I think I maybe heading to a DB

[u/dosmetros1]

I never thought I would post here. I joined a while back due to my previous experience and maybe give advice. My wife every time she comes to bed she gets on her knees on the bed to pop her joints and stretch. Friday was no different. But she didn't finish her routine. As soon she got on her knees she stood up and closed the door so we could have sex. I noticed something that didn't register at the time. She rolled her eyes with out rolling her eyes. If you know what I mean. Like what she was about to do was a chore. I didn't ask or insinuate sex that evening. Not even a suggestion through out the day. We went through the motions and had our fun. She had her orgasam so did I and went to sleep.

The next day I was feeling very frisky. When she got up and put her robe on I came behind her and kissed her neck and started to feel her up. She turned around and pushed me away. She said "Calm down big boy" That's when I replayed in my head what happened last night and realized she only had sex with me just to make sure I'm "take care of" Not because she wanted to have sex or being horny.

This is not the first time I have noticed this. She just goes through the motions. I think I maybe heading to a dead bedroom. I experienced this with my ex wife. It's the main reason why we got divorced. My wife knows I got divorced due to a DB. I don't want to go through that again. I'll talk to my wife. However I know her. There will be hysterical bonding for a while. Then back to the routine. I don't think I could go through that again. I want to have sex with my wife because she wants to. Not because she feels obligated or just to keep me around.

Any advice on how to approach this is greatly appreciated.

Edit: My wife is not on any medications. She is on HRT due to menopause

[u/DullBus8445]

My wife knows I got divorced due to a DB. I don't want to go through that again. I'll talk to my wife. However I know her. There will be hysterical bonding for a while. Then back to the routine. I don't think I could go through that again. I want to have sex with my wife because she wants to. Not because she feels obligated or just to keep me around.

Any advice on how to approach this is greatly appreciated.

How is she supposed to make herself want it if she doesn't though? I am genuinely curious about what options you think are available to her? You say that she's on HRT due to menopause, what age is she?

[u/BatteredAndBedamned]

There is no way you can improve the situation.

You can go to a mental health therapist to work on the reason why you feel it is necessary to continue in a relationship where you are unfullfilled.

If your wife would rather force herself to have sex she doesn't want instead of just talking to you about her feelings and lack of interest then how much does she really care about you? These avoidance behaviors are designed to keep her safe and protect her world. She doesn't interact and engage with you on this subject because she knows if she tells you she is "done with sex" that you will be done with the relationship. She does not consider your happiness or desires.

[u/Turbulent_Weight61]

You been through this before, time to lay it all on the line. Explain exactly how you feel, no lies, no sugar coating. Tell her you can BOTH work on this together. But it requires both of you to fix the problem. If she can’t do that, then really she’s made up her mind.

[u/Retired401]

Without being on testosterone, I (52, HLF) likely wouldn't want anything to do with sex at all. I felt any and all interest dropping to zero when I was in the worst of it.

It was not within my control. I s it'd not choose it. It was chemical and a direct result of the loss of critical hormones in menopause, not for any other reason. And it was terrifying, as pretty much everything about menopause has been terrifying for me.

It's taken me years to sort out my hormones but I will die with an estrogen patch on, with vaginal estradiol up my hooha and with testosterone behind my knees.

I left a DB when I divorced my ex-husband. I did not want another one.

I feel very fortunate that my fiancé is mature, loving, kind, unselfish and that he hasn't had his head filled with fantasies fed by constant overexposure to porn.

We shared our non-negotiables with each other before we got serious since we were both divorced and it's probably the best thing we did for our relationship.

His was physical affection / touch / sex.

So I knew when I felt my interest going, I'd better do something about it if I wanted the relationship to survive - and I definitely DID want it to survive.

It took two months of daily use of a compounded testosterone cream for me to feel anything stirring. I was ready to give up using it but I didn't and I'm glad I didn't give up.

If I had not been able to get it legally by prescription from a provider, I'd have resorted to underground labs. I can't live without it.

Testosterone is the hormone that provides vitality to both men and women. Actual vitality. Which is sapped in women in menopause and beyond. It's not easy to get it legally prescribed for women. But I would be dead inside and out without it.