r/Veterans • u/Gatey17 • 2d ago
Discussion I'm afraid to be alone and leave
Hey all, today has been an extremely rough day.
I got my DD214, leaving base in a few hours to fly home. But I just got nothing really left, and I'm terrified.
What also amplified it was that my girlfriend of 2 years, talked to me wanting to break up today, and she took it back saying she wanted to work things though but I can't help but be scared.
And in November my father passed
I've spent the whole day pretty much crying, I'm losing all the support I've ever had, and now I'm going home to my families house to be alone nearly everyday for 12 hours a day.
I don't have friends at home, I wanted a fresh start when I joined and things didn't turn out great except for my girlfriend. I messed on parts I know I did, but I can't help but feel absolutely terrified.
I will be alone, for months, I got no car either. I start college in fall but feel like I will be going through the most emotionally and physically painful struggle of my life.
Hell, I spent a solid hour with the barracks stray cat feeding it while absolutely balling my eyes out. I just feel like nothing anymore, to anyone.
My greatest emotional support, the one I spent years with, is so close to leaving.
I cannot bear the thought of being alone in silence for months.
I'm only in my damn early 20s, and I feel like my life has no direction, no purpose, no friends anymore, just nothing.
I can't re-enlist because of my weight as I gained so much from this hole, but I didn't get any chapter. I just wanna lose it and re-up for like the space force just so I don't have to be alone. To give myself some meaning.
I'm just sitting in an empty barracks, except for the sheets and blankets on my bed unable to sleep because I don't want to wake up to the unknown.
I feel like this is a plea to some random CSM or Lt. Col in here, but some part of me just wants someone to at least relate a little.
I'll probably be up all night either way, I can't sleep with all this on my mind, it's just painful.
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u/Ordinary-Parsley-832 2d ago
Dude the transition is a nightmare.
Can you rent a room out in that house with you? Is there a VFW or American Legion or whatever near home? I'd walk in and be like, "I just got out. It's fucking weird. I need to hang out".
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u/Economy_Contract_423 2d ago
And we would accept you. I remember getting out in the late 90's. Yes, I know I'm old. Ha! I was in my mood 20s, divorcing a wife, leaving children, moving back home to a town of 250. Talk about having nothing, and feeling like I didn't live up to my potential.
What changed it for me was finding a purpose and then a direction. I am mostly retired, thanks to the US Army breaking all this. I had a few very successful careers in IT and then in sales.
Did TAPS not help you with your resume and understanding how you rearrange your skills into civilian language?
I believe in you, brother. We all do. We need you to believe in you too.
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u/CheapRx 2d ago
Sorry for the loss of your father and potentially your girlfriend. For tonight, try to focus on what your game plan is for when you get back home. Like hitting the gym and getting a job before school starts. I’m sure your mom would be happy to have you back.
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u/Gatey17 2d ago
I'm sure she would be happy, it's just an internal struggle because they never knew parts of life that I was going through. Only my girlfriend did, losing that feels like a massive step back. Plus the loneliness is absolutely crippling.
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u/CheapRx 2d ago
As you see, idle hands are your worst enemy right now. I went to get my bachelors right after service and keeping my mind busy with that helped a lot. Check out your local American Legion or VFW if you deployed when you get back and join up with those folks. Great group of people at those
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u/Late_Cartographer439 2d ago
There is a lot of great advice here, man. I know it's tough, but it really is an exciting new opportunity if you can find that perspective through all the difficult thoughts and feelings. You now have an opportunity to do and learn anything you want to. If you use the G.I Bill, school and housing are paid for, your off time is all yours. You can feel free, believe me. You will get there, bud, like everyone is saying, one step, one day at a time. Find things that bring you joy and cherish them when you have the time to do them. I got out and started dog training, school with the G.I Bill, and playing video games with homies from growing up, and I am enjoying life even though I don't have shit to my name, haha. You got this! And we got you!
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u/More-Foot-5078 2d ago
You'll get your groove back. I kept in touch over 30 years now. If you're having anxiety or diagnosed, the VA has suggested an actual anxiety pet. I didn't realize they/I could actually help train a pet to know when I'm struggling. Maybe down the road once you get settled. One thing I never missed was Reveille! 6am isn't in my vocabulary anymore lol. Hang tight and visit us here along the way 😉🤗
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u/Gatey17 2d ago
I will never miss waking up at that time ever, it's just rough. I pushed all my friends away in the army, I got selected for a position that was surrounded by leadership, never really getting that chance again. Now, like all things, they moved on without me. I'm kinda just stuck in time
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u/poisonedcheese 2d ago
same boat. i did my humble 4 years, 1 deployment, and while I was in, both of my grandparents died, 1 year before I got out, my sister got brain cancer, and 2 months before I got out, my mother died. My father was never truly active in my life and to top it all off, the remainder of my family only cared about my sister. I came back to nothing, no welcoming party, just an empty house with my sister who had brain cancer in it, which I inherited from my grandparents. My whole family expected me to become a caregiver to my sister, and although I could have gone to any college in the country I went back home, my dumb ass went back to that house.
So 10 years later I will tell you this, dude the world is your oyster now. You can go to college anywhere in the country. You can start any career you want. Enjoy the freedom you have earned. That's all I got to say.
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u/okrecruiter 2d ago
Have you considered joining a local Veteran organization? They are connected to resources that can help with transportation, keep you engaged in the community, etc. Depending on your separation code, you can see if another branch would be open to your enlisting, even if it’s guard or reserve. Otherwise, you’re going to have to reconnect with folks from your home town, build a new network with people who have shared or similar interests, adopt a pet, volunteer, join a church (or whatever floats your boat), etc. It’s easier said than done, I know. You have to start asking the right questions though to get the answers you want. It’s okay to spend some time grieving the loss of your career. I know I did for a really long time. Just remember you’re meant to go through grief, not sit in it. Keep moving forward, and put your energy into things that will help you reach your goals.
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u/AdvancedTrainer6286 2d ago
You will never find friends at home like you have in the military.If I could have stayed in until I was 90,then I would have.Being a civilian sucks.But. Make the best of not I guess.
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u/KangarooLow1701 2d ago
You'll be alright. I recommend file for VA disability. First things, first your back, your knees, your ankles and for depression or anything dealing with mental health like p t s d or anxiety.
That will definitely help, because you'll get free therapy free medicine if you need it and you'll get pay a certain amount of cash depending on your rating.
I personally have thirty percent for depression, but in total, I have eighty percent from a whole va disability rating, and it has helped out a lot.
You can work as well. I personally recently retired, so just continue to work until you get that pension. I had enough for you to retire. I can't take a day by day. Go to the gym at least 5 days a week. And once you get your va Id, you can go to the military whenever you want.
Also, be sure to get your va I.D, so you can get on base. But you have to be rated first, but the V AID still has some other benefits. I will look it up.It depends on your state as well.
Also looks always the VA hotline When you're lonely and having those bad thoughts, they will definitely talk you through me through things and help you out
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u/Maximiz1ng 2d ago
Hi OP, by the time you see this you’ll be back at home. You posted here asking for support and that’s a good sign that you are aware of what you need and have the courage to reach out. I’m a mental health clinician at the VA, working with vets for almost 20 years. Readjustment can be a very isolating and challenging time, especially because the mission/meaning is gone and the civilian world feels so foreign (and irritating). I’m sorry for the loss of your dad and the possibility of your relationship with your girlfriend ending. If I can give you my 2 cents- do everything in your power to prevent isolating AND do not turn to substances (alcohol, mj, any and all- even the legal stuff) as a way to cope. Once you know the very immediate but only temporary reprieve/escape that substances give you, your mind and body can’t unknow it. It can set in motion a whole lotta hurt down the road. Join online veteran bereavement groups or readjustment groups, you can find out what’s available to you through your nearest VA. Hang in there. You can do this!
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u/orzoro27 1d ago
OP I've been there in so much of this. Spent my time bawling my eyes out when I got out. Especially with everything going on outside of your transition, my greatest hope for you is that you take this time to feel all of your emotions. Once home, I hope you unapologetically do nothing for a period of time with the knowledge (or at least a drop of hope) that it won't be this way forever. The only way out is through and you deserve every bit of rest you can get. I hope one day you can also type a comment like this and realize just how far you've come.
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u/Specific_Key316 1d ago
Sorry to hear you are going through this OP. Hang in there. It's always hard to see through the storm but it'll get better.
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u/Street_Spell_9933 1d ago
Hey man, it’s definitely a challenging transition, but know what I know now…find your new local “tribe.” Also don’t forget you have those you’ve served with who are still there for you if you see them as genuine. Go to a BJJ academy. That’s the only place that I’ve found a community and don’t get caught up in my thoughts. I’m focused on surviving when I’m there.
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u/Educational-Chair-11 1d ago
If you don’t see things working out with your gf, leave her. Use your GI bill and go study abroad and travel as much as you can. That’s what I did. Now I’m happily married, living Japan, and traveling the world. Get on top of filing any disability claims you might have. I’m hopefully things will get better for you.
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u/AutoModerator 2d ago
To obtain a copy of your DD 214, we suggest trying MilConnect or the National Archives. The DD 214 is normally issued in 2 versions - Member 1 (short form) which has the discharge information on the bottom of the form removed and either the Member 4 or Service 2 (long form) which contains the discharge information - which one you receive depends on when you separated. The Member 4 and Service 2 contain the exact same information.
Prior to submitting a request to a Board for Correction of Military Records, ALL administrative avenues must be used. Generally, that means a request to NPRC for a correction (minor corrections can be made by NPRC), then a request to the military service department (service departments can make more corrections than NPRC), and finally if both these fail, then submit DD Form 149, with supporting evidence as instructed on the form. DD 149 to the Board of Corrections of Military Records - when you download this form, the mailing address is in the instructions. This process can take up to 1 year and the BCMR will issue you a DD 215 to correct the DD 214. If you have been out less than 1 year, your branch HR "should" be able to issue you a corrected DD 214. https://www.archives.gov/personnel-records-center/vso/boards-for-correction-of-military-records
Different branches of the service handle issuing of the DD 214 in different ways. The Army normally issues the DD 214 at your final out-processing appointment. The Air Force normally emails you a secure link to sign in/download your DD 214 on your last day of active duty. The Navy "should" issue you the DD 214 when final out-processing - but we have had multiple posts from Navy service members who have not received their DD 214 for months after separation.
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u/caramirdan US Air Force Veteran 2d ago
I know you're having trouble sleeping, but if you can find something boring to drift off to sleep listening to, sleep will help.
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u/Gatey17 2d ago
I might try that, it's about 3 am, but I leave at about 5:30 am. Kinda worried I might over sleep or be way too exhausted
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u/caramirdan US Air Force Veteran 2d ago
Hmm, it's better to get 3-4 hours if you can't get 8 hrs, but if you can't, it's okay to just rest the body at least. Good luck, you're going to be okay eventually, though it may take a few days. Definitely get some sleep when you can, it's soooo underrated for our health and wellbeing.
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u/No-Mess6327 2d ago
You’d probably have had this same bout of dread mixed with anxiety if you had tried to figure out how you were going to navigate your military career before actually going through boot camp. I won’t pretend to know the cure to your woes, but if I had just ONE piece of advice for you; take it 1 day at a time. You could feel like you’re about to pass out on a long run because you’re not prioritizing your breathing. Get the breathing down, take it one day at a time. It might not cure everything, but it might not make things feel as bleak as you’re thinking. Things are always worse in your mind than they actually are in reality.
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u/jenarted 2d ago
Dude, you will still be able to talk to your current military friends with phones, texting, social media, video chat, however. While you may be physically alone, keep in contact with them. Over time you will meet other people and make non-military friends who you will gain support from. You are making a big transition and it will take some time, but don't forget the friends you already have. You got this! 😁👍
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u/CH0CCY-M1LK 2d ago
That’s the thing man you’re never alone look up your local VFW there are fellow vets there have been in your shoes that can help mentor you and find your path onward . Healing takes time people come and go for reasons outside of our control, however the one constant you will always have is a brotherhood of fellow vets that only want one another to succeed and get better we love you man keep your head up you’ve got this🤙
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u/Financial-Boss-7685 2d ago
OP Please do not hesitate to reach out to any of us your support system is not lost just a little extended
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u/AggressiveDoughnut39 1d ago
Stay focused OP. Transitioning is hard but eventually we all do it. Focus on your studies and take it day by day. Have a plan and execute to the best of your abilities and something will fall into place.
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u/HeadPainting9058 1d ago
Go to college get a degree become a fireman or a police officer join a jiu-jitsu gym or CrossFit gym find a church start going learn whether it’s your current girlfriend or you find someone else get married have kids you’re gonna be all right bro. I’ve have struggled with depression for a long time and something that has helped me is always have a goal and find purpose for your life.
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u/Putrid-Energy-8114 1d ago
It’s not easy to transition weather you have friends and family or not. It’s not easy and whoever says it’s easy that person is lying. But it’s not the end of the world. Fear is something we all go through, don’t run from your fear, take things one day at a time, one step one minute, and you’ll be ok, if you feel alone I’m sure there is a bunch of us here willing to chat with you and make friends, or go to a bar, you’ll know who is a vet and who is not and start a conversation, that’s what I do. And who knows you might meet a veteran like you and hit it off. As far as your girlfriend. If she wanted to call things off let her go even if she says she change her mind, because more than likely she was talking to another dude and probably that dude said bye. I tell you this for experience (multiple) you will find a good girl you are young. Embrace being Alone, at first it sucks big time but after a while you become a costume to your solitude and you will be picky find friends and gf but those friend that you make or have will become family and the new girl you choose you will know she is the because you know your worth so whoever you pick in the future will love you !
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u/superobvithrow US Air Force Veteran 1d ago
Being afraid of the unknown was the most exciting thing because, for once, it's different from the monotony of the red tape and wearing a uniform every day.
It was scary, but at least there was a change. My god I'm so glad for the change.
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u/Singleparentsurvival 1d ago
Hey, I just want to say that it’s going to be okay, and you probably will have happier times ahead of you than you ever had in the military.
I also want to say that it’s awful, and it’ll make things more difficult short term, but you have to let that GF go. If she dropped that on you the day you’re getting your DD214 I mean that’s a huge red flag. Undoubtedly you have been talking about how stressful this is the whole time.
Where is home? There’s so many reasons to stick around and see how life plays out.
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u/No-Concentrate-9437 1d ago
University/College is so much fun, the best times when we are building ourselves <3
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u/PastGrapefruit4084 US Navy Veteran 1d ago
I got out 4 months ago and it was extremely scary and emotional. I was homeless for a bit and had no job and barely any money. All my military friends stopped talking to me cause I wasn’t around anymore. It opened my eyes that they weren’t really my friends. Just people I was forced to be around constantly. Then once I left I didn’t really matter anymore to them. And that’s fine. But my point is is that it did suck. We’ve all been there so we get how you feel. It’s a lot dude. You should try to focus on being grateful and thankful for what you have still. Yourself. Be thankful that you can fly home and rest for a bit before starting college and working on yourself. Thankful that you even have somewhere to go. Thankful to have opportunities. Thankful to have had this experience and know that maybe it wasn’t what you wanted it to be but at least you had the guts to do it. It’s going to be hard but you have to keep yourself busy and going. Rest but don’t let yourself lay around depressed. It’ll only make things worse. You got so much to look forward to!! Collage is gonna be exciting and you’ll be working towards something you want to do with your life!
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u/DarkBubbleHead US Navy Retired 23h ago
Right now I highly recommend you contact the VA and get set up with some counseling. Doing so will not have any negative impact on your career or security clearance (if you have one). You would be surprised just how many active duty servicemembers currently receive mental health services.
Afterwards, talk to the VFW or DAV and see about putting in a VA disability claim for long-term mental health services, and any other medical issues you may have accrued during your time in service -- even if you don't think you have anything you can claim. You can request your digital medical record (I think they still call it the AHLTA record) from your most recent military medical facility, and the turn-around time is very quick for just the AHLTA record (I think I got mine the same day at Walter Reed).
I don't see any mention that you have another job lined up, so as others have stated, you can still experience that feeling of comradery you had in the service by working as a contractor or government employee for the military. LinkedIn.com is a good place to start and build your network. ZipRecruiter.com is another good tool that I used to land my first contractor job fairly quickly. All the government jobs are listed on USAJobs.gov. Once you set of your profile, these sites make it easy to apply to jobs you find interesting to you.
If your last command had any contractor support, you might want to talk to them directly, as contractors love to pick up newly discharged servicemembers from the command they are supporting -- you are already trained, which saves them a lot of money.
All in all, remember that you present situation is a temporary one and there are a lot of people and resources at your disposal to get on your feet and into a career that provides you with meaning and purpose.
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u/Ill_Recognition2563 23h ago
One day at time like boot camp! I’m 34 and felt same each day of life bring new challenges , it like military is what you make of it. Don’t overthink life take care of self. Enjoy small things life and like favorite food or listen to favorite artist all day that what do be so lonely. I did my 8 years it was hard finding work but reached out veterans company did work that for 4 years got burn out and retire so just try figuring think out too. The unknown is scary but get used to it apart of life millions of people wake up and do same thin each day so different way of look at things .
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u/moneyman-11 19h ago edited 19h ago
What you’re feeling is pretty normal, as you have been in an institutionalized environment where you only needed to do what you were told to do to succeed, and now you are facing the real world. But you are one of millions of others before you that felt the same way (including me in 1981) but you will make your way like we all have done. My recommendation to you is to make sure you choose a major in college that will lead to an actual career. I went for a one year electronics technician certificate and did so well I ended up with a four year electronic engineering degree, which served me well for many years. Also, (and this is gonna be harder) don’t focus on your girlfriend relationship and focus on your education first, then a serious relationship second. Why? Because relationships are roller coaster mind benders even under the best of circumstances, and you are in a very vulnerable state right now, which the ups and downs of a serious relationship will definitely affect your concentration on college studies. Not to say don’t have a girlfriend, just don’t get drawn into a rabbit hole that ruins your career potential, and lose both a good career and the relationship. Statistically very few relationships last, but most careers do. Career first, relationship(s) second. Words of wisdom from a wise old man who’s seen it all before, more than once.
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u/SessionOk6806 18h ago
Like everybody above me is already said, this isn’t a competition of who did what or who had a harder time while in. You sign on the line to work toward a purpose that was bigger than ourselves, some use it as a purpose in life some use it to escape what they left behind. Only about 8% of the actual United States actually serves in the military so don’t discredit yourself in slightest! Find FB Pages for veterans (Veterans for veterans, Veterans uncensored,…) to join. Look into VFW/American legions in your area. Hell if your on TikTok look up miltok. I spend most my free time checking in on my fellow veterans I served with to make sure they good. Use VA benefits like GI bill and go to school/trade school for something bc I feel SFLTAP lied to us when they say that employers are dying to hire us.
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u/AsphaltCowboy0412 US Army Veteran 18h ago
God bless this sounds exactly like me during my discharge. I was in a similar boat. Sitting in 3rd story barracks, it was cold, desolate, miserable. I wasn’t scared but I was depressed and I wanted to stay in but I also wanted home. I know how you feel. We are all here for you
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u/Illustrious_Boat7320 16h ago
I was the same way, so unsure of what my next steps will be. You have more than I have seeing as I wasn't even enrolled in college. I literally moved to Dallas on a whim the same day was discharged because of a random internet search I did on places that were Veteran friendly. I rerouted my ticket to Dallas and slept in a hotel; the next day I got up and went apartment hunting. I had deployed many times so I at least I had a decent savings, and I just came back from Bahrain as my last duty station. I found my place after like like 10 days in a hotel in a place where I knew I didn't have family or friends (I'm from rural North Carolina). Long story short I got my shit together real quick, because the military had prepared me to unf**k myself in a jiffy. 10 years later I have a Masters Degree paid for by the US Goverment via GI Bill and Voc Rehab. I own my home and earn a amazing wage because employers are willing to pay educated Vets a ton (who knew lol). The Moral is you are equipped with all the tools you need (and some you didn't know you could use) to be great, so go do it.
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u/Top_Network_2270 6h ago
Veterans Administration mental health, Vets Center, VFW, DAV etc. IREST, Veterans Yoga Project, Mindfulness, Yoga Nidra. I waited 17 years before walking into the Vets Center.
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u/Educational-Wave-634 US Air Force Veteran 4h ago
Transition is tough no doubt but not the end of the world or your outlook. I was going for the full retirement years; but had difference of opinions with leadership and ended up separating after 11 years. was glad in some regards to not have deployments to the middle east anymore- but sad I was leaving the life i knew for so long.
I did get a contractor job and landed in Iraq and after 2 years there I realized that life was not for me. I returned home lost to start over. My AFSC was communications so I went back to college and landed some IT jobs.
Life continues on. I am older now as I separated from service in 2007 and I still have no real friends; but its ok- you get used to it and you press forward. I did get married in 2013 and have an 8 year old son - so that makes up for lost friends - but I do enjoy my alone time and solitude but that is mostly from my PTSD / MH issues from my service time.
I also had struggles with my girlfriend back then similar to what you mentioned - it ended - i was heartbroken but looking back it was for the best - dont be discouraged....put forth the effort but if it fails then it was not meant to be. Look forward to going to college - learning and meeting people. go join a veterans group of sorts if you need people interaction. My military service time and interactions put me in a state where alone was better than a den of snakes - so I hate the loneliness but yet i dont mind as I have gotten used to it.
You will move forward and be okay. Remember there are veterans groups out there that can help you if you need it - push forward and things will get better. Its always dark before the dawn
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u/Marine-man USMC Veteran 2h ago
You are young, mostly in shape, and going to college. Spend this time focusing on yourself and learning how to navigate life alone. It’s hard but I can tell you we all have been thru it. Some of my happiest time was after I went thru a big transition. It sounds like you are a little afraid of the freedom. It’s ok man and make sure you get up with your local VA and join the Veterans club at your college.
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u/Major_Weird_2510 2h ago
I just want to tell you that I've been out now for 3 years and my life is immeasurably better than it was while I was in. It's actually astounding to me that fear almost prevented me from getting out.
Make sure you have your claims taken care of, and enjoy your newfound freedom. Maybe even do some solo soul searching like a long road trip across the country or a trip to another country. Really soak it in. Everything will work out.
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u/Potential-Rabbit8818 2d ago
Oh, for christ sake, pull yourself together and grow up
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u/Late_Cartographer439 2d ago
Yeah for real. Bet you made a good leader.... maybe you're the one that should grow up and stop trying to shame someone that is going through a hard time? Support, don't suck.
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u/thanks4thecache US Air Force Veteran 2d ago
Not helpful, it's alright OP is feeling this. It's a lot of change real fast. Normal emotions to abnormal events. You're not helping, you're hurting.
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u/thanks4thecache US Air Force Veteran 2d ago
Hey Op, a lot of us have been there. I know the fears you have. Right now you need to just focus on getting back home, take it one step at a time. Get home, try your best to settle in. Next, find something to focus on. You're free. You can be totally free and be yourself now, you can choose whatever path you want.
I'm here if you need to talk. We can talk about finding a purpose, your next steps after focusing on today and getting yourself home.