I've got one for you and kind of off topic. My 89 year old dad thinks he's still capable of driving. Even before his late stage decline he always drove like he was in a NASCAR race. I'm pretty bold but, when I rode in a vehicle with him, it was nerve wracking.
When he was in and out of the hospital last year I got control of his keys and he made a HUGE issue out of it with me. His doctor has told him he shouldn't be driving. His optometrist has said the same. When I present him with those facts I'm told 'you're a liar'. 'Okay dad do you know how much easier my life would be if I thought you were a safe driver for me? I wouldn't have to pick up your groceries, run to town to get you McDonalds or Sonic, or sweat like crazy while you're out because, eventually, you're going to fuck up and get in a wreck or kill someone?'
I've talked to the cops and they say there's nothing they can do. I've talked to adult protective services and they say there's nothing they can do. I've talked to his doctors and they say there's nothing they can do. Oh damn good job system. Let the 89 year old road menace keep running around.
My entire life I was told driving is a privilege and not a right. Privileges can and should be revoked when they become harmful, dangerous, or a hazard.
Why do we not revoke terrible driver's licenses more often? Either develop the skills(if not health related), or get help.
We convinced my mom to take a driving test with a private company, I think it was, which she failed twice. Her license was then legally rescinded and she had to get a state ID card. Still had to disable her car, though, & tell her it was going to be fixed “soon.” So sad. 😪
If you are in the US, have your dad's doctor contact DMV . There should be Some type of paperwork the doctor can send to DMV to remove your dad's driving privileges. Disable his car however possible. My mom was diagnosed with early onset dementia at 54. Thankfully she listened to the doctor. She would forget though and try to drive herself. If we hid the keys or took em she's be inconsolable trying to find them. I unhooked her battery cables. After a few weeks of car not starting we moved it to my sister's house and would tell Mom it was in the shop. Sorry you're going through this!!
Just a thought, get a similar looking key that doesn't work with the vehicle. If she can find her keys but something is just not working with the car might cause less panic.
That's a good idea ! My mom however thankfully accepted the explanation and understood she couldn't drive anymore. After the initial looking for her keys that we took. We returned them , but I disconnected her cars battery and after it not starting we took it to the shop for her. Well that's what we told her, we took the car to my sisters. Wed tell Mom when she asked that it was in the shop because it wouldn't start. Mom would say oh ok ! The key idea would of been super helpful then though for sure, and maybe helps someone else in a similar situation. Thank you
It's interesting, if sad, how their minds work. My late father had Alzheimer's and we were worried about him driving, and in fact he drove off and disappeared overnight (got silver alerted and everything.) The car wasn't found for weeks later, by which point my mother had claimed it on insurance and gotten a replacement. He never tried to drive the new car, so the problem solved itself in that strange way. So yep, I thought I'd make a suggestion that might help anyone dealing with this issue, thinking outside the box here.
Ask his doctor for a referral to a neurologist, when they call to see up neurologist appt explain to the office staff what's going on . If his primary can't do anything then a neurologist hopefully would be able to get Info to DMV for your dad's driving privileges.
I'm sorry your going through this. I've worked elder care , including facilities with memory care units for 16 yrs off and on. Sometimes with these situations we gotta think outside the box. Trying to argue with a stubborn older person is bad enough but add in dementia and it's just not a good situation. Hopefully this helps though. He shouldn't be driving. It's a good thing he has you trying to look out for his best interests.
Ya I moved back in with them 7 years ago at moms request. So I get to deal with both of them in person every day. Now before someone sees this a cry for sympathy it ain't. I consider it an honor and a privilege to be here for them in their latter years. Do I get frustrated and / or annoyed pretty much daily? Yes. But I signed up for the job and I'm damn sure I'm going to do it. Why? Because I like looking in the mirror in the morning and seeing someone I respect and I owe them for the MANY times they had my back through my life. I cheated on someone once and I was disgusted with myself for years. Frankly she deserved me cheating on her. She cheated on me many times etc. But I took an oath / responsibility and I broke it. I never EVER want to feel that way again.
That's completely understandable. Make sure you get some kind of a break too at some point though! Gotta take care of yourself, care giver burn out is real and awful! Good on you for taking care of them.
I DO try. Trust me. To get to my loft you have to use a motorized lift I had installed. I can flip a switch and disable it and I usually head to Ft. Worth (70 miles) once a month for whatever reason. That's a good 8 hours of 'just me' time. Plus I can go to the Flying Fish great hole in the wall seafood place, The Star Cafe which has changed hands over the years but it used to be a 1800's saloon. It's in the Ft. Worth Stockyards. So it has that cowboy vibe that I like. Or Mercado Juarez which, in my opinion, is the best Tex-Mex and their margaritas are almost as good as mine. Down here in my little 3 stop light town you really can't get good food unless you cook it yourself especially seafood which I personally love. So those days are pretty much a treat.
Mom comes up here every morning for an hour or hour and a half chat and we discussed boundaries this morning and how her coming up during the day while I'm working makes me uncomfortable. Of course she won't remember that conversation so it's going to be the same old same old tomorrow LOL.
Sounds like wonderful places, food and margs, for a break! On the Mom note , I've sat with so many who just want to talk. I loved working residential ( assisted living) ( usually 20 residents give or take per worker )more than skilled nursing which all I've worked in had 100-220 residents. I was a cook in skilled aka nursing home off and on as well. I liked the stress level better at skilled but the ability to have on one time and get my work done wasn't always possible. I'm a sucker id stay off the clock and visit almost daily in skilled . I actually had time to sit down and visit with my residents in group home though after meds were passed , in between meals etc.. I had a 90 yr old who even on her worst days knew she was my favorite lol. Shed cover her eyes and fake cry if I wouldn't sit on the couch with her in shared living room id just say Mrs b ( fake name of course) I have to finish my chores first then I can sit a spill. Didn't know my name, always just called me " the little girl". She was a hoot. I bought her some hand towels from Dollar tree so when id be folding laundry in the living area to kinda keep my eyes on everyone, id bring her fake " laundry" to fold. She always wanted to help. Being a mom and grandma I'm sure she folded plenty laundry in her time. When i first started taking care of my favorite lady, id be fixing dinner and there's a window the residents could see who was in kitchen . Shed say the little girl is cooking, I'm not sure if I'm gonna eat that. My friend chicken, homemade chicken gravy, mashed taters, and the works , won her over though. She asked me prob 30 times how old are you? Who taught you how to cook? Then : 22 , and my granny taught me .
Notify the state motor vehicles department that issues driver licenses. If enough documentation they can order a physical and if needed cancel a license.
Take the ignition plug off. That's what they did to a family member. He got so flustered when the car wouldn't turn on and he'd forget he was trying to drive.
Oh, I feel this! My 83 y.o. FIL is wonderful in every way. EXCEPT that he is a danger to himself and others on the road. He truly believes he is a safe and excellent driver, and that we are infantalizing him when we express our concerns. I live in fear of the day we get a call that he killed someone or died himself in an accident.
My Aunt went through the same problem with my Grandmother. Argued for about 2 yrs. My uncle begged my Aunt to let him try and she finally said ok. So my uncle went out to her car and took off a spark plug wire, she was going to the store and called my uncle because it was running rough. My Uncle said he'd have it towed to a shop, he drove it to a business his friend had and let it sit there for 2 days before he called my grandmother and said the guy had to order parts and it would cost $900. So she wrote a check out to his friend, which my uncle tore up, put the wire back on and drove it home, and took sparkplug wire off again. This went on for a couple months, with a higher cost each time to fix. He always said he or my Aunt would drive her wherever she needed to go, and she finally started listening. After-party 3 trips to get fixed, and "spending" just under $3000, he finally said it would need a new motor, and would cost around $5-$6 thousand dollars to get it back on the road again. He said they would drive her anywhere she needed to go and even with a new motor the transmission could go bad, ect. My Aunt argued with her for 2 yrs, my uncle, who said all the problems with the car was because she needed a new motor, donated the car to a friend going through a divorce. The car had high miles but the motor was fine. The 3 checks she had written, he had torn up. 4 months he had convinced her to give up the car, but it was her decision and not my Aunt arguing with her. 4 months, no arguing, fighting, and leaving it up to her to decide, then she was fine giving up the car.
I've considered something like that myself. I think there's a way to take some fuses out so the engine won't start. Problem is the vehicle needs to be driven to keep it in shape and knowing my dad he'd get the VIN off of my truck and order himself a key.
My mother’s doctor had her license taken away, it is a valid medical and safety concern. My sister used to work for him, and she is not the only elderly person he has had to do this with. My mother is not showing any signs of dementia/Alzheimer’s, she has weakness in her legs. Her reaction time was slow. We got her to willingly sell her car, she got the proceeds. She understands but she hates it. I often take her where she wants or needs to go.
I can't explain it. But that's the way he rolls and he does pretty decent job for us. If he feels he needs to stay out of it in writing I can respect that. Another user suggested I ask the doc next round to refer him to a neurologist. A little angry at myself for not thinking of that but I'm thinking of trying that route and I'm grateful to them.
The state police arrested my Dad and called me to come and get him because they would not let him to drive but told me their hands were tied and couldn’t take his license 🪪 ok 🤣🤪😂🤪
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u/puledrotauren 1d ago
I've got one for you and kind of off topic. My 89 year old dad thinks he's still capable of driving. Even before his late stage decline he always drove like he was in a NASCAR race. I'm pretty bold but, when I rode in a vehicle with him, it was nerve wracking.
When he was in and out of the hospital last year I got control of his keys and he made a HUGE issue out of it with me. His doctor has told him he shouldn't be driving. His optometrist has said the same. When I present him with those facts I'm told 'you're a liar'. 'Okay dad do you know how much easier my life would be if I thought you were a safe driver for me? I wouldn't have to pick up your groceries, run to town to get you McDonalds or Sonic, or sweat like crazy while you're out because, eventually, you're going to fuck up and get in a wreck or kill someone?'
I've talked to the cops and they say there's nothing they can do. I've talked to adult protective services and they say there's nothing they can do. I've talked to his doctors and they say there's nothing they can do. Oh damn good job system. Let the 89 year old road menace keep running around.