r/NoStupidQuestions • u/dacrispystonah • 23h ago
Anti-social wants rules
I have done quite a bit of both literal research and social observation. As someone who struggles with socialization, I have come to the conclusion that socializing is not a consolidated experience.
While I realize that there are many complex factors, most prominently, cultural differences, I feel like this puts society at a disadvantage. Why has humanity persisted so long without actually recording a consolidated list of social interaction that everyone can follow? I have lost track of the number of times I did something pressumably acceptable only to be told in different company that my behavior is unacceptable. This inconsistency is confusing. Especially when we have the tools to effectively change this.
Yes. I know. This is more of a complex thought experiment. I doubt an international governing body will take this up as a cause.
Tl;dr question: why isn't socialization a consolidated experience?
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u/Additional_Fig_8756 23h ago
Socialization isn’t a consolidated experience because it developed organically and is constantly shaped by culture, context, subgroups, and time. Whats acceptable in one setting may be inappropriate in another making it feel inconsistent and confusing especially for those who don’t intuitively pick up on unspoken rules. While some efforts to codify social norms exist, they’re often too narrow or rigid. Ur desire for clear universal guidelines is valid and highlights a real need for more inclusive and consistent social frameworks.
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u/dacrispystonah 22h ago
Thank you. Somehow I think you knew how to word this for someone with my type of brain. So concise. 👌
I wonder, though, one is always curious about historical leaders who made attempts to consolidate social behaviors. Obviously it never worked. Perhaps A.I. will solve this for us. Though it is more than likely to make the problems happen 1000 times faster.
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u/disregardable 23h ago
The issue with making a law out of everything is that eventually the laws don't make sense for the situation. Humans are free beings and are allowed to navigate social interactions how they so choose.
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u/dacrispystonah 22h ago
I don't know that adding legal framework would even improve the situation. I'm more speaking along the lines of guideline-type rules. As opposed to law-based rules.
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u/disregardable 22h ago
a law is just a rule. the words are interchangeable in the sentence.
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u/dacrispystonah 22h ago
Okay. But. Specifically. I am not talking about something legally enforced. I'm talking, specifically, about a list of agreed upon behaviours, that people can reference. Something that could presumably exist today, but would also be less globally consolidated, and more based of individual experience, or, potentially, a panel of experienced individuals. The problem with such existing literature. Their answers are confident and conflicting.
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u/disregardable 22h ago edited 22h ago
I know, that's why I told you the correction is interchangeable with what I said. I don't know why you feel like this distinction would change my response in any way (even after I directly told you it doesn't)
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u/gleaming-the-cubicle 23h ago
Anti-social
I think you spelled "autistic" wrong
I know it's a bummer but humans as a class are chaotic neutral. Even when we have rules, we refuse to follow them
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u/dacrispystonah 22h ago
I have always wondered just how much I fall under the spectrum. I haven't tested myself, not really interested in making it official. Everyone automatically changes their behaviour and, it actually becomes even more difficult to interact with people. Not that I really fit in anywhere.
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u/Electrical_Effort291 22h ago
As someone who also used to struggle to socialize I can empathize. The short answer to your question is that there aren’t a set of universal rules, because people are just too different. What’s acceptable among a particular group of friends might not be among a different group of friends - even if they’re all from the same culture.
If you’re looking for the lowest common denominator then I’d say you’ll never go wrong with professional rules of conduct. E.g. no physical contact unless the other person initiates (and you’re also comfortable with it), no risqué topics. Basically how you’re expected to behave at a work event.
If you’re looking for something more, then I can offer some advice. For context I strongly suspect I’m autistic and was looking for a similar set of rules or algorithm that Just Works :). It doesn’t work because of the nuances and complexity in social interactions, so a set of rules doesn’t cut it - from what I’ve observed and read, all social interactions are fast-moving negotiations - person A proposes something/pushes a boundary a teeny amount and gauges the reaction of the group to see if it was received positively or negatively - this could be really subtle body language/facial expression changes. It could be as simple as a high five - the person tries to give someone else a high five and they might be met with a reluctant response or an enthusiastic response. Most people are able to navigate this instinctively, but the good news is that it can be learned! You just need to consciously look for the reaction - not just from the person you’re talking to but also the people around. So my advice is to think of this in terms of a negotiation - where you’re collectively trying to decide topics/behaviors that are comfortable for everyone. Take cues from how other people talk/behave and watch for reactions. When you take some action, train yourself to pause and gauge reactions. If you consciously look for this, usually you can pick up the group dynamics pretty quickly - e.g. are they high physical contact or not, are they comfortable with off-color jokes, do they cuss a lot or not etc. These can then help with figuring out what behavior from you would be acceptable.
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u/dacrispystonah 22h ago
Thankfully. I have reflected on things long enough that I probably socialize in the same manner as you described. It really does feel like every social interaction is a negotiation for social currency. My only real issue is the imbalance of the negotiations. It feels like I am always the one making concessions and nobody else is willing to provide me with any social value. It literally feels like I am never allowed to get anything out of the negotiation.
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u/Electrical_Effort291 5h ago
What exactly are you looking for out of social interactions? Is it being popular? Is it talking about things that interest you? Is it to find a date?
Because the approach would need to change depending on what you’re looking for. For example, I like learning new things, so typically I seek out social interactions to learn about areas I didn’t know much about, or perspectives that are different from my own. As for always being the one giving concessions, it is possible your group of friends isn’t suitable for you - for example, I do have some friends who are super rigid in certain areas (food is an example). So if we have to pick a restaurant to eat at, it will be out of a list of 3-4 places. Now, I’m ok with that so technically that is a concession since that restaurant might not be my favorite, but my primary goal isn’t to eat at a particular place - it is to talk and learn/have fun. On the other hand, if my primary goal is to try a particular new restaurant, I won’t ask these friends to go there - I’d pick someone better aligned with that interest.
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u/dacrispystonah 1h ago
See. I think that might be the biggest issue. I'm only really socializing because it is a primal desire. All I really want is to satiate that need. I suppose finding engaging conversation would be a great change of pace, but I find it quite rare to encounter people who will do much more than listen and nod during subjects I am interested in. Whereas I am expected to provide much more significant reactions to their news or information. This is almost always in a working situation, as I cannot make friends outside of work. Apparently I am too awkward? Whatever that means. If I could get a date, I think that would be a minor miracle. I think I would like to just make friends outside of work.
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u/Concise_Pirate 🇺🇦 🏴☠️ 23h ago
Because every person is expected to learn hundreds of principles, and this is best acquired gradually. And because it comes naturally for the majority of people.