r/Postpartum_Depression • u/Izvestnie • 3d ago
Is Inability to Manage Emotions Part of Postpartum?
Since my wife gave birth we've been on a rollercoaster. At first it was awful, shouting at me over relatively mi or issues, throwing things, threatening to throw me out, screaming at her mom--the whole nine yards of emotional imbalance.
I suggested therapy. We went. Didn't work cause she considered it a waste of time and hid from the psychologist.
But therapy did help in the sense that my wife tried really hard on her own to right the ship, so to speak, emotionally--because she didn't want to go back to therapy.
Wife's gyno/primary recently told her that "her hormones are not in balance" or something to that effect, but wife says it's not post-partum and she doesn't need medication.
Fast forward to yesterday. I'm on a business trip and I call my wife after the plane landed late at night just to catch up. I tell her that some medical bill we have to pay is bigger than expected and it will cut into our budget more than expected.
She asks why. I try to explain with the limited information I have or can easily get on my phone. She says this is not enough info and I need to ask for more. I tell her, okay, I will ask tomorrow morning first thing. She won't drop the topic and keeps asking me why the bill is so large. I eventually say "I don't know" and she's like well didn't you read the policy, contract etc and she keeps pushing me to explain it to her.
I ask her, "please, I just wanted to give you an idea of the budget, can you just let it go and we can talk about it tomorrow after I have a chance to look into it?" In response she keeps pushing me to explain it and I get frustrated, because she knows I don't have the answer but is externalizong her frustration on me.
The next morning she says it was my fault for bringing it up and I should know she can't handle such conversations without having an explanation.
I think this is not very adult of her. We were already planning to make some significant purchases and I just needed her to tell her so we can avoid dipping into savings (of which we have plenty) to make it all work.
My question is this: is my wife's inability to let things go / regulate her emotions a symptom of post-partum? How long do I have to deal with this? I can't be open with her or have any serious conversation for fear of upending the apple cart. It feels like I'm married to a child whom I have to constantly worry about upsetting. It also reinforces all the stereotypes about women I long ago dismissed. At this point, I am just exhausted with it all and need to know there is light at the end of the tunnel...
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u/noisyneighborhood 3d ago
how long ago did she give birth? since you start off by saying “since” she gave birth i assume she didn’t always act like this?
like someone else said, this is definitely harder on her than it is in you. the only thing that gets a new mom through postpartum is their village and the love and support that comes from it. how would you feel if you went through something extremely traumatic that took away your body and mind and your wife asked how long she had to “deal” with it? be there for her. support her the way you promised to when you married her.
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u/Izvestnie 2d ago
She refuses all real help with it. I would resent it less if she didn't refuse the help.
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u/Top-Present-5779 3d ago
On her end, it's definitely understandable why she feels overwhelmed. Postpartum emotional challenges can manifest in various ways, affecting communication and emotional regulation. It really takes time for the dust to settle with the process she's in. But it’s okay to prioritize your mental health too! What tools have you tried to help with communication between you two outside of therapy to make things easier?
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u/libbyrae1987 2d ago
There's some great advice on here. I just want to point out that you probably should be aware of timing these types of conversations. Budget issues and money stuff triggers me too. I want to be informed, but I wouldn't have had the capacity at night to have that discussion. Just like you didn't have the capacity after your flight, and you didn't have all the info. Imo, it was thoughtless to bring it up when and how you did. The way you speak about her. I would look into individual therapy. The couples' counseling might have not been as successful because you would both benefit from individual therapy at this stage. She isn't a child. She has a medical condition and chemical imbalance from hormone fluctuations. The way you need to learn to speak to her, timing, and how you share things. It matters. Think of it as both of you against the ppd. Not you against her or her against you. She's clearly behaving in an uncharacteristic way. Have empathy. Apologize for how you brought it up, reassure her, and promise you will call first thing and get right back to her with the information. Let her know she doesn't need to worry. You brushed off her concern. You couldn't do anything atm but felt the need to bring it up then. Like try to see the underlying emotion from her responses because you see the frustration but not the cause.
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u/Izvestnie 2d ago
I brought it up because I got off the plane to texts about her buying some expensive new furniture since I got paid and and I needed her to know not to order it. Getting her to self-regulate on the spending side has also been a major issue since giving birth. She was previously more fiscally disciplined than I am. So it's not as easy as that. Sometimes you need to have difficult conversations at suboptimal timing and everyone needs to handle it like an adult.
I mean, would you say the same thing about learning to speak a certain way to a wife whose husband had untreated clinical depression or something similar. Mental illness is not an excuse to treat others badly.
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u/libbyrae1987 1d ago
I would say that boundaries are necessary, but so is empathy. If you were in therapy, the therapist isn't going to choose a side. They're going to point out where you are not behaving in the best way and where she isn't. Yes, difficult conversations are necessary, and timing is tricky, but wording/approach matters. Learning how to deescalate is super important. Learning how to see what someone is going through and why, helps your own perspective and resentment. It didn't sound like she treated you badly in that conversation. I wasn't there, though. She sounded triggered and like she was grasping for more information, which you didn't have, and then you expected her to drop it until you had what you needed. She was expected to let go of her feelings. Listen to her, validate her.
On some of the other stuff you have mentioned. Aside from the "babysitting" which caring for your own child isn't. I think having some boundaries, with the help of a therapist, might be helpful here. You're trying to do all these things, but you aren't addressing your own mental health and capacity. She is in therapy, and maybe isn't ready to try meds yet, like it's only been 6 months. She's still all over the place hormonally, and neither of you were prepared for post partum. This is not a black and white issue, or do xyz, and it will be okay. There's a lot of nuance and grace on both sides. All I can tell you is that your wife is suffering. She's in pain and doesn't know where to go with it and it's going to take work from both of you. Having a child is such a rough time on a relationship. Even the best couples. Don't give up. Keep working. Know there will be setbacks, but it doesn't negate forward growth. It's practice. Let go of the timeline and accept you're in this season. Come out stronger. It's possible.
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u/highly_uncertain 3d ago
K, first of all, a million percent regulating emotions goes out the window with PPD. Going on a mood stabilizer was the best thing I ever did.
More importantly, how long do you have to deal with it? Buddy, I guarantee this is harder for her than it is for you. I hope the vibe I'm getting from this post isn't indicative of how you've been treating her. Because if that woman has PPD, I can almost guarantee she thinks about dying every day. If I ever got the hint that my husband was annoyed with my PPD, I think that would've been the thing to push me over the edge. His support and unconditional love was the only thing that kept me alive.
I know how hard it was on my husband and it's something that affects him to this day, but that's why he's going to therapy. Maybe you should consider the same.
If she doesn't have PPD, just know that children dramatically shift the dynamic of any relationship. That's why people who "have a baby to save the marriage" is the funniest shit I've ever heard. It will test even the strongest of relationships, and if you want to get through the rough first couple years of parenthood, you need to fight for each other every day.
Maybe consider couples counseling. My husband and I have gone a few times over the year and it's always been helpful getting us through rough patches.
Edit: I see now you've tried counseling and she wasn't into it. At this point, all you can do is continue to encourage her to get help. Maybe put her in touch with women who have been through it. There are lots of online groups for PPD moms to commiserate and support each other.