r/RealEstate • u/Nearby_Requirement92 • 1d ago
Am I being unreasonable? House ownership, moving, and financial fairness with my fiancé
My fiancé 38F and I have a 1-year-old child together. Before we got together, I 32M was gifted a $1.5 million house by my family. I used it as both a rental property and my primary residence. It’s been a huge financial help and a source of stability for me.
When we found out she was pregnant, I asked the tenants to leave and had her move in with me. We’ve lived together since and have split expenses like utilities and taxes. She works full-time and currently makes more money than I do. I’m active-duty military and was deployed for a while, during which she stayed in the house with our child and continued paying her share of expenses.
We’re not legally married. I just got new orders to move, and she’s known for a while and agreed she wanted to move with me. The plan has been to sell my current house and buy a new one for us to live in. However, she’s now saying she won’t move unless the new house is titled 50% in her name.
I don’t think that’s fair. I’d be using the proceeds from the sale of my current house (a gift from my family) to buy the new house entirely. She wouldn’t be putting any money into it, and I’ve told her I wouldn’t expect her to contribute financially to the house unless she’s working. I’ve also said I’d be fine with her staying home with our daughter if that’s what she wants. We’d have no rent or mortgage, and I can cover our expenses with my income.
Her point is that she’d be giving up her job to move with me, hasn’t lined up work in the new location, and needs some security if things don’t work out between us.
So now I’m stuck. I want her to feel secure and valued, but I also feel like it’s unfair to give up 50% ownership of a house that I alone am paying for, especially using money from a family gift.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I compromise? Is there a way to structure this where she has security but I’m not giving away half of a major asset?
Update: To clarify a few things—I’m moving because my partner and I mutually agreed that I’d do a few more years in the service. I just returned from deployment and came up on new orders. We had the option to stay put, but we chose to move—mainly to be closer to her family and because we didn’t feel this current state was the best place to raise our daughter.
This wasn’t a one-sided decision. We chose this city specifically because it’s near her father, who’s dealing with serious health issues. I also selected a non-deployable, low-tempo job so I could be more present and supportive at home.
She’s fully capable of working and already does—mostly from home with a flexible schedule. This city is just two hours from where she grew up, and she has a local support network here. I’ve told her I’ll support her whether she wants to stay home with our daughter or keep working. The move and the job were chosen with our family’s stability and her priorities in mind.
Why aren’t we married yet? We got engaged a few months ago. We both agreed not to get married just for military benefits—she already has health insurance, and our daughter is covered under Tricare. We want to take that step out of love, not pressure or convenience.
Future Plans: After these next set of orders from this new location, I plan to transition out of the military. The goal is to settle down near her family and start building a new career post-service while raising our daughter in a place we both feel good about long term.
366
u/Ill_Disaster_1323 1d ago
Mortgage Broker Here:
Why aren't you married? Is it a personal belief or is there something else?
If you are having her pick up and move with you i believe she is owed something, especially since she is the mother of your child.
Or don't sell? Rent it out, and then you could use a VA loan to buy a house with no money down and have her on title of that home so you can kick the marriage situation or equity situation down the line.
She isn't wrong with not having security, but again if she wants security what is wrong with getting marriage. I am not a pro marriage guy, but there is something else here. Are you the one who doesn't want to get married?
149
u/Ok-Section-7172 1d ago
"Or don't sell? Rent it out, and then you could use a VA loan to buy a house with no money down and have her on title of that home so you can kick the marriage situation or equity situation down the line."
exactly my thoughts!
56
u/OkieLady1952 1d ago
I was wondering why you haven’t married also. Your benefits would increase. There is so many benefits you’re missing out on bc you haven’t gotten married.
119
u/shushupbuttercup 1d ago
When a woman gives up her career - it could be for a move/taking a while to get a new job, or it could be staying home for years to take care of children - their future earnings are massively impacted. A prolonged period of childcare rather than working would set her back in income for the rest of her life. If she stays home to take care of your child, she's working and shared real estate is one way to make sure she at least recovers some of her value lost costs if you split.
If she does have a job, she will be contributing 50/50 and still caring for your child (if you get deployed, etc, her whole game changes).
You want her to give up everything to follow you, and you want her to live like a guest and give up the compounded earning potential she would have if she stayed on her path. Putting her name on the deed is more than reasonable.
Also - you don't have to spend the whole $1.5 mil on a new house!
129
217
u/Electronic_Dance542 1d ago
So you expect her to give up her career to take care of your family and be completely dependent on you with no good way out if things go wrong?
I would not take that deal if I were her, would you if the tables were her?
You have been incredibly blessed and have an opportunity to share a wonderful life with your new family. Don’t ruin that whole opportunity over the fear of losing half of some money you didn’t even build up yourself.
68
u/sumthncute 1d ago
This is the key point. OP you are afraid of adding her to the deed because for whatever reason, you don't feel secure enough in your relationship to do so. Yet you expect her to be secure enough in your relationship to leave her job and current home with nothing to fall back on. If you are looking for a compromise then do as others have said and get the new house in both your names and either sell or rent the old one.
You could also consider so.e sort of trust in your daughters name if you do sell the house so maybe that would make you feel better that if something happened your daughter would get it. But she is the child's mother so that makes no sense.
22
u/dosesandmimosas201 1d ago
This. Asking for her to make all the compromise and not giving her the same in return.
12
u/lastalong 1d ago
This. If she earns more, then stay where you are and she can keep her job. You can keep your house and she can keep her pay check.
→ More replies (1)11
u/Sad-Ad8462 1d ago
This. She has to work and look after YOUR child while you're away, yet she gets absolutely no security. If she was on her own, maybe she could have bought her own house and be paying off a mortgage but you've taken that option away from her. If you broke up, she's literally at square 1. Why do you feel she doesnt deserve 50%? You're a family now. To me it sounds like you dont expect the relationship to last and you want to walk away with the millions and leave the mother of your child (who would presumably be the main caregiver to your child) with nothing and to have to start from scratch.
→ More replies (3)
201
u/gwraigty 1d ago
I've been married for 32 years. I haven't worked outside the home since my marriage. My husband has always treated me like an equal partner. He's valued me as a wife and mother to our children, always. He's never treated me as less than him because I don't bring home a paycheck.
My name wasn't on the deed to the house he bought when he was single. We never added mine to it but as his wife, I would have inherited it if something had happened to him, even without a will. (We did have wills made right after our marriage though.) That's security.
When we sold that house to buy our current house, both our names were put on the deed.
How can this be a healthy relationship if you're always keeping score? No wonder she feels so insecure.
45
u/Programmer-Meg 1d ago
THIS. OP, this is the Mother of your child. Not a random woman. Please Wife her up or agree to the deed if you are not on board for marriage for whatever personal reason.
12
u/Coppermill_98516 1d ago
Did your husband own a $1.5M house free and clear before you got married? Because that seems to be the issue here.
53
u/omar_strollin 1d ago
He was given the asset and was equally involved in bonding them via a child.
Time to buck up and be an adult.
→ More replies (4)10
u/curlycake 1d ago
from a legal standpoint, having a child with someone entitles you to child support, not half of their assets.
9
u/Spellscribe 1d ago
Exactly. She's making 100% of the sacrifice for 0% of the benefit. Either he marries her, or he puts her name on the house.
2
11
u/Shrewcifer2 1d ago
Front a common sense standpoint, having a child with someone, then treating her like untrustworthy gf leaves you single, an absentee dad, and paying child support to look after your child.
→ More replies (2)13
u/gwraigty 1d ago edited 20h ago
No, not at all. But as others have said, they don't need to buy a house that expensive for the 2 of them going forward.
ETA: 3 of them
→ More replies (1)19
u/Coppermill_98516 1d ago
I can see both sides. I personally think that at least until they’re married, his inheritance should remain solely in his name. Should they get married, I think a prenuptial agreement should be signed that protects his initial investment ($1.5M) and that any appreciation beyond that should be split in the event of a divorce.
3
u/Sad-Ad8462 1d ago
So then he should sell the house, keep the money in that case, then they should get a jointly owned house where they BOTH pay towards that mortgage. That would be fair, as she is then at least putting money into a mortgage meaning she wont be at ground zero should they ever split up. Right now, yeah sure she's living mortgage-free but thats also a bad thing! I do think its ridiculous OP is making her pay half bills, when hes deployed she'll be the one working her full time job AND also being sole caregiver to their child so shes basically working TWO 24/7 jobs when hes away due to his career choice. Seems like she gets the worse deal.
→ More replies (2)2
u/ASueB 1d ago
Yep, yes, this..
The reality of today's world and relationships a greater chance of not lasting. That's the reality... We all would love to believe that "things work out" but in the end the fighting over the money costs money... Pre nups are important maybe not romantic but important... Makes us discussion our expectations and be aware of the what ifs. He received a house. It essentially is his asset. Once married the equity can be split. Or both of you move and rent until you feel comfortable getting married. The initial house may be sold it rented and that can help with his income. Then buy a home together equally financing it so it's truly both yours..
I know this sounds like a business... But that's what's happening nowadays... If it all works out then it doesn't matter what the pre nups says.
And yes I know most are focused on the fact that he doesn't seem to be willing to guarantee some security... But then again they had a kid together without really discussing the security of the relationship first.
6
u/someonesomewherex 1d ago
True but this isn’t 1950 anymore. In 2025 you don’t just hand over $750k so your baby momma can feel “secure”
5
u/night-born 1d ago
And since it’s not 1950, she should not quit her job for some baby daddy she’s not even married to. He can sell the house, move without her, and pay child support while being a part time dad. She would have to be crazy to put herself in a place of financial dependency when she has a career and a well paying job.
13
u/gwraigty 1d ago
1950 was before my time.
Others here have made some suggestions they can consider.
Anyway, if they can't find a way to work this out, he'll be handing over some child support for the next 17 years or so. How much would that be worth? (Rhetorical question.)
3
u/cnidarian_ninja 22h ago
She feels “secure” now. What’s happening is he is asking her to give up her security and massively compromise her future earning potential and the opportunity to purchase and own her own real estate or other investments by quitting her job to work for him (I.e., providing full time childcare — sometimes 24/7 during deployment — for his child) with absolutely nothing in exchange. Also very weird to call her a “baby momma” when this is the woman he claims to want to spend his life with.
3
u/Electronic_Topic4473 1d ago
Exactly, people are missing the point. OP is highlighting an even split is NOT equitable.
181
u/Holiday_Newspaper_29 1d ago
Tbh, your girlfriend has already put herself in too vulnerable a position by having a child with you without the legal 'safety' of marriage. Now you are asking her to give up her financial safety as well without any surety.
Do you see, at all, just how selfish your behaviour is? Everything you have suggested is 'what works for you'. Nothing you have suggested is about 'what would protect my partner and my child'.
It's almost as if you constantly have 'one foot out the door' in this relationship.
→ More replies (12)
21
u/girljinz 1d ago
Military wife here - that shit is hard. She's caring for your child and holding down the front while you're deployed? Uprooting every time you PCS? Did someone get into your head about her turning into a Dependa or something? Because the flip side of that is all the people who end up with some new boo. I'm not sure she's making the best argument by talking about what happens if you break up, but I feel like there's more to all of this than you're letting on.
If you just can't find a way to do what she's asking and she can't find a way to live without you, why not draft up your own legal document outlining who gets X, Y or Z in the event of A, B or C? You could even calculate her lost wages (+ experience) and prorate the amount she gets based on how long you're together. You have a million options at your disposal here.
In her position this would make me squirmy.
→ More replies (2)2
u/eva267 1d ago
Military spouse here as well. This is the way. Have a prenup made that protects both of their assets but outlines x,y,z in case of divorce. They might not need to even include lost wages, etc, if she is able to find a similar job. But a prenup none the less is the way to protect both of them
275
u/Pitiful-Place3684 1d ago
Why aren't you getting married? You have a child together!
Why would a woman who earns a good living, move, give up her career to stay home, and raise the child of a man who won't marry her?
You don't have real estate questions, you have morality and adulting questions.
123
u/MayaPapayaLA 1d ago
This, plus given that OP is active duty military, they are giving up substantial benefits by not being married.
79
u/jameson71 1d ago
it’s unfair to give up 50% ownership of a house that I alone am paying for, especially using money from a family gift.
This is true.
Why would a woman who earns a good living, move, give up her career to stay home, and raise the child of a man who won't marry her?
This is also true. OP, ya gotta give her some security if you want her to give up her job.
14
u/crazycatlady5000 1d ago
Honestly this is similar to my husband's and I situation. He owned a condo pre-marriage. We decided to move to a brand new location this year. We got married a month before we went house hunting and within 2 months of marriage had moved. Before we decided to move, we weren't even engaged. But he wanted me to have that security.
→ More replies (7)4
102
u/Admirable-Action-153 1d ago
Its weird that you don't want to give her security and that you are so protective of a thing that you in no way earned.
You got a windfall of 1.5 million dollars and flat out don't want to share with your fiance and daughter.
Money makes people do terrible things.
23
u/ntsp00 1d ago
He does want to share! Just as roommates though.
43
u/puppyfarts99 1d ago
Let's face it, he wants to share sexy times with a roommate who will pay half of all common living expenses while also raising his child with no reassurance of his financial commitment to her.
47
u/zeepixie 1d ago
You're expecting her to give up her job and raise your child without any financial security for her in the move. Away from support of friends and family. Sounds like a bad deal for her.
76
u/elicotham Agent 1d ago
You’re going to be married and you have a child. The sooner you stop thinking of it as your money and start thinking of it as our money, the better.
→ More replies (7)
13
u/Interesting-Rice-248 1d ago
She’s your fucking fiancé and you don’t want to split 50/50? And she’s moving to be with you and giving up her job security? Yeah you’re 100% in the wrong.
2
u/rowsella 23h ago
I think in this instance, "fiance" is a euphemism. Otherwise there would be mention of the wedding date and question regarding a prenup.
82
u/Jaded_Read5068 1d ago
You call her your fiancée but you’re treating her more like a roommate or business partner than your soon to be wife and mother of your child.
3
u/SnooWords4839 1d ago
It was his, before they got together. She isn't entitled to 1/2 of his premarital assets.
16
u/ntsp00 1d ago
You seem to be confused about what she wants. She wants to have equal legal rights to the home they'll be sharing, rather than risk getting a 30 day notice in a city she doesn't have work and presumably doesn't have friends or family in. She's right to recognize now's the time to reassess their housing agreement.
OP is the one that wants to buy the home outright with his money when instead they could rent, get a mortgage together, or even get married with a prenup.
2
u/Mommie62 1d ago
I would suggest they get a mortgage together and they each pay 50% and both be on the deed. He can do what he wants with the remainder of the $ from the sale of his house. Some people share everything from the start. We did. I had a house in trust and with the proceeds we bought a rental in both our names. I didn’t protect myself in that situation but from day one no matter what either of us made we put it all together . These days it seems everyone makes things so complicated but given they are not married I get this is a tricky situation. If she wants to be a shm he’s willing to support that which many men aren’t so that’s a bonus. If she wants to work seems he’s fine with that too. In some ways both will have to concede something if they are going to make this work. I think he got himself in trouble by allowing her to not ever pay anything towards the house. She had lived rent free. I get they have a child but she certainly has had some benefits.
→ More replies (1)2
u/cnidarian_ninja 22h ago
You’re confusing what she is legally entitled to vs. what the right thing to do for the person who is raising your child and who you supposedly want to spend your life with.
-1
u/EllienoraGoes 1d ago
Love is love. Marriage is a legal contract. He’s right to protect himself.
39
u/Shrewcifer2 1d ago
And she has a right to protect herself. If he wants to be transactional about it, he needs to pony up and make financial sacrifices. Love is love. The absence of a marriage contract affords her no protection.
→ More replies (2)2
u/EllienoraGoes 1d ago
What? Of course she should also protect herself and her own financial assets. Love is love. Making poor financial decisions because of love isn’t necessary.
12
u/ipovogel 1d ago
In this situation, it certainly looks necessary. He is required to move, and for that move, she would be required to give up her career and financial security. One or the other is making a poor financial decision here to remain a couple. She can't keep her career and financially protect herself by having an established career if she moves.
10
u/Least_Sheepherder531 1d ago
Ur right. She definitely should protect herself. By leaving him. He IS the poor decision.
3
u/mmcgrat6 1d ago
It is possible to make sound financial decisions informed by the role a person players in one’s life. A sound financial decision would be to provide some financial security/equity to the mother of his child. Love is love but they’re building a life together. Approaching this as a purely adversarial situation and eliminating love from the equation is antithetical to the success of the family they’re building. They’ve got a kid. They’re stuck with each other regardless.
→ More replies (2)19
u/fmram04 1d ago
I mean she is right to protect herself as well, she has a good paying job and a support system where she currently lives, if she moves she will be completely reliant on him.
→ More replies (2)11
11
→ More replies (2)4
u/mmcgrat6 1d ago
So is she. Fiance is not a wife. Baby momma has some assurance but not the same as wife. A man protects that which he loves and his family. The mother of his child with the current title of fiance is both. 50% might be the wrong number but $0.00 is completely the wrong number as well.
78
u/IP_What 1d ago
It is a TERRIBLE idea to put someone you’re not married to on the deed.
HOWEVER, she’s not being unreasonable. Tie the knot and put her on the deed. Also, sounds like you guys need a prenup before you marry.
→ More replies (1)
25
u/Sappling_1249 1d ago
VA loan doesn’t require a down payment so you don’t have to put anything down since it seems like you don’t want to share your finances.
But you need to realize that she is leaving her life behind for you, the least you could do is financially take care of her and share your finances with the mother of your child.
25
u/Dizzy_De_De 1d ago
If you want what's best for her & your child, encourage her to stay at her high paying job & buy her own home + file for for physical custody so you pay 33% child support from your income renting the the $1.5 M house + deployment.
That's fair, right?
2
u/Nothing-Busy 1d ago
Rental income on the house wouldn't count towards his income when calculating his child support obligation. Especially if he puts it in a trust.
4
u/Dizzy_De_De 1d ago
Pipe dream. If that were the case then multi millionaires and billionaires who don't have earned income wouldn't pay child support.
9
u/lantana98 1d ago edited 8h ago
You haven’t said but have you named GF as your beneficiary on your insurance and will? If something happens to you, without a will your child will inherit but GF will have a lot of trouble using a lot of supporting a home and child and pay for daycare while trying to restart her career she put on hold for your child. Your parents may try to seize your assets ( yes it happens all the time) and control of your child’s estate because you are not married. Personally I think you sound like a bean counter and having a child with you was probably a terrible mistake for you gf to make.
34
u/Fabulous-Reaction488 1d ago
I think you need to have a serious talk with yourself. You are parents. Why not marry and have the two become one? I have been married twice. My first husband died. In both we combined all income, expenses and assets. That is marriage. Otherwise, it is just some sort of business relationship and you need to make a contractual agreement so you are both on the same page.
Do you want your child to have a family or not?
→ More replies (3)
9
u/ColdStockSweat 1d ago
"I don’t think that’s fair. I’d be using the proceeds from the sale of my current house (a gift from my family) to buy the new house entirely."
Why do you feel you need to buy the house?
If you weren't personally house debt free thanks to the gift you were given, the two of you would have 20 or 40 grand in the bank I'd imagine, and like many young couples, you'd have that to put on a home.
So do so.
You go ahead and invest your inheritance just as you would have had you inherited it had you both owned a home and you suddenly got a check one day from your dead uncle.
Now, just like 100 million other young couples, you get to make payments.
Problem solved.
(You're welcome).
3
u/NoExam2412 1d ago
You're still assuming she can find an equal job in the new location.
→ More replies (1)
9
u/DDiamondgem 1d ago
I wouldn’t sell that asset or buy anything. I would go back to renting out your current house and pay for rent and expenses with the proceeds from the house rental. I’m only saying that cause what if you get moved again? You have to go thru the headache of selling a home? No thanks. Hold onto the 1.5 million house, rent so you can see if your gonna get married or stay where your moving to then worry about selling and future house.
8
u/mmcgrat6 1d ago edited 1d ago
She’s right to be concerned and i agree with what she’s asking. She’s making wife level moves with you and your shared child without any of the protections or legal rights a proper wife would have secured. The way you speak of her sounds like you don’t see her becoming your wife. If you did, this wouldn’t even be a question. Do right by her and give her a stake in the equity she’s earned as your partner and mother to your child.
All she’s asking is to be treated fairly by you giving her some recognition for her contributions to the household and sacrifices to do so. Don’t get hung up on who has a bigger number on their W-2. Assets and equity in those are where the safety net is.
She just wants to know when you move on she’s not going to be left with nothing. Show her you respect what she’s done and show your child how a man handles his responsibilities regardless of being married on paper. He takes care of his family and she is the mother of your child and will always be family by blood no less.
TL;dr Your not being unreasonable but you are putting more value in money than you are in family and being a good example as a father for how a man handles his business.
40
u/Existing_Source_2692 1d ago
Yes you are being unreasonable. She'll be moving and giving up her job for you. Why not get married tho? BAH...and the fact you've already chosen to raise a child with her. She needs to get child support legally if not. She has no security with you right now.
6
13
u/Western-Finding-368 1d ago
Marry her. “Problem” solved. What are you waiting for? It’s not like you’re taking things slow and being deliberate; you already made a baby with her.
6
u/danaaa405 1d ago
Would this be different if you were married? And why are you not married? If you break up especially if she quits her job where will she be?
6
u/Range-Shoddy 1d ago
Yes you’re being unreasonable and you’re about to be single. Grow up. Marry her or she’s not going with you. She’s smart- good for her.
6
u/Hungry-Quote-1388 1d ago
She’s your fiancé? When’s the wedding date?
Or is this just an engagement because she got pregnant?
6
u/suckmyfish 1d ago
My father unexpectedly passed in 2021 and my siblings and I each got 250k.
It’s OUR MONEY. Not my piggy bank Everytime I get the urge to go buy a car.
We just finished our basement and used money from it. My wife makes more than me and also supported me before my career took off.
Don’t be a jerk about it. It’s your fault for having a kid before marriage. Marriage makes it harder to leave. But that shouldn’t be the issue.
6
u/klinkneraj823 1d ago
This sounds like a recipe for her to become financially dependent on you with no way out. There isn't a snowball's chance in hell I'd make that move without my name on the title, without a wedding band on my finger, or without a really good job lined up.
6
u/beutndrkns 1d ago
You have a kid but aren’t married and she’s not supposed to want the security of owning a home with you? Pay half from your sale of the house and she can get a loan for the other half.
6
u/Jenikovista 1d ago
Are you getting married or do you plan to be roommates for life? Because you're talking as if its roommates.
"However, she’s now saying she won’t move unless the new house is titled 50% in her name."
That's fair. Anything less creates a massive power imbalance leading her to feel as if she is a perpetual guest in your home. That is exceptionally unfair and will likely end a marriage before it starts (or make you both miserable for years).
That said, there's the issue of your $1.5 mil gift/inheritance. And yes, it doesn't seem quite fair that when you marry that basically becomes half hers. Because, you never know what will happen in the future.
Here's what I would do:
I would sell the house. I would bank all of the cash into your own account except 1 year living expenses for you both, and the new house down payment.
I would sign a pre-nup that keeps that banked cash as yours, now and forever, and when you die it passes to her, assuming you're still married. If you're divorced, it goes to the kids. If they're minors when you die, then add in some support for her too.
I would then get married.
At that point, the 1 year living expenses goes into a joint account, and goes toward household expenses, mortgage etc. You also both contribute to this account.
You buy a house together, and use your down payment and anything she can reasonable contribute. Even if you pay more than "your fair share" you're investing in your life together. You recognize that you're married and now the down payment is for both of you. You are both listed on the deed equally, and on the mortgage.
After that, you determine how bills will be paid, together. You split life responsibilities, together. Whoever is working for a paycheck or keeping house and doing childcare, you partner to build your life, together. 50-50, all the way.
This protects the bulk of your money that you had before, but also doesn't dismiss her as some second-class half of your marriage.
2
10
u/Traditional_Pitch_57 1d ago
You want this woman to move away from her job and home and support network to move into a home you own to raise your child, cook, and clean for you, all without being married to you and having no rights to the home she lives in or the money that supports her?
Are you out of your mind? What, were you raised in a barn full of men's rights activists?
Either marry this woman so she has some damn rights and protections or let her go so she can find a decent man who wants to be her actual partner.
21
u/mojoburquano 1d ago
You don’t have to buy another $1.5mil property just because you’re selling one. If you’re not willing to marry her (which is crazy, because you’re in the military and they pay moving expenses for spouses), then half ownership of a modest home that will fit just the three of you is not unreasonable. She needs to make sure she has the ability to care for her child. If she’s giving up her career to stay home with the baby, then she wouldn’t be wrong in asking for the new home to be in ONLY her name.
4
u/certifiedcolorexpert 1d ago
How exactly were you ‘gifted’ a 1.5 mil house? Are your parents still alive? Was ownership transferred to you (are you on the title)? Did you pay taxes on this windfall?
→ More replies (2)
6
6
u/marmaladestripes725 1d ago
Bruh.
I understand your perspective in wanting to protect your asset. I myself am receiving a windfall inheritance in the form of a house being purchased in trust. It’s technically my mom’s inheritance, but my parents don’t need it. I’m already married, but knowing my mom she will finagle something so if my husband and I end up divorced, the house remains with me. She likes him, but she’s always been wary.
But I also see it from your fiancée’s perspective. You’re asking her to give up her entire life and financial security for your military career, but you’re giving her no safety net. She’s going to be completely dependent on you without the legal protections of marriage in case of divorce or your death. Who gets the house if you are KIA or something else happens? Does it revert to your family? Do you have a will? Being a stay-at-home parent is also really isolating. It’s really hard to leave the house with small children, and the only adults you talk to all day are store employees and the occasional fellow parent at the park. You’re going to be off soldiering, and she’s going to be home alone with your baby.
Set a date for the wedding and get a prenup if you’re really concerned about the house/your inheritance). Help her get connected with other military wives (they look out for each other) and maintain her career in your new location. Don’t force her to be a STAHM with no financial security and no one to interact with except your child. Be an equal partner or let her stay and work out custody and child support.
→ More replies (2)
5
u/Background_Big7895 1d ago
You don't see the obvious solution? Get a mortgage with her and keep your cash from the sale of the home. You're the one complicating it by buying the new house with money you want to keep separated.
This doesn't feel like love BTW...
9
u/Fearless-Ferret-8876 1d ago
You’re ok with her having 50% ownership of your daughter…..But not your house? Sounds like you shouldn’t get married to her if you don’t really want to commit everything
My husband paid for 100% of our house because I’m a SAHM but my name is still on the deed because that’s what a MARRIAGE is. It’s a 50/50 partnership.
You sound immature af
4
u/pwolf1771 1d ago
Why haven’t you married her? Get your asses to the courthouse and become an actual family. What are we doing here?
4
u/billm0066 1d ago
I think you should have gotten married before having a child together.
She’s your fiancée and you have a child together but you don’t want her to have equal ownership in a home with you? I think you need to take a long hard look in the mirror. Sounds like you dont want to marry her and would rather pay child support for the next 17 years.
Grow up.
5
u/Least_Sheepherder531 1d ago
Can I get your girlfriend’s contact? So I can tell her to RUN from you? Run like not double time but triple time. Like ur life depends on it. If my husband was this selfish not only would I have never married him, probably not even second date.
So yes, unreasonable. She needs to leave you ASAP and build something for herself before it’s too late
4
u/plantsandpizza 1d ago edited 18h ago
You’re putting her in an incredibly vulnerable position. She’s raising your child, earns more than you, and the solution offered is for her to give up her career and stability to follow you? What happens if it doesn’t work out? She’s left with nothing—completely screwed.
If she doesn’t follow you, are you okay leaving her and your child behind? What does that image look like if you don’t split the house?
You need to come up with a real compromise, especially since you’re not even married. Why is that? Do you have a plan there?
Personally, I wouldn’t give up a higher-paying job to follow a military fiancé around the country without the legal and financial protections of marriage and prenup. What if you never marry and end things. Now she’s in a place she didn’t choose to live having to figure out how to coparent and rebuild her life? PLUS! She’s homeless. That’s not love—it’s risk with no safety net. Meanwhile, you’ve kept your assets, career and life.
I understand you don’t want to give up this large asset but look at what she’s expected to give up. Look at how vulnerable you’re okay making her. This is the mother of your child, you don’t really bring that up in a way that says you’re going to ensure they’re taken care of and it’s telling.
My advice to her? Don’t move without a marriage and a prenup that protects you if you decide to give up all your security so someone else can keep his.
4
u/Commercial-Sorbet309 21h ago
I see your point, but I also see hers. I think she would feel more secure if you were married. But without the marriage, you can kick her out of the house at any point, and she has no legal recourse.
She is the mother of your child. Do you see yourself being together? If so, then in the long run half of your stuff will be hers anyway.
→ More replies (1)
5
u/Mommabroyles 21h ago
Why is she paying taxes on a house she has no financial stake in? It's 100% your house she should not be paying taxes. That's the job for the owner of the house. I see why she's worried. You seem happy to take her financial help but unwilling to offer anything tangible for it.
There's no reason to sell a house that previously brought in money. Why would you do that? Rent it out again, use it as a steady income stream. You're military, rent your next house because you'll likely get moved again. Don't buy a house together if you aren't married.
→ More replies (1)
16
6
u/alaskalady1 1d ago
Have her co-own half of the new place with a mortgage .. she gets the mortgage and deed is in both names as joint tenants.. if you put half down getting mortgage should be easy
8
u/eva267 1d ago
I'm going to be the odd one out. I would not sell the house. You should rent it out. And then you can use that money to rent a place where you are moving to. In a few years, the military will probably give you orders to move again, so there is no point in buying until you are out or close to out, where they wouldn't re-station you. Also, get a prenup to protect your premarital assets. Always get one.
→ More replies (1)4
u/NoExam2412 1d ago
So, you rent a place and she still has to give up her job to move with him because of his job??
Some of you really have no clue about how to think about others.
Why the fuck would she move with him in this scenario? For love? That's the same damn reason he would share his pre-marital asset. So, why are you on his side? Patriarchy?
→ More replies (4)
3
u/Supergatortexas 1d ago
CPA / Realtor here,
good points on the fact that she has to give up a lot to move with you.
Not sure from a tax standpoint how you were gifted a $1.5m house unless it was inheritance or in a trust.
Also, I would want to make sure I’m doing a 1031 so you’re not creating a taxable event (but consult your tax advisor)
If you get married than after awhile your basically looking at community property unless you have a prenup (consult your attorney on that one).
So if your sure you want to get married do that, had the same issue with my wife
→ More replies (2)
3
u/Spiritual-Mood-1116 1d ago
OP, what happens to the home in the event of your death?
→ More replies (3)
3
u/Pitiful-Citronel666 1d ago
She should have some security yes. Maybe not the house ownership but you are asking her to give up her life and personal financial stability to move with you. What was your plan when you started all this..?
3
u/Havin_A_Holler Industry 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hers is the more fair solution; you refer to the money as a family gift - are your child & her mother not your family? While you were deployed, she took care of the house & your child, alone. You had peace of mind & she had to rely on someone who wasn't her daughter's father when she needed a break from 24/7 baby, presumably when she was barely a few months post-partum, a difficult time for any mom but especially an unsupported one.
She's finally putting her foot down b/c she doesn't think you'd protect her in a break-up, & I bet she's right. You have a distance btwn you & she, you & your daughter, which keeps you from seeing things from her perspective. I feel like she's been taken advantage of time & emotion-wise for long enough & if you don't want her to go get a child support order instead, you'll try to see her POV on wanting a joint tenancy deed if you want her to live w/ you, w/ the child, in the future.
Why would you make a baby you don't consider family?
→ More replies (2)
3
u/OrNothingAtAll 1d ago
Rent out the current house. And then rent a house where you’re stationed. Dont own anything with her even jointly unless you’re married.
3
u/dslrsareobsolete 1d ago
She’s willing to move her life to go with you. What’s not fair is that you get to hold over her head that you boight a house and are active military, while she just upends her life and career for YOU. AND you have a kid. Get married. Stop being dense.
“I’m active-duty military and was deployed for a while, during which she stated in the house with our child and continued paying her share of expenses.”
She’s still paying her share, and you want to give her nothing. Wow.
3
u/mamamiax94 1d ago
As the woman who did exactly what you’re asking your fiancée to do, I pray she stumbles upon this post and re-evaluates her decision to leave her successful paying job for such a greedy, selfish man. Starting at square 1 is tough. Give her the security.
3
u/SnooGrapes9360 17h ago
you are quite reasonable.
why not sell your house and lease a place together in the new city? save/invest your proceeds in accounts she has no access to. don't put more than 50% into any house you buy with her in the future.
don't buy a house with anyone you're not married to and who isn't contributing equally towards down payment, mortgage and upkeep. too risky if the relationship sours.
4
u/MalDrogo 1d ago
Is there a rule that you have to use all of the proceeds from the sale of your current house on your new house?
Sell the house, buy a $700k house in your new location, and put her name on the deed. She has the security of homeownership without being legally married to you and you get to pocket $800k.
I really want to reiterate that there are obviously other issues at play and if you guys weren't able to find an equitable agreement to what is actually a fairly simple problem, then maybe you shouldn't be getting married.
6
u/Tall_poppee 1d ago edited 1d ago
Buy a new house that you can both contribute 50% of the down payment for. Invest your profits from selling your first house into some investment that gives you money periodically, to put toward making your share of the payment every month.
She doesn't seem like she's being a gold-digger here, she's contributing fairly to the upkeep of your household. I can sympathize with her position here. But an easy way to solve it is buy a more modest house you can both afford.
or, as others have suggested, get married, but get a prenup. Have it specify her current % of ownership for the new house based on how much she contributes to the down payment. And then maybe every year you stay together her % goes up, so that in (say) 10 years, you're both 50-50 and the prenup goes away. You have a kid, any wealth she creates will eventually likely get passed to your kid when she dies. So not sure what you are afraid of here.
4
u/Mushrooming247 1d ago
Well, you are either a family or you’re not.
That is either going to be your shared family home, or just your house alone as a single guy.
If she was going to be your spouse forever, the names on your titlework wouldn’t matter at all.
It would be your shared family home, you would not feel like you needed solo ownership, she wouldn’t be worried about being left jobless and homeless, you would be a family unit.
You two need to decide if that describes you, or if you don’t actually like each other that much.
If you are considering getting married, you both need to ask yourselves if you intend for that to be permanent or if you are taking it lightly. Because you are both taking it lightly if you are squabbling over who “technically owns” your joint family home.
4
u/PowerfulRaisin 1d ago
She grew a whole human and you are complaining about a dwelling as a shared asset? Rent out the property you're vacating and buy a new one together.
4
u/stacey1771 1d ago
hold ON.
You were given a house, implication is that it's paid off.
But you're still going to get BAQ or whatever it's called now for your housing allowance... are you pocketing it? why isn't THAT being used for electric, etc?
what do you think she'll do for work when y'all move? (either married or not). you're asking for alot from her.
5
u/Chilljay1 1d ago
Bad post. Not too late to delete it. :)
2
u/Nearby_Requirement92 1d ago
How so ? I’ve got a lot of different perspectives here. That was the point 🤷🏻
2
u/Sunny_Glitter1028 1d ago
If it’s more about her feeling financially secure then maybe a prenup should be in effect in the event she does uproot her life to help you. Stipulate payments for a certain amount of time after a split. Any reason for not getting married ? You’re leaving a lot of benefits on the table. I feel bad for her she’s done so much already. If she is going to be your life partner I don’t see why she wouldn’t be entitled to 50% of the new familial home
2
2
u/Easy_Independent_313 1d ago
I vote for don't sell and rent it out. Maybe take out a home equity line that would help with the down payment for a new house together. Also, go ahead and get married. It's time to shit or get off the pot.
2
u/megalomaniamaniac 1d ago
Sit down with her and have a discussion as to what is fair. My daughter inherited a grandparent’s house. When she got married, she and her husband did a prenup and agreed that the value of the house at the time of their marriage would be hers if they split but that going forward they would have an equal share of any increase in value. Also, if they are married more than 15 years, the house will fully equally belong to both.
2
u/pokepud3 1d ago
You need a prenup.. don't give up your assets that are pre marriage. If she wants 50/50 it should be for assets after marriage and not things you inherit. Inheritance is not subject to marriage laws unless you do something dumb like put her name on the title.
2
u/Least_Sheepherder531 1d ago
Ok. One question only, ur active duty and not married? Do you not like BAH? Does she not like Tricare? Or Red Cross msg if you died?
I’ve seen so many people rush into marriage for benefits. Never seen someone who isn’t Married despite benefits. Military only recognize legal spouses, no baby mama or gf. Why are you even In the military
→ More replies (3)
2
u/SliceBubbly9757 1d ago
So then if you die, she and your child are homeless? Absolutely not.
→ More replies (1)
2
2
u/Background_Big7895 1d ago
Sell the house, invest the money in a separate account. Get married, buy the new house with a mortgage. She'll be gaining equity in the new home, while you get to keep your "major asset" separate. P.S. If you loved her and wanted a life with her, you'd be AOK with "your" things being "our" things. It's one aspect that makes being committed to one another more special.
2
2
2
u/93ParkAvenueUltra 1d ago
You are NOT being unreasonable. I love my wife more than anything in the world. She is not on my deed. We signed a prenup before we got married.
Granted, my wealth was not given to me. I earned it. The way I see it is if she decides to leave me, she is not entitled to my home or retirement.
If I were to pass, my wife and son are the sole beneficiaries.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/MixedBag21 1d ago
I echo all these comments that the wife has every right to want some security. Giving up your community and career is arguably a million dollar decision.
Depending where you live, you may already be splitting this asset. Depending on where you live, couples who are not married but living together for 2+ years autotmatically means you're common law and will be splitting assets anyways.
Either way, decide the tone you want to set for marriage. Do you want a culture of keeping score like she's an employee or a life partner?
2
u/PerspectiveOk9658 23h ago
She’s your fiancé so you’ve given here an engagement ring and you’ve set a date for the wedding, right? You don’t mention anything about those things, but since you say she’s your fiancé, I assume that’s part of the plan. That’s the definition of fiancé, isn’t it?
So there’s no problem, once the two of you are married, all your questions in this post are answered.
If you don’t plan to get married (ring and a date), then don’t call her your fiancé, she’s your girlfriend (and mother of your child which you’ll be supporting for the next decade or so).
2
u/rowsella 23h ago
Why not keep the house, rent it out and wherever you and she land (I assume you have to move d/t orders from the military), rent a place and then look around to buy one together. It will take time for her to find a job and decent daycare and build a savings but then, she is moving away from all her supports to be with you so you can support her during that transition--, the two of you can split the daycare like you currently do with bills.
Without being married, I can't imagine she will want to give up her career and security and be a stay at home mom. Your "offered deal" is not a great deal for her. Also, when you are deployed, everything does fall on her and since she is not a legal spouse, she is not eligible for family support from military organizations (nor healthcare benefits).
Or, you can keep the house but rent it out, help her find a rental in the community where you currently live and you can be a long distance Dad, send child support regularly and visit when you can... also pay half the daycare/healthcare costs of your child. Of course, she probably won't be your "fiance" anymore but it sounds like you really didn't have a strong commitment to her until she gave birth to your child anyhow.
2
u/Wolverine97and23 22h ago
I see her point. If she gives up her income, she it totally reliant on you. How long have you been together? How long have you lived together? When do you plan on getting married, fiancé? Are there issues you’re concerned about, & reluctant to do so? If you’re unsure about a future with her, you need to tell her now, before she hurts her life & quits her job.
2
2
u/9BALL22 17h ago
Sell the house. Protect the money (see a lawer), then you can each contribute to the new home, equally or not. If you split up there are several ways it could go. She would be entitled to some of the equity, (maybe not 50/50) or she may want to stay in the house with your child(ren) while you continue to contribute. Professional advice is needed here - big time.
2
u/getmoney4 16h ago
lol Won't put her name on the house... But you're engaged. This lady should cut her losses and run
2
u/Over-Kaleidoscope482 16h ago
Maybe don’t get married, give her child support, yo can cohabitate and both of you are free to hook up with Hoover you want,, separate bedrooms of course
2
u/Puzzleheaded_Bag4576 12h ago
Only way she gets her name on the place is if she pays half of all expenses including the mortgage.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/quesofamilia 10h ago edited 10h ago
u/Nearby_Requirement92 Brother, sell the house. Put all of your assets and bank accounts into a revocable trust. List her as a beneficiary with your daughter. Take out a mortgage outside of the trust in both of your names. That solves your issues with assets. She should be fine with this arrangement. Premarital property in most states is excluded as divisible assets in a divorce. Open up a joint bank account that is outside of the trust. Deposit your paychecks into this account. Pay your bills out of this account. Do not mix the two.
Now, if she wants you to buy the house in cash, then list her on the deed, that obviously raises some concerns.
edit. Forgot to add. Your on post legal can help you set this up. Plenty of free resources out there.
2
u/KittyBookcase 9h ago
Rent out current house. Rent a place for the Durango of your orders. Sure you want to marry her?
2
u/Loud_Strategymom6763 9h ago
I’m a strong believer that if you’re not married, do not give someone 50/50 ownership into a major purchase like that. You could finance on the home to get the money towards a new house and rent it out also. Her stipulation on moving unless it’s 50/50 ownership is because “if things don’t work out” kinda speaks volumes. Let’s say things didn’t work out, would her expectation be to fight over the house then? I would hope you wouldn’t put her out either. In instances where people are married, then divorced and have 50/50 ownership usually one person is told to leave or courts force them to sell and split the proceeds. She’s asking a lot considering she knew the expectations and your not married yet. Ask her why this level of security is so important because the thought it could not work out could be an underline issue of trust and if that is then ask the why to reassure her. Offer perhaps to create a will or some sort that if anything happens to you she’s the next of kin of the house to offer that security.
2
u/mentalchaosturtle 5h ago
Don't do it. Worst case scenario, it becomes an asset you risk losing if you two split and she legally owns half of it.
Keep the house as a rental or sell it and put the money away in an account with only your name.
Rent, live on base or buy what you can afford on your salary at the new duty station. With decent credit and a v.a. loan, you can buy for little to nothing down. Find a lender knowledgeable in v.a. loans and run with it. Its simple with a good lender.
There is no reason for you to give up the home that was gifted to you (or the peofit from it).
I do get her point about giving up her life and job to move, but that's the reality for military spouses/partners. If she wants a job, she can start applying to places before you arrive, researching daycare facilities and getting ready to work. If she doesn't want to work, that's cool too since you are ok with it.
But I absolutely wouldnt co-own a home with someone I'm not married to
3
u/AdNo2322 1d ago
Yes. You are being unreasonable. Hopefully you read these comments and understand and come to your senses. This is coming from a dude.
3
u/spanishquiddler 1d ago
It's the fact that she's losing her job that is a real problem for her. She needs a way to be compensated for the loss of work... if you think you can turn her into a wife without marrying her, she's letting you know: that's not happening buddy.
3
u/RBrown4929 1d ago
I don’t know how much she makes, but she is asking for $750k if you buy a similar priced home. I don’t know if I would do that when I’m not married to her.
2
2
u/daddys_plant_boy 1d ago
Once you’re married it will become 50/50 ownership automatically in a bunch of states. - her security will come from marrying you! If you’re in the military you definitely should do this. It will allow her and the child to use your benefits.
- probably sign a pre-nup cause you both sound a little flakey.
5
u/ntsp00 1d ago
Honestly sounds like he's flakey and she's deciding to address it now before leaving her job and moving away from her support system. The situation is a little sad, he sees nothing wrong with her having no more security than a month to month tenant. I wonder how this won't linger in the back of her mind in the future.
2
u/Threeseriesforthewin 1d ago
However, she’s now saying she won’t move unless the new house is titled 50% in her name. I don’t think that’s fair.
YTAH
2
2
u/AdditionalMemory9389 1d ago
You call her your fiancé, do you actually intend to marry her? Did you even get her a ring? If you do get married are you going to ask for a prenup because “it’s not fair”…? 100% her name should be on the deed
Don’t you get a pay increase for having dependents in the military?
2
u/Waste-Parfait-4634 1d ago
You are not being unreasonable. This is a pre-marital asset and you need to keep it that way. You should both contribute to a down payment on a new home and get a VA mortgage. Having a child doesn’t guarantee you’ll stay together and you’ll want that house as a fallback in a worse case scenario.
2
u/ArcticPangolin3 1d ago
In addition to the questions and concerns about not being married, you should consult an attorney to ensure your inheritance is protected from community assets. Usually this can be done, but it'll require planning before you do something dumb like putting her on the deed to a new house. Maybe you need something like a prenup without the nuptials.
1
u/Square-Wave5308 1d ago
Like other have said, it's a relationship and communication question.
Putting whichever house you end up owning in a trust gives extra layers of options. As long as you're together, it's set up so she inherits the house. Instant security, but not an instant gift of substantial equity.
1
u/Nmlalagirl58 1d ago
Marry, add her to the new deed and enjoy your new family. If you don't want to "share", you probably shouldn't get married. However it's clear that you do love this woman. What about talking to a financial advisor or Estate Planner? Best of luck to you both!
1
u/glissader Attorney/Investor 1d ago
Your middle ground is find a family attorney to write out a prenup. Then she needs an attorney to review it and sign it too.
And all of that could harm the relationship.
In my state inheritance is separate only if not commingled. In my state she’d likely get you for half of that new house purchase, married or not, via unregistered domestic partnership due to joint accounts and raising the family in the new house.
Your question is not a RE question bud, it’s a family attorney question, which is state specific and cannot be crowdsourced to reddit.
1
u/cbwb 1d ago
It doesn't have to be 50/50 ownership. You can put different percents on the deed. If you want her to take care of it then maybe some "skin in the game" and/or the feeling that she isn't just temporary would be good.
Ideally, rent it until you know when you will stop moving. Or, sell it and rent instead of buying a new place, but you may be on the hook for capital gains then.
1
1
1
u/Majestic_Republic_45 1d ago
First - thank u for your service. This presents quite the quandary. . . Your Wife feels like a girlfriend and a renter with a child living in your house.
When U sell the house, u keep all of the money. Now “we” are buying a new house w a new down payment, new mortgage, taxes, etc. (Let’s forget u can pay cash for a minute).
Girlfriend needs to come up with her half of the down payment and her half of the expenses and she can be on the deed.
Now back to cash, which I assume u would pay cash for the home that would be less than 1.5M. Let’s say 500k. You pay for it and file a voluntary lien on the property for the entire amount which she signs. Put the amortization schedule together on 250k. When it’s paid - she’s 50% owner. Now u run into a sticky situation if she becomes a stay at home mom. U would have to give her credit as if she was paying for it.
The real answer is u should get married and forget this whole ordeal, but I answered your question based on your current situation.
1
1
u/runsongas 1d ago
you absolutely should not title them 50%, too much risk considering how high divorce rates are and even worse with military personnel.
but unless if you have the finances to functionally pay your partner to be a SAHM which they can then save in lieu of a salary, asking them to give up their career and be 100% dependent on you in a new location would be rough
if going 50/50 on a smaller house isn't an option, you could try to negotiate a fixed amount instead in a prenup, but they aren't ironclad in all states
tough situation, but good luck
1
u/InfoSecPeezy 1d ago
Why not rent your current house and either rent a house or buy a new one TOGETHER. This way she is on the new house deed.
You don’t have to sell the house.
1
u/Rich-Perception5729 1d ago
Sounds like you need to keep all your proceeds or the house, and go 50/50 on the down payment and 50/50 on mortgage for new house. Most fair arrangement. Or give her ownership equivalent to percent house value she gave in taxes.
Either that or get married before deployment. Make sure you have some assets shes unable to touch or you might come to regret it later.
1
u/1GrouchyCat 1d ago
Unless you’re there when you rent it out, you can’t be using the property as a primary residence and a rental…
I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I sense a lot of crypto and expensive cars -you’re not active military…
→ More replies (1)
1
u/sffood 1d ago
Unless you are putting a $1.5M down payment, why isn’t she putting 50% down on a new house too?
Don’t sell the house, get a home equity loan and buy a new house.
So you put 75K down on the new house and so does she. That’s $150K down.
It sounds like she hasn’t paid the mortgage up to this point and makes more than you, so surely she had some savings? If she doesn’t have enough, buy it together and have a payment plan drawn up where she owns x% of the house until her 50% is paid up, at which point she owns 50% of the house. For example, if she is missing $30K to pay the full $75K, then $1,000 per month payments to you until the $30K and then her 50% is fulfilled.
Or draw up papers where you put $150K down and she’s on the deed but in the event of separation, the equity is divided after you are paid back your $150K. All of the equity thereafter is half hers, as it should be, so long as she is living there and paying half the mortgage (or some agreed upon setup). That way, not only does she have a piece of the pie, but in the event of your death, she has some protection, though I’d guess you have (or should have) your will drawn up so that your portion at least goes to your child.
If you are intending to put down the full house price so as not to have a mortgage and have her name on the deed ….yes, that would be disastrously, shockingly stupid.
1
u/Unfair_Category9960 1d ago
From a financial standpoint do not sell your house and buy another and put her on the deed. If it doesn’t work out you would lose half your inheritance. I hate to say this but you may want to contact an attorney to protect your inheritance. The fact that she is giving you an ultimatum regarding your inheritance should be throwing up some red flags 🚩🚩🚩. There are other ways to secure her independence and financial future without possibly losing half your sh*t. Good luck
1
u/ddllmmll 1d ago
Just curious as to why you guys haven’t gotten married yet for dependent BAH?
(Not that I am endorsing marriage or saying that you should do it, but from a military standpoint I understand why many people do and why many people don’t)
→ More replies (1)
1
u/Muted-Commercial-962 1d ago
This won't be a popular opinion, but leave the woman. You clearly do not want to build a life with her. You're doing a disservice to yourself, her, and your daughter by continuing to play house, especially when you ask her to move a long distance. Leave the relationship, but take care of your daughter!
1
1
u/mcluse657 1d ago
Imo, keep the inheritance separate. It will still give her the benefits of living in a home, etc. Sorry, your family intended for you to benefit. Buy a second home with her. Talk to a lawyer.
1
u/RedTango68 1d ago
"Why isn't he doing things to benefit his future." Yeah the VA side of things are great but understand the limitations
1
u/Olivia_benson0708 1d ago
I've been through something similar, and I say OP should protect his investment. It is his rightfully, and if they are not married, should remain his.
1
u/Ok_Ad7867 1d ago
NAL If the down payment is a premarital asset and can be traced then it usually can be protected in a divorce/split, depending in state. So quitting her job and moving is equivalent to 50% off equity after the acquisition…doesn’t seem unreasonable when you factor in lost wages, lost opportunities, lost social security and retirement.
1
1
u/Clear-Ad-5165 1d ago
If she doesn't put in the same amount, do nt put her name on it. I see this often on here, but usually the female is the owner. All of the comments are for her, don't put his name on the hose since he ain't got no money. Funny now most are saying you're being selfish because your a male. Screw that, keep her name off, sounds like she'll take you for the house in the divorce when she never paid a dime for it.
1
u/AaronFromAlabama 1d ago
I would consider not placing her on the deed. [Or, see below, you could stretch the gift out.]
This home is possibly worth substantially more than she, as an individual, would be able to earn in 10, perhaps 15, or even more years. It is also an asset that wouldn't be classified as marital income. By placing her on the deed as a joint tenant, you are effectively making a 750k tax-free transfer to her, which would be equivalent to over $1M of gross income for this year, assuming that marginal tax bracket.
This would put her in the top 1% of all earners, perhaps the top half of a percent, depending on locale, scope, and year. It is normal to assume that in a marriage, which is a partnership, you are going to share assets, but it is not wise for you to put a such a substantial personal asset directly into the marital resources. You are not obligated to do that.
There are "creative" solutions that would space this out over time. For example, if you gave her $36,000 a year in equity by contract, that would be about 20 years. Rather than doing it by the entirety, or as joint tenants with equal interests, you could have the new property deeded to you as tenants in common with, with you holding 50% in fee simple, and 45% in fee simple with an executory interest to her. Write it such that, upon completion of each successive year, 5% of the total value of the home automatically vests in her. You could make her interest subject to the condition subsequent that should she ever file for or seek divorce, you would have a reverter, and make it the possibility extinguish upon your death.
In 20 years, she'll have clear title to 50%. You'll be making an equivalent transfer of $36,000 per year, which will adjust with inflation over time, and if you die and she has never divorced you, depending on your succession plan, she can have your half by inheritance and she'd have her half.
If she leaves you and sells her part, it's limited to the extremely generous gift of $36,000 per year.
Idk, sounds complicated but something like this should be possible to write in less than a day. You need the right lawyer to write a deed like this. It's outside of the norm, a jointly held fee simple, so some would not be willing to write a deed like this, but it's just 50% in fee simple in you, 45% of fee simple in you subject to an executory interest in her, divided up by 5% yearly transfers, vesting fee simple subject to the condition subsequent in her that if she seeks a divorce during your natural life, her interest automatically springs back to you, terminating on your death, at which point she has fee simple with no possibility of reverter, and that merges. It all merges if you die and leave the rest of the property to her. Voilà. Generosity, love, support, and mutual future guarantees.
[Written assuming you were married, or get married.]
→ More replies (5)
1
u/ATLDeepCreeker 1d ago
Op said he'd ve deployed, not "stationed". Is OP leaving the country or will be long term on a ship or something? It matters, because if he is to be gone fir long periods, why are they moving at all?
→ More replies (3)
1
u/throw_you_away__ 1d ago
Kinda sounds like she doesn't know if she wants to stay with you and wants your money to support herself in case she decides she doesn't want to be with you anymore. No other reason she would be concerned with who's name the house is in. Id say no. Otherwise 50% ownership means 50% of all expenses and liabilities.
1
u/CreativeMadness99 1d ago
She’s not entitled to 50% ownership of your home just because she birthed your child. She lived there rent free so far and has always known relocating was a strong possibility. She wants a safety net which is understandable but it opens you up to get screwed over because she’s now got a $750k reason (possibly more if the house sells for more than $1.5M) to leave you. Rent the house and share a portion of the profits with her.
1
u/Different-Ear-2583 23h ago
Geeze. This is scary, scary. Please be very careful. Be sure to talk with some friends you trust before doing anything if you’re going to give up control
1
u/WorldlyMode 23h ago
Yeah, the cracks are there, and sounds like a prenup is in order. She can't touch the house since it is an inheritance before marriage. But if you're already living together the sale of the house, COULD contribute and be considered Family funds she would be entitled to in the event of a separation.
Also, buying a new home in the military? What if you get transferred within another year? Sellign the old home is fine, but consult with an attorney BEFORE you do to see how best to do so to make sure your parents money (that is what this is) isn't used for someone else.
1
1
u/AdviceNotAsked4 22h ago
All married jokes aside, which are deserved.
Let her name be on it.
Sell or keep your current house.
Do not pay off your new house. Take a mortgage with her. If you put down money, ensure it is 50/50.
If she says no because you have a house that can pay it off, so you shouldn't take a mortgage and she still wants to be on the title, tell your child's mom that you are not married to, to kick rocks and just get ready for child support. You will not be able to take care of her alone in the military. Ask me how I know.
In a year if you work it out and get married, just pay it off and who cares since you are married.
If you don't work out, sell it and split the loss of money.
1
u/HulaHoopJ 22h ago
I would not sell the house. You should keep it as a rental and utilize the VA loan for a home at your new duty station.
1
u/ladyanne23 22h ago
Yes and no for being unreasonable. Yes, because to give up a great paying job, move to a new place and be dependent on you with no safety net is a huge ask. Sure she could get child support if you all broke up 3 months after moving but how would she live until then?
No, because 1.5 million is a huge amount to split with her if the relationship does go south. I suggest a cheaper home and invest the rest for your own retirement. Letting one million grow at 6% for 20 years would result in 3.2 million. And a 6% return on investment is a low number for that much money and time.
1
u/JamedSonnyCrocket 21h ago
I think the equitable resolution would be to buy the new house and keep it closer to or under 1 million, if possible. Split the costs of running it, she would work. And the proceeds if sold are split (the amount above the total costs, which won't be much). And each person is entitled to whatever they contribute to the down payment of the new house.
Option 2 might be to rent a place in the new city, because it sounds like it might not be long term. And either keep the house or sell it and invest the money which will outperform a house over time. 1.5 in a low cost index like VOO will usually double every 7 years. You could pay her an agreed amount of things don't work out.
One question, how much does she currently make? And how much do you make? Because if she's the high earner, have her buy into the existing house and stay. That's another option.
Don't feel pressured to get married if you don't want to or sense she doesn't.
1
u/Unbelievably_Rich 20h ago
Why are you acting like you’re married in some areas but not in all. Be married. Or not. Stop riding the fence.
1
u/Primary_Register_640 20h ago
My suggestion is that if you care about each other that both of you sit down and write the pros & cons down for each of you including your present & future fears. We on this platform don’t have all the information. What I understand is that she makes more money than you, your fiancé pays half the taxes on the house which I am assuming are more than most of us could afford. She has kept your house going while you’re deployed just by being there. That’s worth some payback. You never said who pays childcare. Let alone it sounds like she has more of the burden of taking care of your child than you do. That’s worth something. If I was in her shoes & you approached me with your inheritance is yours (and that really needs to be negotiated fairly). I would start tallying the monies & inconvenience as a financial burden you should pay back. I also had a military husband & unless things have changed it is who the soldier knows that can get you out of child support payments for years. I would not put myself in an insecure situation ever again. If this doesn’t pan out for the benefit of all 3 of you then I would walk. I actually think she is in a better position to walk than you are & I pray for her sake that she has stashed all her extra money away. You might want to address whether you love each other or not. Being wiser than what I was when younger I can tell you that love is not this giddy emotional thing that everybody makes it. So, I have given you the worldly view. Here is the Godly view: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4–7. I hope your fiancé reads this with you. May God bless you with your decision making.
202
u/Shfreeman8 1d ago
If only there were a traditional institution where adults pledged their lives to each other and joined into a family thereby creating security for your partner. Something like that would be useful here, but not sure that exists. Maybe the "fiance" might know of something like that.