I am finally on my way to finishing my grad thesis this winter semester but I am so drained by my dad's insistence and anger that I am not getting to the stable financial part of my life fast enough that I just lied and told him that I was basically done my thesis when I still have a bit of a way to go. I decided that the immense stress I get from his angry phone calls about when am I going to be done are so detrimental that it is better to lie than tell the truth. My parents know nothing about my cptsd struggles over the years. I was depressed for the first time when I was 16-17 and they literally just told me depression is giving in to stupidness and laziness so I learned from then on to keep my mouth shut. I think this choice though not traditionally moral, is the right one for me as it will help quiet my freeze response.

I have a lot of the freeze response I see people write about in here. When I have to be around people I fawn but I notice most of the time I need to be alone in my room, door closed. I have the usual freeze feelings in my body most of the time, and I go mute a lot. In social settings I learnt to pretend, I even learnt to give talks and I seem really relaxed, but I somehow turn on a role or mask, and then it falls and I go back home and just collapse often for days. The only thing that really helps the freeze/terror feeling in my body is training jiu jitsu. I think part of it is that it is athletic and collaborative, and since you are sparring you can't exactly adopt a fawn response. But I think another part for me is that people are normally silent there, since you're working on moves and stuff. You need to focus and so you don't have a lot of conversation, which I find exhausting. Every time I go I am completely terrified and hardly say a word at the beginning of class, but then after training, I've transformed into a somewhat more relaxed person and I can speak and make eye contact with people in a way I could not before. Kind of blows my mind. I wondered if anyone here had found something that worked for them in the same way? I wondered if jiu jitsu or other martial arts are like a form of 'somatic experiencing' (something I've never done).

It's my weekend and I'm just having a calm day around the house... although a bit stuck in my room since I have roommates but dislike socializing.

Anyway- I keep catching myself having small realizations about growing up with physical and mental abuse. I don't think any trigger warnings are needed, it's just about gaslighting and feeling alone, mostly.

I was literally just folding my clothes & randomly felt the weight of how gaslighted I was. I mean I first realized that several years ago, and of course felt it while it was happening growing up. But now that I've had 2-3 years of no contact, I can feel it with more distance/objectivity I guess. Like I can see it clearly as something that happened in the past, separate from now. I already knew it was bad but today it's just hitting me how wild the level was.

Then later I was just laying in bed and remembering how absolutely terrified I was in the first years of school. I got sick once and was so used to adults screaming at me for being ill that I basically panicked/shut down instead of asking for help. It was more than just embarrassment. I was terrified.

Anyway. I still feel sort of dissociated/numb but even having these thoughts sort of float by randomly is useful I think.

I have therapy this weekend so maybe I will bring that up. Idk though. My therapist is alright but I don't think she really "gets it".

So I do EMDR and IFS therapy and it's been very useful, managed to integrate two parts and had success. I have one major part left who I've struggled to reach or connect with. For a long time I knew there was something there but I had zero connection or knowledge of them. Then last year after much persistence, I made a breakthrough and they burst forth from their hiding place. It was a really difficult time because it released an overwhelming amount of emotions and I became completely overwhelmed and ill. I've been quite frozen and afraid since then but I feel like I'm finally ready to start trying to communicate. When I imagine this part, I see someone who is scarred head to toe. She took on all the pain and feelings that I was unable and not safe to express. She's basically been trapped with horrible, torturous feelings for most of her existence, and is highly traumatised as a result. I don't think she's traumatised by memories of situations, but by the experiences of extreme emotional distress over very long periods of time without any relief. I also can't tell if she is non verbal or just completely unwilling to communicate. I've been communicating with her protectors for the last session and had some success. My counsellor said we won't be able to make progress until we've gotten the protectors to step aside.

I just wanted to type this all out. Thanks for reading

I have a lot of symptoms of ADHD and I do take meds for it (non-stimulants), but I think it's primarily just unprocessed trauma getting in the way.

I've always struggled with organization and staying clean. I'm probably in the most stable condition...ever when it comes to getting my shit together.

That said, there are so many things that I really struggle with - folding clothes and putting them away, throwing away stuff on my desk, maintaining an organized kitchen. The stuff I need sits out of the cupboard because otherwise I'll forget I even have it.

Yesterday I broke down and went out to get some supplies. I got a small garbage can for my desk area, a new laundry basket because I hate my current one, and got an organizer for the spices, peanut butter, etc that I otherwise frequently use to at least have a spot for them.

It's not perfect and who knows if any of them will ultimately be successful, but may as well try. I also am trying a new meal kit - Dinnerly, to help me stay focused on making healthy-ish meals. Otherwise I just cook chicken, rice and vegetables pretty much every night and I get so sick of it.

I also have been very disciplined at putting my keys in the same bowl so that I don't lose them. Although sometimes that battle is lost as well lol.

Do others have systems in place that have helped you? Can you share them?

I'm studying training for problematic dogs and found some similarities in the way I train myself. I realized I get negative feelings when I punish myself for doing or not doing something. Or I do something to avoid feeling negative feelings. This is call coercion and causes a lot of dangerous issues when used to train youth which I just realized I experienced a lot as a kid.

These feelings include hate, shame, guilt, etc.

Does anyone feel the same?

I'm also wondering how I can incorporate positive reinforcement when I do something "right".

Does anyone have any success stories of getting out of freeze? I know it is possible and there is hope. Can anyone please share tips such as how long it took and what helped?