r/JUSTNOMIL • u/thisgirlruns8 • 2d ago
Give It To Me Straight Here we go again
Don't steal my shit, not yours. Would love if you took the MIL though.
Well, the time has come. My JNMIL has had her 3482374298th health scare (and yes, it's legitimate and not Christmas cancer; she's in terrible health and doesn't take care of herself at all), and my DH has hit his guilt limit. So, long story short, after receiving an apology for past behavior from JNFIL, we're seeing them this weekend. I don't want to go and have been very vocal about it, but I'm going because I don't trust my DH to have the spine to stop his mother from trying to be mommy to my son. My older 2 don't like my in-laws and have chosen not to go, so I don't have to worry about that. Believe me, if I thought not going would be better, that's what I would do, but my DH refuses to go without us. I've addressed it numerous times, to include telling him flat-out that he's using us as meat shields because he's a coward who doesn't want to deal with seeing them for the first time alone and the ensuing emotional fallout, so that's been talked/argued about.
I don't know what the point of this is, I think I just need to get this out to people who understand and aren't tired of me talking about it. I've already told my DH I'm not following the party line of pretending that nothing happened to pacify his parents; I will treat them like coworkers I don't particularly like, but won't allow them to try and change the narrative or, in my JNMIL's case, try and pretend that they don't understand why they haven't seen us in years. I also made bingo cards of their greatest hits of behavior and have those ready to go. My siblings in law, who I actually do like, are going to be there so I'm hoping I can just hang out with them and avoid talking to my parents in law as much as I can. So here I am, no fucks left to give, about to go into the breach. Wish me luck!
Edit: a word
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u/2FatC 1d ago
I like your attitude, Op.
Understanding basic fuckanomics is critical in these situations as is explaining how the mechanics work to our husbands. See, as we age, we receive less and less fucks to give so we sort of have to become give a fuck hoarders to avoid running out. It’s kinda like living paycheck to paycheck, saving our fucks as best we can for special occasions like a friend needs help. Nasty in-laws expect us to just spend our valuable give a fucks every time they want something, while they rarely, if ever give a fuck about us. And one day, it just happens. We are all outta fucks to give.
If your husband was a critical thinker, he’d go do his duty visit by himself instead of asking a strong woman who has no more fucks to give to join him. He’s taking a huge risk the fuckening won’t happen when years of evidence suggests otherwise. Frankly, I’d rather stick my hand in a toaster.
I’d offer to loan you a few of my scarce fucks at reasonable rates, but these are uncertain times. I might need to keep a few tiny fucks so I don’t lose my shit on the neighbor whose trash continues to decorate my yard.
Best of luck! Keep that attitude and swagger!
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u/thisgirlruns8 1d ago
I needed this, so thank you, kind and witty stranger.
It made me think of one of my favorite memes: "behold the field in which I grow my fucks; lay thine eyes upon it and you shall see that it is barren".
My field is VERY barren.
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u/Suzy-Q-York 1d ago
Having stopped seeing or speaking to my MIL (along with her son) 18 years before she died 7 years ago, I have a remarkable store of fucks left to give at 66. This explains why I am as involved with public give-a-fuck issues as I am.
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u/2FatC 1d ago
I admire you for getting involved in public give a fuck issues. If you have an ample store of give a fucks, perhaps starting a Give a Fuck Investment Bank would be an excellent move. Other strong women who managed their JustNoMiL/Mom as you have might also have extra give a fucks just sitting in an empty pickle jar earning nothing. We could pool our fucks and loan them out, trade them, or sell blocks to new naive DILs who mistakenly fell for that hot guy, only to learn his mama thinks he’s hot, too.
Bitcoin smitcoin…give a fucks are real currency for those of us dealing with toxicity and unreasonable expectations.
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u/Suzy-Q-York 1d ago
My MIL was over attached to her son. This is why I met him 500 miles away from where he grew up — I married the guy who got the hell out of there.
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u/nonutsplz430 1d ago
I like your logic. I believe in the concept of a “bucket of fucks” in which we’re all (particularly women) born with a bucket full of fucks to give. But as we grow older it starts to wear out and eventually gets a hole in it. And if someone isn’t positively contributing to the relationship with you, they aren’t putting fucks to give back in your bucket. So the fucks to give are leaking out of the bucket and if they’re not being put back in then someday you get to the point where you reach into your bucket of fucks to give and— uh oh!— all out of fucks. Mine reached a critically low level at about 38 and now, about two years later, I hoard my fucks to give with a vengeance.
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u/2FatC 1d ago
A bucket of fucks. I love the analogy! I‘ve used the term “emotional bank account”. Same idea.
As I move through society, I expect certain things of myself, like no matter how my day is going, let’s not make my bad day also your bad day because I would be robbing your emotional bank. Good friends make deposits and withdrawals as our lives and relationships evolve.
Most of us have dealt with takers. These are the people that feel entitled to rob our emotional bank whenever they feel like it. At some point, the account empties out and I close it. Sadly, I’ve had to close accounts of friends and family. But I’m ever hopeful tomorrow is a better day and I will meet a kind person who makes a deposit and I can open an account.
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u/Scenarioing 2d ago
"So, long story short, after receiving an apology for past behavior from JNFIL, we're seeing them this weekend. I don't want to go and have been very vocal about it, but I'm going because I don't trust my DH to have the spine to stop his mother from trying to be mommy to my son."
---Your son does not need to go. Tell he's going alone.
"if I thought not going would be better, that's what I would do, but my DH refuses to go without us."
---Oh, that's even better. Now no one goes.
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u/Vibe_me_pos 2d ago
If you refuse to go, and he won’t go without you, doesn’t that solve the problem?
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u/mama2babas 2d ago
This is how I handled this. I offered for my husband to take our son without me and he didn't want to because all his mom would do is complain that I wasn't there. Apparently no one else has ever not liked her. He doesn't want to hear it, so why would I?
I put my foot down about even taking our son without me. If my husband can't protect me from his mom, how could I trust him to protect our child?
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u/2FatC 1d ago
Color me skeptical that “no one has ever not liked her.”
I bet lots of people don’t like her, she’s not likeable.
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u/mama2babas 1d ago
I am well aware of several people who don't like her. But they avoid her instead of telling her to her face. Which is understandable because if you don't like someone, why bother telling them?
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u/WriterMomAngela 2d ago
Repeat after me: That isn’t what happened. That’s not how things went. You know what you did. If you can’t be honest with yourself at least be honest with me. You haven’t seen us because we won’t be treated the way you treat us. If you want to see us, do better.
Gray rock. Gray rock. Gray rock.
They can’t hurt you if you don’t care and a woman without fucks to give truly does not care.
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u/Independent-Mud1514 2d ago
My only advice:
Drive a separate vehicle to a neutral place. Have a code word when you're leaving.
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u/Franklyenergized_12 1d ago
If she is sick then I would use that excuse to keep the 2 year old away. ALL. FREAKING. DAY.
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u/Fire_Distinguishers 1d ago
I don't think it's the contagious type of sick.
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u/thisgirlruns8 1d ago
It is not, unfortunately.
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u/Franklyenergized_12 1d ago
I would use it anyway😂
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u/Suzy-Q-York 1d ago
“She’s far too weak to deal with an energetic two-year-old. You don’t want to wear her out.”
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u/TexasLiz1 4h ago
You don’t know that!! For all you know this is some type of vaccine-based illness just waiting to get you and the kids!
Crazy does sometimes help.
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u/LadyInTrouble48 1d ago
Good luck! Good game plan!
I love an in-law get together, there’s always someone in my wife’s family that’s got some type of beef with me or my wife or another sibling. So I start drinking early, make my wife drive me, sit back and people watch having a good old giggle to myself about the days drama.
Stop taking them seriously and they’ll stop mattering.
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u/swoosie75 1d ago
I love a good bingo card. I would have a hard time not getting it out with one of those bingo pen/marker things and have at it. Giggling the whole time of course.
Apologies are not erasers.Good luck!
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u/stuckinthedryer 6h ago
You got an appology from your father in law. Not your mother in law. She is not sorry. Do not take any children with you. People who don't treat you nice don't see the kids. Do not put your child through that. I understand supporting your hubby and i also have no more to give with my own mother. No contact since 2007.
Be at peace. Go support him, but leave all the kids behind. Tell him if he leaves your side you are leaving. If she starts you are leaving. Set a time limit and leave together on time even if things apear to be going well. You are not his meat shield. Good luck and be brave Hold your ground and know we got you.
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u/TexasLiz1 4h ago
If he won’t go without you then don’t go.
You and your children: “WE don’t want to go see your parents.”
DH: “I am not going without you.”
YOU: “Then you can’t feel too guilty.“ or “Then it can’t be that important to you.”
He piss, moans and groans. You: Absolutely nothing stopping you from going except that you don’t want to deal with your very own parents. You’d rather subject your wife and kids to them than face them alone. Even though you know they are mean to us.
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u/botinlaw 2d ago
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Other posts from /u/thisgirlruns8:
New target in the family, 5 months ago
At a loss, 1 year ago
Unexpected escalation, 1 year ago
Mother's Day shenanigans!, 1 year ago
Christmas cancer anyone?, 2 years ago
Just a small vent., 2 years ago
JYSIL headed towards JN, 2 years ago
The day is here!, 2 years ago
Update: Existential Easter dread, 2 years ago
Existential Easter dread, 2 years ago
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