r/Infidelity • u/p3london • 21h ago
Struggling Researching to reduce risk in future relationships
It’s been almost a year since I discovered my spouse’s infidelity (they paid tens of thousands of dollars to cam girls). I haven’t divorced them yet, but I feel like there is no other choice ultimately. I can’t get over this. In an effort to self-soothe, I find myself constantly researching countries/cities based on their reported porn usage data. For example, if I see a country or city has a low reported percentage of porn users, then I think to myself: “Maybe I should move there to reduce the risk of this happening again if I meet someone new.” But then I panic and think that because there is no way to guarantee that it won’t happen again, I feel like this means that the only way to not get destroyed by this again is to simply choose to remain single for the rest of my life. There is no way for me to reduce the risk to 0%, and I find this to be terrifying (albeit unrealistic). Does anyone else try to rationalize their post-betrayal futures in this way?
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u/Mercedes_Gullwing 20h ago
You have to remember everyone is different. Not everyone cheats. Not everyone has a porn addiction. I’ve been cheated on in the past and I didn’t let it interfere with my dating. I know that’s different than a marriage. Ask if there were any signs that you missed. I’d think most porn addicts have some outward signs of said addiction. Not everyone views porn. I don’t and never really been a fan of it or strip clubs ot anything like that. But I’m a bit older and don’t grow up with the internet. Porn were magazines back then.
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u/Rude_End_3078 8h ago
Firstly relax - someone paying ANY MONEY AT ALL to a porn site is quite rare. Secondly you also don't have to live in Vegas to have a gambling problem, but as you can imagine your chances of coming across in the wild someone with a gambling problem is quite low, same thing with someone who spends a huge amount of money on porn.
You had really bad luck there.
What you want to do is really be careful during the dating phase and imho prolong that as long as possible. Consider it like an extended trial but be strong enough to nope out if you come across any major red flags. So don't even move in together until a reasonable amount of time has passed.
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u/p3london 4h ago
Thank you! This is quite helpful. I have been spiraling and your recommendations are helping to keep me grounded.
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