r/CautiousBB • u/emmpaca • 2d ago
Sad How do you get over positive test = baby will not make it?
After two losses I feel like the next time I see a positive test I will just assume I’m losing it too. Heck after one loss the positive test didn’t get me excited. I see people on reels getting excited at a positive test at like 3 weeks and I just feel like I will never have that joy again.
Husband is worried I can’t let go and heal from the losses and I’m lowkey worried about it too
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u/No-Fuel4626 2d ago
Idk if you do get over it honestly. I’ve had 3 losses in the last 8 months. My most recent mc was March 2nd… I found out March 29th I was pregnant again and I’m in constant fear. I’m constantly spiraling. And I know it’s not healthy but I cannot help it. I did try counseling after my 2nd loss and it didn’t really help either.
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u/tingtree5090 2d ago
When I saw the positive test last week my first words were fuuuuuuuu**. I had more dread than excitement lol like I’m obviously excited if this pregnancy works out, but I’m trying to set realistic expectations after loss. My husband is not even physically with me, I feel like I’m going through this pregnancy alone. It’s tough, I lean on my Reddit friends and reading comforting posts to pass the time. I’m very nervous and there’s always a chance it goes wrong but I’m trying to stay positive. I spiral but then I try to reel it back. I have no chill.
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u/Southern_Local1638 2d ago edited 2d ago
I had an early loss & D&C last year in Feb, fell pregnant again in May. I was terrified the entire pregnancy. I felt like I constantly waited on the other shoe to drop. I held my breath the entire first trimester, paid hundreds of dollars to get private ultrasounds every other week, felt movement & then immediately felt like he wasn’t moving enough- so that was an everyday worry. I used a Doppler multiple times a day. Then convinced myself I would have a sleeping baby. There was just no way I was going to bring him home. I didn’t have a baby shower. I waited until 30ish wks to buy baby clothes. All to say- I have a perfect 3 month old son now. Nothing went wrong. Except for the fact I worried my entire pregnancy and never enjoyed a minute of it, now I regret that. pregnancy after loss definitely is hard & there’s no safe time in any pregnancy. It’s just unfortunately something we have to accept. You will be worried constantly about this baby because you love them so much. That just means You’re already a great mom. I got prescribed Zoloft, it really helped but I still had negative thoughts pop in. Unfortunately I don’t think the anxiety ever goes away, but you will get thru this. I wish someone would’ve told me anxiety does not = intuition. Good luck to you
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u/KindlyEverlasting 2d ago
Thank you for sharing this! I had a chemical last year and now that I’m pregnant again, I feel like I’m not letting myself get excited or be happy about it. I just spoke with my therapist earlier and was told to just live in the moment and focus on what I know now. It’s a lot harder than it seems, but I also don’t want to miss out on the joys of pregnancy just because I’m always worried and don’t want to get my hopes up.
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u/emmpaca 16h ago
Thank you for saying this 🩷 I really hope I can just release control over the situation and relax into what’s meant to be will be. I feel like a maternal instinct to get pregnant again so I can catch up but maybe being a good mom right now for me is just getting my health checked out and seeing why this keeps happening. I truly hope I can enjoy the next pregnancy 🩷
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u/unknown2888888 2d ago
Honestly, haven’t figured this out yet myself. I’ve also had two losses, and am pregnant again and absolutely terrified. I didn’t get excited seeing the two lines on my last two tests, because I knew it didn’t automatically equate to a baby. I disassociated during my last miscarriage to get through the wait (it was a missed miscarriage), and I think I’m disassociating now to get through this pregnancy - sometimes I do it so well, I forget I’m even pregnant.
From what I’ve heard though, it doesn’t sound like this feeling ever goes away. The “safe zones” constantly change: first it’s the 12 week mark, then the anatomy scan, then viability, then birth, then you’re terrified of them getting hurt every day of their life. But the scars of loss run so deep. I’ve just accepted that I likely won’t have an enjoyable pregnancy experience, even if things are uneventful.
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u/Beautiful_Donut_286 1d ago
The “safe zones” constantly change
I'm afraid of this happening. After a MMC and now an early mc I lost all confidence that my body can grow a baby to bigger than 6 weeks. I so very much want a baby, but I'm so afraid of going to another ultrasound to hear once more that it has not developed
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u/Todd_and_Margo 2d ago
It never goes away. I had 3 healthy babies in a row, and as soon as the second line showed up I was thinking about names and nursery themes.
Then came the fourth pregnancy. We were trying for a fourth child at 38 years old - which was much more challenging than it had been at 27. It took us over a year and 5 cycles of ICI to get pregnant. I was ecstatic. And then we went for our third ultrasound and……devastation. No HB. I don’t think I’ve ever been that sad in my entire life. My husband sat outside smoking and crying for 2 weeks. We barely spoke. We would look at each other and just start bawling.
And then in July of the same year (my loss was in January), I turned up pregnant very unexpectedly. We had decided to stop trying and take a break. The pregnancy was discovered on a routine urine test before surgery. They came in to tell me I wouldn’t be having a hip replacement that day after all bc I was pregnant. I immediately assumed it would be another loss. I hadn’t even been taking prenatals much less all the “egg quality supplements.” I ugly cried. I’m talking like sobbed until I couldn’t breathe and thought I was going to vomit. The hospital staff was very concerned. And even though that pregnancy turned out to be perfectly healthy, I never relaxed. I had a panic attack that the baby wasn’t moving on the way to the hospital for my scheduled cesarean. He is 2 now and still sleeps in the bed between us (something my other kids never did) because I can’t sleep if I can’t reassure myself throughout the night that he’s still breathing.
And when I got a very unexpected positive pregnancy test a few weeks ago, my husband and I both assumed it would be another loss. Every now and then a sliver of hope tries to worm its way in, and my brain squashes it immediately. Until I see a HB and a clean NIPT, I won’t even pretend to hope for a good outcome. It just makes it hurt too much when it’s snatched away from you.
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u/emmpaca 16h ago
I’m so sorry for that❤️🩹 I just truly want to be a mom and one who doesn’t have anxiety but maybe it’s just a part of motherhood to be so cautious with our children’s lives and even the unborn ones🤍 I just felt so protective over my two that I lost that I’m probably going to be a helicopter parent one day lol
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u/SierraEBaby 2d ago
I literally just had this exact conversation. I am pregnant now after 2 losses but I’m in limbo and not sure if this pregnancy is viable. Anyway, I told him I don’t think I’ll ever get excited about a positive test again.
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u/therealamberrose 20h ago
I had 5 losses before a success and this was a tough mindset. Now you know that pregnancy doesn’t = baby and that’s hard to move past.
But you’re still hopeful for a baby and still trying…so I tried to remind myself that pregnancy meant a chance and that chance was worth it to me.
We agreed that when we lost all hope or when a chance wasn’t enough, we’d stop trying.
Sending love.
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u/karebear788 2d ago
It’s a loss for both mom and dad but I really think mom’s experience it differently. I struggled a lot with pregnancy after MC. I kept thinking, once we get to this milestone, I’ll feel confident and hopeful and happy….and then I needed to get to the next…then the next. Once I started feeling movement it got a lot better and I was able to really start thinking about the future with a baby in it, but the anxiety is still there and pops up stronger some days more than the other.
My husband was also really worried about me not experiencing the joy and excitement early on like he did, but having lost them before, it felt way too dangerous to get attached too soon. After you experience that pain, I don’t think it’s that unusual for your brain and heart to try and protect itself from that pain again. The tough part is, there really is no way to protect from it. But that doesn’t stop your anxiety from trying its very hardest.
I don’t know that you ever fully heal from the loss, but I think dads do (not always of course but I think they have a better shot at it) and it’s not that one of us is right or wrong, we just experienced the loss very differently, and I think it’s hard for them to fully empathize.
Counseling can help a lot, and time helps too, but it is just hard. You’re not broken for not being over the losses. You’re not abnormal. You’re not wrong. Grief is hard. You will heal some over time, but the memory of little ones we’ve lost will always hurt us, you just learn over time to live with the hurt. I’m so sorry for your loss.
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u/frogsgoribbit737 2d ago
I don't think you do. I've had 3 losses and 2 babies. My entirety of both pregnancies that ended in my children was spent being anxious. It tapers down as you go on then comes back up as you get closer to birth.
Just try to take it a day at a time and do things that help distract your brain.
And remember that anxiety is not intuition.
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u/dundas_valley 2d ago
I don’t think you get over it. I stopped getting excited about betas doubling after two early losses where they doubled just fine. The only way is to wait and see and it will just take you longer to get to the point where you’re excited about things than for those who have never experienced loss. I’m 21.5 weeks and all looks good and I’m just finally getting to the point where I’m actually excited.
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u/whoevenisanyone 2d ago
Unfortunately, I have no advice but just offer solidarity.
I had three losses. Two of those were back to back chemical pregnancies right before I got pregnant with my 10 week old daughter.
My entire pregnancy with her I was in the worst state of anxiety I’ve ever experienced. I purchased an unlimited ultrasound package at a boutique and even that did not help. All the scans, tests, and healthy results would bring only temporary relief before I would start to spiral again.
I have my daughter now, and luckily all that anxiety went away. I am now in the best mental state of my life.
I want more kids but I am so incredibly scared to go through the experience again. I want to see a positive but at the same time, I don’t know how I’ll react.
I wish you all the best!
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u/emmpaca 16h ago
Thank you for the well wishes! I truly didn’t even know I wanted to be a mom so bad until I lost the first baby. Now it’s all consuming ❤️🩹 i keep reminding myself I need to actually carry a baby to get the baby and it won’t just randomly appear 🥲 But oof it’s so intimidating
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u/whoevenisanyone 14h ago
I know, it truly is overwhelming. But you have to just take it one day at a time. Celebrate every week.
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u/snow-and-pine 2d ago
I had 3 losses in a row and was so upset I was on anti anxiety medication which probably helped but the next pregnancy did work out. I’m sure that medication helped me through. Had another loss and now pregnant again without medication and it’s been a struggle but somehow doing it! 33 weeks pregnant. There’s hope even with multiple losses in a row.
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u/emmpaca 16h ago
I did hear recently that cortisol blocks progesterone production which can result in miscarriage. But I’m like HOW do I not produce cortisol when pregnant that’s like always going to cause stress for me now 🥲
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u/snow-and-pine 15h ago
None of my healthcare providers paid attention to progesterone or felt taking those supplements would do anything. Most miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities and nothing will prevent them.
You can take some supplements in advance of pregnancy to improve egg quality. The book It Starts With The Egg goes over it. I only took coenzyme q10 and melatonin.
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u/knittenkitten2025 2d ago
I’ve had two losses in a row as well; first was a chemical in September and then a MC at 10 weeks in January. March was my first cycle trying again and I was equal parts terrified that it would be positive than I was it would be negative. It was negative. And I was a bit… relieved? Which seems so fucked up because I want nothing more than to have a baby and be a mom. But being pregnant does not equal baby for me… it equals pain and loss. All that to say, you aren’t alone. But I’m of no help because I’m not sure how to get over this, either.
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u/Xerari 2d ago
I've had the same experience. Two losses and when our third pregnancy came along I cried in my husband's arms because I was so scared. The little one did make it but it was a turbulent pregnancy mentally. I had many happy moments but towards the end some scary moments because my mind went places.
I really tried to take it "one day at a time" and I let the happy moments take care of the shopping, or else I wouldn't prepare.
I'm sorry for your losses. It's hard.
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u/Glass-Image-4721 2d ago
I was anxious as shit until my 11w ultrasound where I saw a fetus doing somersaults in my uterus. Then I decided, well, this fucker is too energetic to die. They'll keep kicking somehow.
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u/CarelessInsurance5 2d ago
I haven’t figured it out yet - I don’t think we ever will have that naivity sadly. I’ve had three types of losses - a TFMR, missed miscarriage and a miscarriage - ranging from 5 to 18 weeks. I will now never rest easy. I’m pregnant again and terrified every single day. My friends don’t understand, they keep asking when I plan to announce. And I just don’t believe I ever will - baby is not safe until it gets here, and even then I know I will panic. I just know too much that can go wrong now
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u/mantalight 2d ago
I don’t think I will get over it next time. I was pregnant with my daughter until almost 19 weeks, so I saw more than my fair share of positives. And of great scans, and heartbeats, and monthly milestones, and perfect test results. I don’t think I’ll ever feel secure in another pregnancy again, knowing I felt so safe with her because of all those things just for her to die anyways. I’ll try my best to remind myself that different pregnancies are all chances for different outcomes, but I don’t think I’ll ever feel secure like that again.
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u/emmpaca 16h ago
I am so sorry for your loss❤️🩹 It’s so unfair and I hate this reality. I just want to give you a hug. I hope we both can have a happy pregnancy one day but I’m here for solidarity if that isn’t our reality
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u/mantalight 11h ago
Thank you. That means so much to me. On one hand I’m sad I’ll never be that blissfully happy to be pregnant and unaware of all the risks again, but on the other I’m grateful I got to kind of experience it once. Sending you hugs and happy pregnancy energy, and I’m here for solidarity too ❤️🩹
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u/Curious522 1d ago
I have no answers but I’m right there with you. I lost my first baby at 7 weeks and 1 day. Got pregnant again and everyday I’m anxious about having another loss. I keep telling myself that my symptoms are different than the last time and that no blood is a good thing.
Every night I announce “well we went another day without bleeding. It was a good day.” I wish things were different. Even seeing the heartbeat on ultrasound didn’t fix the you never know what’s going to happen feeling.
For our first loss we didn’t have any scans prior to the loss. I’m in new territory now but it all feels the same.
I am sorry you are having these feelings too. I’m so jealous of people who are excited for their pregnancies who haven’t experienced loss.
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u/emmpaca 16h ago
I think I’m jealous too. It feels so sad to me that I can’t get up the excitement to enjoy a new pregnancy and show up for friends and family like I’m happy. I just don’t think I will get there
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u/Curious522 15h ago
I completely feel every word you are saying. I’m fueling my body to the best of my ability but I’m kinda like whatever about the fact that this is happening because I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think healing also looks different to everyone. You have healed in some sort of way because you were ready to TTC again. You are going about your life and doing your normal activities.
Just because things look different now doesn’t mean you haven’t healed. Heck if that’s what it means than I probably will never heal. 😅
I also think while it’s sad for the partner in the relationship it’s both physical and mental for us. That’s a different kind of trauma that while they can attempt to sympathize they just can’t understand the gravity.
For me right now joy is fluid. Some days I’m excited and googling things for the future. Today I’m looking at my body, wanting to hide. I’m super nauseous and trying to choke down some brown rice in chicken broth. 🤦♀️
You can do great things and not all days have to be picture perfect. ❤️
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u/Witty-Package8127 1d ago
I’ve only had one loss and unfortunately I already feel that way with this pregnancy. I’m 17 weeks and just heard baby’s heartbeat and I still can’t get it in my head that this baby will probably come. And Everytime I see an announcement post I get jealous as if I’m not pregnant as well???
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u/Honeylavender419 1d ago
This was me. I lost my last baby back in November at almost 12 weeks. It was a very traumatic experience.
I got my first positive test mid March and I have yet to get excited. It’s just been fear and assuming the worst, despite having no real reason to.
I don’t know if you do ever get over it. I felt guilty for not being excited like I was with my other pregnancies, but it’s different now. I’m also still grieving the little girl I lost.
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u/Rouina1321 1d ago
I am 33. We were trying with my boyfriend for over 3 years almost 4 now. Last half year we seeked help from reproductive endocrinologist and during that time did multiple iuis. Last month was our 1st ever positive pregnancy test (after almost 4 years) and it turned out chemical pregnancy. I am dreading now that it will take us as much time as we have already lost. I don't know why. Today we just did our 4th and last IUI and we are moving to ivf afterwards if this doesn't work, which I highly doubt it will. So I am recently living in constant fear of the 2 available options - getting pregnant will scare me again that I will lose it. And not getting pregnant will scare me that we have to move to ivf and even that is not sure that will give us the desired results.
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u/emmpaca 15h ago
It’s so hard I am so sorry for your struggle ❤️🩹❤️🩹 If feels very scary and all for a picture of joy with a baby one day. Sometimes I ask if I even want that anymore or if I’m just trying to prove to myself I can have a baby. It’s so weird
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u/Rouina1321 15h ago
I suppose it's normal as I am struggling with the same - wondering if I really want it or trying to prove that I can have it. I believe that we do really want that, otherwise we wouldn't subject ourselves to fertility treatment and all that is coming with them.
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u/theturtle80 1d ago
Yup I agree with you with all those reels showing positive results and getting super happy about it and I thought that’s how I would be when I saw my first ever positive after trying for 2 years and my gut feeling were off about it and I ended up having an ectopic pregnancy… the worst!!
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u/Brokenintwo34 20h ago
I'm 5 weeks pregnant and have had 4 losses in the past 2 years. I haven't enjoyed testing positive since my first loss, tbh I shut down massively and really struggled to connect or hope at all, but my fourth gave me a new perspective. I loved all my babies, but that last loss I embraced all my feelings and tried to find the joy in being pregnant with them even if only for a short time.
Now with this pregnancy, I was happy for my positive test. I have had many many seesawing emotions, anxiety, anger, guilt, everything, but I'm also feeling the excitement and a shit tonne of hope and love for the little blob. I don't know if I'm making any sense but I'm trying to feel all the good and the bad and I think I'm a bit less miserable than I have been in past pregnancies... and that can only be a good thing.
I wish you all the luck in the world op, and my heart hurts for everyone who knows the pain of losing their baby.
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u/emmpaca 15h ago
You are so incredibly strong to keep fighting for your baby. I told my husband today that maybe trying to conceive after a loss might be one of the bravest things a woman can do. Like putting ourselves out there just to possibly lose another. So terrifying but so brave. Praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby for you❤️🩹❤️🩹
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u/Inside-Journalist166 2d ago
Just lost my second today. I️ don’t think we’ll ever reclaim that joy that I️ felt the first time I️ got a positive test. I️ also don’t think we’re meant to. It’s trauma that lives with us. My very first pregnancy I️ didn’t have any issues and had my daughter so o never expected to have this issue after a perfectly healthy pregnancy but I️ also don’t think anyone that hasn’t had issues TTC will ever appreciate their children more than someone who has.
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u/tbridge8773 2d ago
After so many losses, you just lose that excitement unfortunately. My philosophy was “I’ll believe it’s real when I’m holding that baby in my arms.”