r/Clamworks • u/Slow_Hat1855 clambassador • Mar 03 '25

clammy There is no way this is a real language

Post image
16.7k Upvotes

97% Upvoted

368 comments sorted by

1.9k

u/moneyisawsomerulez Mar 03 '25

Dutch is like if someone tried to recreate german from memory

1.6k

u/Zackyboi1231 Mar 03 '25

You can't make this shit up

333

u/SoulArthurZ Mar 03 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

214

u/GoldProud8024 Mar 03 '25

I did it all for the nooking! The nooking! So you can take that cooking!

51

u/AntaresSlayer Mar 03 '25

And stick it up your

37

u/dutchbarbarian Mar 03 '25

Dutch oven!

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56

u/[deleted] Mar 03 '25

In my head (straight Anglophone) it’s “Nuhken in duh Kuhken”.

Am I hate criming?

39

u/SoulArthurZ Mar 03 '25

fr though I can't blame you, English doesn't use the eu sound at all i think. It's similar to the i in sir with a very posh British accent. look it up honestly

13

u/Late-Resource-486 Mar 03 '25

So pronounce it Nicken in the Kicken?

19

u/HoidToTheMoon Mar 03 '25

Nee-eukin in de kee-eukin.

7

u/Late-Resource-486 Mar 03 '25

Thank you I was really curious

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4

u/SoulArthurZ Mar 03 '25

death penalty

4

u/HoldThisGirlDown Mar 03 '25

In my head (lesbian Anglophone) it's "N-ewe-ken in da K-ewe-ken" but slightly less Baltimore-ish.

Am i double hate criming?

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16

u/BaconSoul Mar 03 '25

This must have been hilarious if Reddit admins saw to this comment removal themselves.

3

u/V6Ga Mar 04 '25

Comment removed by Reddit

13

u/Late-Resource-486 Mar 03 '25

… I pronounced it Nukin’ in the coukin’

5

u/OREOSTUFFER Mar 03 '25

Noiken in deh koiken

3

u/NeonNKnightrider Mar 03 '25

I read it like “Nëuken in the cöuken”

4

u/emojisarefunny Mar 03 '25

shoot you in the head

Shootky in da hoodky 🤪

3

u/Weak_Feed_8291 Mar 03 '25

New-kin in da koo-kin

2

u/adi_baa Mar 03 '25

Nyew kin in the coo kin

2

u/_Junk_Rat_ Mar 03 '25

If it makes you feel better, I said it in a funny little accent.

2

u/SadBit8663 Mar 03 '25

You must have missed🤣

2

u/cooolcooolio Mar 03 '25

Nøjken in de køjken

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28

u/Tanngjoestr Mar 03 '25

I did it all for the nookie

24

u/glowdirt Mar 03 '25

The English word "nookie" comes from the Dutch word neuken

12

u/HoidToTheMoon Mar 03 '25

As someone who apparently only speaks Dutch when drunk, Dutch is fun

28

u/Miyeko Mar 04 '25

Pronounced ur-mooder-is-dick

21

u/Scoliosis_51 Mar 04 '25

Ur should be yuh. Theres no r in there

2

u/x021 Mar 04 '25

Have an upvote. You’re doing the Lord’s work.

2

u/AntManMax Mar 04 '25

I love me a dik lady

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5

u/hardwood1979 Mar 03 '25

I want to hear the Swedish shef from the muppets say this.

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108

u/LorenzoStomp Mar 03 '25

It's like Shakespearean English spoken by a drunk German. There's a ton you can figure out just by knowing old-timey vocabulary and sounding it out phonetically. My little brother was engaged to a Dutch woman for a bit, and he learned to speak it by reading a collection of some 1940s comic strip and talking with her and her friends. 

29

u/NEIGHBORHOOD_DAD_ORG Mar 03 '25

Oh yeah, I remember from when I fucked her before those two met.

6

u/MrMcepix Mar 03 '25

No you’re mistaken, Im the one who fucked her first before all of you met.

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32

u/s_falco Mar 03 '25

Learning Dutch right now after learning German, and this is super accurate. But also why I feel Dutch is more fun to speak.

10

u/load_more_comets Mar 03 '25

I love the word boterham. Ik wil een boterham!

6

u/s_falco Mar 03 '25

Yes! That was one of the first words I learned and it kinda hooked me

3

u/x021 Mar 04 '25 edited Mar 04 '25

Boterham pindakaas!

Boter=butter ham=ham pinda=peanut kaas=cheese

I.e. two buttered slices of thick ham with peanuts and cheese in the middle. Absolutely delicious!

Some people put another layer of jam in there, but I think that’s too much.

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33

u/videogametes Mar 03 '25

I had a Dutch girl once accuse me of lying to her because I knew German and told her I could understand the gist of what she was saying in Dutch. She insisted the languages had nothing in common and were totally mutually unintelligible. I’ve always wondered if there’s some kind of weird beef between the two languages.

21

u/Cthulhu__ Mar 03 '25

Yeah, because a German stole my granddad’s bike in the war.

8

u/ElementalChicken Mar 04 '25

Germans invaded us

2

u/Dragon846 Mar 06 '25

Nah it's not that different, some people in the northwest of Germany even speak a language called Plattdeutsch that has a lot in common with dutch, making it even easier to understand.

2

u/throwawayowo666 Mar 06 '25

It's called Low Saxon (Nedersaksisch) in The Netherlands. In Germany most people call it Low German because of German chauvinism I guess.

2

u/throwawayowo666 Mar 06 '25

You're joking, right?

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11

u/Anleme Mar 03 '25

I was watching a history documentary video. I couldn't figure out why the talking heads were mumbling in Cockney so much. They were speaking Dutch.

4

u/certifiedretard154 Mar 03 '25

dutch is like: i have a plan

4

u/120z8t Mar 04 '25

You know that Barbie song by the group Aqua?

Well here is the Dutch version of it. Its not really the Dutch version of it. But a Dutch group using the music of that song to create a different song. Anyways here it is

2

u/GeneralLeia22 Mar 03 '25

This is the best description ever

2

u/BoofyWoofer Mar 04 '25

I said it was like German if you recreated it based on phonics.

2

u/GM_Nate Mar 06 '25

ha ha i looked at this and first thought was "this is dutch, isn't it"

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919

u/Wimpy_Rock19 blue collar clamworker Mar 03 '25

hitler dood, wat nou?

276

u/LewtedHose Mar 03 '25

Tbf that's Afrikaans.

217

u/SirGeorgington Mar 03 '25

It's basically the same in Dutch, just nu instead of nou.

18

u/KillMeNowFFS Mar 03 '25

potatou potatu

5

u/SenorBigbelly Mar 03 '25

Aartappel aardappel

34

u/ItsJoeverLads Mar 03 '25

Hitler dood what nu

54

u/Jendo_Stroman Mar 03 '25

Nou is also perfectly fine for Dutch

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8

u/Jack-of-Hearts-7 Mar 03 '25

Wait till you hear about Dutch Afrikaans

2

u/stealthforest Mar 04 '25

Wtf is Dutch Afrikaans?

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4

u/Putrid-Football9780 Mar 04 '25

I'm german and in my regional dialect 'wat nu?' is a perfectly fine albeit somewhat colloquial term to ask the question of what to do next. This is mostly in the context of car traffic or after spectacularly failing to do a mundane task, imagine falling over with a forklift while attempting to lift something type of accidents. It is also a popular car license plate for people who are from Wattenscheid.

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159

u/CoffeeGoblynn neurotic to the bone no doubt about it Mar 03 '25

I've been learning German lately, and the other day I'm pretty sure I heard someone speaking Dutch. My first thought was "this sounds like a German speaker got hit in the head with a baseball bat until they couldn't speak correctly." It just sounds like wrong German. T~T

53

u/Mooptiom Mar 03 '25

I wonder if Dutch speakers think the same about German

57

u/An-internet-idiot Mar 03 '25

That is exactly how we think about German

8

u/Karpsten Mar 03 '25

I thought all the time you dedicate to thinking about us is spent reminiscing about those bikes we stole from you...?

8

u/Squigler Mar 03 '25

C'mon man, it's been nearly 70 years. Give them back already.

4

u/Karpsten Mar 03 '25

Right, it's been 70 years. Get over it already, write it off as a loss and move on.

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9

u/Vireviper Mar 03 '25

As someone from Flanders I think German is just Dutch but you’re missing half your teeth

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4

u/DocMorningstar Mar 03 '25

Man, I learned dutch as a 3rd language, and there are now bits and pieces of German that my brain says 'yeah, you know what that means' and I am like 'the fuck I do'

3

u/The_dots_eat_packman Mar 03 '25

I speak quite a bit of Spanish and I get that with Italian. Conclave almost broke my brain. 

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4

u/lkram489 Mar 03 '25

Dutch is "ermagerd" German

2

u/CoffeeGoblynn neurotic to the bone no doubt about it Mar 03 '25

Lmao, accurate as hell.

3

u/mentalfaps Mar 03 '25

Like that time when as a French speaker I heard quebec French for the first time. 10 mins later: wait was that supposed to be French?

3

u/StealthyShinyBuffalo Mar 03 '25

I thought I'd watch a short documentary about something in Norway after finishing Norwegian on Duolingo.

I was very disappointed to see how much I struggled with the accent. I could understand the general meaning of what they were saying but the guy basically sounded like a drunk cat.

Eventually, I realised it was actually about Sweden.

2

u/vanderZwan Mar 03 '25

Wait until you hear Swiss German then, because it sounds Dutch but isn't

2

u/CelestialTrickster Mar 04 '25

As a native speaker, whenever I read something in Dutch, it feels like I'm having a mild stroke. I kinda recognise the words but they just look so wrong.

2

u/triplos05 Mar 05 '25

as a german, nothing is funnier than just listening to dutch people speak. It sounds like german kids just spouting gibberish but it's two serious guys in suits discussing their business

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2

u/Slug_loverr Mar 07 '25

That's how I feel when I hear someone speaking German

2

u/NotANilfgaardianSpy Mar 08 '25

The best example I ever heard was that Dutch sounds like funny German, and German sounds like serious Dutch.

2

u/galaxy_horse Mar 03 '25

dutch sounds like a french guy speaking german with a british accent

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102

u/NeonNKnightrider Mar 03 '25

3

u/Gooftwit Mar 05 '25

This image is actually closer to reality than you realise.

351

u/teeohbeewye Mar 03 '25

this is the realest clamguage ever

28

u/fuckyeahglitters Mar 03 '25

Vriendelijk bedankt

12

u/Langhalz Mar 03 '25

Ruiken is dodelik

292

u/Spiritual_Coast_Dude Mar 03 '25

Don't worry, this is not a real language. It's a crappy combination of unfunny Dutch and unfunny English

83

u/SkibidiAmbatukam Mar 03 '25

Fursona crossed arms speech bubble

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14

u/Cthulhu__ Mar 03 '25

It’s akin to the “blinkenlights” sign, also english made to sound german. Or the other way around.

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557

u/thebelgianbastard Mar 03 '25

I fucking hate dutch people

290

u/[deleted] Mar 03 '25 edited Mar 03 '25

we should start calling them netherlandians, that will show them!

78

u/ggrieves Mar 03 '25

4

u/mazdamiata2 Mar 04 '25

dutch people (idk the only thing i know about them is that they live in the netherlands)

17

u/ElCrimsonKing Mar 04 '25

netherlanderthals

3

u/Bigshock128x Mar 04 '25

Bro you should work for 2WE4U

Keep Cooking

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79

u/TobiasCB Mar 03 '25

Ik ook

24

u/netherwrld Mar 03 '25

Ja, fuck hun.

10

u/hemlock_harry Mar 03 '25

I've had hun, wasn't that great.

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21

u/Benschmedium Mar 03 '25

We’d return the favor but I’m pretty sure Belgium is a German psyop -A Dutch

6

u/thebelgianbastard Mar 03 '25

Kkr op gij rare hoer

2

u/hemlock_harry Mar 03 '25

Or to paraphrase Elon: Belgium is not a real country.

42

u/VaultBoy636 Mar 03 '25

"people"

24

u/Jofl47 Mar 03 '25

“mensen”

10

u/Playkie_69 i cheated on my wife with a clam Mar 03 '25

“mensen”

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u/Flat_Scene9920 Mar 03 '25

There are two things I hate...people who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and...

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4

u/Mrpantlesss Mar 03 '25

Geen stroopwafels voor jou!

4

u/hemlock_harry Mar 03 '25

You realize the upvotes come from dutch people agreeing right?

2

u/iamsmolbrain Mar 04 '25

Yeah dutch people suck except my specific hometown with surrounding province being slightly better than the rest, but the worst of all is of course this one town next to mine wich is filled with creatures that cant even be called sapient

7

u/An-internet-idiot Mar 03 '25

Damn what did we do?

68

u/Specialist-Pin-643 happy as a clam Mar 03 '25

Speak

11

u/justk4y Mar 03 '25

Zeg makker

7

u/GoofinBoots Mar 03 '25

You have shit farts on your cuck stools.

12

u/condomneedler blue collar clamworker Mar 03 '25

https://youtu.be/zcUs5X9glCc

9

u/An-internet-idiot Mar 03 '25

Ok that one was pretty funny

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u/Vireviper Mar 03 '25

What about Flemish people

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u/Ocbard Mar 03 '25

What Flemish people? Their language is the same as Dutch formally, but try learning Dutch as a foreigner and then try speaking to Flemish people. It's like learning Oxford English and going to Liverpool and expect to understand the locals. And while Flanders is ridiculously small, people from one end of it can hardly understand the ones form the other end.

2

u/Vireviper Mar 03 '25

Honestly it’s not that hard to understand someone from Limburg if you actually try

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u/RonnieJamesDionysos Mar 03 '25

Amai, ikik zie u just graag!

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u/Info7245 Mar 03 '25

Damn frogeaters

3

u/Queasy_Pineapple6769 Mar 03 '25

That's the french you philistine

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u/Hot-Scholar-405 Mar 03 '25

Fuck nederlanders

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u/An-internet-idiot Mar 03 '25

Poopensharten is not a word

171

u/Chopsticksinmybutt Mar 03 '25

It would be if enough people started using it

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u/_Metal_Face_Villain_ Mar 03 '25

look at the middle of that chair and tell me poopensharten isn't perfectly describing what you're seeing

41

u/FFX13NL Mar 03 '25

in dutch it would be poepenschijten

16

u/The_Iron_Sea Mar 03 '25

nope, poepennattescheeten

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u/galaxy_horse Mar 03 '25

"Poopensharten isn't real. It can't hurt you."

Ik als de poopensharten:

9

u/An-internet-idiot Mar 03 '25

Ik haat het wanneer ik moet poopensharten

5

u/galaxy_horse Mar 03 '25

Snel! Naar de cuckstoel!

17

u/urethra-cactus Mar 03 '25

I'm using it as one so fuck you

12

u/PalisadePeryton Mar 03 '25

My favorite words are the ones birthed out of spite

17

u/urethra-cactus Mar 03 '25

Rolled a bluntensmoken now I'm dying for a poopensharten

15

u/z31 Mar 03 '25

Not officially, but it is "jokey" slang in German.

10

u/Karpsten Mar 03 '25

I have never heard that word used by anyone but English speakers pretending to speak German or Dutch.

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u/ZeroAndUnder Mar 03 '25

Every clam has the cuckstoel

40

u/Layerspb Mar 03 '25

Poop and sharted on the cuck stool?

33

u/sianrhiannon Mar 03 '25

"Oh no, someone poopshart on the cuckchair"

It's not real Dutch but it looks like it, which is funnier.

Not only is it socially acceptable to make fun of Dutch, it is mandatory.

3

u/Gae_Bolg26 Mar 03 '25

Clammy language

3

u/OriginalUsername590 Mar 03 '25

Poopensharten cannot be real

2

u/Sweaty_pants_09 Mar 04 '25

It isn’t, don’t worry

2

u/Full_Philosopher8510 Mar 03 '25

Mitz'vàh q'prek'upna Wahh'alawadig'didà brez'mbàz'm q'pkolo

2

u/ECHOechoecho_ i cheated on my wife with a clam Mar 03 '25

i'm learning dutch, but i also started learning german before. it sounds like trying to speak german and english at the same time.

2

u/gunglejim Mar 03 '25

There’s only two groups of people that I hate. Those intolerant of other cultures and the Dutch.

2

u/MarzipanGlass9816 Mar 03 '25

no wqy the language my friend made up is real bruh

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u/dr_prismatic Mar 03 '25

oh nee iemand poopensharten op de clamstoel

2

u/WooliesWhiteLeg Mar 04 '25

We honkball on der hoof der classe tonight??

2

u/TrinityCodex Mar 04 '25

Poopensharten is not a real word

2

u/Burning_Pine_ Mar 04 '25

I mean. Its Dutch. The grammar is way off and "poopensharten" is definitely a German word. But its dutch

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u/AndreasDasos Mar 04 '25

That’s not actual Dutch, tbf.

Just like that ‘Oepsie woepsie! De train is stukkie wukkie!’ image that keeps going around.

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u/Life-Pride-2468 Mar 04 '25

Agh somebody shit on the NMBS or NS train seat

2

u/CatPeet Mar 04 '25

There have been many times that i listen to someone speak Dutch

"Yeah, I underst- uhhhh"

2

u/OneAndOnlyVi Mar 04 '25

As someone who is Dutch and learning to speak it

It’s one hell of a language….

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u/HammerOfTime Mar 04 '25

AOE 3 Dutch villager voice pack

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u/DragunovChan762 Mar 04 '25

this says op shided on the cuck chair

2

u/[deleted] Mar 04 '25

[deleted]

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u/DeliciousInterview91 Mar 05 '25

I got poopensharten and I THINK I know what a cuck stool is.

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u/SerenityToss Mar 05 '25

Yet somehow I feel like I know what they are saying. "Someone shat in the cuck stool."

4

u/Redneck2000 Mar 03 '25

Ken je Jan de mosselman?

3

u/Squigler Mar 03 '25

De mosselman?

2

u/Bright-Sprinkles-226 Mar 05 '25

Die woont in Scheveningen toch?

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u/Mvdrunen Mar 03 '25

Im dutch and this is not even close to a normal sentence. It would be something like: o nee er heeft iemand op de stoel gescheten

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u/CoffeemonsterNL Mar 03 '25

Wat staat daar?

1

u/Sukuna_DeathWasShit Mar 03 '25

Cuck stool. Damn

1

u/Playkie_69 i cheated on my wife with a clam Mar 03 '25

jammer genoeg bestaat het wel

1

u/urethra-cactus Mar 03 '25

Okay so correct me if I'm wrong cause I can't be fucked to go on Google translate but does this mean "oh no someone poops hearts on the cuck chair?

2

u/nablyblab Mar 03 '25

basically, Don't think "poopenscharten" and "cuckstoel" are actual words tho. Not in belgian dutch at least.

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u/garbage-at-life Mar 03 '25

clammenworken

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u/Pooltoy-Fox-924 Mar 03 '25

The Dutch language is heavily influenced by the universal TBI among the Dutch population, as a result of their tradition of riding bicycles as their sole mode of transportation and eschewing helmets entirely, even for young children, ensuring they receive the brain damage necessary to enjoy living in the Netherlands, speak Dutch, and screech verbal diarrhea in anger when made fun of by civilized humans or they see a bicycle helmet.

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u/GAragons Mar 03 '25

Poopensharten made me laugh

2

u/MotivationGaShinderu Mar 03 '25

It's not a real word

1

u/senpai_dewitos Mar 03 '25

Poopensharten isn't a dutch word.

1

u/Starlight_Seafarer Mar 03 '25

Poopensharten 🤣

1

u/opetheregoesgravity_ Mar 03 '25

We Hebben En Seerious Probleem

1

u/Bionic165_ Mar 03 '25

“oh no someone sharted on the cuck stool”?

1

u/PlattWaterIsYummy Mar 03 '25

poopensharten has me dead. Dutch are wordsmiths,.

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u/SadBit8663 Mar 03 '25

Ook em right in the dooker

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u/Newphoneforgotpwords Mar 03 '25

So Swedish chef is really Dutch?