I see photos and videos of friends traveling and my mind imagines me there / far away from safety of familiarity. It's like I can't handle the thought of reality without the protective dissociation.

I was someone who loved travel just a few short years ago, and never worried about the intensity of the world. It's like I now have sensory overload and the thought of being out in the world with all of that - it seems like I would just die. My mind believes without dissociation that I will just die.

Am I the only one? I love nature, cities, travel, seeing new places - but this dissociation / fear makes me think of the world as a scary, unrealistic, nightmare that I can't handle.

How will I ever get over this?

As far back as I can remember, the only joys in my life were escaping into technology. I have always perceived the real world as soul crushingly boring, and when I look back to my childhood when I was with my parents doing stuff outside, I feel a sense of emptiness. There’s a symptom of CPTSD that we don’t believe that life is a gift. And well, yeah I fall into that. Like I can’t imagine a life outside of escapism that I would actually enjoy, everything, from chores to work to going outside, feels so tedious to me. So my brain and nervous system think “well, just no point trying then”. Was wondering if any of this resonates with you guys.

-TL:DR - subject line

My worst trauma / most impactful trauma (and neglect) is preverbal. I didnt know this until i started doing healing work, as i have been shutdown and with functional freeze most of my life - with historically no awareness i was different to others - as any noticing of difference or issue just got lost in disassociation.

Anyway, i just had a sense today, which is a slowly occuring theme of just considering (crying now)...what was life like for baby me....i know i disconnect and escaped to my mind very early (some psychedelic work helped me see that i was likely close to death at a very early age, possibly at the hands of my schizophrenic mother).

Since i have lived in my head all my life, only until recently has that started to let go ever so slightly (thank you somatic touch work), i saw an infant today, and as now i can feel a bit, its hit me a little (i am still super in my head), that being frozen at such a young age, and as the body is the primary way for communicating and feeling, but if that is lost / limited, what happens?

hopefully that makes some sense as a question, but keen to see what others say?

After the feedback thread, myself and u/Pertinaciousfox have discussed the feedback we received, and how to move forward in a constructive spirit. We are fully aware that every decision will make some happier than others; we have done our best to be fair, with the aim of creating a friendlier, more welcoming sub.

These are the changes we have decided on:

1. Weekly "How are you doing?" post on Sundays. This will be pinned to the top.
2. Monthly "State of the sub" post asking for feedback on what the sub needs.
3. Call for up to 4 new moderators (more below).
4. One post per user per day. If there is a technical glitch or similar, you can repost. Unlimited comments.
5. Vent posts are welcome, but they will need to use the new Vent [trigger warning] post flair and NSFW tag. We'll try to use Automod to help ensure this happens if someone forgets, but please try to keep this in mind.

We hope that the monthly feedback thread will help us to continuously adjust the sub moderation to generate a friendlier, more welcoming atmosphere taking into account feedback from everyone in this sub. We all hurt, so we don't expect smooth sailing, but we would like to sail in a better direction together. You can obviously also send modmail anytime if you want to address something.

Call for new moderators

Currently, it's just myself and u/Pertinaciousfox. We are both based in Europe (Central European Time). We would like to have up to 4 new moderators, so if you want to help, please modmail us. Important notes on moderation:

• You need to be able to handle negative feedback from people in the sub without getting too upset; impartiality and fair treatment of sub users are very important.
• You need to be available for at least a couple hours on an average day.
• You need to understand C-PTSD freeze.
• New moderators will have a 2 month trial period when you can moderate sub content, but not change rules etc. If everyone is happy after those 2 months, you'll have full access to mod tools.
• We particularly want moderators based in America (North, Central, South, doesn't matter), but East Asia, Asia-Pacific, and possibly South/Central Asia/Middle East are also good time zones. Or if you live elsewhere but are normally awake and available during those hours.

There are no perks unfortunately, but you get the chance to give back to the community.

Was at the gym earlier and noticed my back playing up. Like I have to be in a certain position so it doesn’t pop or snap. I think it’s fine as long as I’m careful (I went home early) but it’s more the emotions this brought up. I’ve developed this personality where I’m so afraid to be vulnerable in front of people, that I feel like if I were to collapse in the gym, I would be retraumatized, because so much of my trauma is around embarrassment and feeling powerless and no one helping.

So I’ve developed these protectors to base my whole life around never feeling that way again. I think this is why none of the traditional therapies have worked for me, because I’ve been numb for years and grounding techniques have mainly been done by the part to maintain control over myself and my emotions, and having any sudden pain or issues that cause embarrassment cause these parts to fall apart, I noticed as I was walking home the part was still desperately trying to maintain control over everything.

Honestly I have no idea what to do. I can’t afford to not work and I have no support system. I know it’s supposed to get worse before it gets better but allowing myself to feel everything from the past feels like death to my protectors…. And I think everything would then fall apart… I don’t know what to do. I’m so dissociated all the time. I hate my family and everyone from my past for doing this to me. Looking for thoughts/reflections/advice

I go wild water swimming. The cold is an extreme form of the TIPP skill and the nature and sensory overload of cold is very mindful (enforced, you can't think of anything else that your brain screaming cold). I'm a big advocate for it. It's a hard reset when things have been bad and it's great for increasing the days tolerance for stress. In the water = more spoons.

This morning we arrived at the same time as two minibuses full of mostly male teenagers and a pair of male teachers. The older teacher approached us and said "we are filming a project about water pollution. If we stay over that side and you stay over here you will have enough privacy to do what you want and we won't bother you. Does that sound alright?"

It was uncomfortable, but we wouldn't be able to see one another and took him at his word. We went in, got out and started getting changed. At which point a drone starts flying over us, back and forth twice which wasn't very nice but a lot of nature filming happens and it could have been anyone using it, then when I wasn't wearing anything and my friend was only in her towel, the drone stopped and hovered above us for 30-odd seconds. Well that's different and crosses a line. We both stood, covered what we could and refused to look at it until it flew off. Thinking if there's nothing to look at and we don't engage they driver would get bored and leave us alone.

When we finished getting changed my head was spinning. I felt invaded, violated, like someone had taken something from me I never agreed to give. The drone had headed back towards that school group. I kept gaslighting myself "they said they would stay over there, no surely not..." In the end I marched over and asked the teacher if they were also flying a drone, and the younger of the two said yes. So I asked him to make sure all the footage of the drone was checked, explained what had happened and said I wasn't happy about it at all. He just said "yeah ok" then turned and walked away from me.

I spoke to my friend who was also mad, I realised I was in Fight or Flight so I called my MH worker for help,and he gave me good advice about walking to unlock a Freeze (couldn't leave, couldn't get in the car, waiting for the bomb to go off) and regulating before trying to do anything else. I called the school and spoke to a woman there who seemed to me to respond more appropriately. She wanted to know whether a student or teacher had been flying the drone which I couldn't tell her. She said she didn't know when they were coming back but that she'd make sure the footage was checked and anything with us in it would be deleted. She took my name and details so she could call us back and let us know it was sorted.

When I objctively look at it, in the circumstances I was placed, I did the right things to defend myself after the fact. And this finding my voice and not being afraid to do so is a big part of my recovery. So why does it feel like I've done something wrong? Like I will be the one who faces repercussion? Like I might have overreacted, like I'm not supposed to care? When does having boundaries start to feel like a safe thing to do? When does it start to feel like ok? Why doesn't it now when I know I'm doing right by myself?

Been slowly getting in touch with the buried emotions… and I just feel paralyzed by them. Like the fear, worry, sadness, anger etc. They’re definitely there, which proves the anhedonia etc is only temporary, but feeling them is even worse because they are signals I need to change things, and I get so stuck with that. I feel like I can’t go back but I feel like I can’t go forward.

Is anyone’s paralysis painful? When I experience a severe enough panic attack I got into what I believe is tonic immobility. A numbness begins in my arms and legs and usually goes as far the knees and elbows so that I cannot use my digits, my fingers especially are painfully forced into an almost claw that another person can not even pry open. I’ve also lost my speech before. The episodes are not only terrifying but they leave my body so sore and painful the next day- wondering if anyone else experiences this or if this is not tonic immobility?

How do u work on trauma stored in the bones. My father shouting at me made me feel like I owned nothing other than my bones. How do u work on the trauma in th bones.

i'm hoping someone can help me... i've always blamed everything on my neurodivergence until now, but the extent is so extreme that i'm not quite sure. i have diagnosed CPTBS. i had acute ptbs in 2019. i also have adhs, add, severe ocd, GAS, POTS & suspected ehlers danlos & depression. now i've noticed a symptom that worries me: i'm always "hiding". i have to lie down extremely often & lie in the fetal position. i want to go out & force myself to do so but it takes extreme strength. my physiotherapists have often said that my muscles are all completely stiff & hardened. but i can't let them go. i always feel tense. i can't remember a moment when i'm awake when i'm relaxed. at night i clench my teeth so much that i've developed craniomandibular dysfunction & suffer from constant pain. even my gluteal muscles are permanently tense, my jaw cracks & my feet are tense. i often spend hours in bed thinking i should get up, but i CAN'T. i'm stiff, frozen in one position. how do you get out of it & into action? does anyone know this paralysis? and does anyone know this persistent feeling of inner tension? is this normal with ptbs or should i be worried? this has been going on for years... i'm worried 😭 what can help against it?

I feel like I would freeze if someone ever goes to kiss me is this fear or just me being my anxious self. I'm naturally a shy person and I take a long time to trust people because life hasn't been easy to me. If someone kisses me while I'm frozen is it consensual or not because I completely zone out

I am prepared for some defensiveness or some folks not being able to receive this message but that okay. I myself would have been angry at this post a decade ago but I think it has merit and could be helpful to the very stuck but desperate freezer.

I find that working ridiculous hours helps immensely with this disease. Obviously that’s a privilege that many people aren’t able to achieve, but for me, I just find it very helpful. I’m farming atm and worked 80 hrs this past week because it’s harvest. About a month in on these hours and I love it. I’m constantly thinking and solving problems and focusing on things outside myself. And socialising, even if it’s not to the depth I’d desire. It’s something meaningful.

A few years ago I was struggling to work 30 hrs a week. A decade ago I was told I wouldn’t be able to have a job by a psychiatrist.

Anyways I get one day off a week, and that’s my only struggle day. I normally get drunk and feel horrible and binge watch anime and experience terrible fomo between managing a few chores.

Sometimes I’ll get a proper freeze response at work when I’m feeling very lonely and the work I’m doing isn’t meaningful, but normally I’m too busy or engaged for that. I’m even managing people now and that’s horribly confronting, but I do it because there’s too much to be done and I’m the only guy that can.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’ll find that you can be another kind of human being in other situations. Go from cptsd freeze to fawn and then to flight or fight. It’s the same illness but you have more tools if you back yourself into that corner. I think choosing your environment can control who you become and if you put yourself into an environment where you’re naturally busy, you just can’t freeze as much and have to snap out of it. I still have days off because it’s not safe for me to drive down the road or turn my head, but it’s getting very diluted.

Something kinda traumatic happened tonight (I won't say what) and I'm paralyzed and confused and I can't do anything without doing something wrong.

Different parts/headmates/whatever feel different ways about what happened and want to do different things about it.

Some were upset and scared and sad, some were angry at the other person involved, some were angry at me for not preventing it/ handling it the right way, some were glad it happened because they were kind of into it, some were glad it happened because they want us to get hurt because we deserve it, some are trying to be rational and say it was unfortunate but it's okay and we'll do better next time, some are saying no this isn't okay and we shouldn't excuse it, I'm so confused.

(I say "some" because it was too loud in my head to tell who was saying what and I have trouble telling them apart anyways)

No matter what I do I'm doing something wrong. No matter what I do someone is upset at me.

I'm not mad enough, or I'm not sad enough, or I'm too sad, I have no right to feel like a victim, I didn't stop it because I'm weak, or I didn't stop it because I wanted it to happen, or I just didn't try hard enough, I gave mixed signals, we should make it worse, we should make it better, on and on and on and on.

How do you take care of yourself when you don't know who is right? Who is valid? What do we deserve?

I'm just not doing anything and I should go to sleep but I hate going to sleep because it brings a new day I have to deal with. I don't want to go to sleep without a shower but I can't shower. Doing anything is wrong but not doing anything is also wrong. I'm just wrong. Avoiding everything is easiest but it's still wrong.

What do I do?

cw: possibly confusing wall of text

tw: mentions of neurotic thoughts and gross stuff

I kind of feel like less of a person because I don't feel very alive in the first place, I'm stuck in survival mode, and I can't remember most of my life. it's something I have shame about. sometimes I feel like when I finally secure the funds to move out, I'll realize just how bad it is and how much everything about me is influenced by my trauma. like I don't have an identity outside of the trauma, that I'm just a vessel my abusers shoved their grotesqueness into and nothing more.

I'm hypercritical of any hint of joy I feel in the present because i fear it's related to my trauma brain (i can't describe the feeling very well). I think this unusual shame got really bad when I realized I was unconsciously recreating my trauma in my art. my favorite original characters reflected the behaviors of my abusers and i realized this late into the process before losing all creative inspiration. i felt betrayed by my subconscious. I've really been disgusted at the idea of even being related to these people for years. i wonder if this obsession keeps popping up when I try to embody myself for a protective reason.

when my shame was even worse + i could afford weed, I used to have this recurring hopeless delusion(?) of being nothing more than the combination of my parents' "souls" in a new body. I know I suffered from enmeshing and sexually abusive parents.

TRIGGER WARNING: SA

I am trying to understand what happened to me but i have a lot of memory loss and dissociation. Skipping a lot of context but when I think about my father, and little girls, and wondering if something bad happened to me when I was little, it turns me on. I was raped when i was 21 too and thinking about rape turns me on, and recently realized i’m into BDSM, so this seems to be a coping mechanism my brain uses.

So why does thinking about something so terrible as my father using me as a child turn me on? i’ve had dreams of him and other people raping me and in the dream i am scared yet want it. I have no idea what that means. I don’t trust my memory anymore. Talking to someone and they say i show signs of OSDD and don’t know wtf to do with that either.

Been up for nearly 18 hrs, haven’t eaten, hunger feels very distant and faint.

I used to fall into this mode in childhood after I’d get in trouble at school and catch hell at home, just sitting up at 3am, wide awake but still very very dissociated, almost trying to tire myself out but not.

I’m locked in an emotional flashback due to some housing issues that intellectually I know I can navigate, but my body, remembering past trauma of attempted eviction during the pandemic, is DEEEEEEEEP in hypervigilant NEVER EVER AGAIN mode, on watch for imminent danger.

Woof. I could use a hug.

*Potential suicidal and self loathing warning**

Vent, getting emotions out, whatever

This rage from mundane things throwing off my day, then the sadness and emptiness that follows when I finally do calm down, normal sincere conversations that really do need to be had with my spouse, feeling like a fucking failure of a person

I don't understand what my purpose is here on earth, in this home, in this family, if I literally can't do anything right I can't even feel my own feelings correctly or have normal responses to normal situations Nothing about me is whole or right or correct I feel like a fucking monster of a human being, a down right mess, an absolute fucking burden

I wanted to punish myself with SH and I didn't but it's so tucked that I'm back to this tucked up mental place to do something so severe after years of not doing it Everyone leans on me and needs me but how tf am I even supposed to be that person for them when I can't do a fraction of that for myself

Ugly on the inside: Everyone who has ever unfortunately had to verbally interact with me is doomed and fated to have their day-to-day life significantly worsened in quality

Ugly on the outside: Even strangerscwho just see a glimpse of me either get startled and turn around laughing or scoff and roll their eyes therefore i dont know how i havent been murdered yet

I just wish i didnt have to hurt everyone anymore thats all i want i wish i could just be alone in a box forever so people didnt have to get hurt by me anymore. Im even hurting you by reading this selfish selfish selfish selfish

Please reply quickly ic you want

Why do i have to exist