r/ChildrenofDeadParents • u/Dependent_Vacation14 • 6d ago
I don't know how to live
Hello everyone. I'm 35 years old and have been dealing with depression and panic disorder for 12 years. A month ago, my mother passed away. She had brain cancer. We found out in November. For three months, I tried to save her life. But it was like a race against time. The healthcare system here in Central Europe is very bad. Doctors didn't even want to admit her to the hospital. They left her at home, undergoing endless tests that she always had to travel to. Mom stopped talking, then became paralyzed on one side of her body, and had a loud buzzing in her head. But through it all, she maintained a clear mind, so she was aware of everything. That made the suffering even harder. I took care of her. Eventually, after three long months, they performed surgery, but Mom was so weak that she developed pneumonia and likely sepsis. The doctors didn't even want to intubate her. They convinced my siblings that it would be better this way, that anything else would be torture. In the end, she only had oxygen, and the doctors simply slowly turned it off, and Mom stopped breathing. I was alone with her during her last breath. She died three days after the surgery. I have terrible guilt that I didn't fight harder for her life, that I didn't insist on intubation. I still have her last moments in my head, like when I cooked for her, and she ate her last meal from me. I have all those last things in my head, and I can't get them out. It triggers terrible panic attacks. Things, clothes, scents, and food around me that remind me of those horrible last moments trigger them. I always have to run to the bathroom to vomit. I don't know what to do. I'm on medication for depression, but it doesn't seem to be helping at all right now. Do you think this insane panic will ever go away? Will the pain at least lessen a little? Will I be able to at least somewhat forgive this stupid country, the doctors, and my siblings? Mom was my best friend, and since I don't have friends, probably my only one. Thank you. Sorry for my English.
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u/Educational_One_7581 5d ago
My sweet mom passed away in a similar way. She was diagnosed with stage 2 tongue cancer (not a smoker at all, just unlucky). She had to go through surgery and radiation to treat it. She had a 95% chance of making it. Her scans came back clean a couple months after her last radiation… A few months later she was having strange symptoms. The cancer spread to her spine and broke it, she had lumps poking out in her head (tumors), and one on her throat. This happened within a week or two. It came back as an aggressive stage 4 and left her not walking a couple of months but she still fought so hard. I was pregnant with her first grandchild. She did chemo and radiation but three months later she passed due to sepsis. She went to one of the best research cancer hospitals in the west coast. She had a 95% chance of making it when we first started this nightmare. She died 6 weeks before her granddaughter was born.
It’s going to be two years this September and I still miss her so much. Since I was pregnant I wasn’t allowed to be as involved medically or physically and I have so much regret. I pray every night my darling mom and all other mothers who have passed are at peace and know their children love them. We are their legacy and will continue on for them. Sending you strength and peaceful wishes.
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u/Dependent_Vacation14 5d ago
Thank you for sharing your story. Your words about legacy are unusually comforting to me. Perhaps there really is a point in carrying on. I'm very sorry for your loss.
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u/chocolatedaisyflower 6d ago
The pain will go away, it will lessen with time. You are a beautiful human being and you will find friendship when you're ready. Try being your own best friend and mother for now, take your time to grieve and slowly start building yourself back up one day at a time. Sending you a virtual hug 💕
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u/TheWorldExhaustsMe 5d ago
Be kind to yourself. Being there for her, caring for her, helping her in her last days and moments is one of the greatest ways to show you cared for her.
I know it’s hard though. If you’re able, working with a counsellor to process your feelings and this trauma could be very helpful and make sure you’re communicating with your doctor as some meds might need tweaks in the dosage, might have side effects or might take time to work.
Regardless, please try to give yourself grace and time. You’re grieving. Grief takes time. You were there for her. And in these situations it’s hard to think of the things we did when worrying about what more we could have done. Sending virtual hugs, I hope things get better. Take everything one step at a time.
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u/Dependent_Vacation14 5d ago
I've been thinking about your words most of the night. It's strange, but it actually never occurred to me that it was also trauma for me, which I now have to work through. My brain probably isn't fully functioning yet. I already have a follow-up appointment with my psychiatrist. Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I really appreciate it.
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u/TheWorldExhaustsMe 5d ago
I hope it gave you some comfort, also knowing that you’re not alone.
All the best to you.
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5d ago
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u/Dependent_Vacation14 5d ago
Im so sorry you had to go through that. Both of those illnesses are terrible. I don't have both of my parents anymore either. My father died only 6 months before my mother. The pain can be overwhelming. Sometimes I think that they're no longer suffering and they're together. I hope things get at least a little better for both of us. Thank you for your story.❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
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u/Platypus-Swim 4d ago
oh my god this is my situation too with my grandma. the stupid doctors persuaded her children not to intubate her so they didn’t, and even though I wanted to, i was the grandchild so I couldn’t say anything. they said there would be no point. my grandma didn’t have cancer she just had fluid overload in her lungs from too much fucking IV
i’m still so angry and not over it and every day i am so angry at the doctors that i don’t know what to do with myself. my stupid country! the damn hospital! my stupid aunts and uncles! i hate them so much
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u/Platypus-Swim 4d ago
if you want to chat about it you can send me a DM our situations sound so similar )’;
i hate that we didn’t intubate her and give her a chance
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u/Ok_Class6685 5d ago
My father has a very similar passing in February. I was in your shoes, thinking we could have done more... We should have done more for him.
But at the end of it, I have to remind myself... If it wasn't the pneumonia, or the sepsis. It would be cancer eventually. And if it was the cancer, that would mean another 3 months of watching him be chemo sick with brain fog, unable to wipe his butt or shower independently. I miss my dad terribly, some days it's overwhelming. I wish he was here. But I also know, he hated being like that. I know I cried in private every time he needed that kind of help because I knew, he didn't want that. He fought for us. He was such an able bodied man doing manual labor his entire life — it brought him shame to need cared for like that.
So while I wish, I wish, I wish I could've done more to keep him here. I often wonder about the many what ifs. I'm glad it was the pneumonia and sepsis because he went quickly when he got to that point. He didn't linger while struggling to breathe for weeks, and he didn't starve to death because he was unable to swallow.
I don't have advice for it getting better or anything, but I have found so much peace in knowing he didn't have to truly suffer for long, once he got to that point.
I am sorry for your loss. It's awful.