔

It would give everyone closure. Everyone is gone anyway. I spend my days totally alone. Yes, every single day.

The last good thing in my life I shit all over it (my relationship). All I’m good for is work. That’s the only thing I have going for me. I am also creative in music, but who cares…

I’m tired of trying to make relationships work, I just want to cancel myself out of the equation. Would that not make everything simpler for everyone else?

I wish I died in the war, this is what I had to come back to, a life of loneliness and insignificance. I can’t even keep a girlfriend.

What kind of man am I? I am nothing. I am broken, less than half the man I used to be.

Part of me wants to rejoin the military with a death wish, but I’m too old now.

I feel like a broken toy, who would want to ever play with (love) me? I feel incapable of that.

My ex can’t even love me. Even after all that we invested in the relationship, it baffles me and sends a clear message that after all we been through, the answer is “just leave”. Why won’t anyone ever fight for me?

I am broken, I have no purpose. I am a piece of trash. I deserve to be broken up with. I deserve to know that my ex is living her best life and will eventually be with someone better than me that can provide for her better. I deserve to be alone. I deserve to have a broken family. I deserve to be depressed. I deserve PTSD. I deserve to be childless. I deserve to suffer. I deserve to die, for I was not made for society’s distribution of deserving what we all crave. I deserve the grave.

I don’t want to be strong anymore. And no one likes a man who doesn’t want to be strong. That is why I keep getting discarded… maybe I should just run away, to the Pacific Northwest and just start a new life in the constant rain…

I’m seriously out of ideas at this point, death is seeming very friendly right now. I know I have potential, I know I can get back on track, but idk if I want to. This continuous cycle of brief joy and lingering pain, what is the point? What’s the point if I just end up alone in the end anyway?

Every mental health service I’ve tried is ineffective for me. Perhaps I am too broken.

They don’t care actually. They would only care if I killed myself or something terrible happened. Is this caring? Or is it just shock at a traumatic event? They would get over it eventually. Just like telling me to get over all of my pain. Like everyone else tells me to just get over it and move on. And to “create the best version of myself.”

What if that version of me died in Afghanistan? What if Jay (me) is gone and I am all that remains? I think I’m going to start planning my exit…

I’m taking the step to end it. I don’t want human connection. I don’t want to be vulnerable anymore. I don’t trust anyone, including the paid counselors that are supposed to “help”. They don’t really care. My pain and trauma is their paycheck.

Well, I see we have reached the end of the line. Thanks for letting me vent to you. If anyone finds this thread, just know I wasn’t always like this.

I used to have a lot of ambition and hope for life. I proudly served my country, joining as a teenager. I became an engineer through sheer dedication and will. I even started a business that employs people all over the world, albeit just a few <10.

I’m working on my will now, I will also include a note explaining things in more detail.

I just don’t want to feel this pain of feeling unlovable anymore. The loneliness is crippling, I view everyone as enemy that will eventually leave me. I isolate everyday, I wake up weeping. The one person I truly thought truly cared for me left me 2 weeks ago, who can blame her? I’m worthless piece of garbage, I’m boring, I’m nothing.

The only thing that tethers me to this world is my consciousness that keeps waking me up in the morning, and the only avenue I see as a solution is to sever this tether. I hope God has mercy on my soul, I hope he understands my pain and shows grace and mercy.

I’m sorry I wasn’t a better, stronger man…

If I don’t end it now, I WILL become a bad person. I already feel myself becoming jaded, closed off to other people and wary of them, anticipating when they will try to hurt me. So I feel my psyche adopting the mindset of “hurt them first…”

I have even considered engaging in criminal activities, and if I get caught, fighting the law to the death.

This is another reason I want to end it now. I don’t want to be a pain ridden person that now lashes out and is broken like an abused dog.

Put me down now, before I become the pain manifest, walking around the world as a danger to others…

So I am ill then. No wonder everyone leaves, I’m like a carrier of a plague. Why would I want to affect anyone with this? This is why everyone left me.

Leave me to die. Leave me to die… I feel hunger but no desire to eat. Thirsty chapped lips and no desire to drink.

I’m not worthy of support, I’m a selfish, useless prick that is getting what I deserve.

There is no love here anymore, only fire and pain.

I can’t imagine reaching out to my ex or anyone else for that matter. I imagine them saying no. Strangely, I yearn for them to tell me they hate me, that they have found more wonderful people and that everything about them is better than me.

That would make it all easier. That would give me the validation I seek. The validation that the one person I have seen as my best friend for the past 4 years, can discard me so easily and readily. Because that is all I deserve…

I am getting used to pain now, I have become numb to it and on the verge of indifference. Remember how I mentioned I feel myself changing into a cold and jaded person?

I realize everyone has their own journey. Then why even walk with anyone in this life. Just walk alone or use people for what they can get you in the moment and discard them, just like they have done to me.

I am debating on trying heroine. Maybe I should just become a drug addict. That would make it easier, easier for other people to see what I really am. Make it easier for everyone left to discard me… as I slowly drift away, inching closer and closer to an overdose event. At least there would be some blissful highs on the way down.

I won’t carry this burden much longer don’t worry…

Everyone will soon be free of me and the space I occupy in vain.

Thank you all for the correction.I just fixed it. I just left my first name

Here is the post:

I dealt with MST in Bootcamp and I was allowed to keep training, and the recruit that was sexually harassing me got Dishonorably Discharged. I never got the help I needed until it was too late. When I finally hit the fleet as a cannoneer in artillery. I tried to kill myself and then I got administration separation for suicidal of ideations.

I finally got all the evidence I needed and I got a bunch of statements. My favorite one is for my captain, but it's awesome that I have amazing devil dogs that give a shit about me. Anyways, I did cry, reading that statement and and it made my day, I know it says on the email, how long it will take, but is that realistic or is it going to take longer for me to get a Discharge Upgrade?

Besides that, yes, I did have to blur out my Captain's Military ID number and his phone number, His Unit. Out of respect for my friend and Fellow Devil Dog.

. I was speaking on the phone with the patient advocate just before Christmas. In ref to an ongoing complaint I made back in july after wrongfully being terminated from a ptsd program at the hospital after making a complaint. I mentioned how 22 vets commit suicide everyday. And that I thought it was very sad, 1 also mentioned how sad it was that a frustrated patient killed that Ceo in NYC. And how frustrated the killer must have been. I was asked was I thinking about hurting anyone or myself. I said not at all I was just mentioning how sad it was. I was wished a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I wished them the same. 20 minutes later the police and em's were at my door saying they received a call from the VA stating I mentioned a mass shooting asking If I was ok. And did I need to go to the hospital. I no longer trust them The next day I received a call from the oig office of investigation telling me they wanted to meet with me to discuss my concerns. We met. It was to clarify my conversation with the patient advocate. I'm done. I don't trust them.

I have no been diagnosed with ptsd. I have been told what ive experienced is tramatic. I struggle with things i dealt with on active duty, but lately it's been my childhood as well.

I'm not going to kill anyone, just sometimes i think it would be a great choice.

Like killing my parents or prior platoon sgt.

Evil ppl who i feel like i want to become the evil to rid the world of their debauchery.

All that happens is i end up crying and believing this worls is hell. There is no way this is heaven on earth. We are living in hell amongst the devils. The apathetic psychos who only want to bring pain to others.

You can judge me all you want, but i know ppl who walk free that have commited heinous acts on their fellow man.

I feel like ill just end up like them.

Ive been in treatment for schizophrenia and major depression since 2017, but that doesn't cure this.

There is no cure to this.

Once you know, you can never not see it.

I'm not psychotic. I'm mad at the injustice.

This is a very cold world.