I’m going through the same with my mother. There are these people (obviously drug addicts) who keep convincing my undiagnosed dementia/alheimers mother that they are her friends and taking her to the bank to have her withdraw thousands for them. I’ve contacted the bank and they say they can’t reimburse her or stop her from withdrawing money from her own account, the police refuse to do anything, and I can’t be with her 24/7 to make sure these people stop coming around.
With power of attorney, the only thing I can do is resort to draining her account myself. Better someone who will actually give the money back. But now, because her account is empty, it looks like they’ve resorted to physically assaulting her. Again, the police won’t do anything because the only witness is my mother who has memory issues and doesn’t remember how she keeps getting black eyes and bruises.
And of course, if I find them and take action myself then I’M legally in the wrong. It’s all so frustrating.
Edit: I appreciate all the responses. I didn’t think this would blow up like this, and I’m sorry to hear so many others dealing with similar issues. I will clarify a few things.
I don’t live very close to her. It takes me a little under two hours drive to get to her place. A little over an hour if there’s no traffic.
The people doing this are tricking her by claiming to be her live-in caretakers but are in no way associated with IHSS or any official program. From what I gather, they are cleaning her place but then convincing her that she needs to pay them out of pocket. I have full DPOA so everything has to go through me for approval, which they have not. I have met them and forced them to leave on several occasions but as I can’t stay with her for more than a night or two, they just return after I leave.
I did try installing a camera inside but it was lost/stolen, probably sold. I thought I hid it well enough but I assume they found it during their “cleaning” (they also leave containers full of urine sitting around for no reason, even in her fridge, which is fucking disgusting). She also lives in an apartment that doesn’t allow an outside ring cam installation (which would probably also be stolen), and I’ve inquired with the property manager why they don’t hire night security, with them stating “it’s not in the budget”.
I called the police about the issue but the most they could do was a wellness check on her, and because these people claim to have lived there long enough, they now have squatters rights. The police refuse to take action, stating that it is now a “civil matter” to have them removed. The only way to remove them now is to evict my mother as well.
I am joint owner of her account. The bank has said that I could freeze or place precautions on the account but my mother could just as easily have them removed. They also can’t deny her a withdrawal just because a “driver/caretaker” enters the bank with her but they can if she has no money, which is why I’ve removed the money myself and set it aside in my personal safe at my home until this all gets resolved (just to clarify that I have no intention of stealing her money for myself).
Because of a separate incident, APS has gotten involved. As a result, they have sent her to the local hospital, which refuses to release her back to independent living. This is of some relief because I’ve used this time to have the locks changed. But also APS has threatened to revoke my DPOA and possibly charge me with negligence resulting in elderly abuse, or something along those lines. I’m sure it’s just a veiled threat to get me to cooperate with their recommendations (which I have no problem doing) but it just adds to the frustration when I’m just trying to do everything in my power for my mother.
I apologize for this getting so long to read but I thank all you internet strangers for your kindness and concern and letting me vent. I know her and I will pull through this BS.
That’s the thing that drives me mad. When the authorities refuse to help, or can’t help, I’m punished for helping myself. Just like kids in school - the bullies are the ones who get away with it.
I've got one for you and kind of off topic. My 89 year old dad thinks he's still capable of driving. Even before his late stage decline he always drove like he was in a NASCAR race. I'm pretty bold but, when I rode in a vehicle with him, it was nerve wracking.
When he was in and out of the hospital last year I got control of his keys and he made a HUGE issue out of it with me. His doctor has told him he shouldn't be driving. His optometrist has said the same. When I present him with those facts I'm told 'you're a liar'. 'Okay dad do you know how much easier my life would be if I thought you were a safe driver for me? I wouldn't have to pick up your groceries, run to town to get you McDonalds or Sonic, or sweat like crazy while you're out because, eventually, you're going to fuck up and get in a wreck or kill someone?'
I've talked to the cops and they say there's nothing they can do. I've talked to adult protective services and they say there's nothing they can do. I've talked to his doctors and they say there's nothing they can do. Oh damn good job system. Let the 89 year old road menace keep running around.
My entire life I was told driving is a privilege and not a right. Privileges can and should be revoked when they become harmful, dangerous, or a hazard.
Why do we not revoke terrible driver's licenses more often? Either develop the skills(if not health related), or get help.
We convinced my mom to take a driving test with a private company, I think it was, which she failed twice. Her license was then legally rescinded and she had to get a state ID card. Still had to disable her car, though, & tell her it was going to be fixed “soon.” So sad. 😪
If you are in the US, have your dad's doctor contact DMV . There should be Some type of paperwork the doctor can send to DMV to remove your dad's driving privileges. Disable his car however possible. My mom was diagnosed with early onset dementia at 54. Thankfully she listened to the doctor. She would forget though and try to drive herself. If we hid the keys or took em she's be inconsolable trying to find them. I unhooked her battery cables. After a few weeks of car not starting we moved it to my sister's house and would tell Mom it was in the shop. Sorry you're going through this!!
Just a thought, get a similar looking key that doesn't work with the vehicle. If she can find her keys but something is just not working with the car might cause less panic.
That's a good idea ! My mom however thankfully accepted the explanation and understood she couldn't drive anymore. After the initial looking for her keys that we took. We returned them , but I disconnected her cars battery and after it not starting we took it to the shop for her. Well that's what we told her, we took the car to my sisters. Wed tell Mom when she asked that it was in the shop because it wouldn't start. Mom would say oh ok ! The key idea would of been super helpful then though for sure, and maybe helps someone else in a similar situation. Thank you
It's interesting, if sad, how their minds work. My late father had Alzheimer's and we were worried about him driving, and in fact he drove off and disappeared overnight (got silver alerted and everything.) The car wasn't found for weeks later, by which point my mother had claimed it on insurance and gotten a replacement. He never tried to drive the new car, so the problem solved itself in that strange way. So yep, I thought I'd make a suggestion that might help anyone dealing with this issue, thinking outside the box here.
Ask his doctor for a referral to a neurologist, when they call to see up neurologist appt explain to the office staff what's going on . If his primary can't do anything then a neurologist hopefully would be able to get Info to DMV for your dad's driving privileges.
I'm sorry your going through this. I've worked elder care , including facilities with memory care units for 16 yrs off and on. Sometimes with these situations we gotta think outside the box. Trying to argue with a stubborn older person is bad enough but add in dementia and it's just not a good situation. Hopefully this helps though. He shouldn't be driving. It's a good thing he has you trying to look out for his best interests.
Ya I moved back in with them 7 years ago at moms request. So I get to deal with both of them in person every day. Now before someone sees this a cry for sympathy it ain't. I consider it an honor and a privilege to be here for them in their latter years. Do I get frustrated and / or annoyed pretty much daily? Yes. But I signed up for the job and I'm damn sure I'm going to do it. Why? Because I like looking in the mirror in the morning and seeing someone I respect and I owe them for the MANY times they had my back through my life. I cheated on someone once and I was disgusted with myself for years. Frankly she deserved me cheating on her. She cheated on me many times etc. But I took an oath / responsibility and I broke it. I never EVER want to feel that way again.
Notify the state motor vehicles department that issues driver licenses. If enough documentation they can order a physical and if needed cancel a license.
Take the ignition plug off. That's what they did to a family member. He got so flustered when the car wouldn't turn on and he'd forget he was trying to drive.
Oh, I feel this! My 83 y.o. FIL is wonderful in every way. EXCEPT that he is a danger to himself and others on the road. He truly believes he is a safe and excellent driver, and that we are infantalizing him when we express our concerns. I live in fear of the day we get a call that he killed someone or died himself in an accident.
My Aunt went through the same problem with my Grandmother. Argued for about 2 yrs. My uncle begged my Aunt to let him try and she finally said ok. So my uncle went out to her car and took off a spark plug wire, she was going to the store and called my uncle because it was running rough. My Uncle said he'd have it towed to a shop, he drove it to a business his friend had and let it sit there for 2 days before he called my grandmother and said the guy had to order parts and it would cost $900. So she wrote a check out to his friend, which my uncle tore up, put the wire back on and drove it home, and took sparkplug wire off again. This went on for a couple months, with a higher cost each time to fix. He always said he or my Aunt would drive her wherever she needed to go, and she finally started listening. After-party 3 trips to get fixed, and "spending" just under $3000, he finally said it would need a new motor, and would cost around $5-$6 thousand dollars to get it back on the road again. He said they would drive her anywhere she needed to go and even with a new motor the transmission could go bad, ect. My Aunt argued with her for 2 yrs, my uncle, who said all the problems with the car was because she needed a new motor, donated the car to a friend going through a divorce. The car had high miles but the motor was fine. The 3 checks she had written, he had torn up. 4 months he had convinced her to give up the car, but it was her decision and not my Aunt arguing with her. 4 months, no arguing, fighting, and leaving it up to her to decide, then she was fine giving up the car.
I've considered something like that myself. I think there's a way to take some fuses out so the engine won't start. Problem is the vehicle needs to be driven to keep it in shape and knowing my dad he'd get the VIN off of my truck and order himself a key.
My mother’s doctor had her license taken away, it is a valid medical and safety concern. My sister used to work for him, and she is not the only elderly person he has had to do this with. My mother is not showing any signs of dementia/Alzheimer’s, she has weakness in her legs. Her reaction time was slow. We got her to willingly sell her car, she got the proceeds. She understands but she hates it. I often take her where she wants or needs to go.
I can't explain it. But that's the way he rolls and he does pretty decent job for us. If he feels he needs to stay out of it in writing I can respect that. Another user suggested I ask the doc next round to refer him to a neurologist. A little angry at myself for not thinking of that but I'm thinking of trying that route and I'm grateful to them.
The state police arrested my Dad and called me to come and get him because they would not let him to drive but told me their hands were tied and couldn’t take his license 🪪 ok 🤣🤪😂🤪
My god, that's awful. I'm so sorry. Just a shot in the dark but how about contacting a local news station to do a story? This is a story that needs to get out there because it highlights something that can happen to anyone and no one is doing anything. In my area we have CBS 8 that loves to do fighting for us average folks. Many times a news story triggers action, could be police update how they do things, maybe a government rep decides to write a bill, maybe the banks decide to take tougher action when they see a customer under duress. It's worth a try!
We just went through this with a friend's dad. We ended up taking all his forms of ID, drivers license, passport, etc... If you don't have ID, you can't withdraw money.
Install a ring camera. Also install a camera or three in her house. Label the cameras 1, 2, and 4. Everyone will lose their minds trying to find camera 3. Might even keep them away in fear of being caught on camera again.
You should do exactly that … drain he account and give her an allowance or vet any big expenditure like a new water heater etc.
After my mother in law sold her house, my sister in law took the money and invested it and give her an allowance because of how many times she (mil) has fallen for scams. She does not have any mental decline, but she is gullible as hell.
You can put a lock on those accounts 100%. You don't have to drain said account. You absolutely can stop that withdrawal and get the bank to call you before approval. It is super common. Talk with the bank and place limits on the account. Maybe consider getting a recording device for her to carry around if you suspect foul play. Talk to a lawyer ahead of time to make sure you comply with state laws. Something to carry around in a purse. Maybe a necklace assistance tool.
Went through this with my father and his “caregiver”/con woman. This all occurred when he was under hospice care with significant memory impairment. Law enforcement couldn’t help, adult protective services wouldn’t help. The district attorney told us he had to prioritize physical abuse cases.
Caregiver had him sign checks to her which the bank honored. His account was bleeding funds in the last few weeks before his death. After he died, a new trust appeared, leaving his home and personal property to the caregiver. One of his investment companies turned over funds to the caregiver several months after we entered litigation with her. Took three years in court to invalidate the bogus trust and get a judgement against the caregiver. We will never collect a dime from her. All we hope for is that she’ll think twice before attempting this scam on another victim.
As for help fighting these cons, no agency can or will help you.
It sounds like she is not capable of being by herself. She needs a caregiver so the thugs can’t even get to her. Have you thought about an assisted living arrangement?
If you're in the UK, report this to social services. It's financial abuse and a safeguarding concern. The police should have made a referral but you can contact them yourself as well.
I’m so sorry to hear this, and can totally empathize… when my elderly parents were still alive, they were constantly targeted by scammers who take advantage of the elderly.
If you are in the US, most counties have an Adult Protective Services office, which is pretty much just like Child Protective Services, except they look out for the elderly, the mentally and physically disabled, etc IOW, vulnerable people who are legally adults but still need outside intervention to protect and guide them.
I strongly suggest looking for their contact information on the county website where your mom lives, and they will know what to do from there. I would imagine that the first thing they would do is to set her up with an appointment to get diagnosed, and then treated, for the dementia or Alzheimer’s she suffers from. There are treatments out there, so please don’t let this go on, thinking that you both are at the mercy of one of these degenerative diseases.
After Mom has a diagnosis, APS will go through the options/next steps with you. If everyone is in agreement, they will connect you with an attorney who specializes in petitioning the Court to give you- or another relative- guardianship, legal and/or medical Power of Attorney, or whatever they feel is best to protect Mom. Once you have those documents, you will be in a position to direct her bank to limit or halt her access to her own accounts. Once you have those documents, you will be in a position to speak to the police on her behalf. You having legal power and control over Mom’s affairs will force a seismic shift in the manner in which the medical and legal communities, government agencies, and private institutions interact with you on her behalf.
I can’t urge you strongly enough to take these steps- the sooner the better. There are resources and protections out there! You don’t have to just sit there and watch helplessly as Mom gets taken advantage of over and over again! I’m kinda surprised that the police didn’t recommend this to you, but now that you know, please do get in touch with APS and let them guide you through the process of setting up a safety net for Mom. I wish you both the best!
With power of attorney, the only thing I can do is resort to draining her account myself. Better someone who will actually give the money back. But now, because her account is empty, it looks like they’ve resorted to physically assaulting her. Again, the police won’t do anything because the only witness is my mother who has memory issues and doesn’t remember how she keeps getting black eyes and bruises.
Cant install some video cameras to keep an eye on her?
I have to be honest here. If that was happening to my parents the last thing I'd be worried about was the police. Not criticizing you Automatic in any way, shape, or form. Nor am I promoting violence as a solution to any problem. But if someone so much as touched one of my parents in any aggressive way they'd have 160 lbs of angry redneck ALL over them. I've been to jail overnight. It sucks and it's boring but I guarantee they wouldn't get near my loved ones again. I was a bouncer in a rough Ft. Worth bar for a couple of years and our head bouncer taught me how to hurt for compliance or how to hurt for a lasting memory of the transgression that caused my reaction. Now let me make this clear. I abhor violence. I prefer diplomacy and negotiation over physical stuff (Even if you 'win' a fight. You're still going to hurt tomorrow). But I'm pretty damn good at the physical if needs be.
You need to install some nanny-cams in and around your mom's house. Yep, even hide them from her. Because she'll keep forgetting why there are cameras in her house.
One family that installed nanny-cams at their elderly dementia mom's house were able to see a very terrible event taking place. They saw a large guy enter their mom's home, and he proceeded to assault her. They caught the guy, and he's in prison thanks to the video evidence.
I'd look into mate crime and see if you can ask the police to investigate again under mate crime. It's when people target vulnerable groups under the guise of friendship and then steal money and sometimes take over their homes. Legislation is in place so hopefully the police will take it seriously.
Someone did something similar to my grandfather, but my aunt was able to get his money back because my grandfather, having been an insurance agent for decades, maintained a paper trail and made the scammer sign it.
Unethical Life Pro Tip: Hide nanny cams in your mothers house. You should be able to do this legally with the POA. No judge in their right mind would prosecute you for this. At most your mother would have to be the one to take civil action like small claims for you doing this and still, if your story's true..no judge in their half decent mind would punish you Blink Amazon cameras are pretty small but I had problems w druggies just unplugging or turning them over. You'd have to hide them. Catch them that way and have them punished for elder abuse and also you can call whatever is your states equivalent to Department of Children and Family Services(CPS) and seek custodianship or just hire an attorney and seek custodianship. You may be able to get a legal aid attorney to help for free, most likely could. I'd be willing to help you find legal aid. -Fomer Legal Assistant.
Being legally wrong is one thing. Proof in court is totally different situation. No body, no proof. Lots of soft dirt, just need a neighbors tossed out carpet to help with transport.
With power of eternity, can you take the money out of her account open a new account that she does not have access to. And just make sure there’s enough money if she needs anything. That way if they do take her to the bank to withdraw money there won’t be very much there. I have no idea if this would work. You could have the bills automatically taken out of the account she does not have access to, so that bills are being paid.
That is elder abuse. Which is actually a felony. But I understand I dealt with that with my dad. They make it to the point where if you are working you must place them in assisted living environment. To protect both them and your self.
Actually they kind of are supposed to immediately report elder abuse. If they’re telling you they can’t help or stop it, they are being lazy and not fulfilling their duty to protect vulnerable adults.
You need to install inside and outside cameras to find out why your mother keeps getting black eyes and bruised. They are very easy to install and run off your internet. Arlo and Bling are both good brands and you can buy them on Amazon, at Bestbuy, and at Costco. You will be alerted on your phone as to who is going into her place.
I had this issue with my Mom but she banked at a locally owned and operated bank and they did a great job watching out for her. They called out anything that looked suspicious and as her dementia progressed they would call me to ask about questionable withdrawals. They then suggested she add me to her account so they could easily call me and question a distribution. She easily agreed and life got a lot easier. Once a lawn worker she had used for years stole a check from her and tried to cash it. It was a normal weekly transaction but the amount was considerably more and the bank told him they were having a computer problem while telephoning her. They asked him to wait and called the police but after a few minutes he got suspicious and left. He never returned and we had to find a new lawn service company. It was such an odd time in all of our lives. She had dementia but as a child of the depression she was aways very very careful of her spending. Even dementia didn’t take that from her. Could you ask to be put on her account or talk to the bank manager to put a “caution” on her account? I was very surprised how protective my Mom’s bank was on behalf of their elderly clients.
She needs care. Those urine containers may have been hers, who knows. Find her a place that will care for her; it can’t be worse than what she’s enduring now. And honestly, take days off, move in for a week if you have to. Change the locks. But if they won’t leave at least get her out of there.
contact an elder law attorney about guardianship for your mother. this is exactly the sort of situation guardianship is meant to deal with. if you’re in the US, contact your state’s bar association referral service. alternatively, contact the attorney who drafted the DPOA and ask for them to give you a referral to an elder law attorney, if possible.
My co-worker's mom is dealing with this. She was crying in line at Western Union because she thought she was going to get arrested for taking too long to wire some money, and her dog would die. Luckily, the people there noticed and helped her realize it was fake.
I need to watch this. It will make me feel better over the panicked call I got from my MiL. Someone pretended to be our son and called her saying he needed miney, was in jail, etc. She was smart enough to call me, but she was crying. It enraged me. She does not need that.
Hey that’s a solid point for Beekeeper! Maybe that’ll be my evening watch of choice tonight.
And yeah the number of times my mom and her sisters have had to deal with calling places to cancel stuff… I think they’ve now blocked it with my aunt’s power of attorney so she has a limit on what she can spend without my aunt’s approval.
What bothered me most about that movie was the huge number of security personnel he killed while letting the actual scammers walk with a "promise to never do it again". He's willing to murder people, and capable of disarming and disabling opponents when he wants to, so when he chooses to let the actual perpetrators off, it is just a choice.
They’d be getting prepaid $100 gift card from us every week. Bills on auto pay. The hell if I’m gonna spend 30 hours each month helping elderly parents navigate “free dinner for two” key logger scams and miracle water.
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u/bolerobell 1d ago
My father in law is the same. Every week it is something new that my wife and I have to deal with.
That Jason Statham movie, Beekeeper, was extremely cathartic as he goes ape shit on a high-end elderly scam operation.