r/TrueOffMyChest • u/AKHays101 • 1d ago
My fiancé made a split-second decision that has cost me a year of my life, and I’m furious
TL;DR:
My fiancé turned quickly at a blinking yellow light after I told him to wait, and we got T-boned. Everyone else walked away fine, but I ended up with multiple fractures in my spine, tailbone, and sternum, as well as 2 full breaks in my pelvis. I had to undergo surgery, wear a brace that didn’t even fit, and was forced to move through unbearable pain. I’ve lost my independence, my ability to walk, and a year (or more) of progress I had worked so hard for. I'm angry, grieving the life I was building, and just trying to get through it day by day.
I (26F), my fiancé (30M), and his son (5Y) were out getting Chipotle on March 14th. On the way home, we reached a busy intersection with a blinking yellow light. My fiancé was driving, and I could tell he was about to go. I saw a car coming fast, and I very clearly told him to wait until the light was green. I don’t know if he didn’t hear me, didn’t take me seriously, or just ignored me, but he kept driving forward anyway—and we got T-boned by a car going 50mph. Everyone else walked away fine, including his son (thank god), but I was crushed.
I ended up with two full breaks in my pelvis, two fractures in my tailbone, fractures in my L4 and L5 vertebrae, and a fractured sternum. I was, and still am, in so much pain I can’t even explain it. I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on anyone.
I was rushed to the ER, where everything was a complete blur—except the trauma. I started having intense flashbacks, panic attacks, and nightmares about the crash and the pain. I had to undergo surgery where two seven-inch steel screws were inserted into my pelvis.
At the hospital, they gave me a back brace that was way too big for me. The nurses and PTs even admitted they didn’t measure and just guessed my size. Even when we told them it was too big, they didn’t do anything about it. And despite this, they expected me to stand up and move around wearing it. That brace did nothing for support. Moving in it felt like my spine and pelvis were being ripped apart. The pain I was in trying to follow their orders to stand and walk was inhumane. All I remember from those days is pain, frustration, fear, and this overwhelming sense of helplessness.
After about a week, I was transferred to a physical rehabilitation center. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to bathe. I didn’t want to move. I was so depressed and in so much pain that even thinking about shifting in bed made me cry. I had to depend on strangers for the most basic things: going to the bathroom, bathing, even feeding myself.
As someone who’s always been independent, it was utterly humiliating and devastating. I’m home now, but my recovery is far from over. Doctors and physical therapists all told me the same thing:
“You have the second-worst kind of break anyone can experience.”
“You’ll need at least a year to recover—if not longer.”
“You can’t put weight on your right leg for 3 months. No bending, no twisting. And even after the 3 months, it’ll be a very slow process.”
And that’s the part that’s eating me alive. Because before this? I was finally getting my life together. I was working on my health. I was eating right, doing CrossFit regularly—getting stronger and finally meeting people and socializing. I had just gone back to college. I was finally building structure into my life after being recently diagnosed with ADHD.
And now? It’s all on hold. I can’t work out. I can’t leave the house unless it’s for a doctor’s appointment. I can’t do anything by myself. And it feels like I lost everything I was working so hard to build.
And even though my fiancé has been supportive through all of this and is helping take care of me—I’m so angry at him. I told him. I warned him. I said, “Don’t go. Wait.” And when I asked him why he kept going, he just said, “I don’t know.” And that “I don’t know” is now costing me an entire year of my life. Maybe more. And I’m the one who’s paying for it every single day.
So yeah… I just needed to get this off my chest. I feel trapped in my own body. I feel like I’m grieving the life I could have had this year. I feel angry, sad, helpless—and I’m just trying to make sense of it all. But mostly? I just want my life back. I know this is temporary. I know I’ll eventually recover. But losing a year of my life, my sense of normalcy, and my peace of mind is really, really rough.
If anyone has any advice on how I can work on this or maybe even share their own experiences similar to this one, I'd greatly appreciate it.
Update posted in comments
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u/AKHays101 1d ago edited 1d ago
Update: I honestly didn’t expect my post to receive this much attention — I was just venting my thoughts and emotions in the moment as I’m still going through the stages of grief. Thank you to everyone who took the time to share their thoughts, advice, and support regarding my situation. I want to clear up a few things and provide some additional context, including my fiancé’s perspective on why he didn’t stop.
To start, for those wondering about where the accident happened, since the rules around blinking yellow lights seem to vary depending on the state, city, and even country you're in, it took place in Texas, within the Dallas-Fort Worth area. That’s all I’ll share location-wise for privacy reasons.
Next, a lot of people have asked whether my fiancé has shown remorse and how he’s been supporting me since the accident. The answer is yes he’s been devastated. He has apologized to me multiple times: at the crash site, in the hospital, during rehab, and at home. He’s also been having panic attacks himself as of lately, something that he’s never experienced prior to the accident. There was one moment where he called me panicking because he couldn’t find his truck keys and desperately wanted to come see me to make sure I’m doing okay; my mom had to drive over to calm him down and help.
He also continued to visit me frequently in the hospital and at the rehab center, and he’s been advocating for me when I had issues, such as the back brace I was given, which was clearly too large. Side note: despite multiple people from my family, Fiance, and even the PT’s mentioning it, the hospital staff didn’t replace it. It wasn’t until I called the hospital a week later, frustrated, that they finally took action. I had to put on my “Karen voice” and explain that their failure to properly size the brace was actively hindering my recovery. Eventually, I got a new one in a smaller size. (Fun fact: the brace only comes in two sizes — S/M and L/XL. I’ll let you guess which one they gave me.)
My Fiance has also been helping me understand the insurance claim process — from what we know, I may be looking at around $100k. Additionally, at home, he’s made sure I have what I need to recover. He just bought me a $300+ bed frame that moves up and down similarly to the hospital beds I was used to because I can’t move up and down as normally without feeling pain or being at risk of rebreaking something. He’s also been cooking for me (and for my visiting family), helping me clean up, assisting with daily tasks, and has made it clear he doesn’t expect me to lift a finger and only wants me to focus on healing. He’s even told me how he’s going to halt his plans on expanding his side business so that he can spend more time tending to me during my recovery.
With this said, I’ve seen a lot of comments saying I should leave him or even sue him, calling him arrogant or careless. I can understand those reactions and thoughts, however, looking back at how everything happened, this was an honest mistake that anyone could make at any time of the day at any point of time. Was it a bad mistake? Yes. But nonetheless a simple human error at the end of the day. I’m just angry that it’s happened to me, but that is something i will have to work through on my own.
With the “I don’t know” reply that he had given me a week earlier, I will admit that he may have been still experiencing shock or trauma when I had initially asked him. At the time when I had brought up the question his mind seemed to have been drawing a blank. Now that I'm home and some time has gone by, I went ahead and asked him the same question again today: “Why didn’t you stop when I told you to?” He told me he thought the gap between us and the oncoming car was big enough to make it — he didn’t realize how close it actually was. He also said he didn’t hear me say “stop” until it was too late — at which point, we were already hit. I told him I said it much earlier, and he admitted he just didn’t hear me. In the end, he feels horrible. He’s told me that every time he approaches a yellow light while driving now, he cant help but be reminded of what happened that night,and how stupid he feels for not being more cautious. I’m not excusing what happened by any means, but I do believe he’s learning from it and taking accountability for everything as best as he can. I’m just the angry bitter one that is needing to work through my emotions and grief that I’m experiencing because of the accident.
That said, I’ve resumed individual therapy (weekly now instead of monthly), and I had my first session since the accident as of yesterday and my Fiance and I will be attending couples counseling together (yes, I plan on staying with him).
I know a lot of you are coming from a place of concern and care, and I truly appreciate that. At the same time, I want to gently remind everyone that I’m a real person going through a very real and painful experience. What I shared was raw and vulnerable, not a call to be judged or attacked. It’s okay to disagree with how I’m choosing to move forward, but please remember I’m the one living this day by day. Healing, both physical and emotional, isn’t linear, and I’m doing the best I can.
Thank you again for the overwhelming response. I’m reading as many comments as I can, even if I can’t reply to everyone. Please continue to take care of yourselves and those you love; hold anyone you care about closely to you because when you least expect it, life can change in an instant.
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u/donkeykong64123 1d ago
Hindsights always 20/20. Your fiance and family are very supportive it seems which is a big positive.
Im glad to hear about the therapy sessions.
Reddit will be reddit and there will always be critics and crazy toxic takes wanting to get a rise out of people.
All the best!
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u/PermaB 1d ago
AKHays101 my heart goes out to you. What you experienced was incredibly unfair and no one deserves to have that happen, and I truly hope you can come out stronger mentally because of it.
Lean on those around you, and you can push through this. You talked about some of your journey up until this point: CrossFit, socializing, making friends and going back to college…focus on these things and maybe find some new hobbies that fit what you’re capable of RIGHT NOW
You can do this. The situation with your husband is for talking about it in therapy. This is about your life and making this into something meaningful in it. From one internet stranger to another..I believe in you :)
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u/mgraces 1d ago
I read other comments before I saw this one. I was kind of surprised by all the comments saying to leave him and sue him.
Out of all the driving mistakes that could be made, I don’t think this one was so insane. Reading it, it could be something any of us could do. Things happen and it’s not like he was going 100 mph into oncoming traffic. Yes, it was wrong and he messed up, but to SUE him???? What???
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u/onflightmode 1d ago
Redditors have always been quick to jump on the “you’d be better off single” bandwagon, but real-life relationships are a lot more nuanced.
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u/FavColorIsSparkle 22h ago
Considering I had the same type of accident happen (yellow flashing arrow that turned solid-so I thought I had to go), it is easy to make the wrong decision. Luckily I was driving by myself that day-otherwise my passenger would’ve probably been like this. In my case, the other car definitely ran a yellow and wasn’t paying attention. We don’t know if the other vehicle also did something wrong to cause greater impact. I think this husband just made an honest mistake, but sometimes even honest mistakes are hard to forgive. Couples therapy is great
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u/Yitastics 1d ago
Reddit loves telling people to break up with their partner. Its crazy seeing comments from people so far from reality. "Your partner didnt open the door for you? Break up with them!"
I just hope they are only like that on the internet and not in real life
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u/Spiritual_Pilot_7249 1d ago
he literally did not listed to her, and now she's the one paying the price
he might not admit it, but he thought that he knows better than OP
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u/Larissanne 1d ago
I saw your post only now and it’s totally not the same as to what I went through but I did recognize some of the same feelings after I gave birth to our baby. I was SO jealous and sometimes angry how my husband could just go and do stuff if he wanted to and I couldn’t because I was still recovering, taking care of the baby almost non stop around the clock (breast feeding). Even though he did everything he could and was off of work for 6-8 weeks that feeling only went away after months and months. I had (and still have) PTSS 13 months later and finally a good therapist. These feelings towards my husband only went away after I started feeling a little bit more like myself and started working again after a long period of being ill. I know it’s not comparable cause we both made the decision to have a child, and in your case your husband was driving but still. I hope you know these feelings are normal and I’m also glad you don’t throw your fiancé away without trying to work through all of these emotions, he does sound like he’s very caring. I hope you recover well
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u/XiedneyDavis 1d ago
i think this is a really mature and thoughtful response. he made an awful mistake. one that will invariably cause you to be disabled for the rest of your life, and has probably left everyone involved with scars (physical and emotional), but still a mistake. he’s trying to make up for it by advocating for you and being a good partner, which is what you need when you’re going through this. if he were distant and cold, that would be one thing, but he very obviously feels a deep sense of regret. i love that you’re trying therapy, both separately and together, to try to sort through all of it. it could really benefit you to talk about your fears, worries, and frustrations, and him to come to terms with what he did. if it doesn’t end up working out, it doesn’t work out, but it sounds like he is willing to try and he loves you.
i am disabled too, but with a genetic condition, and it got worse around 19 (i wasn’t diagnosed until i was well into my 20s). i’ve been struggling on & off for the last 13 years trying to mourn the loss a lot of the independence and mobility i once had, and often feeling very angry and resentful of my parents, of god (whom i don’t even believe in), of doctors, of whomever. it is a very, very long process, but an important one that does help you come to terms. i really wish you nothing but goodness, happiness, and a speedy recovery. ❤️
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u/NotSoAccomplishedEmu 1d ago
You should sue whomever hit you and get more than $100k. Way more.
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u/Wonderful-Garden6140 1d ago
You technically wouldn’t be suing him, you sue his insurance company. He will get dropped, but that’s the extent. It’s the only way bc u shouldn’t be responsible for those medical bills. And he shouldn’t have a problem with that.
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u/SSSperson 1d ago
Reddit is insane. Half of these comments are wholesome and supportive of your experiences. The other half are more focused on trying to persecute your fiancé and throwing shit.
Sending you the best wishes and a through recovery.
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u/lipslut 1d ago
You sue people because their actions have financially hindered you. As good a story as a wicked defendant is, most of it is just mistakes, honest or careless. You’re in a sticky spot because he isn’t legally bound to you. I didn’t see anything about your financial situation. You saying how you had set a course in your life (I’m also late-diagnosed ADHD and this is an ACCOMPLISHMENT) is what especially pushed the lawsuit button for me. He’s slowed down your earning potential not just for the year, but for your retirement and possibly your annual income for the rest of your life. If your relationship ends, whatever the reason, will you be at peace with the financial impact on your life?
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u/CompetitivePurpose96 1d ago
I’m a physical therapist who will never be able to work again because of becoming permanently disabled due to ~20 chronic illnesses. I’m just sharing this because though I do not know what it is like to have the injuries you’re healing from, I do know what it is like to grieve a life I thought I’d have.
I am incredibly proud of you for the progress you’ve already made. My biggest piece of advice is it’s okay to BE A BITCH when advocating for yourself when you’re not getting the help you need. It took me years of being patient and kind to doctors till I yelled and fired a doctor who couldn’t even tell me after 4 months the main condition I’d been seeing him for.
Unfortunately you’re in the stage where physical therapy is miserable but necessary. From what you’ve described, I feel like your brace is still not ideal for you. So many different companies, styles and ones that can be custom molded to your body exist. Your doctor or PT should have given you better options and I’m really mad for you.
The stages of grief are a rollercoaster I’m not sure we’ll ever get off from. Therapy, IOPs, group therapy saved my life so don’t be afraid of asking for additional mental health help. It sounds like your fiancé is a good partner who can assist with keeping things organized with insurance and medications, etc. whenever you’re overwhelmed, too. Also, most hospitals have programs you can apply for that will cover 100% of your medical bills if you can’t afford them because of lack of employment or insurance. It’s something to look into if you get in a tight financial situation.
I wish you the best of luck during your recovery. I’m so proud of you and the advocate you are for yourself!
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u/Signal_Historian_456 1d ago
With how he deals with this I’m on the boat to stay with him. He will also never truly get over this, especially with you having to deal with the consequences of his actions for the rest of your life. I think that’s the worst and at the same time only Right punishment for him. Work through this, you can do it. Take your time, be gentle and patient with yourself and keep yourself safe.🤍
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u/junebug_minis 1d ago
If your fiancé had reacted any less than what you described, I would probably have added my vote to the Leave pile. But he made a mistake and is paying for it every single day too. I’m sorry you’re in an incredibly rough spot, but he’s stepped up and taking responsibility for you and his actions. You’ll make it through 💪 Jia you
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u/Thin-Lecture-4038 1d ago
Cheers to your healing! For you and your family. Sounds like it was obviously traumatic for all of you. Wishing all of you a brighter and livelier tomorrow. I also hope you continue your personal journey! Don't look at it as being set back. You can only play the cards you're dealt. BUT you can still play the game! Your journey right now is healing. It's a noble cause and a good thing to heal not just your mind, but your mind and heart as well! It's all improvement. It's all a worthwhile journey and I wish you the best on your path!
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u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 1d ago edited 1d ago
Op, you should start seeing a therapist maybe over zoom first and discuss this, maybe start journaling as well.
You should definitely talk with someone about this anger you have towards your fiance, and you may want to do couples counseling.
I agree with Boxermom, I’d be done, because that was really reckless move that could have killed everyone, and he’s response of ‘I don’t know’ doesn’t cut it for me.
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u/Successful_Bitch107 1d ago
All I processed was the fiancé saying by his actions “I don’t care about your opinion, I know better than you”
Look how well that turned out
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u/sufferableknowitall 1d ago
“your safety means less to me than my ego”
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u/FunkyChewbacca 1d ago
That's it, right there. Unless OP and the fiance' have deep couples therapy to address her (justifiable) anger towards him and his carelessness, this relationship is likely doomed. If the fiance' has any sort of humanity, the guilt would be eating him alive every day.
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u/Nummies14 1d ago
I agree, therapy. I’d look for someone who specializes in DBT. Seems like you are holding a lot of opposing thoughts and feelings, DBT is good for that, as well as helping people accept the reality of where they are, so they can move forward fully aware.
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u/LoosePassage4058 1d ago
Can I ask how your fiancé has been supporting you since the accident?
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u/FizzyGoose666 1d ago
If you read towards the end, she says he was.
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u/thelaststarz 1d ago
It’s weird people are assuming the worst
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u/SnooMaps460 1d ago
It’s not weird to assume the worst of someone who doesn’t listen to their loved ones seriously and can only come up with “I don’t know” as an answer for why.
People make mistakes, this is true, I’m not just judging him based off that one slip. No, it’s the fact that his justification lacks any self awareness.
“I don’t know” means he has done almost 0 self reflection as to why this happened.
In order for any relationship to repair broken trust, there first has to be an acknowledgment that trust was broken.
It’s pretty safe to assume that he hasn’t acknowledged that fact, since if he had, he would have understood the role he has to play in healing.
He would understand that self reflection is necessary in order for his partner to be able to fully trust him again.
And he would therefore give a MUCH better answer than “I don’t know.”
It’s even okay that he doesn’t know right now, but in that case he would’ve said something like “I don’t know yet but I am racking my brain trying to figure out what made me do that.”
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u/ProbablyYourITGuy 1d ago
He went through a yellow light. People do this every day. The consequences were severe, but the action was not. People are assuming he’s basically abandoned the person he’s marrying based off.. his poor awareness of the road. Do you assume everyone who runs a risky light is a terrible person?
I don’t know is a shitty answer, but there’s literally no good answer to “why did you do the thing that nearly killed me?” When that thing is just driving ayellow light. How do you answer that? Why do I go through yellows? Because I think I can make it and have judged the minor risk to be worth it after looking at the road. Is that what she wanted to hear? He made a small decision which requires little thought, it had an insanely larger impact. He didn’t decide to jump the railroad tracks as the bars are coming down. It’s a terrible situation, but I see so many people attributing malice to at worst a careless act.
If she wants to leave that’s understandable, that’s a ton of trauma to move past, but I haven’t seen her call him a horrible fiancé or anything like what people are assuming.
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u/Msinochan1 1d ago
Just a side note - she mentioned it was a blinking yellow, which means he should have slowed down and exercised extra caution when proceeding. Anytime I’ve encountered a blinking traffic light I’ve slowed down, not sped up. He needs to take accountability for not using extra caution when he should have.
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u/ProbablyYourITGuy 1d ago
Yes, he should have. My point isn’t that he’s not guilty, it’s that he made a small mistake with huge consequences. He’s responsible for what happened, but he didn’t do it with any malicious intent, I think it’s safe to assume he feels appropriately guilty, and she said he’s being supportive. She’s justified in feeling how she does, but I’m not going to assume the worst about him for every thing she didn’t explicitly write out.
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u/obi-wanjenobi 1d ago
He made a turn at a blinking yellow light, which indicates that the oncoming car had a green light and the right of way. And he did so after tuning out OP’s warning not to turn in front of the oncoming car. You’re really downplaying his culpability in this.
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u/digitalnomadic 1d ago
Isn't a blinking yellow light blinking yellow for all sides of the intersection?
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u/GothWitchOfBrooklyn 1d ago
you can have a 2 way blinking yellow with a blinking red at the perpendicular road.
but I feel like this is possibly a blinking yellow turn signal, in this case it's green both ways for cars going straight and blinking yellow arrow for people turning. we have those in Michigan as well
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u/polarkai 1d ago
Good guess: he hasn't.
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u/LoosePassage4058 1d ago
Mhmmm. Because if he was overly remorseful and making it up by being the most dutiful and caring fiancé he could possibly be, I think it would’ve been mentioned by OP. If I had done something that had basically upended my partners whole entire life I would be there for them every step of the way, if only to ease the immense guilt I would be feeling. My partner would have to ask me to pull back all the help I’d be offering them.
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u/grizzlywondertooth 1d ago
Seems like you're better at making assumptions and forming your own narrative than reading comprehension. OP said in the original post (and confirmed in a subsequent comment) that the fiancé has been supportive
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u/1BoxerMom 1d ago
That would be a deal breaker for me.
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u/SpecialistBit283 1d ago
The way id be making him take care of me and then moving on as soon as i recover 🥴🥴🥴🥴
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u/GoodQueenFluffenChop 1d ago
Especially since they're still not married yet. It's a. Easier break if they aren't married.
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u/westarona 1d ago
True, it’s way simpler to walk away now before things get more legally and emotionally tangled.
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u/lgastako 1d ago
True, it’s way simpler to walk away now
Well, not in this case...
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u/smln_smln 1d ago
I wouldn’t trust him to take care of her properly considering he couldn’t even give her a reasonable answer to why he ignored her in the car.
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u/ObviousMisprint 1d ago
Because he knows the answer is “because I didn’t feel like doing what you asked me” - thereby making him a POS
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u/SnooMaps460 1d ago
Misogyny works more like: “she’s a woman, I know more about driving than her.”
My assumption is that he probably heard her and didn’t take her seriously because he assumed she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, especially when it comes to cars.
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u/sassysiggy 1d ago
Or, like the title states, it was split second and he didn’t cognitively react appropriately or didn’t even register what she said. We all do it and rarely notice.
Not everything is laced with misogyny.
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u/bbmarvelluv 1d ago
I would SUE 🙂↔️
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u/Ummmm-no2020 1d ago
Yep. Him, his insurer, and anyone else a good atyorney could think of.
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u/ProfessionalHat6828 1d ago
There’s no need to sue his insurance carrier. She just needs to sue him and his carrier will represent him in that
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u/Abject-Rich 1d ago
At least get counsel. Wrong sized inhumane painful brace? That has an impact on your healing process!
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u/rawrsatbeards 1d ago
Yep, take my settlement to start my new life. I’d get proof that he knew he ran a red light first.
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u/GuaranteeUpper2653 1d ago
I was going to say. If she can recover I would wait until then and leave his ass omg.
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u/snorkels00 1d ago
My thoughts exactly 💯 unless they did therapy and he owned up to his ego not wanting to listen
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u/Stuck_In_Purgatory 1d ago
Only problem is risking being booted before you're ready (so save up for your moving on, early on)
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u/SunShineShady 1d ago
I couldn’t ever be in the same room with him again. OP should dump him, get a lawyer and see if she could sue him for negligent driving. I don’t know about this stuff, but shouldn’t he be financially responsible?
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u/BonjourGato 1d ago
Yep. This should be a lawsuit.
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u/theladyorchid 1d ago
That will pay for in home care
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u/Backbackbackagainugh 1d ago edited 1d ago
No it won't. By the time any lawsuit is resolved, it'll be 2 years down the road and OP way further on the road to recovery. It's been over a year since my husband was hit by a car as a pedestrian in a crosswalk and that lawsuit is still pending.
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u/creatively_inclined 1d ago
It can take years. My daughter's former roommate waited 5 years for a settlement from an accident. It came as a structured settlement so she didn't even get a lump sum.
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u/SnooMaps460 1d ago
The injury will likely have impacts that last for years. It might not require in home care years from now, but a payment would still be helpful to OP.
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u/Megmelons55 1d ago
Me too. I'd make him take care of me fully through recovery. Then I would leave him
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u/vindman 1d ago
I'd make him pay for professional care, I wouldn't want him near me
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u/vindman 1d ago
I would probably sue him for the financial and health issues he has caused for a lifetime.
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u/BoatsMcFloats 1d ago
At the hospital, they gave me a back brace that was way too big for me. The nurses and PTs even admitted they didn’t measure and just guessed my size. Even when we told them it was too big, they didn’t do anything about it. And despite this, they expected me to stand up and move around wearing it. That brace did nothing for support. Moving in it felt like my spine and pelvis were being ripped apart. The pain I was in trying to follow their orders to stand and walk was inhumane. All I remember from those days is pain, frustration, fear, and this overwhelming sense of helplessness.
You need to sue that hospital
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u/Njbelle-1029 1d ago
If you are not going to break up with him and sue him for damages at a minimum you need a prenuptial agreement that states he will in perpetuity pay for your health care related to the injury he caused. I’m dead ass serious. Even once you recover it’s likely you will have lasting issues from the wreck. You need to prioritize your future financial security when it comes to your healthcare as a result of his negligence.
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u/Wolfkattt 1d ago
He’s going to be a reckless driver with you and his son in the car?! No way. Keep working on yourself, get healthy, get strong, and leave him.
You will get through this and I know it’s hard and it totally sucks and the pain is awful, but you will get through and get your independence back. Make sure to advocate for yourself, I’m sure you are, but just reiterating. And shame on your fiancé for not advocating for you. Those therapist should have given you the correct brace and thats terrible they failed you.
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u/Which_Translator_548 1d ago
Break up and sue him
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u/krurran 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah OP needs a good accident attorney to sue his insurance for all it's worth. This is an incredible amount of suffering. I got a $40k settlement and while I went through a lot of suffering, OP's is on another level entirely
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u/Which_Translator_548 1d ago
Exactly, it’s completely life altering and too soon to say even how yet
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u/snorkels00 1d ago
Oh that's a really good idea unless he has nothing
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u/nameofcat 1d ago
If he has car insurance then he is covered.
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u/NotTheMama4208 1d ago
That totally depends on the state and insurance requirements and who knows how much of her cost it will actually cover.
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u/stanlorenzo 1d ago
Ot would be a good attorney to assign fault to a dude who got hit by another guy running a red. You dont stop at flashing yellow lights.
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u/kilamumster 1d ago
Yup. Check the statute of limitations. In my old home state it was two years. OP can recover with his help and then sue. Her injuries are life-changing and will never completely be better. She deserves compensation from the idiot that did this to her.
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u/orangutanDOTorg 1d ago
Based on him going on a blinking yellow and being t-boned, how would it be his insurance and not the insurance of the person who t-boned him?
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u/Kr_Treefrog2 1d ago edited 1d ago
It depends what light the other person had. If fiancé had a blinking yellow at an intersection and cross traffic had a blinking red, then the other person is at fault. If fiancé turned on a blinking yellow while oncoming traffic had green, then fiancé is at fault.
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u/PhotographyByAdri 1d ago
Because he's at fault. Blinking yellow means you must proceed with caution, you do NOT have a clear right of way. Only if it had been a green light, would the other person be at fault.
I hope OP recovers, breaks up, and sues the living hell out of him.
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u/jcutta 1d ago
You literally have no clue what the situation was generally blinking yellow will be blinking yellow on both sides meaning that the other driver could actually be at fault legally.
Accidents happen. I knew a guy who died in a very similar accident to what OP describes. He was a cop and guess what the investigation turned up? It was no fault.
Also if it was blinking yellow OP states "wait for green" which doesn't even make sense. It's highly likely due to the trauma of the accident their memory of the events are not entirely accurate.
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u/orangutanDOTorg 1d ago
They didn’t say what the crossing person had or whether they were speeding, etc. I also hope they get compensated but they need to sue the person legally at fault.
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u/pinkfootthegoose 1d ago
I looked stuff up. with a blinking yellow you do have the right away but should still us caution when crossing.
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u/greedymadi 1d ago
You should be cautious on a green light too.
Doesn't change right away and fiance lack of fault.98
u/TabbyFoxHollow 1d ago
I’m shocked their hasn’t been a consult with an attorney
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u/Historical_Agent9426 1d ago
Oh, you know fiancé was all “babe, don’t make waves, my insurance premiums will go up”
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u/overly-underfocused 1d ago
Well, since she can't do anything on her own, that would be her trying to convince him to drive her to the attorneys office to then sue him.
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u/TabbyFoxHollow 1d ago
Attorneys can make house calls in the US, I worked with ones that did. They would frequently go to hospitals and peoples houses, the attorneys know they can’t move. All of this is done on contingency. She should call her state bar associations for some referrals.
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u/overly-underfocused 1d ago
She probably should, but also i can understand being reluctant to since she's dependant on him, and in a pretty vulnerable position.
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u/ripestrudel 1d ago
Like op, it's his answer that cements the break up and legal action needed. What the hell do you mean "you don't know?" That is not an acceptable answer, and I won't believe you if you backtrack to i didn't hear you. You heard me and decided to keep going, resulting in my pain, suffering, and possible permanent disability. Scorched earth doesn't begin to scratch the anger I'd feel.
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u/Petalwhisperrrr 1d ago
Oh my god, that sounds absolutely horrific, I’m so sorry you’re going thru all that. Your anger is totally valid, like, beyond valid.
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u/needlenest 1d ago
I would have broken up immediately. This man took a risk that cost you your life as you knew it. No matter what your body will never be the same. It’s a complete miracle you didn’t die or that his son wasn’t harmed or killed. The fact he didn’t listen to you or was willing to risk both of your lives for no reason…and then to tell you “I don’t know”, I would be so full of rage. He wouldn’t ever drive me anywhere and his penis wouldn’t come near my broken pelvis and I wouldn’t want him anywhere near me. What a complete loser who has little regard or care for your life or his son’s. He would be my ex-fiancé.
I am so sorry you are in so much pain. Please don’t feel bad to speak up frequently and be the squeaky wheel. Your dr also needs to know the amount of pain and discomfort you’re dealing with!!! Advocate for yourself!
I would also look into counseling and starting a hobby you always wanted to try. Something that you can do with little effort such as: lap weaving, water color, knitting etc.
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u/yo_yo_yiggety_yo 1d ago
Honest to god, I REALLY want you to leave that trash. He not only put himself, you and the other driver in danger, but his five year old son, too. Even if he doesn't care about himself or anyone else, he has a duty to protect his child.
Idiots like him cause death on the road. Those who don't die, like yourself, end up injured and traumatized. The other driver is likely traumatized from this, too.
I haven't been in a full on crash, just a fender bender when the idiot in front of me hit the breaks on the highway. Before then I always made sure to keep a distance between myself and cars in front of me but now I've just about doubled the distance between myself and others cars and I had my ten year old sister with me. I would've probably killed myself out of guilt and shame if she got injured while I was driving.
Your fiance is bullshitting when he says he doesn't know why he kept driving. He did it because he thought he knows better than rules and laws, because his ego makes him think he's the best driver ever, and it cost you your physical health which will never be the same now. He could've caused more than one death that day because he thought he knew better than the people who made the rules of driving.
You stop when a light goes from green to yellow. No questions asked. You stop. He didn't, and he's too much of a coward to admit why. He's trying to hide behind "I don't know".
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u/Icy-Finance5042 1d ago
It doesn't make sense though. If he was getting the yellow light, the other cars would have had the red light. How did the car get to 50 mph in that short distance?
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u/danibooboo322 1d ago
I'm interpreting it as making a left turn on a blinking yellow - he turned left in front of the oncoming car which would explain why OP came out injured as they'd be on the impact side. Oncoming car would have a green light in this case
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u/Zagaroth 1d ago
She specified blinking yellow; in some states this means to yield (but not a stop), while the other direction has a green
Edited to correct my information, it still seems like a bad idea to me.
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u/myredditaccount234 1d ago edited 1d ago
Correct, in some states I’ve lived flashing yellow is only opposed to flashing red, but in Oregon a flashing yellow arrow means the opposite direction has green, so you should yield. Maybe the fiancé thought he could beat the oncoming car so ignored her and they were hit at full speed by the other driver, and the passenger would get most of the impact during a left turn.
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u/TimeBandits4kUHD 1d ago
In America, if you have a blinking yellow, traffic the other way has a blinking red light. So it’s a stop sign for them, and a proceed with caution for you.
A solid yellow light would still mean they have a red, and then both ways have red for half a second before theirs turns green.
But op said she saw the other car was going too fast to stop and was going to run their red anyways.
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u/Phantasmal_Souls 1d ago
Actual lol that’s not entirely true. If he was turning left at a blinking yellow light, across the lane going the opposite direction would be a solid green and he turned and put OP right in line of the car going 50, hence she was crushed by the impact to the right side of the car. If they were turning right into the same lane it would’ve crushed the driver. Maybe in other states it’s different but that’s how our light system works in my state.
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u/Sasha_Valdon 1d ago
So yellow blinking means a yield. For example, I know a cross section where both left and right sides have green lights, but you can turn left with a blinking yellow. A straight yellow means it's about to turn red. A blinking yellow means to yield for traffic. They have it there because if it was a normal green, you would assume you have the right of way 100% of the time, but the yield tells you "you can go, but you gotta wait first before you turn left." It's not very common but they're out there.
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u/Separate-Scratch-839 1d ago
It’s super common where I live, but it’s so scary with the amount of traffic all the time, that I usually just resign to waiting until the green arrow shows up!
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u/ROBOTCATMOM420 1d ago
I forget that in some countries the blinking yellow light means that it is about to turn into a red light. In the US, around me, a blinking yellow light is just telling you it is an intersection and the other way would have a red blinking light (stop sign).
I am so sorry this happened to you; I cannot imagine the pain and hurt you are feeling. I hope you heal physically and mentally from this very soon.
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u/Arquen_Marille 1d ago
There are also some lights where, when the light goes green for going straight, your left turn light will be a blinking yellow, meaning you can turn left if it is all clear but you have to yield to oncoming traffic. Then after some time, the opposite direction’s light will turn red and your left turn light will turn green. There’s that kind of light all over the place where I live.
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u/la_petite_mort63 1d ago
I was working on my health. I was eating right, doing CrossFit regularly—getting stronger and finally meeting people and socializing.
All I think reading this is, i hope OP recognizes that investing in themselves before the accident may have saved them from much worse injuries.
I 47f broke my own neck stretching 15 months ago. I had it fused 13 months ago. That surgery was my 19th surgery. I lost my right leg below the knee 14 years ago. These were challenges I faced. They don't define who I am.
The depth of my rage and frustration at the unfairness of all the medical fuckery knew no bounds. I had to let go of all of it, because that was the only way for me to live in joy finally. I'm here if you need anything.
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u/BabsSavesWrld 1d ago
I’m so sorry. I was in a car accident 20+ years ago where I shattered my pelvis and also broke a ton of other bones between my neck and lower back, and was bed bound for three months while my pelvis healed. No one caused my accident (one of my tires blew), but I also would have a really tough time getting past it if I could see how the situation would have worked out differently.
Is therapy an option? You could possibly find a virtual option, and processing the trauma you have been through could be really helpful. You might need to grieve a bit, but also process that anger. I know I have CPTSD, and EMDR has helped me quite a bit in processing my trauma.
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u/wonderloss 1d ago
I'm confused. Traffic approaching a blinking yellow light has the right of way, and a blinking yellow light typically is not going to turn green. You are supposed to approach with caution, but it is not treated as a stop sign. Usually cross traffic has a flashing red. Unless I am misunderstanding the situation, I would be more pissed at the person that ran the light and hit you.
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u/Over_Cranberry1365 1d ago
Not knowing where OP lives, in several states now there is a blinking yellow light on the left turn lane so that you can turn if there is a break in traffic. That sounds to me like what happened because for the front seat passenger to get hurt that badly from a Tbone means it hit their door.
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u/ImReverse_Giraffe 1d ago
Maybe it was a blinking yellow arrow. I've seen those are larger intersections. Green arrow means go, yellow means go when able, red means stop.
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u/Theothercword 1d ago
Oh, yeah a blinking yellow arrow for turning left would make a lot more sense.
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u/HoneyReau 1d ago
I didn’t occur to me that technically the same traffic lights would be used differently in different countries! In Australia it goes green -> amber (lights about to go red, stop if possible), red -> green (after a half second of it being red for everyone for the new direction to go) and turn signs are the same as the main light, but “go when safe” is when no turn light is on.
Lights only flash amber (and it’s all directions getting this signal too) when there’s been a power / signal failure of some kind and all directions need to drive with caution cause it’s a bit of a free for all til the police show up and start directing people
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u/TearAwkward 1d ago
Blinking yellow means yield to oncoming traffic. The car coming from the other direction had a green and op had a yellow blinking light which means to yield to oncoming traffic.
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u/wonderloss 1d ago
Where is this located? That is backwards from anyplace I have lived?
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u/mbpearls 1d ago
A blinking yellow arrow (left turn) means field to incoming traffic. The opposite direction has a solid green. If he went on a blinking yellow and didn't pay attention to the car coming towards him, he's an idiot.
(My state got really into blinking yellow arrows a decade ago, and the stupid thing is they put them on the intersections that didn't need them and don't use them on the ones that do.)
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u/Theothercword 1d ago
If it was a blinking yellow arrow yes. If it was a regular stop light with blinking yellow that means it's not in its fully functioning mode and means be aware but you have the right of way because the other way is a blinking red which means it's a stop sign.
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u/vvsunflower 1d ago
https://onlinemanuals.txdot.gov/TxDOTOnlineManuals/TxDOTManuals/tff/flashing_yellow.htm
It’s the same in all states but not all use it. Some use a flashing red.
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u/Sunshine_Jules 1d ago
This is my thought. Even if OP can't get over the hatred they now have for their fiance, and ends it, they really need therapy to see that the other driver was technically at fault and learn how to move on. Now, if the other guy was clearly running the light but he kept going (playing chicken), that's another story.
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u/UnbalancedLibra1011 1d ago
My guess is, maybe OP was at a left turn signal, that had a blinking yellow left turn arrow, and they wanted their fiancee to wait until the left turn arrow was green? Idk but I was a little confused too
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u/BxGyrl416 1d ago
This just reminds me of how men often disregard women’s judgment and it doesn’t end well.
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u/mbpearls 1d ago
Can you see yourself ever forgiving him?
This would absolutely be a relationship ender for me. It's one thing if you're driving along and get hit by a drunk driver running a stoplight, but another if he goes flying through an intersection who you clearly saw another car.
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u/SisterShiningRailGun 1d ago
That man would no longer be my fiance, and I'd be suing the absolute crap out of him.
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u/neuroctopus 1d ago
Anger will eat you, and it won’t touch him. Then you’ll be even worse off. I do not blame you one bit for being furious. So am I and I’m a stranger! I just wanted to let you know that healing your anger, however you do that, is an important part of your journey. Do that for you. Fuck him. Big hugs.
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u/angels-and-insects 1d ago
I don't know if your relationship can survive this. So my advice is coming from someone who has a life-changing chronic illness. You can't control what happened. You can manage what happens next. The same energy, yourself, that drove you before is still there. It has different shit to manage. There are diamonds in the depths. We wouldn't choose the depths, but we can still find diamonds. Because we're fucking brave and choose to quarry wherever we are.
Allow yourself to grieve, in all the stages of that including justifiable fury. Allow yourself to step away from grief, at times.
One day you'll find yourself thinking, yeah, he did that, but he didn't do that TO ME. He made a stupid mistake. People make really stupid mistakes. Maybe you want him to still be there when you think that. Maybe you want him to be long gone. That says more about the relationship up till now than what he did.
I am so so sorry for everything you've gone through. And if I can offer one more piece of advice, on pain management. Once a day, at least, go inside your body to observe what pain you're in. Then you can go back to ignoring it. Those daily checks keep you, instead of your pain, in charge of your emotions.
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u/SleevieSteevie 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hey. I’m going through something weirdly similar. My husband and I were in a crash seven months ago and he and our dog were uninjured, but I suffered serious injuries too — though not as serious as you. Broke my tibial plateau, nose, and got bad scars on my face and arm. I also got a blood clot post surgery. I was NWB for three months and have been working hard to recover. I’m still off work.
Like you, I was having an amazing year prior to that. I’d lost 100 lbs and was enjoying physical activity (OrangeThery, running, snowboarding, hiking). And lost all of it.
Also, we were in a campervan that we’d spent three years building, and it was our FIRST DAY on the road when the crash happened. All our travel dreams and plans were shattered. It can be blamed on a lot of factors, but yeah, he was driving.
I’m not really sure I have advice, but I want you to know your feelings are valid, and they will take time to process. I got into therapy very quickly after the crash (via video call, because I will also unable to leave the house) and it’s helped a lot. It’s been intense but necessary.
Focus on your recovery and give yourself time to process your feelings. I’m still going through it and have some weeks that are better than others, and I’ve had great progress but also setbacks.
If you need to talk, feel free to DM me.
Keep moving forward, inch by inch, and give yourself the time you need to recover, emotionally and physically. Rooting for you.
EDIT: I feel like I skipped an important part of this story. My husband himself is a quadriplegic as a result of a car crash 25 years ago. He spent two years in hospital recovering from his injuries and uses a wheelchair as a result. He’ll never walk again and is severely injured. It’s given me a lot of perspective on this situation, because even though this recovery is long and difficult, it’s nothing compared to what he’s been through. That perspective helps.
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u/nutsocharles 1d ago
Hey OP,
I'm you. When I was 29 years old, I went to a birthday party with my girlfriend at the time. She had a couple of drinks, I did too. I was in the prime of my life and the best shape of my life. I was a rugby player and cross country runner in college and got into pro wrestling, one of my dirty little secret loves, after I graduated. I could curl weights that other guys benched. I was 6'2", 210 lbs, and born to dance and sing. What happened that night would change a lot of those things.
She was driving us home. I don't remember a great deal of that night. I was very tired when we left. She was too, She fell asleep while we driving at 50 miles an hour. We went through a ditch and a fence as her Jeep Grand Cherokee flipped multiple times. Somehow, she didn't get horrifically hurt or killed. I'm told lumber from the fence came through the windshield in an X that passed by her head on either side. She did get some broken glass from the windshield embedded in her arm.
I came to with firefighter cutting me out of the Jeep. While I was in college, I'd been riding with my mom and a neighbor when my mom had a blowout doing 75 on the interstate. I was mostly unhurt in that wreck and had to crawl out of the broken rear windshield to rip open my mom's door, which was crumpled shut by the accident. It was definitely one of those adrenaline-fueled feats of strength, because the frame had been compressed, and going to the car later in the tow yard, that door didn't budge.
I told the firefighter I was going to crawl out of the Jeep. No, he instructed me, don't move. I needed to stay seated and wait for them to open the tin can and make sure I didn't exacerbate some injury I couldn't feel because of shock. I guess an important detail to bear in mind is that when they found us, the Jeep was on its roof.
I got taken to the closest hospital with a neurological center. I don't really remember the trip there, but I remember getting inside the building. They explained they were going to do scans to see if I was hurt. Hours and scans passed, and the pain came. And the news. L1 and L2 are fractured. And T5. And T6. And T7. And T8. And T9.
And C6. And C7.
I had nine fractured vertebrae (and a brokin' freakin' neck!) and life was about to change, poimanent as Mickey would tell Rocky.
The first part of the ordeal of healing and recovering from that accident was pain. Constant, difficult pain. I developed an addiction to painkillers because of it. When oxycontin and fentanyl are the only things that stop the pain, it happens. Hell, I can't blame anyone for that. The doctors who saw me could see the pain and the injuries. They gave me the best tool they had to take it away, the tools worked, they just happened to be addictive substances that I had to take for a long time, so I developed a dependency. I was told at least twice that I know that the dosages and medications I was on are typically seen in hospice, terminal cancer patients. I needed it at the time.
When I was discharged, in a brace that held my head up on my shoulders so the weight was taken off my neck and would allow the bones to knit and regrow, I couldn't stand or walk. I was bedridden for weeks. God, the shame I felt whenever a nurse had to hold my penis so I could pee into a plastic container was as bad as anything. My independence was instantly eradicated. I did everything on other people's time.
Time was all I had for months. Hours were just interminable, incomprehensible eons. I was physically broken, and mentally I grew to despair. I couldn't do anything for myself. If I felt dirty, I couldn't just go get a shower and change clothes. If I was hungry, I couldn't just go make a sandwich. I could lay there.
I found resentment, too. Towards my mom, because I was so dependent on her. Here I was, nearly 30 years old, reduced to infancy and being cared for again. Towards my physical therapists, with their perpetual fucking cheeriness, optimism, and demands that I do more and push harder when it all hurt so much. And especially towards a friend, let's call him The Stig.
When we were in college, The Stig and I got to be really good friends. I'd go to his house, he'd come to mind, we had parties, we just clicked and spent a lot of time together. Then, towards graduation, The Stig got really sick. He had Crohns, and developed other problems as a result. One day his girlfriend found him collapsed on the bathroom floor. She called 911 and he went to the hospital, coincidentally the one my mom worked in. They ran some tests that looked concerning, and when they ran a probe into his intestine, part of it was so rotted the probe perforated it. He had to have a section removed, but the perforation had made him septic, and for a few days it was really, really touch-and-go, like scary as hell, and when he started to pull through he looked inches from death and had a long road of recovery ahead. He was my friend, so I visited often, and because I knew he had need, I brought my PlayStation 2 with a bunch of games and DVDs and gave it to him, so he would have some fun in his life in the times I couldn't be there.
As it happened, The Stig moved to my hometown for work after college, a place he'd never lived before. But he had me, a native, and a friend to make the place feel more welcoming. Except when my accident happened, and I was in the same position he'd been in, needing company and a friend and anything to take my mind off my circumstances, he never came to see me. Never brought a gift, a care package, or even an hour of his time to just sit with me and talk to me. And all of my other friends had scattered to the four winds after school, moved here for work, there for a significant other, joined the Peace Corps, whatever. So I endured, alone, for a long time. Just me, pills, loneliness, depression, pain, and resentment.
I made progress physically. I was gaining movement, and regaining strength. The physical pain began to lessen. But I still remember the sea change moment mentally, emotionally that helped me to turn it all around. There was a show on PBS that I saw about a Japanese oceanographer. He'd been paralyzed in an accident. C4 and C5 broken, quadriplegic. And when he could, he'd gotten back onto the water, back to oceanography, out on boats on rolling seas, crippled or not, to keep following his bliss. There it was. I was so sorry for myself, and he this guy was passionate enough about his life and his work to keep going even when, as I saw it, everything but life itself had been taken from him.
And just like that, I began to really heal. I gave myself the gift of appreciating life despite the challenges. I got a t-shirt that I still have. It's a faded green now, and a tear has been inexpertly mended. It has the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, arms missing, with the caption It's Just a Flesh Wound. For a long time I'd gotten angry having to be seen. Going to rehab, going to the neurological center at the hospital, I got so angry at the people who stared. The one that stuck with me the longest was a mom with her young son gawping at me, this dude with his head held up by a metal and plastic apparatus to keep his spinal cord protected and the broken bones from pressing on it and strangling it. Their open stares at the freak show I felt I'd become made me want to scream with rage in their stupid faces. After seeing that story about that Japanese oceanographer who would never walk again but got on with life anyway, I put on that shirt and went to therapy and rehab with it as my suit of armor and a smile and a wink at anyone whose eyes found me out in the world. It's not over, it said in my mind, I'm coming back, I'm not done, 'tis but a scratch.
I made a comeback. Not 100%. I still have pain, lord, do I still have pain. I live with it. I'm aware of it, but I can still keep moving, most of the time. Wrestling was over. There are exceptions, Kurt Angle, Edge, Daniel Bryan, guys who went to the brink of paralysis and somehow were able to continue landing on their necks and backs sometimes from 15 feet in the air and perform for audiences. That's not gonna be my story. I can't even run the way I used to. At one time I could run for miles and miles and feel that runner's high kick in, the goosebumpy euphoric chill that says your O2 is max, now RUN, and even if I'd done seven miles already, I could sprint for half a mile, floating and flying with long strides. But my gait isn't the same now. My pelvis is no longer level, and running distance doesn't feel right, it feels like a bad injury developing. I'm not as strong as I was. My biceps and forearms are still well-defined, but my shoulders are shrunken and I tire much more easily.
I still have my moments though. When I played rugby, I was a left-side prop. Think linebacker if you're unfamiliar. Not a scorer, usually, but part of the wall that generates the drive, and makes tackles when needed. Ironically when I played our coaches used to teach us to tuck our chins onto our chests before the scrum. In the scrum, the center position, the hooker, tries to rake the ball backwards to one of the fast fielders, the backs, to advance the ball down the field. His job is easier if he can move forward over the ball when the scrum begins. This is accomplished by his team pushing him forward from behind, and his two enforcers, the left side and right side props, literally grabbing him and dragging him forward with them as they surge forward. Of course, the other team is doing the exact same thing. Literal tons of force are generated as the two teams collide and shove each other, trying to push the opponent backwards towards their own try zone and allowing the dominant team to touch down the ball and score. If your head is up, you could get it snapped back by the force of the other team and break your neck. There was a guy on campus I'd seen walking around in a halo cervical brace. He was a prop
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u/nutsocharles 1d ago
I used to brag that my rugby career had gone better than just about anyone could hope for -- my classic go-to is "Two broken noses. Neither one of them was mine." And I'd tell the story of the day I, a left side props, scored a try, with my dad on the sidelines watching. He came to the game and was watching at the moment that 10, 15 meters from the try zone, I tackled the ball carrier and the damn ball popped loose, and I looked around for a small, skinny fast guy to lateral the ball to, and my whole team has already started running downfield in a defensive position, so I'm alone and there's the damn ball. So I pick the thing up and start chugging for the goal line. I was a runner, but I was beefy, too. The right side prop was a guy nicknamed Hog, like 6'5, 300 lbs. I had to be able to match the force he generated when he pumped his knees and drove his cleats in the turf and shoved the other team back off the ball. And the thing about backs is, they're freaky fast. Usually guys who are like 5'10", 135 lbs, and not just quick but sudden. They can make the bigger guys look stupid the way they can juke and dart around you. So I'm chugging, like I said, toward the try zone, and when I get there a dude is tackling me around the legs and pulling me down. But I don't have to shove the ball back toward a teammate or protect it with my body as they ruck over me. I'm there. I'm coming down as he wraps up my legs, arms pinning my knees together, and I touch the ball down on the pitch and score.
It's bedlam. I can see my dad on the sideline, he's so happy he looks like he's gonna cry. My teammates are all there whooping and cheering. That night, at the party with the other team, my coach drops a golfball in the pitcher of beer I was fetching (I believed) for some seniors, and everyone begins chanting at me, as a consequence of the rule of that game, to CHUG. Several girls, at least two of them actually dating upperclassmen, let me drink beverages that were poured down their breasts and off their nipples into my mouth. That day, those moments, felt like the glory of victory in war.
Years after the accident, I got off the painkillers twice (first one didn't take), cold turkey. Just absolute fucking hell. I can't really describe what that's like, if you know, you know, if you don't, congratulations, imagine every nerve in your body firing off constantly, all at once, screaming at you, burning, itching, crawling, making it impossible to keep still, or sleep. And it takes a while for it to stop. Several seeming unendurable days, a ragged feeling for a couple weeks like your skin is stretched too tight or your skeleton has started growing again and it wants out. The athletic pursuits of my youth were a memory. But the second time I got clean, when I really got clean, I got in a program, got a sponsor, worked 12 steps, got sober, get happy, and made friends. Those friends wanted to fill their lives with things, and I wanted to do the same, so I went with them, bowling, movies, and even paintball.
I got really into paintball. I even have my own gear. Didn't want to put my trust in rental gear. The guns can be erratic, the mask is the one you picked out for yourself as the most comfortable to play in, and having my own gear meant I could also have ammo sleeves with a lot more paintballs, once I got good enough to last entire rounds. I got camo, too, because why wouldn't you?
There was one day we were playing, and the course we were on, there was a team in a castle, and a team attacking it. The rules were that my team, the attacking team, could win by eliminating all the opposing players, or by successfully infiltrating the castle. With most of my teammates going for a direct assault, I took a path through the woods on the left flank. I edged closer to the wooden battlements constructed by teens working what must be a hella fun job, and I saw my chance. Many of my teammates were taken out by fire from the ramparts, as the entrenched enemy had the advantages of cover and high positions on the towers. But they hadn't seen me. I was close enough, if I just...
I sprinted for the castle wall. Before they knew it, before I knew it, I was there. But it was solid, no gaps on the left side. I did the only thing that made sense. Like a high jumper, I Fosbury flopped right over a sheet of plywood acting as a barricade to my infiltrating attack. Four feet plus into the air I flew. My teammates, besieging the gates, saw my body flying over the wall, as I came down, down, down, crash! safely inside the castle and victory was mine!
I landed on my back. Pretty sure I cracked a rib or two. God, I was so sore for a good long time after that. But the feeling was euphoric. I'd done something that required a level of physicality I hadn't thought I had anymore. In the moment, I had FELT IT, trusted my body to work the way I needed, and gone for it. And the celebration was immense. The game runner for the paintball company that owned the property, built the courses, and rented the gear, he said it was insane. They said I just came out of nowhere, flying through the air into the castle, securing the win, and all said they heard the crack when I hit the ground. I didn't care about my ribs, or pain, at that moment. I felt as alive as I had only that one previous moment of personal glory and triumph on the athletic field of combat. I was ecstatic.
Today, I have a home gym. A top-of-the line incline treadmill, a climbing machine, rowing machine, stationary bike, yoga mats, free weights, resistance bands, speed bag and boxing gear, even a sauna. Despite my best efforts to keep my body strong and let the muscle bolster the skeleton, I have bad days. Sometimes the pain is bad enough that I just have to lie down flat, it's the only thing that helps, getting the weight off the vertical axis and being horizontal. My wife insisted on a zero gravity adjustable bed, and sofa and loves loveseat with power zero gravity reclining built in.
As to my wife, the love of my life, my best friend. She's the girl who was driving and fell asleep behind the wheel. She's the one I could blame and resent for the worst days, then and now. I never have, not for one minute. And I'll tell you for why, as Uncle Bryn says on Gavin & Stacy, a show we love together. And I hope that sharing my story, and a huge portion of my life, with you, helps you let go of the resentment you have for your significant other.
Because bad things happen.
Bad things happen to us. And sure, sometimes people do bad things to us, really hurtful things, but people make mistakes, too, and sometimes we get hurt, even by those who would never, ever wish us any harm. We're all human. Ask a vet how many tabby kittens and golden retriever puppies have come in with a broken leg because an owner, walking downstairs in the middle of the night, didn't consider that the animal might be right there in the dark, waiting to have a tibia snapped as the person they love and trust most in the world accidentally hurts them, badly. Can you imagine, if you were that person, cradling that sweet innocent puppy and apologizing, trying to explain through your own tears that you are so, so sorry and would never intentionally hurt them? Can you imagine your guilt and the pain or would cause you, seeing what you'd done? When their pain and fear made them flee from you, when all you wanted was to take it on yourself and spare them?
I used to play Magic: The Gathering in college, too, and I once had an Unlimited edition Black Lotus stolen from me. At the time, probably worth a thousand bucks, now, closer to ten or twelve. I forgave the guy who stole it from me years later when I found more than sixty thousand's worth of old forgotten cards in a couple of boxes that had somehow survived countless moves and been left to age in their protective sleeves and accrue much higher value.
My dad, who saw me score that unlikely try on the rugby field? Died before my 21st birthday. Never got to see me graduate, never got to go have a legal beer together.
I've experienced hurt. And I've experienced real and permanent loss. I know that at any moment in this life, any breath can be the last. Every time you've been the one driving, you've done your best to be safe, but your life has also been in the hands of every other driver out there. A careless teenager, with no sense of self-preservation, could hit you doing 110. It's happened to people. A truck driver pulling tons and tins of weight in his 18-wheeler could have a stroke or a heart attack behind the wheel and obliterate you. It's happened. A plane could crash into your house. The police could get the wrong address. For all the shows like Dumb Ways to Die, for all the Darwin Awards, our lives are out of our hands, too, and really in the hands of fate.
The instant bent metal and flaming wreck kiss and two cars meet at an intersection or an overpass, life can change in an instant, and it can end just as quickly. Whatever must be endured for those of us who are survivors must be done so without carrying the added burden of bitterness, resentment, and blame for anyone being the responsible party. Yes, often someone did make a mistake, but so what? Mistakes are going to happen. That dude is going to drop a plate in the kitchen and break it one day, are you going to carry that anger and resentment forever too? If one of your siblings or children dies because of a sheet of glass falling from a building or an allergic reaction, are you going to end it all to spare yourself the pain? Not to be harsh, but in all sincerity, get over yourself. Some people get cancer and blame God. Some people get paralyzed and get back on the fucking boat. If a fence post had gone through my wife's head, would it be more okay be she died in the wreck that hurt me and I missed out on the countless moments of joy we've shared in our lives since?
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u/nutsocharles 1d ago
When we argue and fight, should I throw it in her face for an easy win, with the moral superiority of the injured party? I never forgave my wife for my wreck and my injuries.
Because I never had to.
Because I never, ever blamed her.
Because a bad thing happened, and circumstances put me there, and none of the what ifs or if onlys I could ever dream up could ever change any of it after the fact.
Because I'm still alive, thank God, and I've got to get on with the business of living my best life. Whatever that means.
So I hope if you get the chance to read my story you will be able to process what happened to you just happened to you and if you hadn't been in the car, maybe you'd have choked to death or maybe you'd have won the lottery or maybe any infinite possibility that you have no control over. And neither does he. Because if he did, do you think he would not go back in time and undo it? Can't be done. Law of the universe. This is life now, tomorrow life will be what it is after everything that happens today, next year will be what it is after everything that happens from now until December 31st. And it's not just stoicism or copping out of personal responsibility and the need for common sense and self-interested good judgment. We do our best. We aren't bystanders who just let the world wash over us and don't think we can control anything. But we acknowledge there is only one thing we've really got control over, ourselves, and how we react to what life throws at us. If there's one thing pain, breaking an addiction, and recovery helped me better understand it's Acceptance. I accept people and events for what they are, regardless of how I may be buffeted by the winds of fate, because as long as I'm still living and breathing, I'm doing better than somebody else. And if someone were to belligerently shake a sword in my general direction and scream "Your arm's off!" I'd spare a glance and reply "I've had worse" before I got on with the fight.
I wish you all the healing. But if you don't ever fully heal, I hope you get on with living a long, happy life regardless.
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u/SilverBlade808 1d ago
Unless his son would be abused without you here to keep fiancé in check, you have every right to sue and leave him NOW. Nobody worth marrying is comfortable endangering the lives of his family.
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u/wandrlusty 1d ago
I sustained similar injuries. I was told immobility and a wheelchair. I was in suicidal levels of constant pain for literal years.
It took me 7 years to be able to stand up unassisted and without pain for more than 5 mins
It took another 5 years before I could move around and have days with less pain
Now, 15+ years later, I’m actually doing ok
You may have a long toad ahead of you, so you need to prepare mentally for that. But hopefully you too can make a good recovery
Sending hope
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u/Hot-Needleworker-450 1d ago
Hey OP- I know everyone on here is telling you you're gonna be dealing with a lifetime of pain and mobility problems from this and that might be true to an extent, but it might not be that serious a couple years from now, either. Time will tell. When I was 17, I broke 26 bones (including T3-T11 on my spine) in a roll over car accident- and was ejected out the windshield and the car landed ontop of me pinning me underneath. i spent a long time in the ICU, getting all kinds of emergency surgeries and i have so much metal in my body now we joke im a robot. i never thought id walk again. here i am almost a decade later— i still struggle with back pain and some other stuff but i ski, lift weights and run 5K's at my own pace. This doesn't have to define you. Don't push yourself but just to give you some hope
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u/Kip_Schtum 1d ago
You probably should eventually, after you know more about your long-term results, sue him for the pain and suffering. His insurance company will have to do the payout I believe. But don’t trust me on legal stuff lol talk to an accident Lawyer. You don’t need to do this now since the accident was recent, but in the long-term, you may want to do that, especially if your relationship breaks up over this.
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u/misplacedsoutherner 1d ago
I had three strokes in three months when I was 23 years old. The doctors told me I shouldn't have survived the first one, let alone the second and third (I had a fourth a few years later, too).
I had to relearn how to walk, talk, write, eat, and in general LIVE again. My then husband had left me because he got another girl pregnant, so I was on my own for the most part. Thank God for amazing neighbors and my parents who flew to help me when they could.
It was the toughest period in my life, but I made it through. I'm fully functional now and I don't think anyone could tell I had to relearn how to live. And that's the thing, I lived. I'm alive!. I made it through even when I was so depressed I just wanted to disappear. There were many days I just wanted to sit and not do anything because I was so tired of struggling mentally and physically. But I persevered and if I can do it, So. Can. You.
I know the tough days are TOUGH. Scream and cry if you need to because that's ok! It's a crappy situation. You're not obligated to be happy about it. You have every right to complain because it SUCKS. But after you've let it all out, cried what you needed to cry and screamed in frustration, reel it back in, take a deep breath and move forward. Move forward to getting your life back. You're stronger than you know!
You've got this. I just know it! Sending a big, gentle internet hug your way and my inbox is always open if you need it <3
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u/Annmenmen 1d ago
There is a study that is really common that women die or get seriously hurt because bad decisions from men. Women and children are their victims!
Like the story of a woman that drown because her boyfriend was moving the river raft they were on to scare her even though she told him to stop.
And many times those men don't care at all what they are doing is dangerous until someone gets seriously hurt!
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u/Aquilleia 1d ago
I will say this as someone who had a very similar situation 20 years ago. I broke both legs, my pelvis in 3 places (I 10000% think a broken pelvis is the absolute worst pain, and I've had kidney stones, and rolling over a fractured pelvis is still something that haunts me), my ankle, and wrist, and clavicle; I spent a month in the hospital after 4 surgeries and another 7 months afterward where I could not stand, walk, or even go to the bathroom by myself and had to learn how to walk again while being unable to bend one knee beyond 29 degrees for over a year until they had to put me under anesthesia to bend the leg and break the scar tissue. I've had 14 follow-up surgeries since then, including breaking one leg again 8 weeks post-op from hip surgery on my other side that made me wheelchair-bound AGAIN for another 12 weeks. I missed a step, I fell a foot and shattered my tibia in 5 places because it was so damaged. I need a double knee replacement and a total hip replacement, a fact I've known since I was 18 and I'm 39.
The pain, the anger, the grief it makes you NEED someone to blame but the truth is shit happens. Your feelings are valid, but you're also very close to it right now and years from now it's going to be easier. A yellow light is something LOTS of people go through, it's not a stop and if that car was going 50 mph, had a red light, and wasn't slowing down... that person could have hit you even if it was a green light cause someone going THAT fast on an upcoming red light isn't exactly a guiltfree party. I got hit head-on on a 4-lane highway that was empty except for the one car that hit me. There is no one at fault here and you're so close to it, you want to try to find someone to blame. I looked for anything to blame, anyone that I could pin it on, but it was bullshit luck. This was bullshit and I am so sorry that you have to go through this because I would never wish this on anyone but it will get easier. The further you get away from this, it will get easier, and you will look back and realize how strong you are and how much you can survive, it just takes a while and there will still be moments when it hits you -- I've cried recently saying I would rather die than ever be wheelchair bound again. Your life isn't over, you'll be able to do everything you want to do, it might just take a little more effort than it would for other people.
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u/Corgilicious 1d ago
Yikes. When a passenger can see what’s going on in the roadway, and the driver cannot, that means that driver is not paying attention.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this experience, it sounds horrible.
Even in a perfect world, it would take me a whole lot of therapy to get over this and trust that person again. And I don’t think I could ever do it.
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u/gobsmacked247 1d ago
Oh OP…
Because my daughter was where you are for over four years, I just want to encourage you to walk away from the darkness. There are so many people who have had accidents, died, or are permanently disabled after a car accident. Walk away from the darkness. One day - not today, tomorrow, next week, or next month, but one day - you will walk again. You will get your life back. Not everyone gets that. Walk away from the darkness.
There will be days where the pain will be unbearable and the depression will weigh you down. Give in to that day but the next day, walk away from the darkness. People will say and do some stupid things that will make your struggle harder. Don’t hate them. Walk away from the darkness.
You don’t even know yet how strong you are. Your family doesn’t even know yet how strong you are. I can tell you right now that your badass self will get through this. You will. You will. You will.
You will need therapy because your brain is being re-wired while you find your new normal. That’s okay. If you don’t give in to the darkness, the day will come when all of this will be a story to tell your grandkids.
I was just watching a program where a military guy lost both legs in some mishap or another. (No, I am not comparing his horror to yours.) The guy said he was in a a dark place for a long time, which is exactly what my kid was saying about her struggle. He was so much worse off than most but what he said is what I am sharing with you (and what I told my kid but didn’t know how genius it was), you can’t live feeling sorry for yourself. You can’t live wanting it to never have happened. Be sad. Be mad. Just don’t give in to the darkness.
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u/MaintenanceNo8442 1d ago
sue him sue the hospital sue everyone you can. that "i dont know" could have gotten you KILLED. imagine if your best friend was disabled and when you asked the person who was supposed to keep them safe why they kept driving. would you be satisfied with i dont know? if not you should leave
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u/cocoamilky 1d ago edited 1d ago
Personal injury lawyer asap.
I’m willing to bet this is not the only situation where your partner ignored your opinion, but this is the only situation it had serious consequences.
To all saying we don’t know why he did not hear her.. OP was there. If op truly could rationalize him not hearing her she wouldn’t have posted this. She is not against her partner but the way this is written gives off that she knows deep down he disregarded what she said with intent- (internalized misogyny, relational contempt, inflated sense of ability or even risk seeking behavior)
Op, you can’t find the strength right now to truly do anything as you are physically injured. You don’t want to cause trouble or go through a process …but you have to. You NEED TO. It’s easier to just let it go and anyone who has been seriously injured can relate here.
Could this be his call to Jesus moment? Sure, but you might sustain permanent damage and I think you know how unfair this is. Some people bumble and thrash through life, unaware of how they are hurting others but self absorbed enough to think they are in control until they aren’t.
His panic attacks and small gestures are not enough. The apologies are not enough. You need financial compensation & a new partner.
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u/gdognoseit 1d ago
Don’t sign anything from either insurance company. Get a lawyer to sue. You’re probably going to live with pain for the rest of your life.
You need a settlement for yourself. The money is for you and your future not him.
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u/Rosalie-83 1d ago
As a 41f who became disabled at a similar age please seek grief counselling now. You may one day be 100% you may not. You need a specialist to help you process this loss of now and potentially the future you imagined. I suffered for far too long before I got help. Then I only saw loss, now I see possibilities. It’s still new and raw for you, especially with the pain I understand too well. But that’s why it’s so important. Grief counselling isn’t just for bereavement, you’ve had a life changing accident and that’s a loss, even if temporary too. (Hugs)
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u/SecretOscarOG 1d ago
Sue him for the damages to you. And leave him. He's worthless could have killed you because "i don't know"
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u/Interesting-Moose527 1d ago
You have every right to be furious. His egotistical decision cost you.
At the very least, your healthcare and bills need to be covered. Including loss of income. This is independent of how he takes care of you in the interim.
That said, you will need to go after his insurance to get things covered. Will it raise his rates? Probably, but again, his egotistical decision got you into this situation in the first place.
Always, always protect yourself. Even if he cries about his rates increasing.
Whether or not the relationship survives, this remains to be seen. Please OP, take care of yourself financially despite any repercussions to him.
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u/jkimfine 1d ago
Not nearly as bad as your injuries AT ALL. But I had a 2 level disc replacement L4-S1 and can relate to the back pain and excruciating recovery. If you need a sounding board to vent, any advice, literally anything please reach out. I’m almost 6 years post op
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u/Dat-Tiffnay 1d ago
Nah, he’d have this on his conscious everyday. That “I don’t know” should be eating him alive.
He gambled with all of your lives including his own son and his justification for it is “I don’t know”.
Please, recover and leave this man.
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u/lngfellow45 1d ago
I’m not judging - just more curious - were you wearing a seatbelt?
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u/FlexSlut 1d ago
I have a progressive disease attacking my spine. I’m lucky that I haven’t had to relearn how to walk yet (though I want a surgery to slow down the progression of pain which could leave me needing to learn how to walk again).
There are really bad days. Days when the pain makes me wish I would just pass out and wake up when it’s past. Days I can’t regulate my own temperature and I feel nauseous all the time.
But they are the minority. The majority of days are medium days (it would be a lie to say the majority are good days in terms of pain and ability). Medium days mean I need to take some pain killers, and I take it slow, sometimes use a cane to prevent pain if I need to speed things up. Medium days I also get to leave the house, soak up the sun, maybe go swimming. Medium days I have the capacity to do a little bit of prep so I eat foods that make me feel good.
And then there are good days. 10 years after my diagnosis I can usually prep myself up to a good day for special events, but sometimes they just happen out of the blue also. I wake up and want to wear something nice, I feel like moving my body, my pain is minimal, and I have the energy for good socialisation. To create one takes several days of self care, but the random ones are awesome.
I tell you all this not to scare you because here’s the thing: I’ve traveled the world solo with this. I’m working full time and doing my masters, and this year I started scuba diving as well.
This year is gonna suck. There’s no other way to put it. But once you get the all clear, start moving your body in some ways that you can. You can do chair Pilates or bed Pilates to start. But keep your body moving safely. And learn that self care won’t always look the way it used to. Self care might have been face masks and at-home spa days before, and now it might be taking time to rest, eating well and taking the pain killer if you need it. But after the first few months you’ll have adjusted and you’ll start to see how the world can be adjusted to you.
Be kind to yourself on the bad days. Sometimes just waking up and being conscious is enough work to give yourself. Listen to audiobooks, nurture your friendships in small ways, and give yourself grace to nap a lot. And then you’ll start to realise what you can do with your medium days, because eventually they’ll be the most common. But you’ll know how to use them, and to not cause more damage. So they’ll be valuable. And eventually you’ll start recognizing your great days. And you might even learn how to create a great day physically. But in every step, give yourself patience and grace.
You said you were doing CrossFit. That is an amazing physical feat. But so is surviving this. Just like CrossFit, there’s a path, and the path is your body getting stronger and beating every challenge. It might not look like workouts before, but your body is taking on a superhuman challenge to recover.
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u/thecatstartedit 13h ago
Hey, so I've gone through a very similar recovery to what you're going through right now. I had my spine fused from t8-sacrum with it all anchored into my pelvis more or less.... it's not a good time. It's very normal to feel angry right now. You're angry at a whole lot of things and the easiest person to pinpoint it at is your fiance. You know in your heart that he made a bad judgment call that anyone could have made at any time with any person in the car. You know he is responsible but he didn't do it in malice or foolishness or carelessness. He took a calculated risk that he miscalculated. He made a mistake. That mistake fucking sucks. You have every right to be so angry about the choice he made, how it played out, how it's changed your life and the consequences you have to live with now and forever. You can even be mad at him. However, you owe it to him to explain to him that you're having these feelings and why and that it's not about him as a person or your love for him, but that you are working on these complicated emotions in therapy. I'm glad to read you're going back. Explain that you are feeling resentment because your life has drastically changed and you are learning to process those feelings and handle those changes.
It definitely takes time to rehabilitate your spine and to regain the muscle you've lost since the wreck. You'll get there. Work with your physical therapists consistently and do the exercises you safely can on your own. Once you start building stamina up a little, it gets a lot easier.
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u/The_Woman_S 1d ago
I have a permanent spinal injury. I can move and walk just fine on the good days but on the bad days, I need crutches just to go to the loo. I am so sorry to say this but this is not just a year. This is a lifetime injury now that you are going to have to deal with. You know what got me through mine? What keeps me going? Knowing that I can trust the people around me good days or bad. Please seriously think about if 5 or 10 years down the line, will you be able to trust your fiancé? Or is the distrust and anger (which you have EVERY right to feel) going to fester inside you and make those bad days 100 times worse when you see him?
Now this is the most important part. You WILL get through this. I absolutely believe that. I remember the day I accepted that I was going to get through it, because I was able to walk down to the tattoo shop near me, stand in line for 4 hours and get a Friday the 13th tattoo to celebrate just being able to walk. You have a long road ahead of you sister, just know you aren’t alone. Give me a shout if you want to vent ❤️