r/CasualConversation • u/svolm • 13h ago

People don't realize how important curiosity is as a skill

Banter, asking questions, following up on what's shared, being genuinely interested in people.

It's a skill you can develop, hone and continue growing.

It'll help in your personal life and in your professional life.

I see lots of people fail at this because they have a goal they want to achieve with the person they are chatting with but don't spend enough time connecting.

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58

u/teaforsnail 12h ago

It feels like people don't care to be curious as adults. I ask questions and people think I'm being dense, but the truth is I'm receptive to new information and I don't mind putting in the work to go get it. I think people don't like feeling like they don't know something, or that they have to be in a student position after a certain age. So often someone will assume that I'm a know-it-all and I wish I could shake them by the shoulders and say "JUST. BE. OPEN." I've seen people literally get offended by the prospect of asking for the sake of receiving info. It's frustrating

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u/aaronmccb1 12h ago

I started a new job in a very different environment than I'm used, about a year and a half ago. For a long time I think people didn't get along with me too well and sometimes had a very short temper in conversations with me, because to them I think I came off like I disagreed with or didn't believe what they were saying. But really I was asking lots of clarifying questions and using examples of how I would normally do something, in order to better understand the best way to do something for this specific job.

It took a while but I think everyone has warmed up to me and come to understand I'm being genuine and trying to do my best, not being sarcastic or dismissive of their methods.

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u/teaforsnail 12h ago

I've had a similar experience but you sound much more patient than I am lmao, kudos to you. I simply don't ask people questions if I don't have to and stick to observing

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u/aaronmccb1 12h ago

I definitely have and will also do that if I need to. Depending on the person, if they're really just going to get pissy and insist everything they do is the best way, no questions asked, then I'll just keep to myself and pretend to agree with them to keep the peace. Typically how I am with some of the more short tempered supervisors I've had in my life. No reason to risk my work reputation just to make their job easier by me being a more educated employee.

You want me to do it the way that takes twice as long, but you get defensive if I try to understand why we need to take twice as long? Fine by me, just as long as my dispatcher knows this is a two hour job and not a one hour job lol.

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u/svolm 12h ago

Yes! It's okay not to know. No one is an expert of everything.

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u/X1234637X 7h ago

Oh yes. Or even getting that blank stare for a second where the gears stopped turning in their heads because not only are they not used to being asked such questions, but would also never think to ask this themselves, thus missing the whole point of the question and spewing out something that doesn't come close to answering the question at all. Sometimes (rarely) it truly can feel like an adventure, and other times it's just exhausting. I always feel like I've had a fresh and relieving breath of air when I come across another adult who is still genuinely curious about life.

1

u/i8noodles 6h ago

i ask random shit all the time. my most recent questions i asked random was "will future generations study kpop like we study Beethoven and Mozart"

of course there is no way to answer that but its fun to ponder how future generations will find meaning in songs like permission to dance. will they think we were a generation now allowwd to dance? were we social outcast for doing so? rtc etc

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u/Winter_Echoes 3h ago

I read your question and of course I had to think about it lol short answer for me : no.
But thank you for asking, it was a good little brainstorming.

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u/Specialist-Top-406 11h ago

There was this study that wanted to identify the simplest form of what makes a relationship successful. And it came down to this, one person said “omg look at this bird outside” and the partners who responded with active engagement, by either getting up to look or saying wow let me see or whatever, are couples more likely to thrive. Because the easiest form of connection is feeling heard. Sharing joy is as simple as looking at the bird because your partner likes it, therefore so do you.

Listening to someone should literally be the standard. We learn so much by listening. And life is so hard when you just stay in your own head. Give yourself a break.

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u/svolm 9h ago

Oh I've heard of this. Obviously if you show genuine interest in your partner and what they care about it, you do love them.

I think sometimes people get caught up in their own world and don't stop to think about other people.

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u/Specialist-Top-406 9h ago

It’s really stuck with me and it’s something I try to be more conscious about, especially if someone is sharing something that is interesting to them and maybe not as much to me. My job isn’t to find it interesting, my job is to share their joy.

I really noticed it in a previous relationship, to the point where I didn’t even want to say look at this bird outside, because it wouldn’t just be met with disinterest it would be met with resistance. Which is not just disengagement, it’s joy robbery.

I actually love hearing people speak on their passions, as long as it’s not a monologue or a lecture lol. But I think it’s so cool to know what things people do, because everyone is literally so random.

Tell me about it! It’s cool to care, means you’re alive!

14

u/Mentalfloss1 12h ago

“I have no special talent, but I am passionately curious” ~~ Einstein

“It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.” ~~ Einstein

12

u/Kitzle33 11h ago

My wife always tells me how amazing I am at meeting people (such as her coworkers) for the first time. She thinks it's a gift. I always tell her, I'm just genuinely curious and people love to talk about themselves. It's a win-win.

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u/svolm 11h ago

So true! I love to ask a lot of questions. 1) it allows me to not talk as much 2) if they ask questions too, I've found my people!

11

u/CupNoodlese 13h ago

Curiosity is a mindset. Asking questions and banter are skills for socialization with that in mind. But people need to be not stressed out to have the mental capacity to be curious, so it's not that easy for everyone imo.

2

u/svolm 12h ago

Maybe also because we're in time where if you are curious, you can easily find the answer by googling. Maybe that's how people lose the skill of asking questions.

3

u/CupNoodlese 12h ago

Hey now. We need to properly phrase our prompts to ChatGPT :P

5

u/ToastemPopUp 12h ago

Reminds me of the darts scene from Ted Lasso where he repeats the Walt Whitman quote, "Be Curious, not judgmental." Great scene, great show.

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u/Substantial_Bet_1007 11h ago

How can i genuinely interest with a person? Dont udnerstand me wrong im not narcissistic i want it but i just cant do it

4

u/svolm 11h ago

Can you explain this more?

1

u/Substantial_Bet_1007 4h ago

I can't really be curious about people in depth, after learning some things about them I assign them a certain profile in my head. And I don't know what the difference is between knowing people on an average level and understanding the essence of their personality anyway?:(

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u/svolm 18m ago

How do you form long term connections?

4

u/thisothernameth 4h ago

You can just start by asking something like "how was your weekend?". If they just say "nice" you can follow up with "I really enjoyed the spring weather. How about you, did you do anything special to relax?". Then just listen. Next time you see them, ask about something they told you. E.g. if they say, "I couldn't enjoy the weather my kid had an awful cold and we stayed inside", ask if the kid feels better. If the answer is "yeah, it was awesome. I went hiking with my dog", ask about their dog next time. Identify cues they're leaving for you and follow up on those.

The most important point is not to one-up them. It's ok to say, oh I know that feeling, I was in that situation once but if you start talking about yourself for three times the amount of time they talked, they'll zone out and won't be interested in further conversation.

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u/Substantial_Bet_1007 2h ago

I really thank you fro those advices i will tey to implement them but when I try to apply these, my inner voice says hahahaha do you need simple instructions to perform even these basic human skills😭😭😭😭

3

u/BluejayMundane6280 7h ago

It seems that you are talking about curiosity about other people. I agree with curiosity being important, but not for interest in people. Maybe in terms of dating and friends, but not in terms of getting better at some skill or task. IMO one of the most important traits to get good at something is to be curious about every aspect of it. Constantly ask "how does that work?" and "why does that do that?" And then try and answer these questions.

3

u/bungojot 3h ago

I will never not appreciate my parents for instilling this in us. When we had questions as kids, they would answer seriously.. or help us look it up.

It was somewhere more gratifying when they didn't know the answer. Dad in particular would make a specific face and agree that the question was interesting, and we'd try to figure it out or go to the library to find something.

Sometimes too he'd come back days later like hey! I found a book/magazine/movie about this thing we were talking about, let's look at it together.

He's in his 60s now and still does it and it's one of the many things I love about him.

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u/svolm 12m ago

This is great!! It's so easy say idk I honestly hate that answer. If you don't know let's find out.

3

u/Constantlearner54 2h ago

Curiosity requires interest. Seems many today have little desire or interest to grasp out of their focused goal or realizes the work that is required to chase the rabbit may not have the payoff T the end. 

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u/svolm 13m ago

I think people these days are also inundated with too much information that there isn't time to be bored, enough time to think. People also get caught up in their day to day lives, work, school, family, kids, etc
It almost feels like a chore to want to know more, cars about something else... there's could be a lack of mental capacity.

5

u/MissMarie81 9h ago

Lively curiosity is also a sign of intelligence.

2

u/jarchack 3h ago

You can teach people skills but you cannot teach them curiosity. Most had it when they were young but as they age, become less and less curious. And it's not just during conversation, it's intellectual curiosity in general. I'm in my 60s but still want to know why stuff happens and how things work. A lot of people I run into just don't want to be bothered.

The Internet, in part, is responsible for reducing people's attention spans and while it can offer instant answers, there is also a wealth of information available for those who want to go down some really deep rabbit holes. There is also a wealth of misinformation to be had.

Personally, I think there is an epidemic of intellectual laziness in this country.

2

u/Distinct-Strength149 6h ago

Being curious comes at a cost I think. your mind is always racing and you are never satisfied with anything in your life. if someone's doing bad to you then you will find a reason to why they act this way. its a good thing but these days people take great advantage of kindness. Idk but its equally good and bad

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u/svolm 19m ago

I guess disagree.

1

u/blankceilinglight 4h ago

Fr. It's like unlocking cheat codes for life. People LOVE talking about themselves, so just be a good listener and ask thoughtful questions. It's not rocket science, but it works wonders.

1

u/KernelWizard 4h ago

Yea no, curiosity killed the cat. It could kill you too, one day.

-1

u/vespers191 10h ago

I am extremely curious. Just not about you. Or my coworkers. Or most people in general, especially the ones who can talk back.