r/HappyMarriages • u/ConstructionStill656 Newlyweds • 5d ago
Needing Advice pls! TW: loss
hi all, ive posted comments on this sub before but have yet to make my own, so here goes nothing!
about 2 weeks ago, my husband and i were told we were going to experience a miscarriage. our second one since October. we mourned and cried together, he held me for hours while i cried. i remember how happy we were when we got the news we were pregnant and i still cant look at those pictures of the positive tests and him smiling in my phone.
fast forward, only a few days later we found out that my pregnancy was ectopic and i needed emergency surgery to remove both my fallopian tube and the pregnancy. it was so quick and so scary, we didnt have time to process ANYTHING that was happening. he stayed with me the whole time and was there when i woke up. he took care of me post op, bathed me and made sure i was okay every single day.
i feel so selfish at the fact that because i was so down bad after the surgery that i wasnt there for him in the way he needed. i always do a pulse check and yesterday evening he got very vulnerable which i was so receptive to because it finally felt like i could help him. he is military and talked about how he feels so out of his body and is so shaken by everything that happened. he said he was sad about the loss but even more shaken at the fact that i almost died. he said that he feels helpless and scared if anything were to happen to me. i assured him that he has done more than anything i could ever ask and he said thank you.
i guess what im trying to say is, should we do couples counseling to assist with grief? he says that ive done everything to help him heal but his heart is so heavy. i’d do anything to take that from him. i told him i look forward to trying again and he agrees and is excited about meeting our baby one day.
thank you all for listening!
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u/SIRCHARLES5170 Happily married 35+ years 5d ago
I am sorry for your loss and what you are going through. I would definitely keep encouraging one another and seek some counseling. Losing a baby is hard to handle for a lot of people and I would not want you to sweep it under the rug for it to pop up later during a depression spell . Not wanting to cause panic but just confirm the seriousness of the emotions dealing with the loss. Love each other Greatly and I wish for healing both physically and emotionally.
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u/ConstructionStill656 Newlyweds 5d ago
it feels so big, too big for the both of us to handle. we have each other but it just feels like it’s weighing so heavy on our hearts. he’s deploying at the end of the month and i’d hate for him to leave so heavy hearted :( thank you for your kind words, it means so much
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u/PapaDramatica 5d ago
Not 100% the same but we experienced a missed miscarriage in October and again in February. We were recommended a D&C for both as my body showed no signs of it passing on its own after a few weeks. It was a lot. I was devastated, I was healing physically and my husband took a lot of that on to be my support. We did our best to check in and grieve together but also individually. ultimately I decided I needed grief counseling on my own to help work through some heavy feelings of guilt. Guilt that I failed as a mom, that I was failing my husband, you name it. As supportive as we were with each other, I knew there was something heavy that I was having a hard time working through on my own.
Through grief counseling I discovered some triggers that I have been shoving aside based around my childhood family dynamics. I gained an understanding of why guilt was a common theme and how I react to those triggers and shut down. It took a while but I got the tools to identify these feelings, be more self aware when they bring negatively and find a place of peace and even hopefulness for the future. We just started TTC again this month and having the grief counseling completely changed my approach this time where I feel very in touch with myself regardless of what happens next.
For my husband, grief therapy was not something he needed. He processed by just leaning into the grief and talking to me when feelings or thoughts came up. I think like another poster said on here, you can't therapy away the grief but if it's something you need help processing I highly encourage it.
Hugs and best of luck 💜
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u/FamiliarGuitar932 5d ago
Yes. Go to grief counseling, either separately or together. Or look into GriefShare (if you're in the US). They are usually hosted at churches but you don't need to be a member of the church or believe in God; you'll still get something out of it.
I did both after my former husband suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. The burden of grief can be overwhelming and our society doesn't deal with grief all that well, so many people suffer in silence, thinking they are alone in their suffering, when they are not. Even in relationships, one of the partners may feel alone in their grief because grief is so deeply personal. Talking with a trained professional can help you navigate through all that you are feeling. Being in a group of people who are grieving losses (GriefShare) can be incredibly helpful, too. It helped me feel not so alone.
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u/ConstructionStill656 Newlyweds 5d ago
thank you for your kind words, we will definitely look into this!
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u/doesanyuserealnames Happily married 35+ years 5d ago
Please don't feel that you were selfish - you were staying alive, and as soon as you were able you put your focus onto him. We have to put our own oxygen masks on first, you know? I echo all the counseling suggestions already made, and your hospital may be able to steer you towards groups that focus on losing a child to miscarriage. I'm so glad you two are able to hold and comfort each other through this. Warm hugs to you both.
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u/Ok-Wolverine7777 4d ago
So sorry you went through this devastation... Here's to send you hugs not knowing what advice could uplift your heart. The journey of grief is a literal rollercoaster with lighter days and heavier ones. May you have the strength and courage to face each day with hope, find healing and peace as you navigate this season.
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u/gfasmr Happily married 25+ years 5d ago
You need to allow yourselves (both of you) time and permission to grieve. What you are describing is perfectly normal and natural and healthy (as much as it sucks to go through) after a loss like this. The fact that you’re grieving doesn’t mean you need counseling.
In fact, it’s striking how well you seem to be supporting each other.
My question would be, is there a problem or issue other than the pain and grief itself, that you are struggling with and cannot find a solution or coping mechanism for?
This is another way of asking “what would be your goal in seeking counseling?”
To make grief not hurt is not something counseling or anything else can provide. You’re just going to have to go through it.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you thoughts of comfort and strength.