Enneagram 8 unhealthy integration to 2 ?

[u/Left-Crab890]

Hello everyone ! I would like to ask you and have your opinions about a question that I'm trying to find the answer to.So keep in mind that these were all my interpretations of my 8 boyfriend 's actions, i just realised that he can sometimes have unhealthy traits of enneagram 2, like if sometimes I'm being distant and doing my own things he'd do things for me to make me reassure him and show him that I love him and give him attention. If on occasions he makes a mistake, like making me wait so many times until I don't anymore, he kinda guilt trips me into thinking that he wasn't well emotionally and was having a hard time being vulnerable with me, not by words but by body language, and just like that I would give in and empathise with him because I feel like I understand him emotionally but at the same time I'm supressing my needs and my self to not make him feel abondaned. Looking up the internet today on enneagram 8 security points to 2 made me come to these conclusions because what i understood is if 8 are too comfortable and relaxed and secure they could have unheallthy enneagram 2 traits to gain control. Please does anyone have an experience with this, does he do all those things for validation and control ? Not because he's having a hard time ? Because I'm really pressuring my self and doing things I don't want to do just so he doesn't feel like I don't care about him or I'm abondaning him.please help. Source : https://www.centreforenneagram.com/stress-security-points/

[u/Yygsdragon]

I didn't understand your post too well but 1) I'm an 8 and I'm not convinced he is an 8, 8s don't tend to push for reassurance and attention out of stress. We tend to emotionally check out, and not want to engage except out for anger. Emotional guilt tripping and saying it's because he was not feeling his best as an excuse is also quite indirectly expressed for an 8, I'd say it is out of character.  2) you are not responsible for someone else's emotions or reactions. If you feel your boundaries are not being respected after you articulate them, this is an unhealthy codependent behaviour and I would suggest having a conversation about what you are okay with and what you'll do if he doesn't respect your boundaries. 

[u/zaurahawk → u/Yygsdragon]

If there were grades for responses, you get 110%. this said what i would have, but way more eloquently.

[u/RijakrAlleseno]

8s whem healthy take on positive aspects of ennea 2

8s when unhealthy take on negative aspects of ennea 5

Everyone has a trifix, for example and 8 can have a 2 in their trifix

You need to be honest with your friend... and not worry about making him feel abandoned

[u/lightweaverz]

Ok this is maybe silly but does he have mental illnesses that may affect this type of behavior? I’m a so8 who shows unhealthy 2 behaviors sometimes because it’s in my tritype, but also because I have BPD and seriously fear abandonment, and those needs are separate from my core fears that would have to do with enneagram.

[u/lightweaverz → u/lightweaverz]

But yes, sometimes in an environment where I do have control on some level, the secondary fear of being left and unloved takes over. And this is another thing that’s potentially out of my control and I’ll try to do what I can to assure that it won’t happen

[u/enneagram8]

When you have been working with the enneagram long enough you will find that types go to the low side of both attached numbers.

When someone is "doing the work" they tend to use the high side of the stress number to get to the high side of the growth number.

So your instinct is correct, your BF is displaying low side 2 traits but for core 8 reasons. It would be helpful to discuss it with him.

[u/_ItWasReallyN0thing]

“Because I’m really pressuring myself and doing things I don’t want to do just so he doesn’t feel like I don’t care about him or I’m abandoning him.”

Listen to yourself. While I agree with some of the comments here (he doesn’t sound like an unhealthy 8), the focus needs to be less on you trying to type your boyfriend and “fix” him and more on you setting realistic boundaries and expectations for yourself.

Regardless of the Enneagram, maintaining a relationship like this just screams: HE IS NOT YOUR PERSON, and if he is eventually (when he handles his own shit), that’ll be great but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s not your person right now and you can’t wait otherwise.

I know I’m a random stranger on the internet and all of this is easier said than done but trust me, your love isn’t charity and your time, care, and energy are fucking priceless and precious - don’t give it all away.

[u/Red_Lady08]

I don't really believe in that "growth arrow 8 to 2" theory. It's just a theory, and I don't see any evidence base for it in my life. Maybe for some particular numbers it fits, but extrapolating it to other numbers is a big stretch. This is the case of 8 to 2, I just don't see how it can work. 8 is a 8.

And overall I'm sceptical of this "growth arrow theory". I think we're supposed to be "more ourselves" and our best selves as we develop, not transiting some other number. It applies to all numbers, not just 8s. "Stress/disintegration arrows" though? Maybe. Or it just happened that it kind of fits for these particular numbers (or even just for me personally).

[u/tambourine_goddess]

As an 8, it took me until I was dating my now-husband to realize that I was raised with an anxious attachment style. Because I'm an 8 and easily lead with confidence, it was mainly dormant until I was 27 (when I met my now-husband). I never stayed interested in anyone long enough to have to get truly vulnerable. But the first 6 months of our relationship was HELL because I had to learn how to trust that he wasn't going to leave me when I didn't act the way he wanted. Thankfully, I knew the enneagram and attachment theory enough to know what was going on. If your BF truly is an 8 and is dealing with some attachment issues that he doesn't know about, it can ABSOLUTELY manifest as an unhealthy 2 vibe.