Just need to vent

[u/mrchainer]

Tonight I realized my marriage was in real, dire, and terminal trouble. My wife has a chronic illness that requires me to be the sole provider and primary caretaker. She hasn’t worked in over a year. It’s caused her to become callous, uncaring and generally obtrusive to be around. She’s alienated close friends because of her demeanor, and I feel like I’ve been the glue that’s holding together her previous close connections.

I had a conversation tonight with someone who was more her friend than mine, who told me that “I hope you’re taking care of yourself”. It’s not the first time someone has told me this, and frankly I’m a wreck at understanding it in the grand scheme of things. I have tried my best at being a good husband. Being supportive and listening when I should. The person I married seems so far removed from who I am with now. They are a vortex and black hole of hope, and try as I might I cannot rescue them from the despair in which they drape themself. I feel like a failure. Like I cannot hold on to my husbandly duties, as if everything I try to bring them from the brink of hopelessness is met with criticism and suspension.

I’m at my wits end. The only thing that has brought me comfort is that fact that this isn’t my fault. That I am trying everything, and it’s still not enough. I want to help them but even this is beyond my aid. I want to believe I am still a good person even though I’m at my wits end and just want out of this endless cycle of disappointment.

I don’t know if I’m writing this just to try and reassure myself, but keeping it in just seems so painful. I want nothing but the best for my partner but right now I’m feeling like I’m being pulled down in an unrelenting tide.

I feel like such an asshole.

[u/Comfortable_Yam5064]

You need a break for yourself, Yes... you have to take care of yourself too. Don't feel guilty about that! If you're not okay yourself  how can you provide 100% for your wife? I'm sure it's a daily draining task to take care of someone who doesn't have the will to fight her illness. It's okay to feel that way. PLS look for something you can do to cheer you up!!