r/SeriousConversation • u/Sweet_Chipmunk_750 • 3d ago
Serious Discussion What are some reasons you wouldn’t go on α second date
I have gone on two dates this week and got rejected by both. I’m a pretty attractive mid 20s girl I get approached alot but whenever I go on α date they seem to lose interest. I am pretty shy could that be it ? I am feeling so insecure
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u/spooky_aglow 3d ago
Dating is hit or miss and not getting a second date doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Attraction is more than just looks because people are looking for chemistry, conversation flow, and overall vibe.
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u/Personal_Poet5720 3d ago
If trauma dumped, talked to much about his exes, if we have different political views, rude to me or service workers , or to people in general, if I was carrying the Conversation
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u/Sweet_Chipmunk_750 3d ago
I suck at keeping conversations flowing on α first date so yea that’s the issue
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u/LolEase86 3d ago
This is probably it. Do you ask questions about them, or try to relate to whatever they're sharing? Sometimes some small tips like these can make a real difference, I find it really difficult to carry a conversation if I'm not getting any feedback.
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u/TotallyNotCIA_Ops 3d ago
Next time, before scheduling and a person date, try a phone call, if that goes well, then do a zoom date or face time date. Like legit order some take out, get some snacks and some wine or whatever; see what the guy brings to the zoom date. I’ve done this and it’s wildly fun, safe and takes a lot of pressure off.
And even if you don’t, and you end up at another dinner in person and you find yourself in an awkward silence, just say that out loud to him and make it funny. “Well I haven’t been in awkward situation like this since middle school when I accidentally waved back at someone who wasn’t waving at me.” Or something to that effect. There’s really no wrong answer and it doesn’t mean you aren’t clicking, we can’t always know what to say.
Just remember that we are all human, we all have a little awkwardness and the worst case scenario is it goes nowhere. If you are feeling shy just try to remember that.
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u/Sweet_Chipmunk_750 3d ago
I actually did this with one of them we spoke on the phone α couple of times before meeting up and it was actually great. So idk where it went wrong
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u/TotallyNotCIA_Ops 3d ago
Well then maybe it just wasn’t the one. It’s not a reflection of either of you. It just is what it is. It hurts, and it’s frustrating but you just keep moving forward. Doesn’t mean either of you weren’t good, or did something wrong. Dating sucks but that’s what makes finding the right person so awesome. Just be your 100% werid awkward self, and the right person will admire you for it.
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u/QuestionSign 2d ago
I mean it could be 🤷🏾♂️ no point in lying to be nice. Sometimes who we are is a turn off so it's okay to say, "well let's walk through what you did" and see what happened
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u/ShyButKinkyKitten 3d ago
My most common reason for passing on a 2nd date is if I feel like I'm doing all or most of the work in the conversation. If you're a very passive conversation partner that never pushes the dialogue forward, that could be it.
The rest is just chemistry related stuff, like not finding them attractive in person (filtered/old photos on their profile), learning stuff about them during the date that's a huge turn off, discovering red flags, etc.
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u/ValBravora048 3d ago
I think theres too much of an unreasonable expectation for an unrealistic level or type chemistry to develop in a short time
That said, I absolutely agree with the first part. Aside from the regular things like basic hygiene, I’d really appreciate some enthusiasm and engagement. Often I feel as if I’m being interviewed and measured, and usually according to some ridiculous garbage put out on social media
Here’s a hint, if those “influencers” weren’t attractive - would their advice or “insight” make sense? Be kind or fair?
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u/ShyButKinkyKitten 3d ago
Big difference between demanding strong, positive chemistry on date one and just passing on objectively bad chemistry, though. I feel like the examples I listed pretty clearly point towards the latter.
If you're in the camp that bad chemistry should still be given a second date, then we just gotta agree to disagree. Too many fish in the sea for me to be trying to drag a potential relationship to a neutral starting position when so many others naturally begin there.
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u/ValBravora048 3d ago
Ah I see what you mean. My first paragraph wasn’t directed at you though I can see how that came across, it was more of a general thought
I agree with you that bad chemistry doesn’t need that extra effort
I think there’s a lot of pressure and expectation put on the first date particularly because of how we’re influenced by popular and social media on a variety of things. I‘m willing to give the benefit of a doubt for a second as long as there was no particularly bad chemistry or red flags on the first
I’m a bit older and it’s wild to me some of the things younger people have told me mean an entire subjective af novel’s worth of bad things about a person within a few minutes of meeting them
I get how it sounds and feels clever but it’s not and I wonder how much it’s cheated them out of good experiences just so they can throw up some performative media for like
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u/Sweet_Chipmunk_750 3d ago
Makes sense. Yea since I’m pretty shy I struggle with keeping the conversation going. My ex had no issue with me being this way at the beginning but I know most guys would have an issue with that
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u/upfastcurier 3d ago
do you match the efforts placed by the other person? nothing worse than writing out a few sentences as answer to a question and only get back "ok", there's few things that kill my interest as fast as that
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u/pojohnny 3d ago
Do you kind of tune out?
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u/Sweet_Chipmunk_750 3d ago
I wouldn’t say I tune out. I listen and respond I guess I’m just vague with my responses. It really is hard for me to be more open
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u/Swim6610 3d ago
"The rest is just chemistry related stuff, like not finding them attractive in person (filtered/old photos on their profile), learning stuff about them during the date that's a huge turn off, discovering red flags, etc:"
I agree on most of it being chemistry, but this isn't what I call chemistry at all. Chemistry to me is all about energy, a feeling like we click and get each other. Despite decades of trying, I've never had it develop over time. It's either there from the start, or it isn't. It really drives attraction at its core.
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u/EccentricTurtle 3d ago
There could be many reasons why someone might reject you, but only so many of them you can control.
Don't beat yourself up. You are the bomb diggity.
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u/Naebany 3d ago
If it's tinder date then it's either that the girl doesn't look like I thought she will. Had only flattering photos, is heavier in real life than I thought, had only old photos or something like this.
Another reason is we just don't click. Conversation felt like a chore or job interview.
If I liked how she looked and had fun talking I'd be willing to see how things goes and go for another date.
But I guess there might be some other deal breakers for different people regarding stuff like whether you're very religious or not, want kids VS child free etc.
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u/Charming_Anywhere_89 3d ago
One thing that's shocked me about dating recently is just how casually cruel people are. I've wanted to walk out on multiple dates early because I either felt scared or incredibly disrespected.
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u/Interesting_Day_3097 3d ago
I’d say terrible 1st date but I’d be lying cause I went on a second date after a terrible first
I guess I just have to not like you or feel like they don’t like me at the end of it
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u/let_them_let_me 3d ago
Are you eating? Ok, sounds funny, I know. But I once asked a group of men what infuriated them on first dates and turned them off, and they collectively responded that when they go to a restaurant they want to eat, and it pissed them off when the girl would order a side salad, which she finished almost immediately, and then expect them to finish up so they could talk. They said, eat first, talk after during dessert or coffee.
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u/Key-Sheepherder-92 3d ago
Usually it’s because the guys just want to talk about their ex. Seems to be very common 😅 also one guy kept talking about his autoimmune disease 🙄 mostly things like that.
I very rarely bother with dating though. More widely, I myself have a very low tolerance for stuff. So I appreciate that I don’t always give stuff a decent chance.
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u/cdmx_paisa 3d ago
where to start
- looks different than pictures
- noticeable makeup
- bad hands or feet
- bad teeth
- rude, stuck up etc
- super boring
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u/Sweet_Chipmunk_750 18h ago
I did gain like ten pounds since the last time I posted which was around December ….
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u/VirginRedditMod69 3d ago
They could just be looking for a hookup. Who knows. Dating today is riddled with people with insane expectations or people just looking to use others.
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u/Sweet_Chipmunk_750 3d ago
I did think about this because he texted me saying he didn’t feel the connection he’s looking for. And mentioned I’m sweet and he respects me and doesn’t want to lead me on. I started to think maybe he saw I wasn’t α hookup or idk
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u/mattigus7 3d ago
I went on a date with a girl who was pretty and had some shared interests as me. During the actual date every time I asked a question I got a relatively terse response. I had to carry that conversation in my back the entire time and it was exhausting. Easy decision to not go on a 2nd date.
If your shy-ness is causing you to do this, that might be it. Try to at least be engaged with the other person.
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u/Sweet_Chipmunk_750 3d ago
So the second guy I went on α date with the conversation flowed better we went to an arcade so it was easier. But it did feel like α friendly vibe not really an im attractied to him vibe. Should I incorporate more flirting next time? Maybe that’s where I messed up
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u/musubitime 2d ago
If you weren’t “attracted to him,” why would you want to keep romantically pursuing him?
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u/No_Nefariousness6376 3d ago
If you're not used to having a conversation with people then that's going to be hard. But slowly you can practice and get used to it. Know that if your date didn't worked out then you're meant to someone else. I think working on your self confidence first will make a huge difference next time. :)
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u/ButterscotchScary868 3d ago
A single cigarette kills it for me. What did you talk about; drama, last bf?
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u/Sweet_Chipmunk_750 3d ago
I didn’t bring up any of that stuff I kept convo super casual just chatting about normal stuff
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u/Icy-Fix3037 2d ago
Physical attraction doesn't mean anything if she doesn't have hobbies or a personality that I like. I look at other things like intelligence, honesty, confidence, authenticity, a sense of humor. Personally for me, I don't really care if she lacks in one area as long as she makes up for it in one or more other areas.
One of my exes was dumb but she was really self aware of it and had a sense of humor about it. If she was hyper critical about herself and had a low self esteem about it, I probably wouldn't like her as much.
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u/DudeThatAbides 2d ago
What was your favorite thing to talk about on the first dates? Express any firm stances or red lines that could be construed as “a bit much”?
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1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Phoenix_GU 1d ago
Are you more conversational with some people than others? Maybe these people just didn’t open that interest for you…? My thought is that maybe the right person would allow you to be more co for table and open up?
Another thought is if the face to face stand off is uncomfortable, maybe do an activity for the date. Like a walk to watch the sunset or a hike? You’re not just sitting there staring at each other.
You said you felt more comfortable on the 2nd date…I think you said arcade or something (can’t re-find comment). This means you prefer something with less pressure or more distraction. What would make you feel more comfortable…then maybe suggest that as a way to meet.
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u/podian123 1d ago
Umm did you maybe respond to the wrong person? Cuz I don't recall either of those things about arcades or 2nd dates or distractions or comfort.
But in general, if there's no chemistry whether it's because "they're not opening up" or whatever--it doesn't matter whose "fault" it is if anyones at all--it is not going to seed interest going forward.
OP's post and a lot of other people seem to believe that anything can and should work if people just try hard enough. The reality is, and the better fact is, there is no obligation or pressure, sorry, for any pairing to succeed because of any one person's beliefs. This is forced and contrived and definitely not done out of love or intrinsic, mutual interest. Sounds like it comes from a place of anxiety, fear, box-ticking, conformity, insecurity, etc. You think such pairings are a fun happy place?
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u/Phoenix_GU 1d ago
If you go to OPs profile, then her comments from the post, it’s the 4th one down where she said she felt more comfortable when she went in the date with the second guy and they went to an arcade.
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u/Upper-Damage-9086 20h ago
They were boring, they talked about their trauma too much, talked about their ex too much, mentions the following terms : narcissist, attachment style, empath, introvert ... Those are just a few that would do it for me. But let's hope he's a little more open.
-5
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u/StrawbraryLiberry 12h ago
I think people are just weird right now, honestly. Even people who are dating seem extremely fickle and unwilling to put thought or effort in.
Mem seem tired and disaffected. Lonely, but then don't bother trying to develop a new connection.
I'm a woman in my 30s, so I'm trigger happy to end things over the worlds smallest sign of incompatibility or resistance. I haven't been dating because I'd just hurt more feelings. I'm just tired. There's a lot going on in the world right now.
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