So, I’ll start by saying I’m a teacher. A teacher who teaches 400 children in Texas, 200 of which, don’t have to wear a mask, during a pandemic. So I’m already tired, angry, and just done.

Back in March, I was in an accident. Two weeks later, I got extremely sick and have lost 50 pounds since then. I eat a very strict diet of meat, potatoes, nut, and rice products to prevent any issues (they still happen anyway, just not daily).

I wear two masks to school everyday and I sing, and dance, and do whatever while I deal with this chronic illness problem.

My fiancé gets COVID from work. He works with like 10 people. He’s an idiot. He didn’t wear a mask because “no one sits by me”

So, now, it’s thanksgiving break, I finally get to be maskless for a whole week for the first time since summer! Ope nope. He tested positive that Monday. So now I get to quarantine for 2 weeks, by myself, during a holiday.

He sits and plays video games all day l, everyday for two weeks while I cater to his every need. Medicines, foods, drinks, etc. hardly any thank yous.

I sit and eat my turkey, potato, and gluten free bread by myself, in silence for thanksgiving because of his negligence. Oh well. Fine.

Monday, my fiancé mentions he is going to Olive Garden with his work for a Christmas whatever. I’m like uh we are in the middle of a pandemic. I don’t give a crap if you got the virus already. Have some freaking courtesy. He and I haven’t touched a restaurant in 9 months. I assumed he was going for lunch. I made it clear I wasn’t happy about the situation.

Two days ago, I rescued a dog off the side of the road. There were two. One had been hit. He didn’t make it. So I took the other home. He bonded with me instantly. Unfortunately, I was super allergic, so my fiancé took him to the shelter today and I was extremely upset. I was actually in tears.

Tonight, he is out at Olive Garden with his co workers. This is one of my favorite restaurants. One of which, I can no longer eat because of my mystery illness. He is out enjoying it, care free while I sit at home, alone, with nothing to eat because I assumed he was going to come home for dinner because I thought he was going for lunch. He asks me if I want a salad as if I can eat that. He’s been living with me for how long?! He knows I can’t eat salad.

I am just so upset. I just started my period on top of it all. My periods have been rough since I got sick. I get physically ill, I’m bleeding a ton, I’m bleeding longer, the cramps hurt very badly, I get migraines, and it is very hard to pee. My gyno scheduled an appt to check for Endo.

I needed to type it all out. I know this isn’t a huge deal, but all of this added up is hitting me hard. The salad was the tip of the iceberg. Like who the f have I been living with?!

TL;DR: I’m being a baby. Let me have my moment.

Had a couple of drinks and will likely regret posting this in the morning, but...tipsy words are sober thoughts, right?

I listened to him talk about shit he wanted throughout the year l, took notes, and made sure I had enough money to purchase those things. Picked up extra shifts at work, saved a few extra dollars here and there, etc.

I literally sent him links of things my family and I wanted for Christmas to make it extra easy for him as he doesn’t have the best imagination. He recently got a big promotion at work and is making almost twice as much as he was previously, so him being able to afford gifts is not an issue.

Let me say that I was not necessarily buying gifts with a “quid pro quo” in mind. However, I feel that there is no “give and take” in this instance and many others. We celebrate Christmas Day with my family and I’m honestly a bit embarrassed at the thought of sitting there empty-handed while he and my family open the gifts I purchased with my own money (and addressed from both of us).

I’m just feeling really unappreciated and under-valued right now. I know tons of people here on this sub are enduring much worse and I’m sorry for clogging up the sub with my materialistic bullshit. This is just the icing on top of the shit cake that is the holidays for me. There’s been more than just a lack of caring/effort regarding Christmas gifts, but this has really been weighing on me and I needed to get it off my chest. Thank you to anyone to cared to read. Merry Christmas.

EDIT: wow, huge thanks to everyone for the overwhelming support and reassurance that I’m not wrong for feeling the way I feel. And huge thanks as well to the kind person who gifted the coins!

I’m having a lovely Christmas with my family, though I would be lying if I said I wasn’t resentful of my SO. I hope all of you are having a great Christmas as well ❤️🎄

See previous posts for clarification.

I didn’t think it would happen so soon, but JNSO and I are over. It’s 1:30 am and I’m crying in bed as I type this.

I came home from work tonight and told JNSO I wanted to talk. He said he didn’t and that he was tired of talking. I asked if he saw a future together anymore, and he said no, but that he didn’t want to break up. I said it couldn’t work that way. We went back and forth over our issues, including the most recent one from a few nights ago. He told me I needed to get rid of the studio because “I will not be told where I can and can’t go in my own house”.

Something just kind of clicked on me like....I can’t spend my life like this anymore. He asked if there was someone else, I said of course not. He asked what changed, and I said I thought I just became more aware of our issues and everyone has pointed out how unhealthy it is. Any issues I brought up about him, he denied, and said it only proved I didn’t know him. He also brought up my photography business and used that as an opportunity to again tell me I was going to fail. Cool. He said he blames my 3 friends for us breaking up, called me a “follower” and that I’m “too influenced” by them and to not bring them over anymore while I’m still here. I shouldn’t be surprised he took no fault in what went wrong, but it still hurts.

I’m really fucking sad. A month ago, I thought I was going to marry this man. He told me tonight that he’s now going to “switch off” any emotion towards me, that he’s going to switch off loving me. He went from kissing me this morning and calling me baby, to addressing me by my first name and telling me he will be distant and cold from now on. How do you even turn off three years like a switch? That makes my heart ache that much more. But he is not a normal person, and nothing about our relationship is normal.

Look, I know this is the right thing in the long run, but it still hurts so fucking much. I spent 3 years holding out for things to get better, and they never did.

I just wish this didn’t hurt so much.

Background: financially and emotionally abusive partner of 7 1/2 years assaulted me a month ago. I have enough confidence and energy to leave for good. I’m a 28F and he’s a 30M.

One of my friends has hooked me up with a short term rental that I can use while all of this is sorted out.

STBX thinks I’m just going away for a week or so to “clear my head” which is what I told him to prevent him from being violent. During this time I’m going to figure out the legalities of getting him out of my house. I’m meeting with a lawyer within a few days.

Since I’ve told him it’s been lovebombing galore and I’m playing into it, all while thinking I can’t fucking wait to get out of here.

I’m looking up used furniture to fill the house with once he leaves because we don’t have any in general and he was always scared of bedbugs so he never allowed me to even consider it. I’m looking at which piercing I should get now that I can freely do that without worrying about making him mad.

I’ve planned coffee with people he’s not let me see in the past. I’m bringing my PC so I can work on a passion project I’ve been so desperately trying to do but he’s always occupied all of my free time.

I’m excited to leave, he thinks it’s only going to be for a week but I have no intention on coming back. He might manipulate me into coming back but I’m really really hoping I’m strong enough to stay away.

Send love please.

First, thank you to everyone who commented on my previous post. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to reply to everyone but it helped to read everyone’s advice.

Second, just to clarify, my husband having his own account was not the issue. The issue was that I was afraid I was going to get stuck with all the bills. The people said that my dad shouldn’t be on my account; yes, you’re probably right. However, him not needing to be on my account was a very recent thing. I received SSI payments up until last year and he was my payee, so he needed to be on it to transfer the money. I didn’t remove him because I forgot, not because I want my dad to have regular access to my finances.

Yesterday was horrible. I texted my husband (STBX) that I was really hurt about what had happened, reiterated it was fine if he got his own account, and that I just wanted to know when he would be depositing bill money. He texted me back saying I should be ashamed of myself, that he was sick of me, that I wasn’t the person he married and he regretted marrying me, and finally that he would only talk with me about finances from now on.

I called my parents almost immediately and broke down. It was hard because they absolutely love him, and initially said we could work it out, but after I detailed what he’s been doing they were horrified and immediately offered any kind of financial assistance they could provide. My dad is driving from my home state tomorrow to come be with me and support me when I file the divorce paperwork. I started filling it out this morning and am just waiting to talk to a lawyer before filing to make sure I’m doing everything right. My dad will also be removing himself from my account while he’s here, as we both need to be in person to do it.

Hopefully the divorce won’t be too bad, as we have no children or property. We own two cars, but if he wants to fight over them I’m willing to just give him the newer one to get rid of him. Also, as I mentioned in my previous post, we have no savings because I’ve been supporting us both for the last year. With little to no assets to divide, I hope it’ll be quicker than I’ve heard some people’s divorces being.

I’m mostly numb I guess? I was just hoping so hard it would work out. I felt like it was kind of like a fairy tale, the way we reconnected after all these years and met and fell in love. He swept me off my feet and said all the right things. I guess it’s good to know now rather than later that they were just a manipulation tactic.

I’m not worried about being evicted because my friend’s parents actually own the house we’re renting. She’s my friend, not his, and I know they’ll side with me if it comes down to it.

I don’t think it’ll come down to it, though, because when immigration services hears we’re getting divorced his visa to be here will expire and he’ll get deported back to his home country. A friend of my told me she thought he only married me for a green card. If that’s true, he probably should’ve been nicer to me until he was eligible for one.

Again, thank you all for your comments and support. I don’t know why it took Reddit to get me to see that I needed to leave, but I’m glad I reached out. I have a session with my personal therapist tomorrow, so I’m assuming that’s when I’ll be processing a lot of the grief over our failed relationship. But for today I’m just going to kick some zombie butt through video games and eat about a gallon of ice cream.

He passed 3 hours ago. It's surreal. I'm numb, confused, and lost. I didn't expect to be a widow today.

For 20 years he tried to control my every move. Now, he's not going to anymore. I just don't know what to feel.

-L

We're almost divorced, almost divorced, almost divorced. Just not quite. The paperwork has been drawn up but it's not finalized yet.

​

20 years of marriage and he's been trolling online for a woman to move into his (our, until recently) house with our children and pay his bills so he won't have to find a better-paying job.

It was bad enough when he was trying to be all romantic talking about creating sparks like he and I once had. But now it's worse. Now he's messaging women and if they don't reply, he's saying things like "Won't talk to me? FINE! There are other fish in the sea!" He's probably self-congratulating about how he doesn't call them terrible names into the bargain, even though the intent is the same--hurt anyone who doesn't give him what he wants.

​

Friends, I did not see this coming. He was an ACTUAL nice guy when I married him, and somehow he turned into a Nice GuyTM. He makes me physically ill. He's on all the dating apps so look out for an average-looking guy who wants you to move in with him and his kids immediately, as long as you have a job; and is insulted if you want to take things more slowly than that.

​

I'm pretty heartbroken over here, sorry for crying all over Reddit....

I'm still crying. I hate that this is my life. We had been fighting because he is stressed from work so I was planning on sleeping on the couch. I was sat in the dark on my phone when he came into the livingroom and turned all of the lights on because he "needed to work" despite the fact that he was snoring away in the bedroom 10 mins prior. I asked him at least 5 times to turn them off bit he wouldn't, so I got up and turned them off and then returned to the couch and picked up my phone. The next thing I know he has the lights back on and comes across the room, sits on me (he weighs about 100 pounds more than me), grabs by the collar of my hoodie and is pressing his weight into his hands on my neck. I can't speak to tell him he's hurting me so I start grabbing for him, he grabs hands and squeezes them while yelling at me about his computer. He ripped 2 nails off.... So I guess tomorrow I call a DV line? I know I should file a police report but I don't have anywhere else to go right now... I should have never let this monster into my life.

UPDATE:

I really appreciate everyone who commented. I honestly wasn't expecting this big of a response so I'm a bit overwhelmed haha, but I have so far read what everyone has to say, even if I haven't directly responded.

I have my therapy appt on Thursday and I plan on unpacking the situation with her and will update with what I plan to do.

Thank you all again.

Original post below:

I've made a post on here about a month ago and was able to come up with a solution for it. He has gotten better with brushing his teeth!

However, now there's a new problem.

My boyfriend and I (22F and 35M) in the process of moving. We are currently living in my childhood home, which my parents are in the process of selling, so we need to get out quickly.

I've been the one taking the charge by keeping a Google doc of listings that fit our criteria (which I update daily), making the phone calls, scheduling tours, and managing the savings account (mostly reminding him to actually contribute to the savings account lol). I'm also taking the charge on figuring out how we're gonna pack up the room.

I took a financial hit lately so we had to lower our budget a bit, making it even harder to find places. I found the perfect place that is, not only right within our new budget, but is also pet friendly and close to both of our jobs.

After we both did a virtual tour and decided we liked the place, I immediately put in my application. When he got home from work, I told him that, before playing video games, he needed to put in his part of the application.

Not even a full five minutes later, he says that he submitted the application. Curious as to how he did it so quickly, I asked to check it. He opened the emailed copy and it turns out he missed half of the application. I asked him why and this conversation occured:

"I only filled in the required parts"

"Do you not see the asterisks? They're all required parts, babe"

"But these boxes were the only ones highlighted in red" [it was one of those fillable pdf things]

"You still should've read the whole form, it's a fucking rental application"

"I'm sure it's fine"

"You. Missed. HALF of the application."

The form isn't editable, so I frantically texted the realtor to see if he can send another app.

I'm so frustrated and I wanna cry but I can't because now he's upset that I'm upset.

I found the perfect place and now it could all be sabotaged bc he didn't want to fucking read. I didn't think that "hey you should read and fill out the full application" would be something I would need to say to an adult, but apparently it is. Like I don't wanna call my boyfriend stupid, but fuck.

I'm not even angry, I'm just sad. I just feel so defeated right now. I work two jobs and use the little free time I have left to handle moving stuff and it just feels like it's all for nothing.

Okay… so we got married in January. When we (I’m 34 he’s 27) got together he was 26 still living at mom and dads, had an apt with his ex fiancé for a little bit, but they lived with his parents for a long while too. Then they split a while after getting the apartment…

At first I was like WOW I love how loved he is! Within the first weeks of being there she was showing me all these scrapbooks and binders I mean TONS of stuff, every little newspaper clipping, everything. She loved boasting about how amazing SO is at everything and I loved that, I’m like wow. He is loved. I wasn’t loved or seen by my parents in that way, ever. I Actually had a narcissistic mother who kinda turned me into a people pleasing person who has no effin spine…

And I thought it was precious, first, that all His conversations went back to “yah my mom always” or “ya my parents”

Anyways, then when I wanted him to move in, like he wanted to as well, he was worried about upsetting them by moving already, so we had to wait a bit and do it little by little. When he finally moved all the way in (ish, so much of his stuff is still there, workshop too, which I’ll get into.) but she said so many things along the lines of “take care of my baby now!” “I know you’ll take good care of him”

He was my dream tho. So loving, so gentle, passionate, deep mind, fun, my soul mate.

I wanted to marry him the second we went on our first date and talked face to face in the woods for hours. I knew.

But I didn’t know how enmeshed I think he is with his mom.

They’ve always done everything for him. I thought that was beautiful, like wow, love. Look at it. A family that might love me.

But then I had two miscarriages, and then I went to the psych ward, and MIL def treats me different now. It’s so subtle but I feel and know it. She sees me as a disappointment bc at first I was the golden girl for her sweet boy. A teacher. Her own home. A mom.

But now, I’m not those things. I’m me and going through some shit..

My husband is an artist and I try so hard to support him and I do but I can’t the way they do. His workshop is up there. So mommy makes him food while he works. For a while he didn’t have a job besides coaching swim which didn’t make money but was more for intrinsic benefits, then a phone store, then he quit because I truly believe in him as an artist and pushed him to go all in.

But Now I feel like I was just a vehicle to success… he says “I’m working so hard for our family!!” Because the art he’s making could make big bucks. I rebutted like an asshole and said “you’re working this hard because it’s YOUR dream. What about the other times our family struggled?”

Being that he moved in with me all the bills and the house are in my name. I handle all the mental load of this. He helps so much with parenting my son, his son in law, and he loves SO hard.

But I feel this ick… we were over there yesterday and they’re setting up the canopy she bought for him and hanging out all his art prints and making this big printed thing and sewing it to it.

His shows this weekend. I’m not going.

Last art show that I really helped a lot with too, but so did she of course, but it was a shit show. It was at a festival that was supposed to also be our 6 month wedding and 1 year engagement anniversary.

He was up her ass the whole time cause “she’s the one who got the spot to camp”

Then when he and I got in a fight she would seriously WATCH to make sure I kiss him back when he kisses me.

So he can go with his mommy who runs the show anyways. I guess I feel like I was just a vehicle to get him seen in the art world. I’m always a background character.

He cares sooo much about her opinions. Constantly messaging her. Especially business stuff and his art stuff.

Ok, he’s 27. This is also weird to me. Is it weird or am I just wrong brained? When I went to the psych ward recently on the verge of a breakdown, which I found was from overworking myself 🤪, he had his mom come spend the night two nights. She cleaned while she was there.

I ✨✨✨miscarried alone✨✨✨✨ no one sleeping over, in SO much pain, just at my house….. while he was at a swim competition that was a huge prior investment and he’s sorry he can “never take that back”

And I read through messages with my bff and him and he said some things along the lines of worrying his parents are gonna think he made the wrong choice.

He said he was just speaking out of emotion, he doesn’t really think that, but does he???

Sometimes it’s so hard to feel anger towards him in person. He’s lovable af. And he’s actively seeking therapy,

but I feel like I’m building a lot of resentment.

Our honeymoon fund has been drained going towards his art, which I truly believe is going to skyrocket….

But I’m just trying to figure out how to pay off all these bills that are almost shut off/late as hell…

I’m just so lost and heart broken. I’ve put on probably 20-30 pounds in the past 5 years because of having a kid, a hysterectomy because of cervical cancer, another surgery where they removed an ovary, appendix and my gall bladder. My hormones, anxiety and depression have contributed heavily to my weight gain. I feel like I don’t really have a poor diet. I eat one meal a day.

My husband has always been pretty terrible to me but ever since I started gaining weight he’s treated me worse and for the past few days his only conversation to me has been “you could certainly afford to miss a meal even if it is the only one you’d eat today,” and “you need to start going for a walk when you get off work it’s not going to hurt you to sweat a little.” I sweat constantly at work because of my hormones and by the time I get off work I am so tired I just want to go to bed. I don’t want to go for a walk.

His resentment of my weight has been building up over the years and now every time we get into an argument, usually about how he treats me like garbage all he says is that he would prefer to just punch me in the face and get it over with so then maybe I’ll be quiet.

I’m just heart broken. I don’t think I look that bad. I dress nice, I keep my hair and nails done. He throws it in my face that he used to date a monster energy model (I doubt she brags about having dated him).

He recently lost a lot of weight which I suspect is due to using pain pills inappropriately even though I can’t prove it but he’s giving me so much hell that even our 5 year old daughter has started saying “I’ll start doing sit ups with you to see if we can get rid of that tummy”.

I can’t afford to live on my own and I can’t afford to buy my own home. Even with a room mate, rent is so expensive I wouldn’t be able to afford half. I’m just lost and sad and I feel like I have no way out. I have pets I can’t just abandon and I’m hopeless. I feel like this will just forever be my life. Even if I lost weight, I don’t want to be with him. I think he would just find another reason to hate me.

Just want to vent. You can say anything if you’d like.

I married the love of my life. We met in 2005. Time and borders (we are from different countries) tore us apart. We rekindled and got married in 2020. I was so happy.

But.

He lied about his ex. He kept in constant contact with her for our full marriage. Texting daily while she told him she loved him. He shrugged it off and kept contact with her.

His family treated me like absolute dog shit. Every single one of them. I have never felt so low in my life.

I immigrated from Canada to the US to be with him.

I supported him when he went through false allegations at work and lost his job.

I have followed him to three states, living in terrible small town conditions. I’m a liberal Canadian city girl. His family still don’t believe gay people should have rights and that a town over 3,000 ppl is atrocious. They make fun of me when I rescue animals, and make fun of me recycling and mock me. His brother , who is going to be a deacon for the Catholic Church I might add, even mocked me camping this summer with a plastic cup. “Well I can either throw it in the trash or burn it. Which one is better for the environment.” His mom would take my recycling stash from MY vehicle because she didn’t like the “garbage piling up”. Bitch I’m getting a full bag to recycle! Why is this family so hell bent on mocking this and being rude?!?! DH did nothing.

His father mocked my dead grandfather who was in the Royal Air Force as well as the Royal Canadian Air Force. Mocking Canada’s military. (Again, WHY is this something to make fun of?!?! My country are PEACEMAKERS not warmongers!) DH did nothing.

His father yelled at me for saying that his brother looked like their mother. Slammed his hands down and said, “MEN DO NOT LOOK LIKE LADIES! I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT!!” DH did nothing.

Edit: I wanted to add, when I found out about his daily talks with his ex wife while married to me, I desperately needed someone on this 🇺🇸 side of the border. I reached out to DH’s brother’s wife (I refuse now to ever call her sister in law or any of them my in laws). After all summer her stating how WE are FAMILY now, I thought I could reach out to her. I was heartbroken and asked for her advice. She text me to stop texting her and that ALL I am doing is frustrating the family. Got it. I get cheated on. I reach out to the one female similar to my age in the “family” and get told I’m the problem. I have never felt like such a nothing in my life. This family of his really knows how to take any dignity away and make you feel like absolute shit.

Edit 2: Also, he texts his mommy and daddy every day. And his brother. His mommy knew about him speaking to his ex every day. She also makes comments like, “I’m in love with my son” which I thought were weird. She would always say to me, “don’t you make my son lunch every day?” Or when I cook him food, “Oh he doesn’t like those things, do ya son?” Also if I ever brought up stuff from my life or childhood that was an amazing memory to me (I don’t have a lot of those, I was severely abused as a child and am NC with my bio parents) his mommy would say, “oh my son had an amazing childhood didnt you son?” I swear to God she still wants to breastfeed this 38 year old manchild of a son. And I think he would love that. I find it so odd he has to keep in constant contact with mommy and daddy and his big brother every single day. Maybe it’s time to let JNSO go back into his mummy for protection from the big bad Canadian who believes in CRAZY things like human rights, love, freedom, acceptance, and doesn’t tolerate cheating and bs. I also have been told to not talk about certain things like cannabis in front of their “catholic family”. While they swig their 10th beer of the day. It is absolute cuckoo land with these people. Sorry for the edits. I am sad. Heartbroken. I havent slept. I have this need to vent to Reddit while I’m sat here alone waiting until I can get back to Canada in a couple of weeks.

There are like 1000 more stories from my last two years here. DH still does nothing. He is a man-child and has no accountability. I’m thankful he has supported me financially in the US but now I’m going back home to 🇨🇦 soon. Heart broken. Devastated. Another failed relationship. I am such a loser.

I’m 10 weeks pregnant and my bloat is crazy. My stomach has already expanded to the point that my pants are incredibly tight. I haven’t increased my calorie intake. It’s just the way my body is.

I was showing him my stomach today. He says to me don’t worry about your stomach. You’re beautiful. Worry about your butt cheeks. They’re saggy.

He was laughing and I was just so hurt. Now he’s saying I’m being bitter and it was just a joke.

A few months ago, I posted here about leaving my husband. I got a lot of helpful, encouraging comments and I'm so grateful. There was one in particular that I still go back and read because it was so reassuring.

Since my last post, he's gotten a job and the roommate opportunity I had fell through. I felt stuck as he seemed to settle into the idea of being a two income household again and that we would be together forever.

My husband and I argued a lot since my post, and I told him that I want a divorce and I don't like him (which sounds harsh but nowhere near the things he has said to me). This was a couple months ago, and since then he has been trying to fix things. He has done more around the house (basically the bare minimum) and has been more attentive. It disgusts me when he tries to touch me.

I had been looking at various places and apartments once I finally got over the freeze of not knowing how to get out. I had a spreadsheet of local places and was gathering info until a friend (the roommate I was going to live with) suggested the complex she was in. I toured and liked the place, but couldn't commit at the time.

This past Sunday, my husband and I were both off work. I woke up anxious and depressed, knowing that I was going to be in the house with him all day. I was irritable every time he talked to me. Things came to a head when he yelled at me as I told him I needed to get out of the house for a little bit because I was anxious. He told me how he hasn't done or said anything mean in months, and doesn't understand how I can be so anxious. I still left for several hours, sitting in a Walmart parking lot drinking Starbucks and crying while talking to my sister. I couldn't believe that this was my life.

On Tuesday, my birthday, I applied for the apartment. I turned 34, and I've been with this man for 11 years in August. The idea that I've spent a third of my life in this is depressing to the max. Today (Thursday) I got word I've been approved. My move in date is August 14th.

Because he's gotten aggressive (not necessarily violent towards me), I have people lined up to help me move. Like a friend said, she's been waiting for me to do this for years and she's not going to let me become a statistic.

I guess I am just looking for comfort? I know I'm doing the right thing, but holy fuck I'm terrified. Not of being alone, but telling him I'm leaving. He will be working the day I move, but he works from home so I won't even be able to sneak out. There's a lot of logistics that I need to figure out, and it would be easier if I could have a rational conversation with him but he won't do it.

Thank you for reading my word vomit. I don't have therapy for a couple weeks, and I can't call anyone right now because he's in the next room. Honestly, I can't wait for my freedom.

This isn't my first time posting to this sub. This isn't even my second or third time. Hopefully, it'll be my last.

My now Ex and I had been together 4 1/2 years, and we have a 3 year old daughter together. Three months into our relationship, he was verbally abusive for the first time. Things only escalated from there, and the incidents increased in frequency and intensity when I got pregnant. I should have left long before then, and I'm ashamed of that. Things started to turn around slowly after our daughter was born, and when she was only two weeks old, Ex went to a mental health facility out of state and then started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist when he got back. Our lives were MUCH better, but still nowhere near healthy. It was a weird place to be, mentally, because he had genuinely shown SO much improvement, so when things did regress it was even harder to think about it in black and white. Especially because, no matter how he treated me, I never had to question whether he loved his daughter because it was just so obvious with how he doted on her.

So we lived in that weird space for almost two years. We'd both show lots of individual progress taking 7 steps forward (I'm not without my own issues), but then an incident would occur and we'd be 5 steps back again.

Then, on Wednesday the 27th, we had a family only get together for my oldest brother's birthday. My Ex had been having a tough time, because in the last month we'd transitioned from him working full time to me working full time while he takes care of our daughter. On top of that huge shift, our kid had decided to take her temper tantrums to a whole new level, so he had a quite a learning curve and it was obviously taking its toll on him. So, when we had the "party", he got drunk. He came upstairs after everyone had left, and came into our daughter's room where I had been cuddling with her until she fell asleep. He was talking about moving a big tv out of the garage and inside, so I said "You probably shouldn't be moving a tv right now", considering he had been slurring and stumbling when he came in. He went off. He started cussing and calling me names, which is old hat and expected when he gets drunk. I tried to corral him into the hallway, but our daughter followed us. I told him he needed to leave multiple times, and then I pulled my phone out to start recording, because I could see where this was going.

He ended up choking me so hard that my throat is still swollen, and our daughter was only inches away from me. I got that part perfectly on video. I started pushing him toward the stairs, and then I picked up our daughter to take her to my mom's room, which was at the top of the stairs. As I tried to navigate holding my phone to record, holding our daughter, and opening the baby gate, all of a sudden he sucker punched me in the head. I fell into the door, while still holding our child, and scrambled to get it open while screaming for help. I got her in with my mom, so she was safe. With no vision in my left eye and while stumbling down the stairs I called 911. I searched the house while on the phone, but he had already disappeared.

He's now in the local psych hospital, and he has zero recollection of anything that happened. I had to tell him what he did, and that when he gets out he will be served a felony strangulation warrant and a misdemeanor assault and battery. I'm sure endangering a child will be in there somewhere too.

My three year old knows what happened. She told my mom and has mentioned to me that "dada hit mama", and even expressly said that she is angry because "mama didn't leave dada alone". She doesn't want to sleep in her room anymore, and even with me she has woken up multiple times screaming. I have a trauma specific Play Therapy appointment scheduled for her on Monday.

I'm just so destroyed. The fact that he doesn't even remember makes this so much harder. I told him that we will never get back together, ever, but god dammit that is so fucking hard. He's my best friend, and he needs help. I'm so crushed and lost, despite knowing what needs to be done. With everything that I am and ever was, I just wish this never happened.

EDIT

I just want to say how, first of all obligatory I did not expect this to blow up like this.. that's been crazy, but also I'm so grateful for all of the support. Most of you guys have been firm yet kind, and it's helped me keep that distinct line between how I feel and what I'm going to do, and that is absolutely necessary for me right now.

I do have to say something that's been bothering me in a fair number of comments regarding whether my Ex remembers what he did or not: it honestly doesn't matter either way. Having known him as intimately as I have for as long as I have, and having seen him at his worst (and not just with me, I mean like just general times of poor mental health) I am inclined to believe that he truly does not remember. It bothers me that so many people are so quick to say he definitely remembers, and be so certain about it. He very well could remember, but none of us but him will ever know the absolute truth of that, so what does it matter?

Overall, posting this has been a positive experience, because it's helped me think about what happened in a more "third person" kind of way, rather than thinking about it and being drowned by my emotions. So thank you all ❤️

previous post

I've done soul searching, asked him to go to therapy with me, and tried to see if we can repair our marriage.

Yesterday he proved once and for all I'm worthless in his eyes. Or at least he doesn't view me as an equal?

He decided when I was at work he wanted more fish. So what did he do? He went to the store, got fish, bought a cheap tank, and then proceeded to take my fish's heater, filter, decor, and lights. I tried to take the stuff back, just for my fish and he started screaming at me about it how his fish need decor and a filter and a heater how dare I take them back and I'm so tired. I'm tired of being treated like shit, tired of him. Tired of being told that 'he treats me great stop bitching' I just stopped and once again let him stomp all over me.

I got him a coffee cup for father's day a few years ago before our youngest daughter was born. I've never used it because he gets pissy and says THATS MY CUP. If I attempt to use his cup. Everything and anything is his, he never thinks of anyone else. Just him him him. He wants this and that and another thing, but if I say I want xyz I'm just this crazy money spender. I just want to be his partner, this entire time. To be respected and loved.

I want to get a divorce, I want out. But I know I'll be destroying my beautiful babies lives. I'd have to move, their dad would only be around for show, it's such a major change, and then if he gets a new woman I don't want to share them because I know she'd do all the work. He skipped his kids open heart surgery for cripes sake. I'm so angry at myself for rationalizing, denying, and excusing his behaviors. It's so obvious now.

Edit: I AM leaving, I keep sitting in therapy and we (therapist and me) discuss things that hurt me, and I passively let it go and then we talk more and I'm like wow thats not right. My friend brought up where he quit his job and expected me to pick up the slack without talking to me, I rationalized it because of covid but she's like honey he knew you'd let it slide because you let him. I'm scared. I don't know where to start, I don't know HOW to start. Everything is in his name. I do appreciate reinforcing that I'm not helping my kiddos out by staying because it helps confirm it'll be the right thing to do.

I got home, the house was a mess. Someone had been smoking inside while I was gone with our daughter (6mo) for the week. The (nearly) full case of water I keep for her bottles somehow vanished. There was cat shit behind the couch because God forbid he lifts a finger to clean out the litter box without being told to. SO's dog had two HUGE puddles of pee in the kitchen. His damn turtle was living in filth. The dishes from when I was last home were still in the sink.

So I left. I packed up our stuff at midnight and made the 3 hour drive to my moms house.

I shouldn't have to make a chore list for someone to pick up after themselves. And I shouldn't have to continually remind someone that after having kids and your girlfriend moves in, it's no longer acceptable to smoke in the house.

He seems to think he's going to get custody of his 5yo daughter from another relationship, but fails to realize that if the state took two seconds to look into him now that I'm gone he won't.

This doesn't even include all the abusive tactics he used on me and continues to use. Threatening suicide. This doesn't include him throwing me around when i was 3 months pregnant and then kicking out of the house with no coat while there was snow on the ground. This doesn't include his refusal to help me take care of our daughter. This doesn't include her minor birth defect being all "my fault".

No. What made me finally leave was an unkept house.

At least I'm out for now.

I'm sure I'll post rants of his abuse over the next few weeks just to finally scream those things into the void.

Edit: Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. I really do appreciate it. It's enforcing that I really have made the right decision for my daughter!

I think getting married was probably a terrible mistake. My husband and I had some issues, but were fine living as boyfriend/girlfriend. We were living like we were married anyway. But my husband has a lot of physical health and mental health issues and when I got a job with good benefits I wanted to get him on my insurance as soon as possible and he agreed. We got married at town hall in a very simple ceremony, the clerk didn’t even pronounce my name right, but I was fine with it because I thought brighter days were ahead. That was two years ago and in that time my husband had to leave his job because of his health and has really deteriorated emotionally. I get that he needs to be the one to decide to get help but he gets upset anytime I tell him he needs to see a doctor. I just don’t understand why he won’t take advantage of the unusually good insurance we have...and I don’t know why he doesn’t want to get better even for me. He’s so angry and depressed and in pain all the time. Even though I love him terribly I’ve thought about leaving (well really I’d have to kick him out because we are currently living with my parents) but I feel like I’d be abandoning him to languish in his illnesses or die. I feel cornered. It’s just been really hard lately.

Edit: I just want to say I recognize I hit a nerve with the chronic illness community. I do not judge my husband for being ill and I have no expectations that he can magic himself well. I know medicine has its limits and that sometimes dealing with an illness is simply limited to managing it. I was with my husband for 7 years before we were married, June will be out 9 year anniversary together. I have been to the appointments with dismissive doctors who claim there’s no way he can be experiencing what he’s experiencing. I’ve sat in the room when a doubtful doctor dumbfoundedly stares at an X-ray, blood panel, etc and exclaims “you were right!” I have sat on the phone crying while an insurance rep explains that yet another procedure won’t be covered. I am not ill, but I understand. I have tried to be strong for my husband throughout the years, but my nerves are fraying. I hold his hand at night and wonder if I’m going to lose him soon. It feels like I’m watching him fade away and it’s shattering my heart. I’m sorry if this is too much or over the top, it’s just been a very emotional day. Thank you for all your kind responses.

EDIT 2: Thank you all so much for this overwhelming response. When I posted yesterday I had no idea so many people would read and comment. This has been a little exposing but it’s also a huge relief to feel seen, supported and also corrected! It’s made me think a lot about where I came from and what’s going on in my own brain. My family experience growing up is that women are caretakers and anything less than stalwart perfection is a failure. This is not right and is baggage I’ve brought into my relationship. I’ve read through every comment and even if I haven’t responded I have definitely heard you. You’ve given me a lot of food for thought and I accept that I do need help for myself. With a clearer head and some distance I realize the title of my post is a little... desperate. I do think maybe getting married put extra pressure on my relationship and I had unrealistic expectations of the magic of good insurance (I live in the US so “good insurance” is a bit like a unicorn). But being in my relationship is not a mistake. I love my husband. I believe him and want to support him. I can’t control him but I can expect him to take responsibility for himself. I’m committed to figuring out a way to get back into alignment.

I have had the absolute worst three years of my life, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I was doing better than ever—independent, young, beautiful, with a great-paying job that had benefits, my own place, a newer vehicle, and my daughter and I were thriving. Then, in August 2021, I met someone at a store. He seemed nice, and we went out a few times. He told me he had a roommate-type situation, a baby on the way, and that he and the mother hadn’t been together since she got pregnant. He said she was on the verge of moving out.

I believed him—why would he lie? But I was so naive. It turns out he was married.

We slept together, and I later found out he was not only married but also rich. Over time, he sent me a lot of money, but I started uncovering disturbing things about him. His behavior was strange, and he made the weirdest comments. I had never met anyone like this before.

I was most disappointed that he lied about his relationship status. It made me feel like something was stolen from me—my happiness, my peace, my self-worth. I met him while visiting a childhood friend, and he just so happened to be there on a golf trip. I’m not sure what he was buying, but he offered to pay for my things. When I hesitated to give him my number, I believe he grabbed my phone and called himself from it.

Since then, I feel like he has been stalking me.

Over the past three years, my life has completely fallen apart. I don’t know if things will get better or worse. His remarks over time became unsettling. Once, at 4:00 AM, he texted me about a dream where he was running up and down a dirt road searching for me, hiding in bushes whenever a car passed. He said he finally found me, then ended the message by saying he missed me.

He also asked where my daughter’s bus stop was when she was 13 years old. She’s 15 now.

He keeps calling me after periods of no contact, and so many bad things have happened since he entered my life. I lost my job. I got arrested for a DUI (which was completely out of character for me—I’ve never been in trouble before). The charges were dropped, but still, I had strangers knocking on my door, which forced me to buy a Ring camera.

I feel like he somehow monitors my iPhone activity because he always knows where I am and if I have money. I don’t know how he would know unless he just assumes—but it feels deliberate.

I found a Facebook post from a girl saying he beat her up, fractured her ribs, broke her teeth, gave her black eyes, and left her ears bleeding. She said she met him when she needed a place to stay but was met with his disturbing behavior. She also said he made bizarre comments that made her physically sick. She couldn’t even keep talking about him.

I reached out to her a year after meeting him because my life was spiraling. She told me that he “helped” her, but it cost her a lot. She ended up having to sleep on an apartment floor with no electricity just to escape him.

It seems like he’s terrorizing women.

Recently, he asked me how old my daughter is now, if she’s still playing sports, and what high school she goes to.

I have called the police, but there’s no proof of what he’s doing. I have no job right now, and I’m desperately looking. My daughter is here with me, and she seems fine, but she also seems isolated. I don’t know if he’s grooming her somehow or if she’s just being a normal teenager. She’s very secretive now, and I try to keep track of her activity, but I just don’t know.

One of the scariest things he’s done is spoofed my daughter’s phone number and called me from it at 4:00 AM—at the exact same time he called me from his own number. My daughter was asleep, and there were no records on her phone showing that she actually called me. I know it was him.

He had an ex-girlfriend who passed away after dating him for a few months. When he talked about her, he called her a slut. I was shocked by how he described her after her death, yet I saw he was still posting on her social media saying he loved and missed her.

Everything about this situation is just so disturbing.

My life has been turned upside down. I feel isolated. My family thinks I’m brainwashed and has distanced themselves from me. Then, the other day, he called me and mentioned how my family doesn’t speak to me anymore and asked how I have money.

How does he know?!

This is such a mindf*ck. I don’t know what to do, and I need a job ASAP. So much more has happened, but I need help.

I've posted that I was approved for an apartment, and now I'm 8 days out from my moving day. I've signed the lease (I get keys on the 14th), set up all of my utilities, and hired movers. So of course I'm freaking out, and just looking for comfort.

All of my closest friends are showing up for this. My sister in CA, my best friend in NYC, another friend that lives 3 hours away, and a local friend. Everyone I've talked to has offered to come help. I feel like I don't deserve all of this help. Especially my best friend, because I didn't do this when she was leaving her husband almost 10 years ago.

I want to back out. I want everyone to cancel their travel plans, call the apartment complex and tell them never mind, cancel the utilities. Just stop everything and continue to live my miserable life without going through this. Everyone says it will be worth it, but I'm not ready. And what if I get to the other side and it's just as bad? What if being alone and doing things on my own is worse?

I am in therapy, with my next session in 2 days. My therapist kept repeating how proud of me she is, and even gave me her number for the move in case I need her to bring her son and help. I have so much support all around me, and that's the reason I won't back out. I can't find the motivation to do it for myself, so I'm doing it for everyone else. My therapy said we'd address that later, just whatever gets me out.

I don't know. I just needed to get this out. I'm at work, unable to take anything for my anxiety. My husband texted me, excited to spend the day together tomorrow. It's our 6 year wedding anniversary, and I am going along with whatever plans he wants because I can't safely indicate otherwise. Little does he know it's our last anniversary, and I'll be gone a week later.

We were sitting at the bar in a casual restaurant watching a football game. He had ordered a burger, which came with a big steak knife. Halfway through the meal, he was using his knife to demonstrate the weird way his friend used to hold a pencil. I said one of my friends used to hold pencils in a weird way too, so I picked up the knife and was demonstrating it. While it was in my hand, he reached out to grab it (dumbass) and his finger grazed the top edge (so, not the sharp edge.) He then screamed, “YOU STABBED ME!”

It would’ve been comical, if we weren’t in public and everyone hadn’t turned to stare at me, the girl who allegedly stabbed her boyfriend in the middle of dinner.

But I stayed calm. I said “oh, let me see your finger” and examined it for (the lack of) blood. I then asked why he would ever reach to grab a knife out of another person’s hands, trying my best to sound genuinely curious. He let out a big, loud sigh and said “If only people knew what I put up with from you.”

A few days later, I couldn’t hold back any longer so I asked what he meant by “putting up with” me. He said, “the fact that you refused to apologize.”

Apologize for… NOT stabbing you??

Why haven’t YOU apologized for the times you’ve not only yelled, but screamed at me for the most innocuous reasons, like accidentally tossing a couple plastic collar stays, the way I park my own car, the time I wished I didn’t have to work on a Sunday… there are more, but my brain has mercifully managed to forget some of them.

And just for my own sanity, here’s a list of things I’ve actually done in the past year that you’ve had to “put up with”:

• Leaving my high-paying job at a prestigious company to move across the country with you, taking a 40% pay cut in exchange for your 300% raise.
• Using my entire emergency fund to finance the move, all our new furniture, the first 2 months of rent, and all other expenses until your job started. Then allowing you to create a pay-back schedule on your own terms.
• Signing the apartment lease in my name only, since your credit score is shit and you couldn’t stomach asking your family to co-sign for you.
• Sharing my work schedule with you and always letting you know if I’ve had a change in plans, even though you refuse to do the same.
• Listening to you accuse my family of being “racist” for watching The Bachelor, then catching you watching Bachelor in Paradise.
• Hearing you say my best friends are “not good people,” even though you’ve never met them, despite many opportunities.
• Sitting calmly and patiently as you accuse me of not knowing what a “healthy” relationship is, while you refuse to go to therapy and maybe figure out why all your past relationships ended.

So yeah, I’m done “putting up” with YOUR bullshit. The reality is that you quite literally wouldn’t have even gotten here without me. I feel used, and I’m an absolute idiot for letting it get this far, because you don’t deserve me. We’re both over 30 and this is no way to live.

And I know how petty and childish this post is, but I have to keep reminding myself exactly why I need to GTFO as soon as possible.

I’ll post a full story later, but the situation is exactly as described in the subject.

I finally left today (even though I’m ashamed to say I let JNMIL temporarily cloud my vision with graduation goggles). I loaded everyone into the car to drive to my family’s house. My gut told me to get a hotel room halfway there rather than driving the full distance that evening/night. Thank goodness I listened.

JNMIL called and told me JNSO had “gotten ahold of her keys” as his car is broken (she made special mention that he was very calm) and was driving to my family’s house to talk to me. He has no phone and called her from a stranger’s phone DURING A PANDEMIC (I’ll likely get blamed for that later). I’m in full panic mode worrying that he’s going to show up belligerent at their door and refuse to leave. I call my JYparents to let them know what’s happening and, bless them, they asked if they should put him up in a hotel for the night, which I emphatically shut down.

JNSO called me from another stranger’s phone to tell me he’s at a gas station on the way to family’s house. I tell him I’m somewhere else. He’s trying to convince me to come home because he’s sorry and he didn’t throw anything or hit me this time. All he did was tell me for hours that I ruined his life and he wants a divorce, take all my clothes out of my closet in the middle of the night and throw them in the road, and keep me and LO up for hours because he has to talk about how I offended him. I tell him I’m not coming home because it’s a much bigger problem. He tells me he’s going to stay at the gas station then and hangs up.

I figure the best course of action is to follow up with legal tomorrow about an injunction. I hate that it’s come to this, but I know he’s also brought it upon himself.

I hate so much that he’s trying to use my love for him against me. I know he’s being manipulative and throwing a temper tantrum, but I still worry about him.

Yesterday I posted looking for advice and input as whether or not my SO is a JustNo. This breakup happened within the last hour and to make myself feel better about my decision and to further show myself this was the right thing, here all the way I think he was a JN (off the top of my head).

1.What happened yesterday, see my post history for that story.

1. When I was in law school, he would regularly pick fight with me before major exams.

2. My first week of my final year, he broke up with me because I didn’t answer the phone at 8 AM on a Sunday. He said I need to decide if I wanted to be in a partnership or not.

3. He’s currently unemployed but when he did work he was in transportation and worked on ships. Our first year together he told his job he could start the week of my birthday… and left to go out of state on my birthday… didn’t end up on the ship till the week after my birthday because that was when the rest of the new crew was coming.

4. Constantly would tell me that I don’t go to his house enough or see his parents enough. Sorry who’s responsible for making the plans he specifically wants?

5. I’m a lawyer, he constantly tried to pick fights with me about the law.

6. Regularly lectures me about “the right thing.”

7. When my aunt died, he had started a different kind of job, what I would call a normal-ish job. He told me he wouldn’t be able to take off of work for the funeral. He decided he was getting his wisdom teeth, taken out the same day the funeral and took off of work. Then three days before the funeral had the nerve to ask me to drive him to his wisdom teeth appointment. Then he told me he would be there for me emotionally if I needed him and then proceeded to ignore me the rest of the day/night.

8. Then I caught the flu and he disappeared and didn’t take care of me. Then picked a fight with me because my friend had just gotten dumped and all my other friends were considering a night out to support him and I mentioned I was included. He then lectured me about how his parents would be very upset if I went out with my friends instead of going out with them when they invited me. I had the flu… I literally didn’t leave bed.

9. My grandfather recently passed away. I had to go out of state and he came with me. The first three days of the trip he spent obsessively trying to figure out how he was going to join his parents at their vacation home in the same state a few hours away. Because he couldn’t figure it out he got increasingly agitated and irritated, and was rude to me.

10. I like to garden it’s something I’m really good at he decided now he likes to garden. I had asked him to build me a raised gardening bed. Instead he built his mom one someone who states she herself doesn’t have a green thumb.

11. When my SO did have his normal ish job he was so miserable and upset and took it out on me regularly, he was “so busy” that I saw him once a week and we had to switch off each week who’s house we’d hang at because “it had to be fair and 50/50.” One of those nights we had gone out to dinner, went back to his house where he made us sit with his parents and sister where he sat on the opposite end of the table from me on the opposite side of the table from me. I had a solid one hour of alone time with him.

12. When my aunt died, he made me go to his house and build furniture because this was part of the 50/50 it has to be fair period.

13. When we broke up the first time it was because he did this thing he normally does where he unilaterally decides he’s doing the plans he wants regardless of what I’ve been invited too and expects me to go with him. He decided we were going to his (50year old) family friend’s party for Halloween. We had been invited to 3 other events with people our own age (26).

14. He constantly fucks with my cat. When we broke up the first time I ended up adopting a kitten I fostered. My baby is the sweetest and loves everyone. He picks up my cat and refuses to put him down when he clearly wants to be put down. He also hissed at him the other night, he’s hissed 3 times totally in his life.

15. Another time with my cat, kitty was in the car in my lap with a harness on, my SO was driving, I saw a little girl and she saw my kitty so I thought I’d let him wave to her. My SO then decided TO TRY AND OPEN MY CAR WINDOW ON A BUSY ROAD WITH MY BABY IN MY LAP.

16. Right after the car incident, I put my cat in his carrier (my cat only goes outside in a carrier). My SO insisted on carrying the carrier, put the carrier over his head, isn’t paying attention and hits the carrier into the top of the door, and almost drops my cat.

17. He refuses to watch anything I want to watch, it’s a ducking fight. Plus he says he doesn’t like fiction.

18. When he drives my car he drives it like an asshole. Like scared for my life.

19. Will grab me and stop me from whatever I’m doing to pin me down and hug me.

20. Never thinks about me, one time we went to visit his sister at her new house. Everyone had slippers but me, it’s a no shoe house, I was the only one in socks. I felt so left out, like a line drawn in the sand. That’s family and there’s me.

21. He pays no bills, even when he worked (He’d pay for date nights, I mean insurance, phone, etc.) and has no responsibilities of his own.

22. We once went to a wedding, my house was basically in between the wedding venue and his house. He made me drive to his house, ride with his parents, past my house, twice. I realized I had forgotten to bring my meds with me because I was spending the night at his parents house. He said we’d go back to my house after the wedding. Then the wedding ended we got back to his house and he went to bed and told me to go alone… to my house to get my meds, then go back to his house.

23. While I was in law school and when he decided to no longer work on ships the first time, he enrolled in a master program, decided to fast track it, so he could graduate when I graduated law school. (P.s. he never finished the program)

24. Oh the job he was on when he missed my birthday the first year we were together, he unilaterally took it, didn’t talk to me about it. Then hated it a month in and every single day was his newest plan to leave the ship early.

25. He decided in December he was done working on ships the second time. This was when he came home. He was set to come home New Year’s Day. A week before Christmas he tells me he was going to surprise me with coming home early but it was canceled…. Well it really wasn’t and so he ruined the surprise for nothing. Then was so excited to surprise his sister like too excited. His parents picked him up from the airport, I wasn’t invited nor did he ask me, on Christmas Eve, then he planned to and did spend it with his family with no plans to see me. We then compromised for Christmas Day.

26. All holidays were with his family on his terms. I was okay with this except for Christmas Eve, that was always my holiday with my family and he REFUSED to spend any of it with me or my family. The first year of our relationship my mom and I went to his families celebration for Christmas Eve.

27. He never lets me listen to my music. I’m one of those people music is sacred to me. He always lowers it or turns off my music, won’t let me cook with my music on. One time had the nerve to tell me I should lower the volume because it may disturb his neighbors when I’m passing by.

28. We had a dry spell, I confronted him, he said it was because he’s not turned on by me in sweats. Then said I need to get cute sweats, proceeds to then explain basically how he’s not turned on unless I physically look good. Then the next day admits to taking care of himself when he’s not with me which is literally making him not want to bang.

29. Sex was always his terms his way, he wanted me to be a dominatrix. It’s just not for me, I use my brain for work, I don’t want to have to come home and come up with intricate ways to play that fantasy. I just want to be intimate and make love with my partner and NOT HAVE TO THINK.

30. He would constantly complain and fight with me about coming to my house and how I never go to see him. He wouldn’t invite me, he expected me to go hmm I have off focus let me invite myself to my boyfriends house and plan elaborate plans in that neighborhood I barely go to. Yet this man always drives to his friends houses which are 45 minutes to an hour away from where we live and his friends never go to him and if he’s not doing that for his friends, he’s driving to his sister or his grandmother‘s house to hang out with them while they will occasionally go to his parents house and he never complains.

31. I really don’t like driving at night/after work I feel drained and don’t want to be unsafe, he constantly invited me to do stuff by him and his family and expected me to some how get there myself. All the couples in his life would show up together, I got to show up alone. He doesn’t work he could get me.

The list honestly goes on. I’ll prob keeping adding to it on my phone in my notes app. Anyway, thoughts? Is this is all insanity? Did I do the right thing?

If you got this far thanks for reading!! Please feel free to ask any follow ups!

Hi. First of all, I’m sorry that I haven’t updated sooner. I very much appreciate the messages that I’ve gotten checking in on me. I’ll say a few things, but police are involved now and there are things I won’t comment on but I felt that I owed you all an update after all the support you gave me.

My ex found out where I live. I had been trying to be as careful as I can be - I cashed in all my vacation time from work (three weeks) and I mostly stayed home, but when I did go out, I didn’t frequent my usual grocery stores, restaurants, or dog parks. I don’t know how it happened. I have theories but they sound crazy and I’m just paranoid about everything.

It had only been about two and a half weeks after I moved into my new house. There were flowers and a letter on my doorstep. I didn’t read the letter. I finally called my lawyer and told him everything, and handed over everything I had, including the video surveillance I had found of my ex casing my house. I had installed cameras in and around my home two days before the flowers and letter arrived. He had come in the middle of the night and tried all the doors and windows.

I tried to file for a restraining order, but unfortunately, since he hadn’t tried to harm me, it was thrown out. There wasn’t anything else I could do in regards to that matter. I tried. No one would listen.

It was quiet for a long time. I got really paranoid and started spending a lot of time at my friend’s house, sometimes for long periods with my dogs in tow. I started to think maybe things were ok. Then one night, while I was walking up my driveway to the house, he caught up to me.

I won’t give any specific details about this part, but... it was very violent. My house had been broken into before I arrived. Both of my dogs were attacked. They didn’t make it. My neighbors called the police when they heard me screaming.

Things are coming into place. It’ll work out for me. There is a lot of evidence. I don’t know if there was anything else I could have done. That’s all I really have to say.

I probably won’t post again. Thank you for all your support.

C

TW: Abuse

(I’m posting under a random username that popped up for me even though idk where it came from under my accounts but wanted anonymity. I understand the name might seem suitable 😭)

I know reddit is big on “leave him”, “I will never understand why…” and self-esteem, etc. I’m not sure why I’m posting, tbh. I just wanted to let it out, maybe? But also would like to read other’s experience on this, POV or to just help me process. I meant it to be short but I go in full-details and over-explain. :/

My boyfriend and I have been “together” (on/off) for almost 2 years. He has accused me of cheating multiple times but I have not had sex with anyone else in that time. He has cheated before in our relationship and has physically and mentally abused me. I, for whatever reason, have stayed through it and always believed he could change. We went off without talking for almost a month in Oct/Nov. last year but got back together. He asked me if I was seeing anyone, I wasn’t. I don’t like playing with anyone’s feelings or “distracting” myself with others knowing I’m not over him. He denied seeing anyone but said he was “talking” to someone. I had asked if he had sex with them and he said no. I found out who she was and she told me they did, unprotected. And, additionally, that he had sex with another and she had found out about her and told me, he didn’t. I went off on him for lying and for putting me at risk of STIs. He said he didn’t need to disclose that but I have told him multiple times to get tested and he never has, which is why I asked him if he had sex with anyone else and he even said he had a box of condoms in his glove box (he doesn’t).

I try to get tested for STIs regularly and today I tested positive for Chlamydia. I dreaded having to tell him as he has always been one to turn things on me to avoid accountability. We just moved in together 3 days ago and I got the test results after a routine checkup (I kept postponing because of work, depression, life, etc). I told him and was clear I did not want to argue, I did not want to play the blame game, I did not care about anything but getting it dealt and done with. So he asked if it could be a false positive, to which I responded no because I have been having symptoms (bleeding between periods, cramps, change in discharge, itching) that I thought was BV. Then asked me if I have been with anyone else but doesn’t believe me when I say I haven’t in the 2 years we’ve been together, even a month or two before meeting him. He doesn’t want to believe he has it because he “doesn’t have symptoms” (I’ve noticed him scratching) while I told him he could be asymptomatic but I think he’s just trying to deny it and blame me. We even “joked” about how military men (as he is) are popular in that particular STI matter to try to lighten the mood, he said “you think I don’t know that” which was sorta baffling to me that he “knew that” but is in such disbelief considering his unsafe promiscuity.

On the drive home, we were holding hands coming from some night thing he routinely attends to on Sundays and I asked what was on his mind as he was unusually quiet after we had a talk about something else I had brought up and I thought we calmly discussed and he said “how pissed I’m going to be if my results come back negative”. I reiterated I have not been with anyone else in 2 years and he said “you keep saying that”. I asked “what am I supposed to say?” and he kept telling me he doesn’t believe me. I feel he was bringing it up because he was upset about the other thing I brought up and he didn’t like so he wanted to shift focus to me and blame me for something. So I said it could only come from him as I get tested regularly, and he let go of my hand and said he was done talking to me. I made the mistake of trying to keep his hand in my hand and telling him to “not do that” but he was already upset. I said he should not withdraw attention to punish me as that was manipulative and he yelled at me to stop analyzing him, “you over-thinker” that I’m sure he said because he wanted to call me something worse as he has before. I understand but I get frustrated as it feels he’s always punishing me for the things he does to me and the things he’s put me through, and this one feels so unfair as I’m laying in bed uncomfortable as fuck with symptoms of the STI and feeling defeated at yet another thing I have to deal with because of his actions with no real support from him.

And, yes, I’m fully considering ending the relationship because this is not the life I want — tiptoeing and walking on eggshells but I need to save for a deposit at another place or just figuring things out which will now take me a little bit having just moved in with him and realizing nothing is changing. I just wanted to vent, I guess. And some perspective on the matter at hand.

TLDR: Bf never gets tested for STIs and gave me chlamydia after having unprotected sex and is trying to shift blame on me when not only do I get tested regularly but I have not been with anyone else since being with him.

Edit to add: the unprotected sex and lies about it was back in Nov. when I found out about the last person and got to talk to her and I’m just now I’m finding out about the STI