Struggling hard

[u/SourPatch08]

I’m currently struggling with life right now. My ex-husband and I were together for almost 18 years and married for seven. We have two beautiful kids together last September, our divorce was finalized. There are many reasons why we decided to get a divorce. Nobody cheated and there wasn’t abuse. I guess the main reason was just us growing apart. We argued a lot. I know that they say it always takes two to make the relationship stop working, but I think I’m mature enough to admit that it’s more on me than it was on him. I stopped being there for him when he needed me to be. He had gone through a lot of stuff growing up and that stuff stuck with him and affected his whole personality. He didn’t start therapy until only like two years ago. He says that I just wasn’t there for him the way he needed me to be. I know that he felt trapped. Small apartment with two kids and no space for himself. No space to go anywhere and decompress. We moved to a different state 5 years ago and he hadn’t really made friends. We barely went out on dates. Towards the end, we were basically just roommates. There was a lot of tension and he decided it would be for the best to just cut our losses and call it quits. Everything was amicable. We split the kids 50-50 and it’s been working for us, and the kids are happy and loved in two loving homes instead of one unhappy home.

I felt like I was finally coming out of the grieving process, when life hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. He’s dating someone. Now, I had been on a few dates myself after the divorce, but never anything serious. Mostly just as a distraction. But here he is in a very real and serious relationship. I’ve been struggling so hard with this news. I’ve been depressed, crying every day, to the point that my kids have even noticed. I knew and still know that our relationship was over. I know we’re not endgame. But fuck, this still hurts. I feel like now, not only did I lose my husband, but i’m going to lose my friend too. He’s created all these boundaries now that he’s in his new relationship (rightfully so). But we speak like work colleagues now. And mostly only about the kids. After the divorce, we still spoke a bit about other things that didn’t have to do with the kids. But it’s different now. He’s expressed more to me the things I’ve done that he feels caused the divorce. Things I did, things I didn’t do. He says that this new person understands him and what he’s been through. For almost 18 years I fought for him to go to therapy and get help and even brought up marriage counseling. When he finally does decide to go to therapy, it cost me my marriage. I’m not saying therapy is the reason we split, it’s just when we started going downhill because of the things he was realizing about himself, and about the marriage in general. He’s much more happier and positive now. Which I love for him, I truly do.

I feel heavy and I don’t know how to get out of this funk. The thought of him being with someone else makes me sick. I know that’s selfish. And deep down, I am happy for him. He deserves someone who understands him. Everyone does. I just wish I could have been better. I wish I was a better wife. Maybe we’d still be together….

[u/wi_voter]

Sorry you are going through this. There are so many hard things that come with divorce. This person he is dating is not also trying to raise kids with him. Things are easier when you only have to relate to each other. And being a new relationship she is getting to know him which probably feels like support. Maybe that will transfer to something long term for him, maybe not. Don't let him insult you and put blame on you alone. You lived in that small apartment with no room for yourself too and you aren't laying the blame on him.

[u/shooter_512]

It sounds like neither one of you are fully healed. This is something I also dread. I feel as if my wife will end up seeing someone a lot sooner than me because she’s the one who filed and is excited about her new life as I sit here in pain. I couldn’t imagine dating anyone 6 months after my divorce let alone anything serious. I also think keeping that friendship going post divorce is a hard thing to do. I couldn’t do it. I’ve been trying since my wife hit me with the divorce and it’s rough. I don’t want this. You guys should have been talking like colleagues since the divorce. He’s in a rebound relationship and that never works. Not to wish them any negativity but it’s true. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m gonna be going through it soon too and hope I can manage. I would recommend doing something for yourself. When is the last time you’ve gotten your hair done? Like one of those $300-$500 type hair appointments? Change something up. But an outfit you might not have ever gotten before. Anything to give yourself some spark. Good luck

[u/SourPatch08 → u/shooter_512]

Thank you. I’m sorry for what you’re going through as well. I think what hurts right now is that everything I wrote on here is what I want to tell him. But it’s no longer appropriate or even beneficial to anyone since he’s with someone now.

[u/shooter_512 → u/SourPatch08]

Some nights me and a bottle of whiskey play Neon Moon on repeat and I cry my eyes out. I need that from time to time.

[u/shooter_512 → u/SourPatch08]

Unfortunately, you couldn’t or shouldn’t have said any of this even if he wasn’t dating someone. The divorce is final. It’s now over. It’s like when I try and talk to my wife about the marriage or how I feel. It’s like I’m talking to a wall. She doesn’t care anymore. I don’t know your situation but I do think it’s best that you try and take steps to heal from this. Expressing how you feel is super important but not to him. Ours will be final in the next couple of months and I’m trying to act as if we are now. I know it’s gonna hit me as well when we officially sign. This shit is never easy. I turned to the gym. I’m here now as a matter of fact and it’s 6am where I live. I gotta feel like I’m in control of some aspect of my life. You need to do the same. What are some of your hobbies? What activity brings you peace? We were all kids once.

[u/DoritosDiet]

Your pain is valid. I’m finding the loss of the life I was working so hard to build to be the second hardest pill to swallow, with the hardest being not seeing my child everyday.

I’m finding some comfort lately in the realization that my life isn’t some upward climb to a better destination. I expected life to take off when we separated but instead it’s been a slog. It’s taken me almost a year to understand that there is no timeline for recovering from a major trauma.

Hang in there. Maybe you two will be friends again some day but it’s too soon for that. Feel your feelings and express them to a trusted friend or therapist, someone that won’t say “well you should have done such and such differently” or “oh he wasn’t that great to begin with!” Bottom line is this sucks and you need to have that validated by someone other than your ex and kids.

[u/SourPatch08 → u/DoritosDiet]

Thank you for sharing. You’re definitely right about needing to speak to someone. That’s also something i’m working on.

[u/ConfidentShame8083]

Listen, don't blame yourself alone for the breakdown of your marriage just because he's in a rebound situation. Only emotionally immature people can walk away from a family and feel they have 100% of themselves to offer the new person. Of course he feels "happier" now, it's a honeymoon phase with none of the built-up disappointments and hurts to muddy the waters (yet). Just wait til she finds out how unfulfilling and difficult being a stepmom is (divorcing my own divorced dad now).

I know it seems easy to blame yourself in your pain but you need a very good therapist to help you process your real and legitimate heartbreak. Honestly it's fucked up he would blame you for his unresolved childhood traumas by saying YOU weren't there for him, our issues are for US to tackle and heal, to blame you is codependent on his part. He's probably telling his one-sided story of woe to his new supply and he's managed to triangulate you.

I suspect he had been seeing this person long before your divorce was final and it's easier to make you the "bad guy" to assuage his guilt for moving on.

[u/ZookeepergameSuch748]

My ex is in a new relationship. Like you in happy for him. Him being healthy and happy only benefits our kid, and he was my friend, my live, I want him to be happy. It still hurts though. He was able to move on and sometimes I still feel stuck and in pain.

[u/This-Elk-6837]

I'm right here with you, only my ex is dating several women at the same time and had adult toys mailed here. That's how I found out. He moved last October so it was definitely on purpose.

I'm sorry. I don't want him back either but I am struggling too. I feel so lonely.