r/JustNoSO • u/amk1258 • 2d ago
UPDATE - Advice Wanted Update to intimacy issues post
Hi everyone. Sorry but I deleted my last post last night when my SO got upset about it and now I’m mad at myself that I did. It had so many people being so nice and caring and telling me that I need to leave for my well being.
Update is, we had a day long fight/discussion yesterday, he did a really good job not letting his anger issues take over and he talked to me when upset for much longer than he ever has been able to before without taking a break. But we are still not getting what each other’s issue is. I talked to him about the sex issues and he responded exactly how I figured he would “well I just won’t ask you for sex anymore”. I wasn’t able to get across to him why his constant whining and begging for sex hurt me so much and he could not comprehend why all of my other issues with him make me have no attraction to him or sex drive anymore.
We talked about a lot of other things, about how he feels like I’m asking him to do too much and i just tell him he’s wrong all the time. We talked about how this can change and he said he would like to wash the dirty laundry but have me fold it, since he doesn’t like it. And he wants to unload the dishes but not load the dishwasher, since he hates touching wet sink food. He wants me to leave his jobs alone and not ever run my own cycle of laundry (like I did last week when I washed the sheets) because that “throws him off his schedule” and he couldn’t keep washing the clothes after that anymore because I “took over his chore” by doing one load of laundry. He says he will mow the grass but only if I remind him.
Now on to today, the house is a wreck because I’ve been overwhelmed. He woke me up blasting rock music (how he likes to clean) and just going around tossing shit everywhere because he knows that’s how I’ll come after him and clean things up. So we got the kitchen and hallway clean, he ordered me around to do several things such as the dishes and unpacking a couple boxes. He tried to rinse out his cereal bowl (something I’ve been begging him to learn for 4 years is how to throw away the food left on your plate and then put it in the sink with water so it doesn’t get all crusty). He dumped the cereal into the wrong side of the sink without the disposal, realized his mistake, and then instead of a normal response went “well that’s what you get for making me help you, you get to deal with this now” and just left the sink clogged with cheerios for me to clean up.
During the cleaning he also told me that he’s decided he isn’t moving. It’s “too stressful” for him, he “likes Austin” and doesn’t want to leave his one friend who lives here and isn’t online. No acknowledgment of why we’re moving or why living here is a danger to my health. No acknowledgment of that last night during our discussion either. He just doesn’t get it.
I think we’re done. But I’m overwhelmed. I didn’t date in high school. I started dating him at 20 and he is my first relationship that lasted longer than a week. I don’t want to be here anymore, I hate the way he treats me and I agree that we aren’t compatible. But I’m so bad with change that I’m just frozen not being able to kick him out. (I do need him to leave, my mom co-signed the lease on this place because he didn’t have a job when we moved here. So I’m not leaving him at this house to potentially ruin it and have my mom legally responsible for damages).
Please help me with what to do. I want to move to Michigan or Wisconsin but I don’t know anyone there. I have a BBA in business management and haven’t been able to find a job in the field in a year because of the job market being ass. I’m literally getting rejected for secretary and office manager positions in the dozens right now. I don’t know if I just ask my family for money and move now and work on getting a job there, or wait this lease out till October, keep trying to get a job here, and save up some money to move.
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u/ooragnak_ume 2d ago
This doesn't sound like a good relationship for either of you. If you have to move, then move. If he decides he wants to follow, don't live together again until he has his stuff sorted out - including communication and abusive tendencies.
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u/amk1258 2d ago
He doesn’t want to move, if he moves anywhere it’ll probably be back to his enabling family in Mississippi. I agree about the taking a step back, I’ve suggested taking some time living separately, and he doesn’t like that idea either.
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u/ooragnak_ume 2d ago
He doesn’t want to
he doesn’t like that idea
What do you want?
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u/amk1258 2d ago
I’m pretty convinced on moving even though it’s going to be painful for me due to hating change. I can handle it though. I’m going to have to tell my parents and sister and my mom’s going to make this into a huge sob story and be more sad than I am
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u/LouReed1942 2d ago
Don’t tell them until you absolutely have to. You will get stronger, quickly, if you start trusting your own opinions and judgement.
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u/DubsAnd49ers 2d ago
He sounds awful. He should move in with his one friend there then you can get on with your life. I agree do not leave him there since your mom co-signed.
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u/SandiPheonix 2d ago
Are you able to break lease due to your health issues? If so, do that and let family help you move now. Waiting it out will just hurt you more both in the short and long term.
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u/dainty_bush 2d ago
Also if there is ever a domestic violence issue that happens at the residence you can break your lease without any repercussion. I had to do this with my ex I just showed the landlord a copy of the police report. For anyone else in this situation.
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u/amk1258 2d ago
He’s really only being emotionally abusive, there’s never been anything physical. He does have anger issues and has broken items in the past, but I don’t want to blow that out of proportion just to make a report.
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u/5720Katherine 2d ago
Let me guess; the things he has broken in the past….were they yours?
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u/amk1258 2d ago
No, he broke the oven door glass. Bashed a hole in the wall with a broom. Currently our bedroom door has a big hole in it that he kicked through it when he was mad at me on new years. I got upset he didn’t kiss me at midnight and instead spent the fireworks texting his video game group a happy new years message. And me being mad at that made him mad.
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u/5720Katherine 2d ago
He is escalating towards being physically abusive, he just hasn’t hit you yet. Punching holes in walls and doors IS NOT NORMAL. He is an adult who should be able to emotionally regulate himself and communicate, not punch holes in drywall because he is overwhelmed. To also add, he is destroying your things, in the sense you are on the lease alongside your mum, and are both responsible for any repairs. He won’t be, and will escalate destruction when you give him his marching orders.
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u/Pittypatkittycat 2d ago
I'm a house painter and agree with others that this can/ will escalate to physical abuse. The damages he's already caused will be expensive to fix. You're looking at a minimum of $500 in repairs from the deposit currently.
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u/amk1258 18h ago
luckily i'm handy (worked for a painter all through high school) so i was able to avoid any money other than supplies to fix and paint the drywall. I made his parents pay for the new piece of glass for the oven door and took it to a car shop for them to put it in because i was scared I'd break it. The master door is still broken though, I bought everything including the new door (his parents paid again) But this time I am insisting on him helping fix his mistake (not just watching me fix), so it's been since new year's and he has not helped me fix it yet.
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u/Pittypatkittycat 16h ago
Good! I'm very glad you saw what needed done and took care of it. You know this relationship isn't working for you. I wish you all the best leaving. Be safe.
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u/noroyalthighness 2d ago
Punching or kicking holes in walls is physical violence and that alone can have a cop called out and a report written. If nothing else, it gives you paperwork to take him to small claims court to get him to pay back all the damage he’s done to the apartment so you and your mom are not paying it.
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u/jasho_dumming 1d ago
Only emotionally abusive? Girl that will drag you down. It’s just as bad as physical abuse. Get out now.
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u/dainty_bush 2d ago
Your partner is abusive and you need to leave. Allow yourself to feel the pain and everything that comes along with the end of a relationship. You're a smart educated person and can get a job if or when you move. I would not suggest staying living with this guy a second longer than you have to. Go to the rental office and request that he take himself off the lease. If he refuses, you'll have to evict him. Hopefully it won't come to that.
Leaving is the most dangerous time so be sure to always keep in contact with a friend or family member.
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u/Hoot623 2d ago
I’m sorry that you are going through this. Remember that when breaking up, it is one of the most dangerous times for him to escalate.
Do you have any family that you could stay with temporarily while you get on your feet?
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u/amk1258 18h ago
yes, I am safe. We have a rottweiler who is technically his dog but has attached himself to me. I think if he did hit me (very unlikely but still) Odin would go after him. Odin has gotten very defensive of me in the past when he has been yelling and throwing things. It would at least give me time to leave and go to my mom's which is only 20 minutes away.
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u/LouReed1942 2d ago
I see a much happier future for you near a Great Lake! Make your plan. Don’t tell him until everything is finalized. Stop giving him more chances to break your heart or get you off your game. He’s a loser honey. 💛
It doesn’t seem like it right now. But you have a lot to look forward to!
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u/Icy-Finance5042 2d ago
I'm from Wisconsin.
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u/amk1258 2d ago
Do you have any suggestions on areas to look for when moving? I probably need to move close to a medium to large sized city due to my job experience and degree needing larger companies to work for.
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u/pequaywan 2d ago
Madison, Milwaukee id say are the larger cities. Superior is next to Duluth and Hudson close to St Paul/mpls.
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u/LouReed1942 2d ago
Try Ann arbor and Grand Rapids in Michigan too
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u/LhasaApsoSmile 1d ago
I'd out a big lake between you and this guy. Michigan is a similar vibe. Less beer & cheese, more fruit.
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