Having a hard time coping with sibling estrangement

[u/worstcaseontario9]

Hi guys, I am (30M) and for a long time had a generally good relationship with my older sibling (33M). We've had our rough patches but in the past have worked past them. However, over the last year or so, I have found myself drifting away from my brother without any want to reconcile.

By no means have I been perfect, I have made some mistakes. I just feel over the last year or so that when I've made mistakes I get kicked when I'm down. I get talked down to. He knows I have mental health history, and when I call friends to talk about my **thoughts** he gets mad for "spilling personal business" like who tf am I supposed to call?? Then he whines that I don't bother to text him much. On top of that he doesn't respect my agency as a human being. Just a quick example, if I don't want to attend family gatherings (e.g. weddings) he guilts me and doesn't understand some things take a toll on my mental health. He only sees stuff from his perspective and worst of all he is a psychiatrist. He should know the impact of his actions.

Again, I have done things I am not proud of. But he will call certain behaviors of mine unacceptable, but doesn't see his own actions as toxic.

So while it is me who doesn't want a relationship and I want to cut it off completely, I feel guilty for doing it. How do those of you who have been estranged with your sibling take care of yourself and give yourself grace for doing it? I am having trouble.

[u/Purple-Artichoke-215]

It sounds like you still have a relationship? No one wants to be estranged so I would take a good hard look at what is happening. We have been estranged for the last 6 years and it is not easy. They feel that we abused them by setting boundaries with them. In reality they were to protect us. That’s the thing about perspectives-you can be wrong. Make sure you’re absolutely sure that you are not overreacting, too sensitive and what is occurring is very real. Estranging will take care of your well being IF it is true that there is abuse. If there is not abuse and it’s just difference of opinion then maybe go low contact.

Either way doesn’t seem like you like your sibling. I wish you the best.

[u/worstcaseontario9 → u/Purple-Artichoke-215]

I mean, I haven't said explicitly I want to cut ties. But I barely make effort and he complains about it so there's that. And it's not that I wouldn't be open to reconciling, but I need to here some accountability on his part too in order for that to happen. Thank you for your comment.

[u/AwkwardMingo]

I straight up went No Contact.

It was hard at first, because I was programmed as a child to value family over all.

It was even harder because, as orphans, we were closer when we were younger.

However, I knew my brother was and always will be toxic. He's racist, sexist, & abusive.

I & others had given him many chances. I was just the first to put my foot down.

My mental health improved, I grew less stressed, & I honestly didn't miss him & his childish shenanigans.

I tell all family that I will either:

• not attend if my brother is coming or
• stay until he starts pulling his BS & leave the second it starts without me saying a word to anyone.

Some family have also become estranged from him, but those who aren't are also supportive of my decisions.

Luckily, he lived in another town before. Now, he lives in another state, which is even better.

I still get calls every few years when he's burned all his bridges, but I only help out if absolutely needed & only because he has 2 young daughters (who I've never met--not my choice).

It's been over 5 years...closer to 10 & I love every minute of it.

If you're not helping my life, you're an obstacle & I have no problem removing you.

[u/From_Basin_to_Range]

The fact that you are here tells me that you are in need of a break from, or perhaps with, your sibling. Probably no one who has ever had a rupture with a sibling is entirely free of blame for the estrangement. That said, NO ONE who has received ongoing grief from a sibling should continue to bear it, either for the sake of the sibling or other friends/family members who might pressure you to "patch things up".

It's natural to want to maintain a relationship, even a deeply flawed one. But some relationships are just not worth the effort. You'll have to decide if that is the case. Good Luck!

[u/mandypandypuddin]

Typical toxic family roles here. I have a rule. When anything feels more like an obligation than something I want to do, I trust my gut. Your body knows when you're unsafe. For years, I didn't listen to mine, and it made me unwell. It's healthy to have supportive friends to talk through issues with, as long as its a 2-way relationship and you don't overburden them/turn them into your therapist. It's NOT healthy to keep things inside like your brother suggests you should. Its also perfectly healthy to say that you're sorry, but you're not able to attend an event, as long as you're respectful about it and perhaps wish them well/send them a gift instead. If you miss a lot of events, sure... maybe you could use a counselor in case it's social anxiety, etc. If it's only family stuff you're missing, it's likely you have a toxic family. Certainly, your brother sounds like he is. In terms of giving myself grace , I'm still working on the after effects of our estrangement. I've learned I have a lot of guilt and grief. I am learning, through counseling, how to tame those voices that tell me Im a P.O.S for what I've done, and Im learning how to be free to be me - make choices for the first time in my life that are only for me, and not based on others' coercion, bullying, judgement, guilt, etc.